What is it with women??????

[RobNYC]

If people have criticised you it is wholly based on the content of your post and is a reflection of the kind of things you have revealed about yourself therein and the actual things you have written and the views you have espoused. Take it or leave it. :wink:

I have taken it, and I have gotten some good insights from posts that are thoughtful and well articulated, such as yours. I have no problem with criticism, which is why I posted this in a woman's forum and thanked people for their input. I referred to being amused by name calling and labeling, which brings nothing to the discussion.

My original statement "My experience in this forum is that many members like to name call and label, which I find amusing, if unproductive."

I was not surprised by some of the strong responses, my op was pretty harsh, which was indicative of my state when I wrote it. I had just returned from over 10 days away from home, was excited to see my gf, had exchanged some very hot emails with her, and was looking forward to a nice passionate reunion. What I got was EXTREMELY disappointing, she was more interested in tv & sleeping than interacting with me, and I spent much time trying to discuss this with her. I was left with the feeling that she just wants to be left alone in her secure place, ignore the issue, and give me just enough attention, affection and sex to keep me quiet. When I re-read the messages we exchanged it became obvious that I was hot for her and she was giving me the "oh yeah, me too" obligatory response.

As far as seeing my own flaws, I do, admitted them in an earlier post, and if you read everything I have tried to elicit from my gf what is bugging her. I just think she is bored with me. We have been together for 12 years and the things about me that used to be interesting to her are now an annoyance. I travel without her a lot to participate in activities she has no interest in: Backcountry hiking/camping in Yellowstone, amateur car racing, off-road motorcycling, skiing, fishing. When she met me she thought it was great that I did these things, now she just resents me being away. I ask her to come but as she has learned in the past sitting in the pits at a racetrack is hot/noisy/boring so she doesn't want to come. Instead she gives me a hard time about going. What the fuck? She knew all these things before she got involved with me. I love you, now change. My response to her is that I don't mind if she participates in activities I don't have an interest in and I will not give her a hard time. But she is very old fashioned and believes that if you truly love somebody you participate in everything together and should be willing to forego things if either party objects. I refuse to compromise by giving up my interests and to her that means I am being selfish and not putting her first.

This has been an interesting thread for me, I have found the responses thought provoking and informative, and appreciate people taking their time to respond. I hope to resolve my relationship issues because what we have has been awesome in the past. I will never get married because I believe that people tend to take others for granted after a while, and that most relationships fade into a dull routine. I am trying to prove myself wrong.

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

OK well since this issue seems to be of a general nature relating to relationships between men and women, and the OP's experiences in one, and is not specifically a Women's Issue I'm going to move this to Relationships, Discrimination and Jealousy where it might be able to garner a wider range of opinion.

 

[Belly_Dancer]

We have been together for 12 years and the things about me that used to be interesting to her are now an annoyance. I travel without her a lot to participate in activities she has no interest in: Backcountry hiking/camping in Yellowstone, amateur car racing, off-road motorcycling, skiing, fishing. When she met me she thought it was great that I did these things, now she just resents me being away. I ask her to come but as she has learned in the past sitting in the pits at a racetrack is hot/noisy/boring so she doesn't want to come. Instead she gives me a hard time about going. What the fuck? She knew all these things before she got involved with me. I love you, now change. My response to her is that I don't mind if she participates in activities I don't have an interest in and I will not give her a hard time. But she is very old fashioned and believes that if you truly love somebody you participate in everything together and should be willing to forego things if either party objects. I refuse to compromise by giving up my interests and to her that means I am being selfish and not putting her first.

You said earlier that when you ask her if anything is wrong, she does not answer in the affirmative.

But here, you reveal that she has openly communicated that in her view, some things are very wrong, namely your refusal to give up activities she isn't interested in.

I am not saying she is right about this -- I personally think partners should fully support each other in their interests (not necessarily doing them together, just accepting them), as long as there is still time and energy for each other when all the activities are done.

But she clearly does not believe this, and you clearly do not agree with her.

Stalemate.

This alone could be the issue that is keeping her mad at you and unwilling to have sex.

As to how to resolve it, I have no clue -- but I think trying to convince her to have more sex with you is pointless as long as there is this much dissatisfaction on her part with other aspects of the relationship. The relationship issues must be resolved first, and if you two can't resolve them, then perhaps it is time to move on.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

As far as seeing my own flaws, I do, admitted them in an earlier post, and if you read everything I have tried to elicit from my gf what is bugging her. I just think she is bored with me. We have been together for 12 years and the things about me that used to be interesting to her are now an annoyance. I travel without her a lot to participate in activities she has no interest in: Backcountry hiking/camping in Yellowstone, amateur car racing, off-road motorcycling, skiing, fishing.

