What open marriage taught one man about feminism

[umdoistressilvaquatro]

How is she cheating? I couldn't get through the boring article so I may not have gotten to that part. He seems to have no objections to her dating, looks forward to hearing about her exploits. If they are in agreement, and no one is lying, where is the cheating?

It sounds much more like this whole article is all just a weird ass fetish of his. And to think they have small children living with them...

 

[umdoistressilvaquatro]

Literary license.

You know what to call a low self steem cuck who's submissive to woman? A gay roommate. Yeah... sounds homophobic as shit

 

[AlteredEgo]

I was finally able to get through the whole article without becoming bored or feeling dismissive. I found that while I disagree with his definition of monogamy, marriage, and what he believes is the reason people do or do not divorce, and I definitely draw no parallels between monogamy and oppression (I personally feel quite liberated by monogamy, as well as safe and loved) I definitely saw familiar ideas and themes from my own experiences with open marriage. My marriage opened up so we could learn more about ourselves and each other. What I learned about my husband made me want out. Hopefully what they learn will make them or allow them to continue to choose each other.

 

[693987]

It sounds much more like this whole article is all just a weird ass fetish of his. And to think they have small children living with them...

Years later, after my mother passed away, I found out some intimate details about the sex life my parents had. I had not the faintest inkling of these things at the time. Being kinky or in a relationship style that deviates from the norm doesn't have to have an impact much less a negative one.

 

[BetterFuture]

How is she cheating? I couldn't get through the boring article so I may not have gotten to that part. He seems to have no objections to her dating, looks forward to hearing about her exploits. If they are in agreement, and no one is lying, where is the cheating?

I agree 100% that it's not cheating... it's something they agreed to do. 'Agreed' being the key word. I read the whole article, but it did have a strange tone in the way he seems to be very proud of himself.

 

[TexanStar]

Husbands not "possessing" their wifes (also, explain me what you mean by that) is not equal treatment, opportunity and rights?

possessiveness is synonymous with jealousy. Do you understand it now?

 

[twoton]

'Agreed' being the key word.

I wonder what would've happened if he didn't agree to it.

 

[twoton]

You know what to call a low self steem cuck who's submissive to woman? A gay roommate. Yeah... sounds homophobic as shit

You mean like all those movies and sitcoms where a woman lives with a gay man and she tells him about her dates?

 

[AlteredEgo]

I agree 100% that it's not cheating... it's something they agreed to do. 'Agreed' being the key word. I read the whole article, but it did have a strange tone in the way he seems to be very proud of himself.

It read like watching him masturbate his ego, yeah.

 

[umdoistressilvaquatro]

Years later, after my mother passed away, I found out some intimate details about the sex life my parents had. I had not the faintest inkling of these things at the time. Being kinky or in a relationship style that deviates from the norm doesn't have to have an impact much less a negative one.

The guy hat to call the police to find his wife in the bed of another guy, so yeah, I would say that is a pretty fucked up relationship to groom a child

 

[umdoistressilvaquatro]

You mean like all those movies and sitcoms where a woman lives with a gay man and she tells him about her dates?

In the sense of being a stereotype, yes, but I think those movies did not present the humiliating nature of being the gay roommate that your comment implied.

 

[AlteredEgo]

The guy hat to call the police to find his wife in the bed of another guy, so yeah, I would say that is a pretty fucked up relationship to groom a child

He didn't call the police. He thought about calling the police. The children would never find out. Get real.

 

[twoton]

In the sense of being a stereotype, yes, but I think those movies did not present the humiliating nature of being the gay roommate that your comment implied.

You are inferring what I did not imply.

 

[nailz]

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but to me the entire point of a relationship is the bond and commitment between two people.

Most of these open relationship stories/scenarios just sound like an elaborate justification for cheating.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but to me the entire point of a relationship is the bond and commitment between two people.

Most of these open relationship stories/scenarios just sound like an elaborate justification for cheating.

Maybe your definition of interpersonal commitment isn't the same as some other people's and you haven't considered that.

When my marriage was open, I still had a commitment to my husband. If the outcome had been anything other than a discovery that he was a closet homosexual, I would still be with him. I didn't take care of these other people, I didn't contribute financially to their well-being and futures, I didn't solve problems with them. I slept in my marital bed every night, cared for my husband when he couldn't or wouldn't take care of himself, balanced our books, helped buy a car, nurtured his talents and pushed him forward in his career, inspired him to get a higher education, listened to him, soothed his fears, protected his feelings, and did a good enough job of fulfilling my duties as his wife that his co-workers told him they envied our marriage and wished their wives were more like me.

