What? Really? Again? :(

[_Jonesy]

Thanks dong, I am going to end it. That is the amazing part, I was exactly how you recommended to start with but when I started to trust her she has become like this. You can see why it is a difficult situation for me?

I'm paranoid because of the past situations and jealous because I want what other people have. And I'm angry because of what people have done to me! I don't need a girl to love me but I want it most of all.

THe worst part is the fact I missed out on the other girl for her. Thanks james as well, means a lot mate. I can move on but it doesn't mean I can trust them easily. Hell, I avoid girls who I know like me nowadays because I'm worried about myself, but since I want them it makes me feel even worse about my own inability in that sense. I don't even talk to friends much anymore because I seem to have kind of forgotten how to as a byproduct.

 

[shard38]

Lots of good advice here. You do need to forgive yourself for what happened to you when you were 16. No one can love you if you don't feel you deserve to be loved.

I've been in your situation before and it didn't change until someone helped me realise I was trying to hard to be perfect and that you get what you give. We're not perfect, we're humand and we all have flaws and issues. So someone who loves you and wants to be with you accepts you wigh your flaws and issues because that's part of who you are. When you reach that level of trust together you can build to the next level.

Take care of yourself!

 

[hrdhatdad]

I think you might receive a lot of benefit from therapy. You sound like a thoughtful, sensitive person that has a difficult time trusting others. You're at an ideal age to work with a professional that can help you change a schema that isn't really working for you.

 

[OhWiseOne]

*Inappropriate content removed by LPSG moderators.

This statement is quite disturbing. Find an outlet before you act on these types of thoughts.
Food for thought: He who cares the least.....think about it.

 

[hijinxy]

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but infidelity in relationships is depressingly common, and even more so for people in their early/mid 20's- I don't mean to sound condescending, but it really is all part of learning how to have an adult relationship, and sadly, heartbreak is something you have to expect at this age

I will say that you seem to be taking this situation to heart and acting somewhat overly emotional- I understand how frustrating and difficult having your trust betrayed can be, but it does seem like you would do well to take a break from dating for awhile to get your own house in order. A lot of people do well by having a few "FWB" relationships simultaneously- so you can have closeness with someone, but without all of the difficulties of a full fledged relationship.

Also, most of us oldtimers will tell you that finding the right therapist is a LOT like finding the right girlfriend- not only do you need to find someone who's professional style suits you (i.e. psychoanalysis vs. cognitive-behavioral) but also someone who's personality fits you. Based on what you've shared, I'd say there is a 99% chance you will benefit a LOT from therapy of some sort. Google recommendations for your area, and maybe even check out group programs of the 12-step variety- there are a lot of meetings for things like depression or anger management which follow the same format of AA- and maybe it would be helpful to talk to guys like yourself who were once impulsive 21 year olds, and made it through to the other side.

Regardless of what you do, please hang in there, step back far enough to put the situation in perspective and PLEASE don't hurt anyone.

 

[sexplease]

First: For a while, put away the ideas you have of other people, which includes girls and dating for a while.
None of these "things" they have done to you. You have allowed this or manifested these circumstances or types of people into your life. We all do this. People do this, often subconsciously, to challenge themselves to grow. Grow beyond the shit that our parents inflict upon us.

We turn ourselves on or off, though other people or places or things may be the catalyst.

Perhaps your sense of importance and worth of others - including girls - needs some observation. Give yourself time to learn. I was burned a few times by the hot flames of relationships and being out of them has immeasurable worth too.
Live out of a relationship

READ. : FACT: ALL successful people have one thing in common - they READ.
Whether you define success as monetary wealth, stage performing, micro-biology or a healthy relationship ... you must read to succeed at it.

Second: Quit smoking pot and other depressants. FACT: You'll never emotionally grow beyond the age you were when you started them.
you're 21, I know you or the targets of your desires smoke pot and drink. You're dealing with part of a person. It's like trying to sail without a rudder.

Third: ask yourself, why is it that -" I want somebody to love me "
That is a need. and that's ok but, Love is NOT just about filling a need. (though it is about having your needs met - unsolicited ) Love includes giving. When you give of yourself, you truly give .... and that will not go unnoticed by those who really love and cherish you. When you have enough to give away, you will know love.

This is part of the time of your life when you learn about your needs, real and perceived, with regards to interpersonal relationships. Trial and error. Don't be quick to judge others, they make mistakes too. We are human after all, and our failings and our differences are two major things that make us strong as a species. If it were not for failures life would be dull. really fuckin dull.

so, what book is on your nightstand? I would like to suggest one

 

[B_theaussieone]

what you need to do is start exploiting your resembelence to edward from twilight. be broody, and fish women in, then act distant, then when they pull away, pull them back.

 

[_Jonesy]

Edward pulled Bella by staring at her and never really saying much. Not sure that would work again

She was a no strings girl but then she fell in love with me and then I did but now she doesn't and all this. She won't even reply to my texts when I am asking her what's going on because she keeps falling asleep. Wish I could.

 

[B_enzia35]

Like stated, acting like 12 year old. Get over it.

