What makes a woman vulnerable without being

[irox19]

I don't think anyone was saying it's a willingness to be hurt, but rather a willingness to RISK being hurt.

I have said here a few times in the past that my husband and I are co-dependent, possibly unhealthily so, but there it is. When we became friends, neither of us wanted to deal with a romance. We wanted sex for sure (though not necessarily with each other), yet romance carried with it too much potential for further heartbreak, and we were both heartbroken enough. In those days, I frequently said, "I'm not looking for any man to make me any more pretty promises, and I'm certainly not looking to make any promises of my own. " I had lost any ability to be vulnerable with a man, and it often made me uncomfortable when they were too open with me. Every once in a while, if a man let me get in very close to him emotionally, I would take that as a sign that it was safe to let him in as well, and I usually got burned.

However, my husband and I found a way to be vulnerable together. Neither of us could ever trust anyone else the way we trust each other. He says he has never felt safety like this before. I have, but it's been a long time since then. Our ability to be vulnerable with each other is what brought us together as two in love, and is the core of our marriage. I think divorce would change me irrevocably. I can't be like this with anyone else again if my trust proves to be misplaced. I can't do it. However, in him, I believe I have found someone worthy of my trust, and my faith, and that from a risk-management perspective, this love is a great investment.

If it works for you this way, why do you say it's unhealthy? Just wondering. Sounds like a good thing to me.

 

[D_Chode Manhammer]

a coworker of mine suffers from fibromyalgia. we also suffer from the same mental illnesses. if you're desperate enough to come to me for help i give it. she is going through a tough time. she is very attractive, but i told her that if i give her help she better not think i was trying to get down her pants. i like to think we have an honest friendship right now and there are times when nothing has to be said in each others' presence as far as support goes.

 

[avg_joe]

Don't know about women. But I am attracted to men.

 

[Ethyl]

I think we all want vulnerability from our partners. It's what tells us that there's trust between us. I want to be able to feel things around my girl that I'm not comfortable feeling around other people. I want my girl to be able to feel the same way. So it's not that vulnerability is attractive or unattractive. It's that it's essential.

Therein lies the risk. As painful as it has been to be vulnerable I want to experience all the amazing possibilities placing myself in that position has to offer.

 

[badgirl22]

Ah vunerability - how so many of us woman fight it! After my divorce I wanted nothing to do with the emotional side of a relationship. Put a coat of teflon on my emotions and headed out into the world. Was pretty fun too. But then, I decided to allow myself to be *vunerable* and entered an exclusive relationship where I decided I'd feel what I was going to feel regardless of whether those feelings were returned - opened me up for some real heartache. What I have learned over the past two years is that vulnerability is scary - but, without it, one cannot experience the amazing feelings of being in love and all that goes with it. There is no way to fully experience that without the understanding there could be serious heartache as a result of allowing one's self to feel the full gamut of emotions. Vunerability = allowing one's self to shed the emotional teflon and take the risk of loving someone fully.

 

[B_Hung Jon]

Ah vunerability - how so many of us woman fight it! After my divorce I wanted nothing to do with the emotional side of a relationship. Put a coat of teflon on my emotions and headed out into the world. Was pretty fun too. But then, I decided to allow myself to be *vunerable* and entered an exclusive relationship where I decided I'd feel what I was going to feel regardless of whether those feelings were returned - opened me up for some real heartache. What I have learned over the past two years is that vulnerability is scary - but, without it, one cannot experience the amazing feelings of being in love and all that goes with it. There is no way to fully experience that without the understanding there could be serious heartache as a result of allowing one's self to feel the full gamut of emotions. Vunerability = allowing one's self to shed the emotional teflon and take the risk of loving someone fully.

I think what badgirl says is true of both women and men. I mean, men need to be open and vulnerable in a relationship too. Without feeling "the full gamut of emotions", what would be the purpose of being with another person in a romantic way? Since I've had similar relationships with guys as well as women, I've found this to just be a part of our human need to care for and be close to other people. It's what it means to be alive.

