On bad sex:
In my younger years, I asked a woman once, "Are you satisfaction guaranteed ?" before nailing her.
She replied: "I've never had any complaints !"
I responded, "Well just in case, Could you direct me to where you keep the forms ?, you know, just in case. "
She said, "I don't think you'll be needing any complaint forms tonight."
Afterwards, I asked her:
"Now, where did you say you kept those forms ?
She replied: "I don't have any ! Why are you being such a dickhead ?"
I told her:
Figures, you've either lied to me about the complaints or everyone else has filled out a form and you've run out of them. That, and you haven't gone through them to identify the complaints. And I'm not being a dickhead, I just want you to know that was the worst sex I've ever had and it's always been pleasurable up until a few minutes ago."
She said, "well it must not have been too bad, you were able to come at least."
I replied, "That was 99% me, 1% inspiration and the inspiration wasn't you, I was thinking about someone else."
After that I was told that I had better leave and not come back.
"Get out of here you f*cking @55h*le !" As I recall, were the exact words.
And I responded, after what I just endured, you didn't seriously think I was going to stick around or be back tomorrow for more of this ?
On my way out, I said, "BTW, I think I oughta get a door prize for this, do you have any food ? Maybe a sandwich or something ? Nevermind, if you cook like you f*ck, I'm better off eating @ Denny's. They at least have complaint forms there."