You of all people should know that sex is often enough just sex. Monogamy is not the only way to demonstrate commitment. You're quick to say or imply that women who won't perform sexual acts you consider vanilla or not kinky are prudes, or not up to some minimal standard of acceptability as a sexual partner, but you need to look in the mirror. Are you old fashioned? Nope. Not loving double penetration as you do. Just closed-minded and judgemental, but don't worry. You're in good company. We're all judgy about something. Try to remember that everyone's boundaries are not in the same place as yours. Try to remember you've not walked in their shoes. Try to remember that consensual non-monogamy is not cheating.

 

[nailz]

I've had 3 and 4-ways, but they were always with my partner and they were always all about sharing the experience with my partner. We always did it together, and neither of us had any interest in doing anything without the other. The other parties were just there basically as sex toys. In fact the only piece of advice I ever give people about 3-ways is to always do everything together as a couple.

Having a 3-way is absolutely not the same as being in an "open marriage". Most people I know looking to have a 3-way are looking for a new sexual experience with their partner. So far every single account of an open marriage I've ever heard/read had nothing to do with "sharing" and was always just some elaborate excuse to fuck people outside of the relationship.

 

[950483]

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but to me the entire point of a relationship is the bond and commitment between two people.

Most of these open relationship stories/scenarios just sound like an elaborate justification for cheating.

Cheating is what it's called when someone is being lied to.

Everyone has surely heard that ridiculous excuse for cheating that goes something like: " men are just not biologically suited to monogamy, blah blah blah." Well is it possible that women aren't either, if monogamy has traditionally had to be enforced with FGM, executions, maiming, torture, and imprisonment?

Infidelity happens. Some people base lifelong careers on it. Infidelity is at least discussed in most relationships at some point. I would actually liken monogamy to chinese footbinding, in that the ideal size of a woman's foot was supposed to be only four inches, these ideals are unrealistic and impossible for everyone to live up to.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I've had 3 and 4-ways, but they were always with my partner and they were always all about sharing the experience with my partner. We always did it together, and neither of us had any interest in doing anything without the other. The other parties were just there basically as sex toys. In fact the only piece of advice I ever give people about 3-ways is to always do everything together as a couple.

Having a 3-way is absolutely not the same as being in an "open marriage". Most people I know looking to have a 3-way are looking for a new sexual experience with their partner. So far every single account of an open marriage I've ever heard/read had nothing to do with "sharing" and was always just some elaborate excuse to fuck people outside of the relationship.

Cheating is any activity not mutually agreed upon as acceptable within the relationship. Any promiscuity that isn't covered up in lies and deceit, that is honest and practiced within mutually chosen parameters is simply non-monogamy. There is a difference. You turn up your nose at the idea of someone in a non-monogamous pair being truly committed to each other. I turn up my nose at the idea of treating sexual partners as objects. Grosses me right the fuck out. Therefore, I would never operate that way, but I'm glad it's an option that works for some people.

When I was the regular third with a couple, they treated me like a human being to whom they were mutually attracted. We had long conversations, went out together, and were friends. I wouldn't have had sex with them otherwise.

When I could no longer tolerate the nature of the sexual aspect of my marriage, and I had exhausted all other ideas for improving that connection, I suggested that we put monogamy aside. I wanted my husband to make up for not having really dated as a young adult so he could learn about himself what I'd learned about myself in my late teens and early 20's. I wanted to be reminded of what I'd forgotten in our basically sexless relationship, and see what else I could discover. For us, it was about going out into the world and seeing what we could bring back from it to benefit our love.

At first I met with individuals. Then, one of those individuals became my primary sexual partner and we would swing together. (Meanwhile, my husband neither took new partners, which I now know was out of fear of exploring same-sex relations and a lack of interest in sex with women, nor did he try to improve sex with me. He continued to lack spontaneity and continued to reject most of my overtures while making none of his own, which is how an extramarital partner became my primary sexual partner, with my husband's consent. The rule was to come home and be clean and in bed before my husband awoke so he'd know I was safe and could snuggle before work. That partner and my husband became friends, and though he and I both tried to set my husband up with suitable partners, all were rejected for flimsy reasons.)

In talking to other swingers, it was usually very much the same story. Whether they played together or apart, they played to have something new to bring back to each other. You do not know what you're talking about because this is just beyond your understanding at this time. Maybe someday through experience or reading I'll understand the appeal in having sex that is purely impersonal and objectifying, and you'll understand how some people can benefit from non-monogamous sex lives while being completely committed to the health and growth of the relationship at home. Or not. Understanding is not required to coexist. However, coexistence does imply a lack of harsh judgement.

 

[BetterFuture]

You (@AlteredEgo, @nailz , and @swoon ) are all making me think more deeply about this... I know that you all don't all agree, but thanks for sharing your perspectives and very personal experiences... it's enlightening me and making me rethink some things. I really do enjoy reading all this.

 

[firsttimecaller]

Maybe someday through experience or reading I'll understand the appeal in having sex that is purely impersonal and objectifying

You've never seen a human being where every physical characteristic was so "perfect" to the point where everything else was of little consequence to your raging libido?