What is it with women??????

[jockmaestro]

My ex-husband and I were married for fourteen years and together for seventeen. Our sexual relationship got off to a very strong start, but we did go through a number of "dry spells" over the years. We also had a number of times when the dry spell would end and we would start having sex again.

The number one reason I didn't want to have sex with my ex (during the dry spells) was that I was either flaming pissed off at him or slowly sizzling with resentment against him for something. It had nothing to do with my sexuality or level of sex drive. It had everything to do with our outside-the-bedroom relationship and how we were getting along.

I don't think it's all that illogical that if a woman is displeased by a man, even on a very subtle level, let alone a more conscious level, she won't be raging with lust for him.

When my ex would complain that he wasn't getting any, I would secretly think to myself, "It's not that I don't want to have sex -- it's that I don't want to have sex with you." I didn't say this out loud, though, because it sounds so offensive.

Issues in relationships can be very complicated and are usually not as simple as one partner saying "I'm doing x, y, and z to try to keep the spark alive."

That may be true, but there may be other things you are doing (or not doing) that (justly or unjustly) your GF is disappointed with. Depending on her communication style, she might have told you straight out or she might have tried to tell you in more subtle ways. But it's quite possible that she may have only told you once or a few times, and when she didn't feel you listened, she stopped asking and just stayed dissatisfied with the situation, thinking any further discussion was pointless.

It was this kind of hopeless, frustrated, "the problems are too complicated to be worked out and he'll never understand me but I'm too attached to him to leave" feeling that usually caused me to stop wanting to be intimate with my ex.

I'm not saying this is the issue in every marriage where the woman stops wanting to have sex. But I'll bet in the majority it is exactly the issue. She is disappointed in you ergo she doesn't feel close to you or doesn't feel her feelings are safe with you ergo she doesn't want to do anything as intimate as have sex.

Fortunately, my ex and I would come to places where we would grow as individuals, have breakthroughs in our relationship, become more understanding of each other, etc. and then our sex life would pick up again.

But I want to stress that in the very early days of our relationship when I had constant crazy sex with him, it was not fake and I was not just doing it to ensnare him or to get money (he didn't have any anyway). I was doing it because I wanted to and because it was extremely fun.

I really resent the implication that women only have sex early on to try to tie the man down or get something from him. And I really believe that in the majority of relationships where a previously very sexual woman has seemingly lost interest in sex, it is a relationship issue, and not a sexual issue per se. And, if the relationship issues are resolved, the sexual issues will most likely resolve automatically.

One friend of mine really did think she had completely lost her sex drive. She also happened to be extremely frustrated with her husband who did not work but also would not take care of the kids and house.

Then, she ran into an old flame, and was shocked to discover that her massive libido was still there; it had just gone dormant because of her disappointment in her husband.

I am not saying it is always all the man's fault that the woman is disappointed. Sometimes she may have unreasonable expectations or a skewed perception of what is going on. In these cases, the only solution really is to bring back open communication (if it was ever there) to the relationship and/or get counseling to try to fix the relationship problems.

This is impressively explained and right on the mark. Well done.
That said, I've seen it a million times: the guy wants to keep having sex, and the woman just isnt' interested. It's certainly complicated, and undoubtedly, men's drive is different ( stronger) than women's on average. It just pisses me off when women lose it. That's what makes me want to have sex with guys because they almost ALWAYS want it, and it's the lust/desire that makes it really hot.

 

[D_Kitten_Kaboodle]

Rob, there are girls out there that put sex at the top of their list always. Few I'm sure, but they are out there. My hubby and I have been married for over 20 years, and of course there are things in life that must get done (yardwork, chores, etc)...That is called LIFE. But we have never taken the FUN out of LIFE. We are both extremely sexually active. Part of that is b/c we continute to tell each other how hot and sexy we are. What are YOU doing to keep the sex alive in your life? Just EXPECTING sex to stay the same without working on it is a falicy. Like everything else in life...you gotta work on it. And talk about it...and even if she gains 100 pounds, you gotta tell her she's the hottest ticket on the planet. Just sayin.....maybe it's not ALWAYS the woman.

Experimenting with sex should be a lifelong process. Not one that happens prior to commitment.

