You missed House on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday? Fine, here's a bonus episode:
PATIENT: Doctor, I don't feel so well.
HOUSE: Well, maybe they're guilt pangs because you cheat on your boyfriend, you pathetic bitch.
PATIENT: That's really uncalled fo....heeeey, how did you know I cheat on my boyfriend?
HOUSE: You've got cocoa butter under your fingernails and that can only mean one thing, plus you've been here for three STD tests in three months. By the way, you have a stomach ulcer. I'll write you a prescription, you slut.
PATIENT: You're a real dick, Dr. House. See you next month.
(WILSON enters)
WILSON: House, we need you up in oncology. Cancer patient presented with shortness of breath and fecal blood.
HOUSE: But I was having such fun down here.
(SCENE: Interior of diagnostic conference room. HOUSE and the team have gathered.)
HOUSE: Differential diagnosis, differential diagnosis, god, I love saying that. What you got, people?
FOREMAN: It's not meningitis, since patient has no fever.
THIRTEEN: It's not athlete's foot, since . . .
HOUSE: We could be doing this all day. Any ideas on what it is?
(TEAM shrugs en masse.)
HOUSE: Did you notice the patient wears his hair in a ponytail that was pulled too tight? The skin exerts pressure on the cranium, causing a slow trauma porphyria in the upper hippocampus. We'll need to operate immediately.
CUDDY: We should run some tests first. If we operate and it turns out to be acute pulmonary disease, we could lose the patient.
HOUSE: So? Patient gets to heaven that much sooner -- isn't that what you superstitious voodoo children all want anyway? THERE IS NO GOD. Now where's my Vicodin? We'll operate anyway, got it? Otherwise, there won't be a moment of conflict while we go to a commercial.
(Three stoners in pirate hats appear.)
CURLY HAIRED STONER: My bad credit landed me at a Ren Faire. Go figure that out, while I mug for the camera.
(We're back in the conference room.)
WILSON: Way to go, House. We operated, and now the patient's dying.
HOUSE: But did you see how big his teeth were? I can now deduce he's got hypercalcemia, which is why the surgery didn't work the first time. We're going back in, but this time, we'll do something different -- writers, come up with some mumbo jumbo for my speech here.
WILSON: I don't think you're supposed to say that out loud.
HOUSE: Shut up, Wilson. I only keep you around because you suck at poker.
(Operating room. Dramatic music stolen from Fear Factor.)
PATIENT: Wow, thanks for healing me, doctor. I was unconscious the whole time, but I have this unshakeable feeling you're a real dick.
(HOUSE returns to his office, and takes some more pills.)
...now how's THAT for a thread hijack.