I am not talking about the state of her intellectual capacity. I am talking about a belief she claims to have about herself.
Her question might be manipulative and disingenuous, but equally, or even more likely, might be nothing of the kind.
People are very insecure, and they do need reassurances of various kinds.
If that were the case, her response would not have been anger, but sadness, tears, or questions as to why he thought so...
She did not ask him if he thought she was stupid... she made a statement.
How many statements have you made that, when people agree with you, you react to with anger?
Consider what kind of thing must be in your mind to make a statement that others must disagree with , or you will be mad?
She knew exactly what she was doing and what she wanted... she could have
asked for reinforcement, support, sympathy... or any other direct and honest communication.
She chose as she chose and she got angry that it didn't play in reality as she expected.
It might be 'skillful means' to avoid telling her that, ol' Buddhist Phil....Do you really like to cause people pain? Do you not see how doing so causes you pain?
ah... but I am not a buddhist. And I don't think emotional pain is all that bad if it enriches you in some way.
I would not have missed having my heart broken.
And my public humiliation of getting caught at having cheated on an elementary school test made me a better person.
In this case... playing along with her expectations of others is allowing her to continue her attachment to her own expectations of others. It is encouraging her that her expectations are valid, and righteous.
Sooner or later she will have to realize that other human beings are not her personal barbie collection.
If the OP did not feel like being played like a pipe organ, he has the honorable opportunity to illuminate that fact for her.
He cares about her, he loves her, and he was honest....
If she cared about anything other than herself, that is what should matter...
The transaction is not that simple, and you know that. Or at least I hope you do.
Yes it is that simple, Senor... explain to me what other possible factor plays into it other than expectation?
Living in the covenant of expectation is to live in suffering, and to be a creator of suffering for others.
Spiritual practice in a social setting is not about making it easy for others to continue as they are... its about opening their eyes.
Rinzai!!
Please, tell me what the difference is?
Getting mad over what you said means that she disagrees with your perspective..
Getting mad because you didn't say what she wanted you to say means she disagrees that you should even have a perspective. That the only correct perspective is Hers... ( and, in this case, she is even misrepresenting her true perspective... as a trap. )
The former at least involves you.
The latter is all about her.
Knowing how to deal with this 'emotional blackmail' (O! what an overwrought young fellow you are) is merely a sign that you have graduated from emotional kindergarten, Phil.
Please.
What you suggest is that the solution to emotional blackmail is play along?
I am suggesting that the solution is to refuse to play along.
You pay the ransom, they ask for more ransom.
You refuse to pay the ransom... the manipulation ends right there.
I am not saying you have to be particularly harsh... I am saying that you have to frustrate their expectations of you, when those expectations do not align with your actual feelings or thoughts.
I am saying that you have to be yourself...
Raising good children is easy. You do not lie to them... you do not demand of them anything you are not will to live up to yourself... but the most important part of raising children is to realize that ALL children are little manipulation engines...
All they do is try to figure out strategies for getting what they want.
And the only real power any parent has is that for their first 8 or 10 years, you get to choose which of the strategies they come up with you are going to allow to be successful.
Pitching a fit? nope... you frustrate that strategy and they will try another.
You KEEP frustrating their strategies until they come up with one that is ethical and honest.
I HAVE graduated from emotional kindergarten, Senor... that is why when I am faced with childish emotional behavior... I refuse to be controlled and assess the situation as an adult.
Adults do not throw a hissy fit for not getting their way.
I don't cotton to it, I don't stroke their little egos... I send them for a time out, like the willful little children they are.
Its simply an exercise in Right Action.
An exercise in parenting.
Well, you're certainly no mind reader ... and you seem to divine what her wishes were. Or you say you do. Pretend you do.
(But I think you do, Phil.)
Something does come from being 50.
When I was young I had no idea of any of this... It took a lot of living, learning, and observing... and some pretty dramatic relationships...
but people are like performance artworks..
If you want to understand the mind of the performer... look at the choices they make.