RANT FINISHED
Fancy

 

[D_Kitten_Kaboodle]

I just took the time to read Belly Dancer's post. She's on the money. Not a day goes by that I don't look at my husband/lover and think "God, I'm so lucky!" All he ever wants is to please me...and in turn...that's all I ever wanna do for him. And when I get pissed at him... I tell him. Communication between married people is often the first thing to go, which crumbles the rest of the relationship quickly. IMHO.

Fancy

 

[helgaleena]

I hope RobNYC comes back to read his thread.

Rob, you can't force the mother of your child to be other than she is. I am glad you have a good friendship and partnership with her. But there must be a good reason why you two have not married after all this time, and I think you need to respect that reason. Sex can happen in all kinds of arrangements besides with your 'one-and-only', as you have already pushed the envelope of conventionality by not marrying your child's mother.

 

[Argonaut 1975]

Rob, there are girls out there that put sex at the top of their list always. Few I'm sure, but they are out there. My hubby and I have been married for over 20 years, and of course there are things in life that must get done (yardwork, chores, etc)...That is called LIFE. But we have never taken the FUN out of LIFE. We are both extremely sexually active. Part of that is b/c we continute to tell each other how hot and sexy we are. What are YOU doing to keep the sex alive in your life? Just EXPECTING sex to stay the same without working on it is a falicy. Like everything else in life...you gotta work on it. And talk about it...and even if she gains 100 pounds, you gotta tell her she's the hottest ticket on the planet. Just sayin.....maybe it's not ALWAYS the woman.

Experimenting with sex should be a lifelong process. Not one that happens prior to commitment.

RANT FINISHED
Fancy

I just took the time to read Belly Dancer's post. She's on the money. Not a day goes by that I don't look at my husband/lover and think "God, I'm so lucky!" All he ever wants is to please me...and in turn...that's all I ever wanna do for him. And when I get pissed at him... I tell him. Communication between married people is often the first thing to go, which crumbles the rest of the relationship quickly. IMHO.

Fancy

I was about to say, there's no point in asking women what's wrong with women, and then this gem appears in the list.

Truly you are a pearl among women Fancy.

I'm learning to tell my fiancée what's wrong rather than bottle it in, which has been my habit for so many years. The good book says, "don't let the sun go down on your wrath" which translates quite nicely to "don't go to bed angry" and that seems like very good advice.

 

[Fardunda]

I just took the time to read Belly Dancer's post. She's on the money. Not a day goes by that I don't look at my husband/lover and think "God, I'm so lucky!" All he ever wants is to please me...and in turn...that's all I ever wanna do for him. And when I get pissed at him... I tell him. Communication between married people is often the first thing to go, which crumbles the rest of the relationship quickly. IMHO.

Fancy

I feel kinda weird pitching in my 2 cents worth to someone I don't know from a bar of soap but felt compelled to do so.

I have to completely agree with the post above. You go on about what you provide to your partner which is great but all that really comes through to me is a sense of entitlement and selfishness.

I am by no means a prude but every time I read phrases like "I want her to fuck me more" it sends a stabbing sensation to my gut. If this it is how it is put to your girlfriend then I am not surprised she is not into it.

I have always gained the most pleasure, satisfaction and ultimately reward from wanting to and doing things for my partner. And I don't mean giving her money to buy that new dress. But little things like making her breakfast before she wakes up, rubbing her shoulders as she watches tv, or arranging a picnic lunch at the beach.

Not by having discussions about and writing letters asking why she doesn't want to "fuck me" anymore.

Does that make sense?

 

[averagepeck]

I could be completely off, but perhaps the girlfriend feels a loss of her individuality and independence, if so much of her life is because of the OP.

Rob, you sound like a guy on the surface who has your shit together, self-employed, financially independent, adventurous, fit, yadda yadda. I also get the impression you're somewhat of a control freak, and things must be your way. If your girlfriend feels the same, then she may be withdrawing from you, with some resentment. While I think a man can 'get it up' and fuck under just about any circumstance, females are more emotionally complex, if there's something going on internally that she's not bringing to the surface( resentment by the sounds of it) sexually she's going to withdraw or just go through the motions every so often for the sake of it.

