What is this girl trying to do?

[tross87]

Caution: Long read.

So I've started talking to an ex of mine recently. She asked for my number on facebook and said she wanted to talk and we texted a bit throughout 3 days and on the 3rd she also called and we chatted for about 30 minutes before she had to go. After that she texted me the next morning asking if I was free to call in a few and I told her I was, but she never called or texted me and I haven't heard from her since. That was about a week ago. I find it incredibly rude.

She's done this in the past too, go a few weeks/months without talking then randomly get a hold of me through facebook. She's also said brb or call you back in facebook chat/phone calls before and end up never doing either. I can't tell if she's trying to 'test' me too see if I try to chase after her, trying to mess with me somehow, or if she just doesn't really know what she's doing. I know she has a bf of like 2 years atm, not sure if that has any significance. I'm not even interested in her romantically, it's just so damn confusing! I always respond to her messages because we have a lot of history together, and ideally I would like if we could just be friends. We lived on the same street for a few years as tweens before I had to move and were good friends before we started dating in high school, so I don't want to be a rude to her and ignore her. In the past, a couple of months after we broke up she expressed that she felt she couldn't be friends with me and that she had a hard time thinking/talking to me because it upset her but I'm not sure if she still feels that way.

The last time we talked on the phone she called me, "babe" after we sorta clicked and were laughing about something, it sounded like it just slipped out and she didn't notice. I was like, "babe?" to which she replied with a series of awkward mumbles and then it was awkward silence for a few seconds until I changed the topic. That along with the fact that she said this to me about 7 months ago, "I'm still in love with you and always will be, I wish we could get back together" makes me think she's interested in me as a boyfriend, but why would she not call back if that was the case? I'm pretty sure she's cheated on me while we dated too, she's never admitted it, although I've only asked about it once and didn't give the full details it was just a, "so... you've never cheated on me right?" type of thing, but I don't like to believe things about someone unless they tell me directly. I read something that was pretty incriminating though. We went to a school that really liked to gossip and I can't even start to count the number of times people told me or her that the other cheated followed by a crazy story so it's a little hard to filter fact from fiction too. Anyway, the point of that was assuming she did cheat it makes me question if she's interested in me, so cross that out.

I'm considering just telling her that I don't want to talk to her at all anymore and deleting her from my facebook, but that seems like such a dick move since she hasn't really done anything wrong outside of erratic behavior, it's just really getting annoying and I don't think we could be friends or anything else because of it. The behavior is very uncharacteristic from when I actually knew her also, she was a very punctual orderly person. It's very hard to just remove someone from your life like that when you've known them for so long too. I typed all this out and considered deleting it all because it's so personal but fuck it, I want to see what other people make of this.

TLDR: girl being weird, guy confused as fuck.

 

[B_625girth]

maybe she doesn't like your 50/50 status???? I'm only guessing.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

Actually I'm in the same situation as well, and would like to hear a woman's view on this matter.

 

[D_Harry_Ballz]

So I've started talking to an ex of mine recently..

STOP RIGHT THERE

Don't ever re-visit the ex girlfriend graveyard. Problem solved. Next?

 

[dolfette]

she's drawn to you.
but she knows,
your ex is an ex for a reason.
on the brink of a huge mistake,
she gets cold feet.

yoyo exes.

next time she contacts you,
just ignore!

 

[D_Harry_Ballz]

As a side note, this is another reason to not have facebook to avoid getting haunted by the ghost of girlfriend's past.

 

[dolfette]

As a side note, this is another reason to not have facebook to avoid getting haunted by the ghost of girlfriend's past.

fb can be a nightmare with exes!

 

[tross87]

Actually I'm in the same situation as well, and would like to hear a woman's view on this matter.

I can't believe this is happening to other people lol

she's drawn to you.
but she knows,
your ex is an ex for a reason.
on the brink of a huge mistake,
she gets cold feet.

yoyo exes.

next time she contacts you,
just ignore!

This makes sense, thanks. I don't get why she would do it over and over again though. But, I guess that is the only real solution. I'm thinking I'm going to explain myself so it's clear.

 

[dolfette]

you're better off just ignoring her.

my sister is one of those yoyo exes.
yes, i do want to box her ears

 

[atlclgurl]

STOP! She is probably not aware of this, and in all likelihood would deny it vehemently if confronted, but she is USING YOU. Using you? How? Simple. You're her emotional safety net.

When she needs to feel good about herself, and she needs to know that someone will be good to her, she reaches out for YOU... the one guy she can count on to return her calls, answer her on FB, etc.

She may very well have feelings for you, but if she's not willing to DO anything about it, how does that help you (or the situation)? Her feelings and four bucks will get you a small latte at Starbucks...

Be polite, but firm the next time she wants to use you like this, tell her that you are not a doormat, you should be treated with respect and since she doesn't treat you with respect, you'd prefer to not have her in your life.