 

[denton85]

i've skimmed some of the responses and i know this is going to sound weird, and possibly offensive, however not only do i understand, but i have to admit that i am attracted to vulnerable women.

i've been in a few relationships in my days. and i've been with a few girls that have some issues. I wont get into any big details at the moment but when i see a girl that is in need of help i feel compelled, almost like a magnet to help them. I've been in relationships with girls who were bipolar, had clinical depression, and in some cases just off the wall unpredictable. It's not that I WANT these kind of girls... cause to be frank, it can be draining mentally. However it just gives that primal feeling of being a girl's man, and taking care of them in their time of need. It's just a good feeling to be a rock for a girl who needs it.

Just so everyone knows i'm currently in a normal relationship with a girl who is NOT vulnerable such as this. However when she is run down and needs to be taken care of, i'm happy to be there for her.

 

[irox19]

Ah vunerability - how so many of us woman fight it! After my divorce I wanted nothing to do with the emotional side of a relationship. Put a coat of teflon on my emotions and headed out into the world. Was pretty fun too. But then, I decided to allow myself to be *vunerable* and entered an exclusive relationship where I decided I'd feel what I was going to feel regardless of whether those feelings were returned - opened me up for some real heartache. What I have learned over the past two years is that vulnerability is scary - but, without it, one cannot experience the amazing feelings of being in love and all that goes with it. There is no way to fully experience that without the understanding there could be serious heartache as a result of allowing one's self to feel the full gamut of emotions. Vunerability = allowing one's self to shed the emotional teflon and take the risk of loving someone fully.

how did you do this? after what you went through?

 

[AlteredEgo]

i've skimmed some of the responses and i know this is going to sound weird, and possibly offensive, however not only do i understand, but i have to admit that i am attracted to vulnerable women.

i've been in a few relationships in my days. and i've been with a few girls that have some issues. I wont get into any big details at the moment but when i see a girl that is in need of help i feel compelled, almost like a magnet to help them. I've been in relationships with girls who were bipolar, had clinical depression, and in some cases just off the wall unpredictable. It's not that I WANT these kind of girls... cause to be frank, it can be draining mentally. However it just gives that primal feeling of being a girl's man, and taking care of them in their time of need. It's just a good feeling to be a rock for a girl who needs it.

Just so everyone knows i'm currently in a normal relationship with a girl who is NOT vulnerable such as this. However when she is run down and needs to be taken care of, i'm happy to be there for her.

That's not vulnerability. That's insanity.

 

[D_Chode Manhammer]

i've skimmed some of the responses and i know this is going to sound weird, and possibly offensive, however not only do i understand, but i have to admit that i am attracted to vulnerable women.

i've been in a few relationships in my days. and i've been with a few girls that have some issues. I wont get into any big details at the moment but when i see a girl that is in need of help i feel compelled, almost like a magnet to help them. I've been in relationships with girls who were bipolar, had clinical depression, and in some cases just off the wall unpredictable. It's not that I WANT these kind of girls... cause to be frank, it can be draining mentally. However it just gives that primal feeling of being a girl's man, and taking care of them in their time of need. It's just a good feeling to be a rock for a girl who needs it.

Just so everyone knows i'm currently in a normal relationship with a girl who is NOT vulnerable such as this. However when she is run down and needs to be taken care of, i'm happy to be there for her.

i think it is a quality of life issue as being a friend in need is a friend indeed. but having a relationship with them, yes i agree it is insanity.

 

[RawDog]

I don't think anyone was saying it's a willingness to be hurt, but rather a willingness to RISK being hurt.

Point taken. I tend to overcomplicate some things and oversimplify others. This is one of those oversimplifying things for me. If I love you, I want to be with you forever. That's how I feel today, I trust that how you feel as well.

I also trust that that's the way we'll feel tomorrow. If not, that's life. It'll hurt, but I'll survive.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Point taken. I tend to overcomplicate some things and oversimplify others. This is one of those oversimplifying things for me. If I love you, I want to be with you forever. That's how I feel today, I trust that how you feel as well.

I also trust that that's the way we'll feel tomorrow. If not, that's life. It'll hurt, but I'll survive.

