What now?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by PonyBoi, Nov 18, 2008.

  1. PonyBoi

    PonyBoi New Member

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    I joined the site a long time ago and just let it fall to the back burner for me... I just... haven't had time but now I need help and advice... I hope I can still get some... even if I'm not a major contributor...

    anyway
    here goes *Takes deep breath*


    So I met this guy... just a bit before joining the site actually.
    and we hit it off really great. We get along well, have fairly similar interest, enjoy each other's company and can spend long periods of time together...
    after a few months we decided that we were going to move in together...
    it has worked out fairly well at least it did at first.
    We rented (at first) seperate rooms in the same basement apartment, you know just make sure we could live together without suffocating one another. Then we moved into the same room.
    Things didn't deteriorate....
    that was last august...

    that's the flat background but every story has different details to it so I guess I'll go into more detail cause right now it probably sounds like a decent deal.


    So let's start back at the beginning. We took it slow emotionally... we didn't want to rush into things or anything... Just friends to start... neither of us had been looking for someone else in the first place. Sex on the other hand was awesome... and frequent. We're talking those nice two hour I came three times and lost count of how many times he did kind of sessions... and that would happen a few times a week...

    To be fair I'm a three times a day kind of person... so I'm always kind of ready and in the mood. Anyway. We started out January of 2007 (after a little dating in december). In February he invited me to a party his friends were having. Now I'm not good with crowds of strangers and I told him so but agreed to go and meet his friends. So I wallflowered a bit, mingled a bit and got to know people... As the party was winding down and I realized we were way to drunk to drive home. I curled up in a blanket by myself... unable to find him... There was a lot of sex noise coming from upstairs. Which was him and another girl. I had a jealousy fit in my head. I was... livid... bring me to a party, introduce me to ALL your friends as your BOYFRIEND and then sleep with a chick. wtf right?

    Maybe I'm too nice or something but we talked about it. I mean I'm polyamorous (able to love or have more than one partner at a time) so I wasn't so upset about him sleeping with someone else, as the principle and timing of it... I mean I wouldn't mind him sleeping with someone else with me in the room and not part of it... I'm ok that way...

    I don't know but either way... aside from the talk we had about it... there was no other ruffled feathers... water under the bridge I let it go and he got off scott free so I'm sure he didn't think about it any further either.

    In march we borrowed his parents van and I brought him to meet my parents (not so much because he was my boyfriend but because my Dad and Step mother are REALLY awesome and like to meet anyone important to me) he was a little scared but adjusted quickly when he realized my dad is just a big goofball. On the return from that trip was the most intense sexual experience I've ever had... with him or anyone... ever, before and since.

    If there's one thing he's always liked about me in bed... it's that I can take every bit of him (girls apparently can't) and that I can keep going hour after hour... Just as long as he starts slow and get's me to loosen up a bit (he's thick as my wrist)

    Anyway, after that he had a new roomate move in, someone who had feelings for him. A slightly older boy who had started the transition into becoming a girl but then decided to stay a boy. In the end what you end up with is a boy with A-cups. :p

    Nice enough but always treated me like I was in the way and a threat. My bf had never really liked him that much but they had started as friends and it had been flirty and then he'd tried to back off later...

    They ended up sleeping together. By now we had put up some ground rules.

    1. If you sleep with someone else, use protection (don't bring any thing home)
    2. If you sleep with someone else, don't lie about it and be honest right away (Don't cheat)

    I had suspected something had happened... I asked him directly... and he said no. Later though in what I assume was an attempt to get me very angry the other boy told me everything. Naturally I snapped. Jealousy runs rampant in me... it only seems to get the better of me when I feel wronged though. And man did I feel wronged. and he would NOT talk about it. In fact he locked himself in his room and refused to do anything more than acknowledge that it had happened. That was enough for me and I broke up with him.

    Less than a week later we were back to talking about it. And we reaffirmed the ground rules. He still to this day will not acknowledge everything that happened but at least he admits that something did. It's a sore spot for me... I made it very clear that the rules had to be followed without deviation anymore if I were to be able to trust him. On that promise we got back together.

    Our sex life was never the same after that though.