I know, its easy for ME to say, I don't have feelings for her. But, hard as it might be, you need to (gently) cut the strings.

 

[D_Rosalind Mussell]

I'm agree with dolfette.

Unfortunately, these things can go on for a long time if you allow them. Best to confront the situation and stop this not-so-merry go round.

I recently had a similar situation going on with an old friend/flame/I-have-no-idea-wtf-we-were right now. After more than 15 years he reached out to me through the internet. He found me and wanted to start talking again. We stopped talking on very bad terms so I asked him why he reached out to me. His answer was so vague it was practically non-existent.

I tried digging deeper a couple of times but he kept skirting the issue. Needless to say I'd had enough and just stopped talking to him. I'm beyond the cat and mouse bullshit and I think you are too, Tross.

May you break the cycle.

 

[CoachMcguirk]

I'm considering just telling her that I don't want to talk to her at all anymore and deleting her from my facebook, but that seems like such a dick move

Its not a dick move at all. Sometimes its best to not talk to ex's at all. They usually cause drama and will interfere with your love life in some way or another. You need to do what is best for YOU, its your life. Yes it is hard to drop someone you've known for a very long time but your priorities come first before anyone else.

 

[Incocknito]

She has a boyfriend, she doesn't care about you. Why would you waste your time with a girl you're not "romantically" interested in?

She just wants you to give her attention when her boyfriend isn't, or more likely when they have an argument. Yours is a long, lonely road if you continue this path.

 

[B_hunghealinglover]

I'm in agreement with everyone here. She's being very selfish, and isn't thinking of your feelings at all.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

I can't believe this is happening to other people lol


This makes sense, thanks. I don't get why she would do it over and over again though. But, I guess that is the only real solution. I'm thinking I'm going to explain myself so it's clear.

Well there is a key difference in that we share a very strong sexual chemistry flowered up by friendship and we both know there's not going to be anything more than that either.

I'm not really sure on her intentions but they seem genuine as far as lust goes.

 

[Ramsey]

I've had women who aren't exes do the same thing. They contact "oh hey! How you doing!? bla bla bla" then "oh could you do this for me" or "I really need some advice" or something. It all has to do with the big U word. And I don't mean uterus. USER is their first, middle, and last name, and I'm done with them. Been pissed on far too much, and like atlclgurl said, you're an emotional safety net.

 

[ConstantComment]

Why don't you tell her that you are dating someone? I bet she will call you then.

 

[ConstantComment]

****I'm considering just telling her that I don't want to talk to her at all anymore and deleting her from my facebook, but that seems like such a dick move since she hasn't really done anything wrong outside of erratic behavior****

One thing I want to say is do not let this woman get in the way of your forming new relationships. If you're worried about being rude to her, then putting her needs above those of a budding relationship is a very real possibility in your situation.

Back when I was a more easygoing person, I used to ask people out to do things that I was going to with or without them. A few times a person said that they would come and then didn't show up. Nor call to cancel. It started to annoy me and I kept asking myself why since I was going anyway. It's just a matter of courtesy. If you raise people's expectations by saying that you're going to do something, then you should do it.

These days, someone who says that they are coming but doesn't call to cancel has stood me up, plain and simple. And anyone who agrees to join me on something but cancels too often are people I start avoiding and looking for friendship elsewhere.

You should consider those standards when deciding what to do with this woman.

 

[tross87]

Why don't you tell her that you are dating someone? I bet she will call you then.

I don't necessarily want her to call me, I just found it so strange that someone would say they would call and then not call. Obviously I've never encountered this behavior before but after reading all the responses it seems like it's actually somewhat common. I also wanted to point out I'm not as big a push over as I might have made it sound, I have never prioritized this ex over something that was actually going on in my life.

Anyway, I actually have a current girlfriend, fairly new relationship. She's very level headed and a earlier today I asked her what she thought of all this and she responded pretty much how everyone else in this thread has. Initially I was trying to be all cautious about it but she just laughed. So, I guess it's pretty obvious what I should do. Thanks for all the advice, many were very insightful!

 

[Chimpoman]

Hope not to offend you but when you say you just want to be her friend and help her, then if that is your only motive, to be her friend and help her, then why would you become so frustrated and seemngly resentful to the point of cutting her out of your life? This doesnt sound right, id want to look at my motives again, is it pure and simple, to be her friend, help her? If it is, then be her friend, love her, would help to tell her that you really don't appreciate the fact that she says shell call but does not, but how can that bring you to a point of shutting her out........this all came about while trying to be a friend to her? This sounds as if it were coming from a person who would be there for her but is expecting something in return......why else would this bother you to this point.......id reexamine my motives, if I'm am bothered with something because of someone said this to me, then something is wrong with me.......she may have some issues, but that ain't your's so don't bother with hers, look at yours, there you will find the answers!