 

[B_theaussieone]

Edward pulled Bella by staring at her and never really saying much. Not sure that would work again

She was a no strings girl but then she fell in love with me and then I did but now she doesn't and all this. She won't even reply to my texts when I am asking her what's going on because she keeps falling asleep. Wish I could.

she says she's falling asleep, you need to move on dude. before she starts telling her friends your stalking her then your luck with chicks would get even worse.

romeo from romeo and juliet had the same problem when he was crazy about rosaline, and mercutio told him to find another chick and he found juliet. he died for juliet, rosaline was just a cumbucket that history forgot. think of your gf in that way.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

OP-
knock this shit off.
Stop wallowing in your teenage angst over your precious feelings.

Other people are other people, and if you want to have a relationship with others then you are SIGNING UP for some pain.


Man the fuck up and accept that loving ANYONE always involves some heartbreak.

A warrior knows that battle is not gonna happen without risk, without blood. That doesn't make them turn and run.

To love well, you need a warrior's spirit, the courage to face what might come, every time you engage.



The one thing all your heartbreaks have in common is you.

"hold a woman down"??!!
Stop trying to control the woman in your life, and she may stop needing to prove to herself she isn't controlled.

What is more, try picking a different KIND of woman than you have gone for in the past... MOST people's tragic experiences in love can be traced to a sadly inappropriate attraction to the very kind of person who is WORST for them.

But most importantly... don't let fear rule you.
Stop being jealous, stop worrying over infidelity. Stop being controlling.

If you love openly, trustingly, acceptingly... then you gave it your all... and at that point her failures, if they happen, are her own.

It won't mean it won't hurt... but you will know you did not cause it by being so obsessively fearful of it. And that will make it far easier to move forward, learn, and maybe figure out what kind of woman you ought to be with.

 

[_Jonesy]

I'd have usually pointed out the flaws in your post but you were mostly right. Damn weird way of explaining it with the warrior crap but mostly you're right in the second part.

I can't help falling in love and this place helps me get through it. Not all of us are 'warriors' and I've accepted a long time ago I am not strong enough to get through this shit alone.

 

[spoon]

the last person i was with didn't treat me well. it took me awhile to get over it. and, i'm old enough to be your mother. it does happen--we allow ourselves to open up, and, we find that we've opened ourselves to someone who treated us like crap.

i do go to a therapist, and, glad i do. stepped back and thought about the person, and, realized that i didn't pay attention to the warning signs that this person could be a motherfucker. i wanted to be in a relationship so much i didn't listen to my gut feelings. i'm feeling stronger, and, myself again. and, hopefully--"the next time" i'll have learned.

you've got all sorts of feelings jumbled up. seeing and talking to a "professional" is a good thing. talk to people, get out with your friends, and go out and do things you think are fun.

 

[Countryguy63]

Hey Jonesy,

You don't have to go through this alone. There will always be those that sincerely want to help you get through this. We may not coddle you, and sometimes it may seem a bit harsh, but really, we just want the best for you.

From everything you have said, you HAVE TO let her go and move on. Right now, texting her late into the night asking what went wrong is not going to be productive. Emotions on both sides are too fresh and strong right now. But, looking from the outside, there is no way to work this out, and that's the only reason to try and talk about it right now. Later, IF you can re-establish a friendship (rare, but not impossible), then you may be able to talk about it.

Telling you to move on, is not saying that you did not have deep feelings for her, or that it's going to be easy. It never is :frown1: But the faster you can, the sooner you'll be able to get back on track.

Each relationship that doesn't work, is just one step closer to the one that will. :biggrin1:

 

[_Jonesy]

Just finished up telling her it's over, with a little piece of my mind mixed in for good measure.

I offered her more than se realises right now. When I met her she had no self confidence and I helped her get through that. I helped her realise she could be intelligent and her grades have improved consistently, and she now knows she is an attractive girl. She is sick of me now though, because she wants to be simple so in theory you could say I was the architect behind my own downfall this time.

Truthfully I don't care if she finds somebody else because of how she has been with me and who she is as a person. We never actually were going out, it was no-strings at first. This just got carried away. I'll just miss talking to her.

 

[sexplease]

ok, try reading some:

The Prophet

 

[Countryguy63]

That's good. :fing02:

Like I said, if you miss talking to her as friend/person, give it some time. It can happen.

My last gf and I broke up under some very emotional circumstances about 3-4 yrs ago. I too missed talking with her as we were very good friends even before we started going out. She married and I am in a very long term (forever :wink relationship

About a year ago, she contacted me, apologized for what happened, and we have become best of friends once again.

 

[EmJay]

Your 'picker' is off. I have a feeling that you really need to try to date women a bit older than you are for a while. It will help you calm down a bit and see some perspective.. Women your age are all over the place these days especially when they look great.

 

[_Jonesy]

Your 'picker' is off. I have a feeling that you really need to try to date women a bit older than you are for a while. It will help you calm down a bit and see some perspective.. Women your age are all over the place these days especially when they look great.

I agree completely! But I don't know how I'd meet one, plus I have a bit of a baby face so it's difficult for them to be serious.

But yes, I cannot stand girls my age or younger. They do my head in. Whats wrong with just being happy?

 

[EmJay]

Once you get around 26/27 it will be easier. There are so many ways to meet 'older women' that will be drawn to you. She doesnt have to be 15 years older you know..but it could help. Look here or datingsites..It will work..but you have to focus and not keep getting sucked in. Try something new for a change. I am not saying its the answer, but some new experiences might give you some perspective and growth..

Once you open up to older women..you will notice them more clearly...as before you might not have even observed them the way you did girls your own age..

Go to cougarsites if you have to..LOL..its all about experimenting. Just be sincere about what you are looking for.