Again, could be completely off, but that's just my gut feeling. We only have your side of the story to go off.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Clearly the OP and his girlfriend do not experience love the same way. (Is he even reading this anymore? It's from the summer.) He feels that since he gives her things, she should remain constant. Perhaps she'd be more responsive to other forms of romantic expression. I'm very responsive to touching and being touched. I crave affection, and withdraw emotionally from a man who doesn't. I like doing things for the one I love, such as getting up early to pack his lunch for work and cook him a hot, fresh breakfast, washing his clothes, unlocking the door for him, and helping him get all his work gear into the house when he comes home. If he didn't like doing nice things for me, such as bringing me that last glass of water before bed, matching up my socks, coloring my hair for me, shining my shoes, then I would feel unloved. I certainly wouldn't want to fuck him. These sort of things are an unspoken form of communication between us. Each embrace, every kiss says to me, "AlteredEgo, I love you very much!" Each time he brings my water to bed without me asking for the favor, it says to me, "AlteredEgo, I'm happy you're here! I love you, and I want you to be comfortable and happy." What RobNYC has to do is figure out what actions will show his girlfriend how he feels about her. We don't all perceive love the same way. My husband could (and used to) give me gifts all day every day, and not only would it (and did it) make me uncomfortable, but it would not communicate love to me. Same goes for too much time together. I was an only child. There is no one that I want to spend all of any day with. Too much time together makes me feel smothered, but too little time makes my husband feel unloved. My husband feels smothered from too much affection, but feels loved if I do nice things for him without being asked, and if I spend my time with him, doing things he enjoys, such as drawing, or playing video games. Figure out what makes a person feel loved, provide them with those things, and there will be a good foundation for intimacy and sex. It won't guarantee that your sex life will automatically turn around, RobNYC, but it's a good start.

My libido also suffers if my hormones are out of whack, if I don't get enough exercise, or when I first notice weight gain. When I feel fat, I don't feel like having sex. Losing even a tiny percentage of the gained weight brings back my libido, however. I have a condition that sometimes makes my hair fall out. When my hair is falling out, or thinning, I don't feel like having sex. When my skin doesn't look good, when I just don't feel pretty, I am not in the mood. When I'm worried about money, I'm not in the mood. When his dog pees where she's not supposed to and I have to clean it up (or worse- he's cleaned it, but I have to clean it behind him because he's half-assed it) I'm not in the mood. When he's had to much to drink, I'm not in the mood. There are lots of little things that can conspire against a happy sexual connection. Most of them are internal, and have nothing to do with my husband.

I recently am experiencing some sexual dysfunction with my husband. After much thought I realized I am not feeling like I am heard during sex, but rather like I'm being experimented on. Could something similar be happening with you, RobNYC?

 

[DavidXL]

Wow - what Belly Dancer said was really on the money and it really struck me. I missed this thread the first time around. I'm going to go back and re-read her post a few times.

My wife and I go through periods where we're each tired of the daily grind and we each feel the other is not appreciative of everything the other is doing in terms of family responsibilities. Nothing like simmering mutual resentment to kill your desire to want to have sex. But, like DeepDish said, nothing like sex to bring you back and reconnect and feel close to that person. Until the next time . . . .

 

[curiousimagining]

The number one reason I didn't want to have sex with my ex (during the dry spells) was that I was either flaming pissed off at him or slowly sizzling with resentment against him for something. It had nothing to do with my sexuality or level of sex drive. It had everything to do with our outside-the-bedroom relationship and how we were getting along.

I don't think it's all that illogical that if a woman is displeased by a man, even on a very subtle level, let alone a more conscious level, she won't be raging with lust for him.

When my ex would complain that he wasn't getting any, I would secretly think to myself, "It's not that I don't want to have sex -- it's that I don't want to have sex with you." I didn't say this out loud, though, because it sounds so offensive.

I had to quote this. I know from my own experience so I can say Ditto.
If a man is trying and still talking and showing affection it is probably something else. But for a lot of women the man stops being like he was in the beginning too. Like not wanting to talk as much and that kind of thing. Some people can hook up and don't have to have their emotions involved but for a lot of women if you aren't friends outside the bedroom you're not getting a hot mama in the bedroom!

 

[B_New End]

OP

your tone smacks of entitlement.
Chicks don't dig that shit.






I've never had this problem.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

It is not really germane to suggest the OP is misogynistic simply because his post reflects the biological and economic reality of relationships...

Men want women and have to bring to the table something the woman wants in order to get the thing they want.
Maybe they bring the smokin hot bod and the bad boy behavior that turns some women on... or maybe they bring the trappings of success and promise of security that turn other women on...

