basket case? I hear and read that men are attracted to women who are "vulnerable."
What does that mean exactly and how does it get manifested?
What does that mean exactly and how does it get manifested?
What makes a woman vulnerable without being
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D_Crystallized Ginger
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I;m asking you men that. But I do realise that English is not your first language.
not all men are attracked to vulnerable women. The guys that are, are hoping for an easy target to sleep with. (I love strong women) it manifest because the guy gets turned down 1 to many times so they start looking for a vunerable women.
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I am not attracted to so-called vulnerable women.
Btw, does it only exist ?
More seriously, I do not intend to objectalised my partner and I think I happen to fall in love with an ensemble more than with one aspect of the person.
Maybe this vulnerable thing is way too reductive to explain why one gets attracted to someone.
Btw, does it only exist ?
More seriously, I do not intend to objectalised my partner and I think I happen to fall in love with an ensemble more than with one aspect of the person.
Maybe this vulnerable thing is way too reductive to explain why one gets attracted to someone.
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Vulnerable can be understood in different ways.
In some cases it does make me want to help and protect, but that doesn't necessarily attract me sexually. Tho i have found myself sexually attracted to women like that too.
However i don't think that that was the reason for that attraction.
Tho i did have moments where i have seen women and thought what a beautiful body, so delicate and graceful and yet so vulnerable.
In some cases it does make me want to help and protect, but that doesn't necessarily attract me sexually. Tho i have found myself sexually attracted to women like that too.
However i don't think that that was the reason for that attraction.
Tho i did have moments where i have seen women and thought what a beautiful body, so delicate and graceful and yet so vulnerable.
Vulnerability has been attractive to me in the past. I think it went hand in hand with sensitivity, and the willingness to wear one's heart on their sleeve. Putting your emotions out there without confronting the fear of doing so is not vulnerability, however. That's something else.
I think we all want vulnerability from our partners. It's what tells us that there's trust between us. I want to be able to feel things around my girl that I'm not comfortable feeling around other people. I want my girl to be able to feel the same way. So it's not that vulnerability is attractive or unattractive. It's that it's essential.
I think we all want vulnerability from our partners. It's what tells us that there's trust between us. I want to be able to feel things around my girl that I'm not comfortable feeling around other people. I want my girl to be able to feel the same way. So it's not that vulnerability is attractive or unattractive. It's that it's essential.
To me vulnerable means that she needs a protector of some sorts and yes I am attracted by the sweet naive innocent types but the opposite is also true, a true amazone warrior turns me on as well because she can measure up to me.
Phil Ayesho
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SOme folks are attracted to someone needy... because they feel insecure about their ability to hold the interest of someone more self reliant.
But needy is not the same as vulnerable.
Vulnerable means being open and capable of being hurt.
It means being willing to invest in a relationship, knowing it might mean a broken heart.
People who are vulnerable are open...
They do not armor themselves against injury.
The reason candid pictures of Marilyn Monroe are so prevalent, 50 some years after her death, is that they so often captured that open vulnerability that made men so want to protect and hold her.
When you meet a girl who looks at you, aloof and dismissive, waiting for you to 'prove' yourself worthy with some clever line or new approach... that is a woman hardened to love.
And when you meet a woman who looks at you with a an open smile, and that glimmer of hope that maybe this guy will be The guy... that is a woman who is still open...
still reachable... still willing to risk her heart and soul for something really great.
For someone really great.
But needy is not the same as vulnerable.
Vulnerable means being open and capable of being hurt.
It means being willing to invest in a relationship, knowing it might mean a broken heart.
People who are vulnerable are open...
They do not armor themselves against injury.
The reason candid pictures of Marilyn Monroe are so prevalent, 50 some years after her death, is that they so often captured that open vulnerability that made men so want to protect and hold her.
When you meet a girl who looks at you, aloof and dismissive, waiting for you to 'prove' yourself worthy with some clever line or new approach... that is a woman hardened to love.
And when you meet a woman who looks at you with a an open smile, and that glimmer of hope that maybe this guy will be The guy... that is a woman who is still open...
still reachable... still willing to risk her heart and soul for something really great.
For someone really great.
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i have always been attracted to the stronger, independent types. i want a gal who can think and act on her own. it makes our team relationship that much stronger.
HiddenLacey
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This is exactly the way I feel. Personally I don't believe someone vunerable needs someone to protect them or think for them.
Having ones heart and mind open to possibilites may bring more heartache, but IMO it would be the only way I could be true to myself or the person I am dating. Becoming jaded and building walls to feel protected against hurt is simply a form of self preservation, but I don't think that makes someone stronger.
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helgaleena
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I know that my weaknesses attract a certain type of controlling person, like sharks to blood. That is why I spend so much time alone. Previous experience has taught me this. Even when a former partner seemed serene and accepting, time would tell; the urge to remake me or corral me would eventually surface and poison the waters.
Since I have no idea how to stop sending out the signals besides playing icy, I have focused upon self-improvement for its own sake. But that is only in my spare time beyond doing things of more importance than assuaging my lusts.
I think growing up with poor self esteem, bad cringing posture and suicidal depressions contributed to the needy appearance more than a little. I have been addressing that.
Since I have no idea how to stop sending out the signals besides playing icy, I have focused upon self-improvement for its own sake. But that is only in my spare time beyond doing things of more importance than assuaging my lusts.
I think growing up with poor self esteem, bad cringing posture and suicidal depressions contributed to the needy appearance more than a little. I have been addressing that.
RawDog
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When I hear the term "vulnerable" being batted around as some asset, I believe the point of the matter isn't a willingness to be hurt, it's the willingness to trust. I think vulnerability and strength aren't necessarily polar opposites. I don't care to see your weaknesses.
I care that you trust me.
I care that you trust me.
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As a few people have noted, sometimes the vulnerability is unfortunately what some of the more predatory men have a keen eye on (in this context, it is typically associated with an easy lay). Unfortunately, this isn't something I could righteously deny: there's guys out there who prowl and look for women in low spots, show them a little love to get in their pants, and then leave them feeling worse than they already did.
As some have also noted, vulnerability is also a trait that some men lacking in self-confidence (sometimes rightfully so) seek in a woman, as the vulnerability is perceived to facilitate a co-dependency of said woman. Other men falling into this context see the vulnerability as an avenue to exercise their control over said woman.
Personally, I like the vulnerable trait in a woman for other reasons. Some have suggested that vulnerability is a trait that exists in place of a strong woman; this is something I disagree with. I do like a strong, independent woman; I like someone I feel I can grow up and succeed in life with, as opposed to someone simply lets me succeed. I like to be in a level relationship where we can both feel even with one another, as opposed to above or below. Vulnerability is something I consider independent of that: vulnerability, to me, ultimately (and, perhaps, indirectly) means the capability to not only love, but be loved. I won't deny that, on some level, everyone is vulnerable; however, most of us do the best we can to hide it-- especially to the ones that are closer to us (the ones who could actually hurt us). I won't exclude men here, because we do it too-- perhaps more so; but many of my relationships (both intimate and non-intimate) with women have been, at the very least, inhibited by girls' unwillingness to show vulnerability. I'm sure women would say the same about us; I simply can't embrace a first-person statement for that, because I honestly don't invest as much time or heart into relationships with men. My point is that I've met many people that I've really liked, either as friends or more, but it became increasingly difficult to "be there" for them because they were so intent on masking their vulnerability. It seems, these days, that many girls (either being keen on how some guys prey on vulnerability to get laid, or simply jaded by men previous) try extra hard not to show vulnerability around guys (at least, the ones with dicks anyway). While I do understand this reluctance and can't really speak against it, I have to admit that it's certainly a nice breath of fresh air to meet a girl who isn't afraid to be vulnerable. My close friends are among the most important things to me in my life, and I do anything within my power to help them in times of need and be a good friend. Although my list of good friends is small, the ones that make my list are like family to me. It gets frustrating, in relationships, to be unable to help when you sincerely want to, because people are too stubborn to open up to you. A girl who is willing to trust me enough to be vulnerable around me is a girl I can really connect with and get close with (after all, isn't the lack of vulnerability a product of simply withholding things/thoughts/etc that would allow a person too much insight into another's personal life-- therefore, a collection of secrets and privileged information?). Whether it's a friend or more, I'm sure no one would deny the benefits of getting close with another person and having someone you feel you really know and can talk with about things you wouldn't normally bring into conversation; and if you can agree with that, than you also cannot deny how good it feels to know that someone else feels that way about you.