    In April I met another boy online and we hit it off ok. I was completely open and honest with my first bf about it and he was an active part of it. I didn't want him to be jealous or think that I was hiding anything. He was in fact very supportive. In august me and my now second bf... moved into the house with my first bf... in the other room in the basement. Pretty boy (the boy with boobs) had the third room, though after the whole fiasco between him and my first bf not only did any chance of a relationship fall apart but so did there friendship.

    As far as roomates went we all got along. Pretty boy was always kind of on the outside of the three of us (me and the two guys I was with) but that was by choice... I never really fooled around too much with my second bf... he was younger, rather inexperienced. We played here and there, but between dropping out of school, losing welfare and not being able to hold a job I ended up having to kick him out because I couldn't afford to take care of him and our relationship had degraded to formal greetings between his 12 hour bouts of video games. So by august of this year Second Bf was gone. Leaving it to just first Bf and me (Pretty boy moved out in February of this year after nearly driving himself into a breakdown over how much My Bf did not love him)

    now it's coming up on christmas and it's been just me and my first Bf who's now out of college and doing the contract worker thing. I do deliveries and have kept a steady job (as always) meaning that I am sefl sufficient.
    Our relationship is... emotionally strong. but sex pretty much ended after he slept with pretty boy... I can count the number of times since then on my fingers and never once has he gotten off (or even tried to do anymore than get me off as quick as possible).

    What bugs me most is we used to frequently visit my ex and his roomies (we broke up years ago but still get along really well, also I lived with them as roomies before I moved in with my current) the person who replaced me is a cute little twink boy.

    Maybe an inch taller than me cute little stoner with a ripped body. There's no way for me to compete with that. I'm shoter, chunky and not cute. So I don't compete lol. It does bug me how easily my bf can fool around with him though. In the hot tub, at their place when I'm away for work... etc. but I'll come and he's sick, or tired, or not in the mood. He says he still finds me attractive but I really starting to disbeleive it. At least he was honest about sleeping with stoner boy though.

    He doesn't anymore but I think that's because we don't really go over there anymore. After my second bf moved out in august we had two empty rooms to fill so my ex moved in with one of the roommates, stoner boy and the others stayed behind and have since alienated themselves from us and don't talk to us anymore.

    Two months ago, a girl he met at the party where he slept with another girl, got a hold of him and had a lot of interest in him sexually. He was honest and up front about it. and I had no problem with it. I mean, he hadn't slept with me in two months, but he'd been sick and very busy. So they did... and he got sick down there.

    Well that was an experience. He had been having trouble in the first place with condoms. As I said he was thick and regular condoms would usually squeeze him too tightly, so I went out myself and bought him the Magnums he needed (which are still a little snug for him). I had him try one on before anything happened with her just to make sure they fit without making him go down and they did. (I would've helped him more with that but I'm alergic to latex and the polyurethane condoms are a bit too expensive for me to buying him to fuck someone else when he's not fucking me)

    There was one less afterwards and he says he used protection when he got down to the nitty gritty but not during when she was going down on him. Which I guess I understand... but still... It got me a little worried. all that aside anyway. it's now been nearly 4 months since him and I have had any form of penetrative sex (anal or oral) and even then just fooling around in the same room is almost nil as well.

    Anyway, he's all cleaned up now. But more stressed, busy and sick than ever. Except that he's so sick he doesn't work, he hasn't helped with the house work (except to make a mess) in over 6 months and he jerks off almost 5 times a day. Actually he jerked off 5 times a day even when we fooled around twice a day lol. He tells me that with the way he always feels that his sex drive is completely dead. What he doesn't realize is I clean the towels and empty the laundry baskets so I know that's not true...

    more-------------v
     
  2. PonyBoi

    PonyBoi New Member

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    He spends a good portion of his day, asleep or playing city of heroes (or jerking off or whatever he does in his room there, I don't go in anymore because I don't feel welcome except to sleep or when he asks)

    Now there's this new boy, who he played around with a little bit before meeting me, who's just moved back from the west and is still in love and crushing almost desperetely over him. He knows about me and how long we've been together but still seems to want to be with him. My Bf doesn't seem overly interested in anyone who's desperate but some part of me feels that this boy could probably do a hell of a lot better job making my Bf happy than I apparently am. He's another twinky type, thin but defined, a inch or two taller than me, dark hair, really really attractive. and a sweetheart to boot. once again. I'm too chubby, jaded and old to compete. So I wont...
    At least my Bf wouldn't be depressed or so heavily pressured by my sex drive and physical neediness (though to be fair I'm not clingy and have a lot of respect for his personal space). But somehow that doesn't make ME feel better.
    maybe I just wish that there were guys always knocking at my backdoor or something... I dunno.