But it is naive to not realize that BOTH genders are trading on what they have to offer, for what they want in another.

The Op seems to have made clear to his SO what he is offering and what his expectations are in return and feels the bargain they originally struck is being reneged on.



However... I would point out that, from her perspective, she may feel he has reneged on his offer as well...

The OP claims he is committed, yet she has her own place, her own job, her own child and, in most respects, seems to live entirely a separate life, regardless of who is paying.

maybe the OP imagines that the way to keep the Girlfriend Fire going os to keep the girlfriend situation going....

But I have to say, Sorry.... but what you call committed I have to call Holding back.

Why haven't you, years ago, stepped up and offered marriage? Why haven't you merged your lifestyles, your households, and your finances?


The answer is plain in your OP... you are looking at this relationship as a business venture and keeping yourself sheltered as if in an LLC.


Here is the God's honest truth about relationship woes...

Girls- If your man is unhappy, its ALWAYS an issue revolving around desire.
Guys, If your woman is unhappy it is ALWAYS an issue revolving around security.

And OP, The real bitch is that security is a far more nuanced and nebulous parameter to satisfy, than is desire.

A woman can feel insecure financially... she can feel insecure physically, and she can feel insecure emotionally. OR she can feel some admixture of two or all three... giving you a pretty wide and hard to pin down target at which to take aim.


Oh, and women, generally, have a much keener sense of TIME than men. Women want to see a relationship PROGRESS... they want to see it evolve and grow and mature.

And what you want is to keep it the same as it was in the first year... right down to not being married... not living together...



And another thing... she is not 'punishing' you... she may very well understand that the status quo was the bargain she struck... and may not feel she has a right to complain BECAUSE you kept to your end of the bargain, as you claim.

She may have entered into that bargain feeling that she could be happy with zero progress in a life 'sort of" with you.... and not even be fully aware that the lack of progress is filling her with resentment, and killing any passion she once felt for you...

And as you say... you want her passion to be genuine, not faked, nor forced... and if she ain't giving it to you, its because she ain't feeling it for you.

You have created a situation where she feels dependant Upon you... but not one in which she feels she can depend on you. She may genuinely enjoy doing things with you... yet feel detached from you because you never really attached to her.

You said it yourself... you are the last one....

You are successful, fit, fun loving... surely it is a better "deal" for you to RENT the attention of shallow women, and get used to moving from one to another...

Because a real relationship that stands the test of years together requires an investment wherein you place something you value at risk...

The worst part of this analysis is as follows...
it is probably too late to save this relationship. Her resentment may not be reversible, because even if you asked her to wed you now... it might seem too little, too late.

She wants to feel she inspires passion, and romantic risk... all you have given her is money, time, and your dick.


You want passion? Heat? Desire? She wants something from you, and it transcends your money, your time and your dick...

She wants to feel treasured, safe, and cared for.
She wants to feel that the two of you are One thing... indivisible and lasting.

Stop bitching about not getting what you want and start considering what she might not be getting that she wants.

Dive in...

Every good woman is an absolute sucker for genuine devotion.

 

[helgaleena]

Phil, you make some good points. The OP would rather have two houses because his lady has an obnoxious mother she is keeping in the house. She made the choice to do that and he made the choice not to marry that. Since they can afford the present situation, it exists, and unless Grandma dies suddenly, they will either keep drifting further apart or maintain what they have for the child's sake.

I wish them all luck.

 

[DasLeezard]

If a man bought me a car, I'd fuck him every day. 3 times.

 

[D_Kitten_Kaboodle]

If a man bought me a car, I'd fuck him every day. 3 times.

LMAO... and how long would that last?? (If the fuck is simply based on the fact that he bought you something.)

You can't purchase love....uh, well... you CAN purchase sex, tho... hahhaahaaa :18:

I'm just wondering now... what is it OP is looking for again?? LOVE or SEX?? Damn, this thread is getting complicated. Just like a real relationship! :biggrin1:

 

[Phil Ayesho]

If a man bought me a car, I'd fuck him every day. 3 times.

For how many years?

 

[petite]

If a man bought me a car, I'd fuck him every day. 3 times.