OK - a question - you say you have a child but you don't say what age your child is. If your child is below 8 I see severe limitations on your child being present for some of those activities and impossibility of your child being present for others. If your child is 8-12 I see all of those as possible family activities with limitations on some and a very 'dad-centric' approach to the two active racing hobbies. I don't believe it is likely your child is over 12 but when he or she is I sincerely hope you'll be involving him or her in some or all of those activities, assuming you are still doing them.

What am I blathering on about? Well - I'm making a few assumptions. I'm assuming your girlfriend is the primary care giver, I'm assuming your child is too young to take an active interest in many of your hobbies and I'm assuming that your girlfriend doesn't always want to leave the kid at home to do 'dad' hobbies with you alone. I think you could discuss this with her and see if there aren't some more family friendly activities you all can do together.

If she spends a lot of time with your child maybe she thinks in your spare time you should spend more time with him / her than you do. Those hobbies sound time consuming - they're not the the kind of thing that only takes an afternoon or morning - they're all day / all weekend activities.

You say she travels with her job, so perhaps she isn't the primary care giver and you have a grandma/pa, aunt/uncle or child minder who spends a lot of time with you child. Well - that doesn't really change much. She may want the 3 of you to do more stuff together.

I may be barking up the wrong tree - maybe you do loads of stuff with your child and as a family. But if you don't I think it would be well worth talking to her about that.

When she met me she thought it was great that I did these things, now she just resents me being away. I ask her to come but as she has learned in the past sitting in the pits at a racetrack is hot/noisy/boring so she doesn't want to come. Instead she gives me a hard time about going. What the fuck? She knew all these things before she got involved with me. I love you, now change. My response to her is that I don't mind if she participates in activities I don't have an interest in and I will not give her a hard time. But she is very old fashioned and believes that if you truly love somebody you participate in everything together and should be willing to forego things if either party objects. I refuse to compromise by giving up my interests and to her that means I am being selfish and not putting her first.

Her priorities have changed. People do not stay the same. You don't want to change to suit her - but it is more than that, you don't seem to want her to change if it doesn't suit you. I'm 36. I am not the same person as I was when I was 24, I don't have the same hobbies, I have only a few of the same interests. I haven't changed myself on purpose, I liked myself and my life at 24 and I like myself and my life now. Age, life and responsibilities have changed me - they will continue to do so. They will change my partner too. We will adapt to each other and find common ground as we both change.

You don't have to resolve this by doing everything 'her way' and giving up all your hobbies. But you could try compromising and doing less of your hobbies and more of something else. There are 4 weekends in a month, 5 in some.

 

[D_y6gouyg]

Two possibilities I thought of (obviously not the only possibilities):

1. She's cheating on you. She travels a lot for work and she lives in a different house? Ok...

2. She's staying with you not for the money but for the well-being of the child. Happens quite a bit.

 

[RobNYC]

I spend tons of time with my son. I am the class parent at his school, I chaperone every class trip, and I'm on the executive board of the PTA. I drive him to school every morning and he sleeps in my house, along with mom, probably 25 days each month. We split the caregiver responsibilities about evenly. I take one day each week in the summer and spend it with my son. My hobbies are the kind that take up maybe 4 or 5 days each month. We keep her house so her mom and assorted other relatives can stay there, they have a large family, and I won't tolerate all the traffic in my own home. Also I don't get along with her mom, who doesn't speak english, accordingly I have never had a conversation with her. She meddles in my relationship too much. Her mother is alone and broke, lives in my GFs house, relying on the generosity of her children and the government (and me). A troublemaker!

We spend almost every weekend together as a family. I participate in many of my hobbies during the week, so she picks up the child care slack at those times. It ends up about even when you weigh her business travel against my time away.

I would not be surprised if she is cheating on me. She recently found a new job by following her former boss to a new company in the same field. She travels with him frequently. He was at her house yesterday, they had lunch together. She is traveling again overnight tonight, and I think he will be there. I read some questionable text messages from her to him years ago. He was letting her use his frequent flier miles to upgrade a plane ticket and she texted him "Love you, thanks." I do not make inquiries about this because I am ambivalent about cheating. I believe I will learn the truth eventually, and detective work only leads to erroneous conclusions and needless drama.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

OK - I see.

We're back you are perfect, she sucks. Her mother sucks. Her boss sucks and she probably sucks him.

May I ask why you haven't dumped this cunt yet?

 

[D_y6gouyg]

I would not be surprised if she is cheating on me. She recently found a new job by following her former boss to a new company in the same field. She travels with him frequently. He was at her house yesterday, they had lunch together. She is traveling again overnight tonight, and I think he will be there. I read some questionable text messages from her to him years ago. He was letting her use his frequent flier miles to upgrade a plane ticket and she texted him "Love you, thanks." I do not make inquiries about this because I am ambivalent about cheating. I believe I will learn the truth eventually, and detective work only leads to erroneous conclusions and needless drama.

Wow...I don't know what to say. The fact that you don't care if she's fucking someone else on the side probably explains why she isn't fucking you.

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

I spend tons of time with my son. I am the class parent at his school, I chaperone every class trip, and I'm on the executive board of the PTA. I drive him to school every morning and he sleeps in my house, along with mom, probably 25 days each month. We split the caregiver responsibilities about evenly. I take one day each week in the summer and spend it with my son. My hobbies are the kind that take up maybe 4 or 5 days each month. We keep her house so her mom and assorted other relatives can stay there, they have a large family, and I won't tolerate all the traffic in my own home. Also I don't get along with her mom, who doesn't speak english, accordingly I have never had a conversation with her. She meddles in my relationship too much. Her mother is alone and broke, lives in my GFs house, relying on the generosity of her children and the government (and me). A troublemaker!

We spend almost every weekend together as a family. I participate in many of my hobbies during the week, so she picks up the child care slack at those times. It ends up about even when you weigh her business travel against my time away.

I would not be surprised if she is cheating on me. She recently found a new job by following her former boss to a new company in the same field. She travels with him frequently. He was at her house yesterday, they had lunch together. She is traveling again overnight tonight, and I think he will be there. I read some questionable text messages from her to him years ago. He was letting her use his frequent flier miles to upgrade a plane ticket and she texted him "Love you, thanks." I do not make inquiries about this because I am ambivalent about cheating. I believe I will learn the truth eventually, and detective work only leads to erroneous conclusions and needless drama.

You could be perfectly correct in your description of those around you and the life you lead. You could be right about your GF's mother, and your GF's putative infidelity. Mind you it would beg the question; why have you allowed yourself to become so enmired in such a situation? I mean you seem decisive and extremely self possessed, not a man to be tricked and manipulated, or are you trying to admit that in fact you may have made some mistakes and are feeling trapped and want an excuse and an impetus to radically change your life? Are you concerned about your GF's sexual attraction to you or are you focusing on that instead of admitting that you are deeply dissatisfied with the life you currently lead and would like to live your life differently, perhaps no longer being in a relationship with your GF?

Or these could be exactly the kinds of things a man who was controlling, domineering, narcissistic, jealous and selfish would say about his life and those in it.

It's hard to be sure. :wink::biggrin1:

 

[ManlyBanisters]

Or these could be exactly the kinds of things a man who was controlling, domineering, narcissistic, jealous and selfish would say about his life and those in it.

Oh - the name calling!! Help, help - someone is has postulated what might be construed as a character slur!! Oh, the injustice!

Mods, mods!! Why is there never a mo ...oh! Um...

:biggrin1:

 

[RobNYC]

OK - We're back you are perfect, she sucks. Her mother sucks. Her boss sucks and she probably sucks him.

May I ask why you haven't dumped this cunt yet?

Her mother does suck, I didn't say my GF sucks, don't really know her boss so can't say.

Didn't say I was perfect, only described child rearing responsibilities as people had asked. I grew up with a great dad who was also a workaholic so I spent little time with him. Vowed I would make time for my son, he'll soon be at the age where he doesn't want to spend his time with Dad, figured I should give him my time now while I can do it and while he wants it. My son is 7, I figure in another 7 years or so hanging out with Dad will no longer be fun. Time has flown.

My GF is not a cunt. Spoiled brat - yes. Materialistic - yes. This situation has deteriorated over the past few years. I believe it is fixable. When I have discussed breaking up with her she talks about moving away and taking my son. Her brother just took his kids to South America and left their mom in USA. Yuck. I don't think she would do that. But I have mentioned that we make a great team, do a lot of things together and enjoy ourselves. It's just that there is no passion left. Kind of like hanging out with a friend, you have fun with them, but don't have sex with them.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

Oh, fuck off.

 

[RobNYC]

"why have you allowed yourself to become so enmired in such a situation?"