Some people, after they've been hurt very badly, or in unexpected ways, or too many times lose their ability to be vulnerable. That happened to me. Pain can be very frightening. It can be very difficult to remind oneself that if one shields their self too well to prevent further pain, they will also succeed in shielding their self from good things too.

 

[Argonaut 1975]

ugh I wish I were vulnerable. i have been really practicing and trying to change how I normally behave--which is that I don't need anyone, rely on anyone, least of all a man, in order to feel emotionally secure.

The truth is I really don't....but deep down I know I do. I am trying to be more open and not so dismissive because I have a really bad habit of treating people like they make no difference to me in order to protect myself. Christ I sound like a bitch.

I really am very nice. I am just afraid.

Everyone is afraid.

Admitting it means you're on the road to recovery.

 

[badgirl22]

how did you do this? after what you went through?

Which part? Coating my emotions in teflon and just enjoying myself in the moment or shedding the teflon and becoming vunerable and open to love and heartache?

If it's the becoming vunerable, it was very difficult for me. Fought it the for awhile but...I left my husband because I wanted to *live* life and once I met someone who I felt might just be worth the risk I just dove in (after awhile:wink. Said person has indeed broken my heart but he's working on repairing it now - on our second go-around. Turns out I hadn't given up the armor completely the first time but was determined the second time to feel what I was going to feel regardless of how he felt in return - I was going to be as vunerable as humanly possible for me despite being smart enough to know it might not be the best thing with this particular person who I knew was capable of hurting me. I've been surprised by him several times in a good way but I will tell you I fight the urge to run and be super teflon woman all the time.

When one is searching for independence and strength it's not easy to let the vunerable side out. Seems a contradiction in terms but actually, independence and strength and vunerabilty are mutually exclusive and can indeed coexist. I'm still blindly finding my way with the whole thing. Even if I get my heart broken again, it will have been worth it and I'll regret nothing.

 

[irox19]

thanks for that badgirl. Insightful for sure. The thought of feeling whatever I want to feel in the presence of someone else makes me cringe. But I should start trying.

 

[driftingvoid]

Ah vunerability - how so many of us woman fight it! After my divorce I wanted nothing to do with the emotional side of a relationship. Put a coat of teflon on my emotions and headed out into the world. Was pretty fun too. But then, I decided to allow myself to be *vunerable* and entered an exclusive relationship where I decided I'd feel what I was going to feel regardless of whether those feelings were returned - opened me up for some real heartache. What I have learned over the past two years is that vulnerability is scary - but, without it, one cannot experience the amazing feelings of being in love and all that goes with it. There is no way to fully experience that without the understanding there could be serious heartache as a result of allowing one's self to feel the full gamut of emotions. Vunerability = allowing one's self to shed the emotional teflon and take the risk of loving someone fully.

I agree very much with you, badgirl. I don't think it applies just to relationships, though. My philosophy, and what I try to convince my friends when they're down, is simple-- and, unfortunately, slightly cliche: if you aren't willing to take risks (emotional, in this context, though I think it applies to many other things such as physical, financial, etc), you effectively stunt yourself from ever experiencing the best life has to offer.

I'm not saying miracles don't happen or very special people/circumstances don't exist, but ... in simple terms:

If you never allow yourself to get hurt, you make it very hard to experience true love
If you never allow yourself to go broke, you might miss your opportunity to get rich
If you never allow yourself to lose, you probably also won't ever put yourself in a position to really win.

No risk, no gain.

Yin, yang.

 

[Argonaut 1975]

I concur drifting, one of my difficulties in early life was my shear social ineptitude led to rejection, and I in turn guarded myself very effectively against being emotionally touched.

If people can't reach you, they can't hurt you. But if they can't reach you, you can't reach them either.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

When I hear the term "vulnerable" being batted around as some asset, I believe the point of the matter isn't a willingness to be hurt, it's the willingness to trust. I think vulnerability and strength aren't necessarily polar opposites. I don't care to see your weaknesses.

I care that you trust me.

I think you are right...

But being willing to trust means being at risk of being shattered.

You can not have the one, without the other.



To be able to remain vulnerable, even after multiple heartbreaks... That takes a kind of courage that could never be described as a weakness.