So yes, I like a vulnerable girl. But it's not because she's easier to have sex with or control, and it's not because I have a better chance of getting into her head and convincing her that I'm really all she needs in life so that she never looks elsewhere. I like a vulnerable girl because, to me, it means that, with time, there is a better chance that I will be able to get close to this person, share secrets, and develop a solid, trusting relationship with them. I'm not saying I don't think a good relationship can occur with someone who lives by the "never let 'em see you sweat" creed; but I believe that withholding vulnerability puts an effective, implicit cap ("glass ceiling," if I may) on how "close" a relationship can get. I believe that one of the fundamental elements of a good relationship, in any context, is trust. If you aren't willing to admit weakness and be vulnerable around a person, than you obviously don't trust them; if you feel you cannot trust a person, there's a limit to how far things can go. I understand that very few are going to go jumping out into relationships with their guard down, and I'm not suggesting that people should, but ... and maybe I'm off here, a little ... isn't the scary part of opening up to another person part of what makes a relationship so special? On some level, isn't that supposed to be part of a relationship? In my opinion, one of the major incentives in building a relationship with another is having a person with whom you do not have to "play it safe" with; to that end, it seems keeping your walls up the whole time would defeat the whole purpose. If you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable, what's the point, really? To extend on Phil's comments prior to me, a girl willing to show vulnerability shows hope. It shows that she hasn't yet been jaded or convinced herself that she knows enough to make statements about "all men," like so many other woman. It shows that she's still willing to give someone (maybe you, if you're lucky) an honest, fair chance at developing a great, lasting relationship.
... or something like that.
As some have also noted, vulnerability is also a trait that some men lacking in self-confidence (sometimes rightfully so) seek in a woman, as the vulnerability is perceived to facilitate a co-dependency of said woman. Other men falling into this context see the vulnerability as an avenue to exercise their control over said woman.
Personally, I like the vulnerable trait in a woman for other reasons. Some have suggested that vulnerability is a trait that exists in place of a strong woman; this is something I disagree with. I do like a strong, independent woman; I like someone I feel I can grow up and succeed in life with, as opposed to someone simply lets me succeed. I like to be in a level relationship where we can both feel even with one another, as opposed to above or below. Vulnerability is something I consider independent of that: vulnerability, to me, ultimately (and, perhaps, indirectly) means the capability to not only love, but be loved. I won't deny that, on some level, everyone is vulnerable; however, most of us do the best we can to hide it-- especially to the ones that are closer to us (the ones who could actually hurt us). I won't exclude men here, because we do it too-- perhaps more so; but many of my relationships (both intimate and non-intimate) with women have been, at the very least, inhibited by girls' unwillingness to show vulnerability. I'm sure women would say the same about us; I simply can't embrace a first-person statement for that, because I honestly don't invest as much time or heart into relationships with men. My point is that I've met many people that I've really liked, either as friends or more, but it became increasingly difficult to "be there" for them because they were so intent on masking their vulnerability. It seems, these days, that many girls (either being keen on how some guys prey on vulnerability to get laid, or simply jaded by men previous) try extra hard not to show vulnerability around guys (at least, the ones with dicks anyway). While I do understand this reluctance and can't really speak against it, I have to admit that it's certainly a nice breath of fresh air to meet a girl who isn't afraid to be vulnerable. My close friends are among the most important things to me in my life, and I do anything within my power to help them in times of need and be a good friend. Although my list of good friends is small, the ones that make my list are like family to me. It gets frustrating, in relationships, to be unable to help when you sincerely want to, because people are too stubborn to open up to you. A girl who is willing to trust me enough to be vulnerable around me is a girl I can really connect with and get close with (after all, isn't the lack of vulnerability a product of simply withholding things/thoughts/etc that would allow a person too much insight into another's personal life-- therefore, a collection of secrets and privileged information?). Whether it's a friend or more, I'm sure no one would deny the benefits of getting close with another person and having someone you feel you really know and can talk with about things you wouldn't normally bring into conversation; and if you can agree with that, than you also cannot deny how good it feels to know that someone else feels that way about you.