My situation is pretty good other than the lack of passion. My relationship is similar to most of the couples I know that have been together for more than 10 years. I believe many people in my situation would not complain, but I want the spark back, and everything that goes with it.

"Or these could be exactly the kinds of things a man who was controlling, domineering, narcissistic, jealous and selfish would say about his life and those in it."

I don't think I have said anything terrible about the people I have mentioned, other than her mom. My entire theme has been getting back the passion, and wondering why she seems so willing to live without it and not address it.
I encourage my GF in her career and social life, and don't try to place any limits on those around me. If I were those things you mentioned I would tell my GF to quit work, stay home, and be under my dominion and control. She would love this as she frequently expresses how "lucky" women that don't work are. If you read my previous post I encourage her to have an independent life so much that she interprets it as my not caring. As she has told me, in her culture when a man loves a woman he doesn't let her out of his sight, because to do so indicates that you do not care if other men pay attention to her. I find this notion ridiculous. She was raised in South America in a very traditional way.

"you are deeply dissatisfied with the life you currently lead"
Dude, my life is awesome. I have a relationship problem. If I get to the point where I believe I am better off ending it (relationship not my life) I will, quickly and without fuss. I care about this woman and want my relationship to be great, not ok.

"The fact that you don't care if she's fucking someone else on the side probably explains why she isn't fucking you." - She does fuck me, just not with the passion and frequency I desire. Let me clarify my statement about being ambivalent. I think cheating is a symptom of a problem, if the relationship was ok then there would be no cheating. If my focus becomes trying to determine if she is fucking someone else I will lose sight of what is important. If I discover she is cheating, which I think I would if she was, I would immediately end the relationship. I just don't think turning into the infidelity investigator is helpful. I have seen people drive themselves crazy by doing that only to find out nothing was going on, and they ultimately only added to the relationship's problems.

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

Oh - the name calling!! Help, help - someone is has postulated what might be construed as a character slur!! Oh, the injustice!

Mods, mods!! Why is there never a mo ...oh! Um...

:biggrin1:

What is this? The Cultural Revolution or something? I find myself denounced!

 

[RobNYC]

Oh, fuck off.

I think I love you.

 

[iluvbigheads]

...and obviously she knows nothing about your profile and the terrible things you write on here about her. I'm sure you got a long list of bad things about you she could list off, starting with a very inflated sense of entitlement...but based on what I read, this does not surprise me. Guys like you think you deserve it all, yet you seldom take an inventory of what you got going on that's wrong or what problems you have that are impacting your relationship. I mean, once children enter the picture, it's time to get over yourself and this need for sex and be a good dad. It's not all about you. In fact, I would suggest you go show your profile on here and see what happens!

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

Dude, my life is awesome. I have a relationship problem. If I get to the point where I believe I am better off ending it (relationship not my life) I will, quickly and without fuss. I care about this woman and want my relationship to be great, not ok.

I was with you until I read this. It's not even your fault really but my hackles are raised at the mere use of that word. Call me neurotic if you must. I leave you and MB to your nascent romance from now on. :wink::biggrin1:

 

[RobNYC]

...and obviously she knows nothing about your profile and the terrible things you write on here about her.

I mean, once children enter the picture, it's time to get over yourself and this need for sex and be a good dad. It's not all about you.

Everything I have said here I have said to her. I post here looking for objective responses and have received some. I am very blunt and dicussed this with her first. Her complete lack of a response is what brought me here.

So when you have children you should ignore your need for sex? I'm pretty sure that is impossible. It is also entirely possible to be a great parent and still be very sexually active, the two are not mutually exclusive.

 

[RobNYC]

I was with you until I read this. It's not even your fault really but my hackles are raised at the mere use of that word. Call me neurotic if you must. I leave you and MB to your nascent romance from now on. :wink::biggrin1:

"DUDE"

One of my son's favorite words....

Didn't you ever see The Big Lebowski?

 

[helgaleena]

I am glad you are being a good parent to your son. She has a job outside the home(s) and so do you. You are NOT married. You are not expected to do all these things for anyone in her extended family, only your own son.

If it were not for the lack of a legal contact between you and this woman it sounds like you are as good as married, but since you are not, both you and she can do whatever you like. If she no longer pleases you, cut her out of your life and only do what you think is needed for your son. And if she doesn't have the passion for you anymore, you are free to do what you need to get your passion satisfied in some other way.

I am having trouble seeing why you ranted. But I guess now it is out of your system and you are ready for the next chapter. Best of luck.