    I'm not sure what to do or how to feel or anything anymore.
    I know I'm not happy.
    I also know that save for people I'm not interested in (and that's not being shallow) there isn't going to be anyone to fill that hole if I leave him. Then again I wasn't with anyone for several years before him, AND I wasn't looking when we got together... at the same time it feels wrong to end a relationship over something as silly as sexual frustration.
    I'm just so tired of excuses that are bogus and feeling ugly or useless.
    I know he loves me. he holds me at night and worries about me and wants me to be happy. but he also ignores my needs, my goals (if they aren't in line with his), and doesn't seem to be making attempt at progress to becoming less sick or depressed or sexually dead.

    He says he's sick and tired and depressed. But he isn't doing anything to improve his health or prevent himself from getting and sicker or sick in the first place. He's refusign therapy or even sex therapy...
    I feel trapped by my own morals. It's wrong to end a relationship over sex or just because your partner has hit a rough spot...
    But how long do you hold on... how long do you throw your life away when they might never change or get better.
    What do you do when you lose faith in the future of your relationship?
    and what do you do when you're having so little sex it's affecting your mental condition?
    (That's something my doctor suggested without me even mentioning sex by the way. I went in for anti anxiety medication because I was having trouble taking the bus to work during rush hour and he asked me about my sex life???)


    We've been together for two years... is it wrong to throw that away? either way I feel guilty even thinking it... but what am I clinging to anymore? is it the right thing to do? or am I only hurting myself more? What would I do if I were alone again? I didn't mind it before but could I handle it now? If I did want to hit the scene again, what are the chance I can meet someone as nice, attractive, well hung (not a requirement), and sensitive as my current bf USED to be?

    I'm so lost...
    Is it normal for a guy with larger equipment (my guy is 9.5 long and my wristi n thickness around... though I didn't know that until well after we decided to be bfs and then started having sex) to lose sexual interest in their mate but still want to cling to the emotional bond?
    Is what's happening to me ok, normal, maybe even expected?
    Am I wrong to want sex so much?
    ...
    ...
    What now?
     
    #2 PonyBoi, Nov 18, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2008
  3. killerb

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    I'll reply tomorrow after I read all of that! :smile:
     
  4. Florida Boy

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    Frankly, I've gotten tired of reading this. Get to the point.
     
  5. Nala

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    Why would you feel guilty for thinking about getting out of this relationship? You gave your side of the story, but I can't find anything you should feel guilty about.

    I don't seem to get the point though, you two have a kind of an open relationship according to your post, so why don't you find yourself a nice guy to quench your sexual needs? As long as you use protection and be honest about it you won't violate the rules.
     
  6. PonyBoi

    PonyBoi New Member

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    Sorry.
    I guess I talk to much.
    just uhm let the thread die.
    I didn't mean to be too babbley...
    I'll try to figure out how to take it down...

    I'm sorry.
     
  7. slate_australis

    slate_australis New Member

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    Yeah,

    There was a lot there... but it was all background - and I think important.

    Honestly, I don't get open relationships. I have a friend who's in one... largely because his boyfriend wouldn't NOT be in one.

    His size is totally immaterial - except it may have inflated his ego.

    Personally I think they're frought with land-mines - it is possible to have sex with someone without emotional connection... sometimes, but sometimes it's unavoidable. Now, actually contemplating more than one official partner - on equal standing with the other.... does my head in. I don't think I'm closed-minded... but the idea of a partner of mine being equally involved with someone else... in any fashion kind of defeats the purpose to me. My view is people with uncontrollable sex-drives (mine is pretty high - but it doesn't drive me to the extremes it seems to drive others... what's wrong with wanking?) is you either don't get into a relationship (largely because it's something that eventually will come to a head) or you try to control it.

    Just because you CAN do something... doesn't always mean you should. But of course, I'm speaking from my position - but that wasnt the point anyway.

