honestly I think you are probubly right but before getting to deep into the debate it's probubly best if the O.poster clears up his meaning.
And I like the idea of controlling what a girl wears, cus I'll opt for her to wear nothing : P
What makes some people controlling?
- Thread starter Drifterwood
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honestly I think you are probubly right but before getting to deep into the debate it's probubly best if the O.poster clears up his meaning.
And I like the idea of controlling what a girl wears, cus I'll opt for her to wear nothing : P
I dunno, I feel insignificant and I generally don't control people
except like, if a girl will be naked cus I want her to then I will utilize that particular control : o )
Some control freaks are manipulative sociopaths. Ever see the movie, "Sleeping With The Enemy"? Classic portrayal of a sociopathic control freak.
Let's not give too much sympathy to controllers, just because they are unfortunate enough to be insecure. As someone else points out, you can be insecure and feel insiginifcant without being motivated to control others.
In fact, I think a lot of people who are controlling are very secure and confident people. They behave in a controlling manner because they feel confident that there is no backlash or downside to it. The insecure person who isn't controlling is that way because they are afraid that if they ask for what they want --whether a legitimate request or a request simply to mess with others --they are fearful that they will be branded as demanding, selfish, whatever and may not have the opportunity to be invited by /interact with that person or group again.
Another motivation for control which is akin to a sense of entitlement is a sense of superiority --that is, you're helping out because what you have to offer is necesaarily superior and others would be idiots not to accept it.
In fact, I think a lot of people who are controlling are very secure and confident people. They behave in a controlling manner because they feel confident that there is no backlash or downside to it. The insecure person who isn't controlling is that way because they are afraid that if they ask for what they want --whether a legitimate request or a request simply to mess with others --they are fearful that they will be branded as demanding, selfish, whatever and may not have the opportunity to be invited by /interact with that person or group again.
Another motivation for control which is akin to a sense of entitlement is a sense of superiority --that is, you're helping out because what you have to offer is necesaarily superior and others would be idiots not to accept it.
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FRE
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Not all controllers control for the same reason. But, controllers can sure make the lives of others miserable and do a lot of damage.
Adults can learn to deal with controllers, but generally children whose parents are controllers are helpless to do anything about it.
It's about power - the alpha male and ego satisfaction.
Some people just need to be in CHARGE of their own well-being and destiny at the expense of others.
I don't think it's a particularly bad thing. I think most people who manage people for a living have to have this personality trait.
Some people just need to be in CHARGE of their own well-being and destiny at the expense of others.
I don't think it's a particularly bad thing. I think most people who manage people for a living have to have this personality trait.
Lots of Rope and a Good whip or riding crop does it for me ........ Ball gags r good too !!!
wanting to know if an outfit is flattering is ok.
but that, ''i'm so faaaaaaat!!!'' whine some women do gets no attention or sympathy from me.
i'm sure i made a thread on that one.
everyone has insecurities.
manipulating other people rather than facing up to it is what pisses me off. it's gutless.
I can think of three "types" at the moment.
Those who think they know best.
Those who want things their way.
Those who are insecure/scared of things not being within their comfort zone.
None are particularly endearing.
Those who think they know best.
Those who want things their way.
Those who are insecure/scared of things not being within their comfort zone.
None are particularly endearing.
True, mostly. I waited until I was 18 and got the hell out of the house. It was like being released from prison.
I could stay up past 8:00 p.m.! I could hang out with friends! I could go to their place! They could come to my place! I could go out with friends! It was a revelation.
While I was doing my undergraduate degree, I came to my parents' house for the summers and breaks. I referred to it as their house, NOT my home, and said that home was wherever my heart was. My (controlling) mother got the first clue.
In graduate school, I stayed away from my parents for months at a time, with no contact whatsoever. My three older brothers had already disengaged. My mother all of a sudden had no one to control. She got the second clue.
Then, when I came back to my home state, I had no contact at all with my mother for almost a decade. She learned a bit from that as well, I think.