So yes, I like a vulnerable girl. But it's not because she's easier to have sex with or control, and it's not because I have a better chance of getting into her head and convincing her that I'm really all she needs in life so that she never looks elsewhere. I like a vulnerable girl because, to me, it means that, with time, there is a better chance that I will be able to get close to this person, share secrets, and develop a solid, trusting relationship with them. I'm not saying I don't think a good relationship can occur with someone who lives by the "never let 'em see you sweat" creed; but I believe that withholding vulnerability puts an effective, implicit cap ("glass ceiling," if I may) on how "close" a relationship can get. I believe that one of the fundamental elements of a good relationship, in any context, is trust. If you aren't willing to admit weakness and be vulnerable around a person, than you obviously don't trust them; if you feel you cannot trust a person, there's a limit to how far things can go. I understand that very few are going to go jumping out into relationships with their guard down, and I'm not suggesting that people should, but ... and maybe I'm off here, a little ... isn't the scary part of opening up to another person part of what makes a relationship so special? On some level, isn't that supposed to be part of a relationship? In my opinion, one of the major incentives in building a relationship with another is having a person with whom you do not have to "play it safe" with; to that end, it seems keeping your walls up the whole time would defeat the whole purpose. If you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable, what's the point, really? To extend on Phil's comments prior to me, a girl willing to show vulnerability shows hope. It shows that she hasn't yet been jaded or convinced herself that she knows enough to make statements about "all men," like so many other woman. It shows that she's still willing to give someone (maybe you, if you're lucky) an honest, fair chance at developing a great, lasting relationship.
... or something like that.
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helgaleena
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driftingvoid, that is wonderful to hear. Someday I hope to be approachable once again. It sure beats getting snarled at for looking soft and sweet and then not being so underneath!
AlteredEgo
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AlteredEgo
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I don't think anyone was saying it's a willingness to be hurt, but rather a willingness to RISK being hurt.
I have said here a few times in the past that my husband and I are co-dependent, possibly unhealthily so, but there it is. When we became friends, neither of us wanted to deal with a romance. We wanted sex for sure (though not necessarily with each other), yet romance carried with it too much potential for further heartbreak, and we were both heartbroken enough. In those days, I frequently said, "I'm not looking for any man to make me any more pretty promises, and I'm certainly not looking to make any promises of my own. " I had lost any ability to be vulnerable with a man, and it often made me uncomfortable when they were too open with me. Every once in a while, if a man let me get in very close to him emotionally, I would take that as a sign that it was safe to let him in as well, and I usually got burned.
However, my husband and I found a way to be vulnerable together. Neither of us could ever trust anyone else the way we trust each other. He says he has never felt safety like this before. I have, but it's been a long time since then. Our ability to be vulnerable with each other is what brought us together as two in love, and is the core of our marriage. I think divorce would change me irrevocably. I can't be like this with anyone else again if my trust proves to be misplaced. I can't do it. However, in him, I believe I have found someone worthy of my trust, and my faith, and that from a risk-management perspective, this love is a great investment.
ugh I wish I were vulnerable. i have been really practicing and trying to change how I normally behave--which is that I don't need anyone, rely on anyone, least of all a man, in order to feel emotionally secure.
The truth is I really don't....but deep down I know I do. I am trying to be more open and not so dismissive because I have a really bad habit of treating people like they make no difference to me in order to protect myself. Christ I sound like a bitch.
I really am very nice. I am just afraid.
The truth is I really don't....but deep down I know I do. I am trying to be more open and not so dismissive because I have a really bad habit of treating people like they make no difference to me in order to protect myself. Christ I sound like a bitch.
I really am very nice. I am just afraid.
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