    If you feel the relationship is irretrieveably broken - then it's better to end it for all concerned, than let it fester. You don't owe him to stay... just as long as he's not oblivious. Equally, he doesn't owe you sex when you want it. So in my mind, you come to a workable compromise... or you end it. Because it sounds increasingly unhealthy.
     
  8. Freddie53

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    You are not old. Far from it. Do you want to live a long and happy life? If you do you will also grow old.

    You are in an open relationship. Most open relationships are fraught with problems. after two years the passion is gone in nearly all relationships. That doesn't mean you cna't have great sex with each other. It means that the sex becomes more of a trying to fulfill and please each other, not have the hots for each other.

    Your lover may not have reached the point where to him the relationship is deep, much like a brother to brother relatoinship. His mindset is to have sex with new people all the time with you being his emotional but not sexual bedrock.

    That is what it sounds like to me. If you can both come to terms that when it comes to real love, you are in it for each other. But both of you what recreational sex outside of the now almost sexless relationship, it just might work. But you and he are BOTH going to have to be complely satisfied with the relationship for it to work.

    I'm no expert, but I would think that these sexual expereinces outsiide of your relationship would be more accepted by both of you if it were a threesome or a twosome with the other one looking on.

    The games you both are playing and the crowd that you both are visiting aouns like a horrible invitation to a major sexual disease that one or both of you might die from.

    I don't think I could make it in the relationship you are in. But if you can make it work for you. Good luck.
     
  9. killerb

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    ok I'm back...
    sounds like open relationships are not for you...if they were, you wouldn't have those feelings of jealousy...and you wouldn't constantly compare yourself to your bf's conquests...

    also, it sounds like the guy you're calling your bf isn't really into you anymore...but don't get angry at him...sometimes feeling change...and we just have to adapt...

    break up with him...remain friends if you can...find someone who you're more compatible with sexually...
     
  10. bottombuddy

    bottombuddy Member

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    sounds a bit long winded and fucked up to me.......you need to sort yourself out.
     
  11. Tristessa

    Tristessa New Member

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    Open relationships only work with absolute honesty, respect for each other and adherance to the "rules" if there are any. He's failed you in all three of those areas. If you were to end the relationship (and feel uncomfortable doing it over lack of sex), these reasons are more than valid.

    By cleaning up after him, buying him condoms, coercing him to take care of himself when he won't do it.. you've become the enabler in a codependent relationship. It doesn't mean you two don't truly care for each other, but at this point I get the feeling that he (in his depressed, emotional state) is mostly taking advantage of you. You already seem to know you need to be out of there for your own health. What are you waiting on?

    I don't know if you've always had low self-esteem, or if it's come with the events of the last couple of years. Either way, 23 is not old. As far as I can tell from your pictures, you aren't chubby, and if you are it's nothing a month or three in the gym couldn't fix. And you are very attractive. Add that to your self-sufficiency and caring nature, and there is absolutely no reason you can't find yourself a fantastic guy that takes care of himself and will respect you and your relationship.

    Yes, it's tough when a partner falls into a rough spot like your boyfriend has. But he's refusing help (both from you and from doctors), so there's not much you can do. I don't advocate abandoning a healthy relationship that has hit hard times, but this relationship is not healthy. I realize that no one here can tell you what to do, but I really wish for your own sake you'd step up for yourself and do what you know you need to do to be happy.
     
  12. Viking_UK

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    It sounds like your bf is wallowing in self-pity just now and taking advantage of your good nature. As Tristessa said, you're not old, chubby or ugly. You've got your life ahead of you and it doesn't sound like your current relationship is very healthy for you, given the fact that you're going to your doc for treatment of anxiety.

    Buying condoms for your bf so he can fuck other people is WAY more understanding than I could be, especially if you two are no longer having sex.

    I'd suggest a break at first to give you a little distance from the situation. Can you get away by yourself for a couple of weeks? It would give you some space to think about what's going on and what you'd like to happen and allow you to work out what's best for you individually, whether that's staying together as a couple, splitting up but remaining friends or going your separate ways. Whatever happens, it sounds like something's going to have to change for the good of your health if nothing else.
     
  13. ohhhey

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    I think Tristessa is spot on. It doesn't really sound like much of a relationship anymore and you deserve better.
     
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