More recently (within the last two years), I've initiated contact with her and Dad, and I've told her point-blank that I'm trying to forgive her for her bad parenting and trying to get past the serious anger I still hold toward her for her insanity and her abusiveness. (Of course, because she's crazy, she doesn't admit that she was in any way abusive, so that used to piss me off when I first initiated contact with them again. Now, though, I just smile and tell her, "What you choose to admit to or remember does not change what actually happened. And my brothers are all witnesses to the way you behaved. So this IS the truth, and it happened, and I'm trying to forgive you for it. Even though you won't admit to having done it to me or to any of my brothers." This kind of intellectual judo tends to set her back a step.)
To be fair, I've also told her about the parenting she did that was excellent. Teaching me to read early in my life (I could read by the age of three), buying books for me, taking me to the library, doing EVERYthing around the house so her sons didn't have to have chores and could study undisturbed (a mixed blessing), paying for multiple summer camps for multiple sons every summer, working the night shift as a nurse almost every night for 15 years so she could be home with her sons during the afternoon and evening, etc.
Still, the average of a 100 and a 0 is 50, which is a failing grade. As I pointed out. And I reminded her that she has been estranged from all four of her sons simultaneously during most of the time since we left her house. Another reason to think she might not be the best parent in the world.
0 for 4? Sounds like a less-than-winning season. So these days, when she tries that controlling shit, I nip it in the bud. "You're doing it again," I say. "Back off. This isn't your life; it's mine. Back the hell off." And she'll shut up, because she knows that if she doesn't, she won't have ANY kind of relationship with me, not even a strained one.
As a reward for her backing the hell off (behavior modification, anyone??), I spend time with her and Dad and do things around the house that they can't do, now that they're older.
NCbear (who thinks I sound more than a bit cynical here, particularly since it's Mother's Day, but who has endured more than a bit of physical and emotional and psychological abuse, so I feel I'm being more realistic than cynical--and kinder to my mother than she may deserve, considering her literal craziness and highly abusive actions when I was growing up: My man and I are going to visit her and Dad later today and treat them to a Mother's Day dinner)
ha! crazy mothers are everywhere!
my mother did everything around the house, refused to let us lift a finger...yet constantly screamed at us for not helping.
she wouldn't let us be in the garden or even in a different room in the house, except to sleep & shit...we all lived in the kitchen.
she would sabotage our educations, putting coffee rings & footprints over our work, never allowing us peace to study.
and yet as soon as we got a boyfriend she washed her hands of us. my elder sister at 17, me at 16 and my younger sister at just 15. if a man was in charge then her job was done.
she literally threw us at them...telling my first boyfriend, who i never slept with, to get me put on the pill. in front of me, like i wasn't there, like it was just between her and him and my opinions never came into it.
these days nobody controls me.
she never even tries.
in fact she's a little intimidated.
...she has no self control and doesn't feel in control of her own life. controling us was a way of avoiding her issues.
my mother did everything around the house, refused to let us lift a finger...yet constantly screamed at us for not helping.
she wouldn't let us be in the garden or even in a different room in the house, except to sleep & shit...we all lived in the kitchen.
she would sabotage our educations, putting coffee rings & footprints over our work, never allowing us peace to study.
and yet as soon as we got a boyfriend she washed her hands of us. my elder sister at 17, me at 16 and my younger sister at just 15. if a man was in charge then her job was done.
she literally threw us at them...telling my first boyfriend, who i never slept with, to get me put on the pill. in front of me, like i wasn't there, like it was just between her and him and my opinions never came into it.
these days nobody controls me.
she never even tries.
in fact she's a little intimidated.
...she has no self control and doesn't feel in control of her own life. controling us was a way of avoiding her issues.
I wonder if birth order has anything to do with this. It would seem plausible that oldest (and only, to a lesser extent) children would be used to having things their own way, and would have trouble accepting the full autonomy and equality of others. The whole middle child karma of being a diplomatic peacemaker and subordinating one's own wishes to the collective has really marked my life especially at work.
http://www.thecutekid.com/parenting/birth-order-characterictics.php
http://www.thecutekid.com/parenting/birth-order-characterictics.php
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Controlling behavior is a continuum, not a discrete category. Older sibling controlling behavior is one general category, threats and outright domination by the more powerful; younger sibling controlling behavior is another, passive-aggressive manipulation and attention-seeking. I've had one past partner with each tendency, either to intimidate or annoy me into doing what they want. Now am in a more balanced relationship, but each has individual domains of control-freak tendencies that need to be reigned in.
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