What makes some people controlling?

[Drifterwood]

Please share your experiences and thoughts. If you can link to any other information/discussions, please share.

Thanks.

 

[NightOwlGate]

What do you mean, "controlling"? You mean wanting to be in a faithful relationship? I don't believe that is controlling, I believe that is just the way relationships should be. I don't want to share my man, and I don't want my man to want to share me.

 

[dolfette]

insecurity.

it's like any other OCD. you feel out of control in a big, scary world and your coping mechanism is to concentrate on controlling one thing. anorexics control their diet, neat freaks line up their soup cans and controlling partners try to keep constant tabs on and control of their spouse's life.

they're weak.

 

[dolfette]

What do you mean, "controlling"? You mean wanting to be in a faithful relationship? I don't believe that is controlling, I believe that is just the way relationships should be. I don't want to share my man, and I don't want my man to want to share me.

where did you get that from???

have you ever seen couples where one needs to know where the other is at all times? wants to control what they wear, where they go, who they talk to?

drifter is talking about those people.

 

[ConstantComment]

Insecurity could be one motivator of controlling. Sense of entitlement, perhaps.

I am always interested in how controlling manifests itself. The panoply of maneuvers can be fascinating.

 

[dolfette]

I am always interested in how controlling manifests itself. The panoply of maneuvers can be fascinating.

my sis left her husband 6 months ago.
he's gone as far as to refuse to see their son at weekends, so that she won't have free time to see other men.

 

[green carnation]

And has anyone found that control-freaks do not often control their own lives with the same level of detail. It is not just about them being generally controlling of everything, but about them being controlling of OTHERS.

Avoidance?

 

[dolfette]

And has anyone found that control-freaks do not often control their own lives with the same level of detail. It is not just about them being generally controlling of everything, but about them being controlling of OTHERS.

Avoidance?

and they never seem to be in control of their own emotions...prone to tears and tempers. they are out of control so they seek a sense of control by fixating on their spouse.

 

[Enid]

What makes some people controlling?

I speculate:

* a lot of ego maybe?

* a need for power

* fear of loss

* need to maintain order

* narcissism (“If I am right, and of course I am, then anyone who disagrees with me must be wrong, so it is my duty and my right to direct and control such lesser, mistaken people.&#8221

 

[D_Eddie Withagun]

* narcissism (“If I am right, and of course I am, then anyone who disagrees with me must be wrong, so it is my duty and my right to direct and control such lesser, mistaken people.”)

steer clear of those ppl. :sly:

I'd actually say it was lack of ego, though.

 

[FRE]

Some parents are control freaks; my mother was.

 

[558266]

Being insecure and feeling insignificant.

 

[nudeyorker]

I think often it is people who were once controlled; or people who can't deal with the uncontrollable issues in life and use control issues in their personal life to offset the vertigo they feel from the outside world.

 

[Catchoftheday]

Getting lots of votes in elections

 

[B_Hung Jon]

I had a g/f who was very insecure so in order to feel safe she would try to control everything and everyone around her. And if I (or others close to her) didn't support her crazy controlling activities, she would become either super angry, act out a lot or cry to get her way. She was the only person I ever knew who did this, and it didn't take me long to get out of that relationship. When I did got away from her, she would call me and my friends any time of the night or day, and complain about what a horrible person I was, how I abused her emotionally, and then abandoned her. It seems she had a long history of controlling behavior in her past. I met some of her exs and they all said that even though they felt sorry for her, they really could no longer deal with her need to control them completely and in every aspect of their lives. I've always felt sad that I couldn't do anything to help her.

 

[D_Doe_Ray_Mi]

Desperate attempt to compensate for insecurities. Fear of being controlled, solution, control others first.

 

[Bbucko]

Aren't we really talking about three separate issues here?

1) Micromanagement is a neurotic fixation on details (most of which are largely irrelevant to the outcome) that mostly comes from very uncreative types who cannot trust others to deliver an outcome without his/her constant meddling and corrective oversight. I no longer waste a moment's attention on these people unless forced to at work, and then only long enough to find a way to get out of his/her sphere of influence.

2) Husbands, wives and partners who feel compelled to dress you, dictate all aspects of how the household is run (including decor), and who keep nearly-constant tabs on your actions and whereabouts are simply bossy, unreasonable bitches. My last long-term relationship (which dragged on for nine years after it should have been cut off after four at the most) was a textbook example of this.

People who act controlling in either of those scenarios are riddled with insecurity, doubts, suspicion and jealousy: they are toxic.

3) I separate out BDSM sex play from those top two categories, not because they never overlap, but because they operate on a completely different dynamic of collaboration and consent. The Dom(me)/top can only take things as far as the sub/bottom will permit, whether by general/prior agreement or the use of safe words. In fact, the degree to which one partner "controls" the encounter (appearances notwithstanding) is actually debatable and open to interpretation.

 

[goodwood]

yes, i think its violent insecurity and fear that causes people to be controlling (or try to control others). i have had countless girlfriends try to pull that controlling shit with me and i just won't have it. its not necessary. i have no desire to control other people and i won't have people trying to control my every move.

 

[FRE]

I had a g/f who was very insecure so in order to feel safe she would try to control everything and everyone around her. And if I (or others close to her) didn't support her crazy controlling activities, she would become either super angry, act out a lot or cry to get her way. She was the only person I ever knew who did this, and it didn't take me long to get out of that relationship. When I did got away from her, she would call me and my friends any time of the night or day, and complain about what a horrible person I was, how I abused her emotionally, and then abandoned her. It seems she had a long history of controlling behavior in her past. I met some of her exs and they all said that even though they felt sorry for her, they really could no longer deal with her need to control them completely and in every aspect of their lives. I've always felt sad that I couldn't do anything to help her.

That reminds me of how my mother treated my siblings and me. She was very manipulative. She also became angry, cried, and said, "Why are you doing this to me?" Unfortunately, kids don't know how to handle such things and just suffer and we still have not completely recovered from the damage she inflicted. Let's hope that your former GF never becomes a mother.

 

[FRE]

steer clear of those ppl. :sly:

I'd actually say it was lack of ego, though.

RIGHT!! Steer clear of them. Unfortunately, kids can't when a parent is a control freak.