Not me. Men have "proposed" to me in ways that sounded more like business proposals than anything that could be called romantic, ie, here are my assets, this is what I will provide for you, this is the amount of comfort you will have, these are the plans I've made for your future, etc. I knew better than to take an offer like that. I'd be miserable.

 

[Pitbull]

If a man bought me a car, I'd fuck him every day. 3 times.

DEAL! :biggrin1:

Convertible
and
Hot Pink!

http://kimandjason.com/blog/wp-content/images/barbie car.jpg

 

[dazzla]

Hello,

Speaking from personal experience, and from countless friend's complaints, I make the following observation.

When you first meet a women, and she is trying to become your one and only, she kisses you all the time, holds your hand, infrequently criticizes you, the sex is frequent, adventurous and crazy. It stays this way while the relationship progresses from casual dating towards what most women want, a committed, monogamous life together. This is when things typically get all screwed up...
Next thing you know going out to dinner, vacations, parties, socializing, shopping, the house, the yard and all of life's small trivialities become more and more time consuming and important. The man finds himself being critiqued and ignored. And then, before you realize it, that adventurous, experimental, continually horny girl you fell for ceases to exist.

This has happened with EVERY one of my buddies. When first dating they would be getting laid in the car, at the gym, blowjobs everywhere, anal sex, bondage, etc, etc, etc. 8 years later the woman, in most cases, "isn't into that anymore"

I am going through this myself, being the last of my friends to settle down (I'm not married). Most of my friends have accepted this but I will not. I just had a conversation with my girlfriend because for the past six months she thinks I will happily exist with sex twice a month and the occasional blowjob. I continually try, with voice messages, emails, dinners, etc to keep the spark alive. She is trying to convince me that nothing has changed. But, luckily, I have videos of what we USED to do. I watch them and wanted to show her but she refuses to watch. I just told her this morning, after coming home from a trip without her to another dissappointing, lackluster welcome home, that I will no longer make the effort to keep the spark alive. I told her that after months of working at trying to motivate her I feel lousy because she is always tired, has a headache or a stomach ache. I feel rejected and humiliated, and it is only natural that when another woman shows me that she finds me desirable, I will respond. Just as a note: I have not gained any weight, I work out and stay fit, I don't lay around the house watching tv, I keep life fun and active. I am a successful professional and we spend our time together doing a variety of interesting activities.

I think the problem is that some women use sex to get what they want out of a man financially. I have a child with my girlfriend, I bought her a house and a car, and pay for everything. Her lifestyle is completely reliant upon my finances. Now, she has become accustomed to the life that years ago was only a dream for her (vacation home, boat, cars, country clubs) I only want what we had in the bedroom, I have always been kinky, she used to love it. I refuse to change and told her if she thinks that now I will accept this boring routine sex life she is sadly mistaken. Even though she tells me I'm wrong, I can tell that she is no longer into having sex with me, but if she admits this, and thereby ends the relationship, she will no longer reap the financial rewards of being with me.

This dynamic is why most of the married men I know that were very sexually active before they were married now have a girl on the side, the wife is the domestic partner and "mommy", the fwb provides the erotic component of life. The wives in these married couples try to keep the man faithful through detective work, and let themselves fall apart physically while they spend their days shopping and lunching. The men know they can, with a little discretion, get away with it because wifey is more concerned with maintaining her lifestyle and doesn't mind if hubby doesn't have sex with her. Hell, I know a few married couples in their forties that sleep in separate beds, mom sleeps with the kids, dad in the spare room. No plans to divorce, no sex either, Pathetic!

RANT FINISHED!
(PS I know that sometimes (infrequently) the roles are reversed)

i thought i was going through this, but then i realised that most of the time it was my fault. if you don't give anything back and just sit back and get all this attention the fun will soon stop trust me. think about how you can improve, stay as you were when you first met and keep her on her toes, women love surprises that involve them being treated like a princess, 30 mins planning, do what you have planned. hey presto. do this every now and again, so will she and there you have your magic back

 

[helgaleena]

i thought i was going through this, but then i realised that most of the time it was my fault. if you don't give anything back and just sit back and get all this attention the fun will soon stop trust me. think about how you can improve, stay as you were when you first met and keep her on her toes, women love surprises that involve them being treated like a princess, 30 mins planning, do what you have planned. hey presto. do this every now and again, so will she and there you have your magic back

Dazzla, I am pleased to hear your magic is back! :tongue2: