I came out of the closet later in life than most, in my early thirties. I made the decision that I didn't want to be single my whole life and wanted a companion to spend my life with. I was quite scared coming out of the closet, especially at that age, but it wasn't as painful as I imagined. I had great family and friends. For some it wasn't a surprise at all, others it was. I didn't face as many hardships as I imagined.
Anyways, I had a crush on a certain guy for many years before coming out (we will call him my crush for the purposes of this post), and we have been great friends. He is single and has been dating but hasn't had much luck. I think I meet most of his 'criteria' except the physical looks in a partner he desires. I know looks aren't everything, and I admit I don't have them as I could definitely shed [quite] a few pounds, but let's be honest, good looks do count for something. I braved up the courage and asked him out and I am sure he was flattered, but he said he wasn't interested in me in that way and wanted to only remain friends. I accepted that and we still are great friends to this day.
That was about 2 years ago.
I did, of course, went and got my feet wet after coming out, and I met up with someone (on grindr no less) for a lunch to get to know him after some online chatting. We hit it off well and continued with other dates, and after a few months became sexual involved (him being my first and only), and to this day we are still together as he is my first boyfriend and things are going pretty steady. Like all relationships we have our ups and downs but we certainly care for each other and both of us can see us remaining together for the rest of our lives. I do worry that sometimes my limited sexual experience disappoints him in the bedroom but I know that I have a great personality to offer, good finances, and a genuine desire to have a great relationship. We have shared dreams together about buying a house, getting a dog, and traveling the world. We have travelled together out of the country, both just the two of us, and one time with our extended families from both sides.
But there is something that nags me. I am still attracted to the possibility of my first crush. Not just in appearance, lol, but in how we share so many interests together and know so much about each other. In some ways, he and I are a lot more alike than my boyfriend and I are.
I tend to overthink things from time to time and wonder that maybe he didn't want to go out with me as my whole coming out and then asking him out was kinda fast and sudden for him. Perhaps he wanted to see what kind of a person I would become once I started dating. I'd like to think that my relationship with my boyfriend is something anyone wanting a relationship would be envious of, in a good way, in that we have great respect and fun together and our friends and family are happy for us and we hang out with them and are enjoying life to the fullest. My analytical brain is happy with it.
I guess my question is, I feel my brain wants what is reality and realistic, that my boyfriend and I are a great couple and we can live happy lives together, and we can continue down the current path and only grow in our relationship. But I would be lying if I didn't say that my heart skips a beat when I am hanging out with my crush friend, even after all these years, and every once in awhile I get my hopes up that he secretly would want to be with me afterall. Of course, the thing I like about my crush is that he would never want to be the guy to breakup my boyfriend and I - that is a testament to his great character. But if my heart is being honest, even after being in a relationship with my current boyfriend for two years, and yes I love my boyfriend, if I had the chance to be with my crush, it [my heart] would want to be with my crush. Who knows if my crush and I would really work out, but I guess the issue is that my heart always wonders that and no matter how hard my brain tries, this always lingers inside of me.
This certainly puts an internal strain on myself and my relationship with my boyfriend. I am looking for thoughts on relationships on how to approach this. This is my first relationship after all, but I have invested 2 years in it already and certainly love where it stands. I don't want my feelings about my crush to impact my great relationship but at the same time I can't stop thinking 'what if' and that really isn't fair to me or my boyfriend, and there is always that thought that maybe I have settled for the first thing without testing the waters. Maybe it was my desire to just be in 'a' relationship that I made myself 'settle' for the first thing that works. And I know this may sound crazy, but I put a lot on myself in the sense that I would, right or wrong, I would view it as a personal failure if my boyfriend and I broke up, even if on good terms. I know people breakup all the times, but I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to make things work.
At the end of the day I understand that I can't make someone like me "that way", and I consider myself very lucky and fortunate that I have someone in my life that does think of me "that way". But I feel there is an ongoing 'what the brain wants' vs 'what my heart wants' mentality going on inside of me and to this day I still struggle with that.
Ok, sorry for the long post and rant, who wants to be the first online anonymous person to tell me how crazy I am or offer me some advice or thoughts?
Anyways, I had a crush on a certain guy for many years before coming out (we will call him my crush for the purposes of this post), and we have been great friends. He is single and has been dating but hasn't had much luck. I think I meet most of his 'criteria' except the physical looks in a partner he desires. I know looks aren't everything, and I admit I don't have them as I could definitely shed [quite] a few pounds, but let's be honest, good looks do count for something. I braved up the courage and asked him out and I am sure he was flattered, but he said he wasn't interested in me in that way and wanted to only remain friends. I accepted that and we still are great friends to this day.
That was about 2 years ago.
I did, of course, went and got my feet wet after coming out, and I met up with someone (on grindr no less) for a lunch to get to know him after some online chatting. We hit it off well and continued with other dates, and after a few months became sexual involved (him being my first and only), and to this day we are still together as he is my first boyfriend and things are going pretty steady. Like all relationships we have our ups and downs but we certainly care for each other and both of us can see us remaining together for the rest of our lives. I do worry that sometimes my limited sexual experience disappoints him in the bedroom but I know that I have a great personality to offer, good finances, and a genuine desire to have a great relationship. We have shared dreams together about buying a house, getting a dog, and traveling the world. We have travelled together out of the country, both just the two of us, and one time with our extended families from both sides.
But there is something that nags me. I am still attracted to the possibility of my first crush. Not just in appearance, lol, but in how we share so many interests together and know so much about each other. In some ways, he and I are a lot more alike than my boyfriend and I are.
I tend to overthink things from time to time and wonder that maybe he didn't want to go out with me as my whole coming out and then asking him out was kinda fast and sudden for him. Perhaps he wanted to see what kind of a person I would become once I started dating. I'd like to think that my relationship with my boyfriend is something anyone wanting a relationship would be envious of, in a good way, in that we have great respect and fun together and our friends and family are happy for us and we hang out with them and are enjoying life to the fullest. My analytical brain is happy with it.
I guess my question is, I feel my brain wants what is reality and realistic, that my boyfriend and I are a great couple and we can live happy lives together, and we can continue down the current path and only grow in our relationship. But I would be lying if I didn't say that my heart skips a beat when I am hanging out with my crush friend, even after all these years, and every once in awhile I get my hopes up that he secretly would want to be with me afterall. Of course, the thing I like about my crush is that he would never want to be the guy to breakup my boyfriend and I - that is a testament to his great character. But if my heart is being honest, even after being in a relationship with my current boyfriend for two years, and yes I love my boyfriend, if I had the chance to be with my crush, it [my heart] would want to be with my crush. Who knows if my crush and I would really work out, but I guess the issue is that my heart always wonders that and no matter how hard my brain tries, this always lingers inside of me.
This certainly puts an internal strain on myself and my relationship with my boyfriend. I am looking for thoughts on relationships on how to approach this. This is my first relationship after all, but I have invested 2 years in it already and certainly love where it stands. I don't want my feelings about my crush to impact my great relationship but at the same time I can't stop thinking 'what if' and that really isn't fair to me or my boyfriend, and there is always that thought that maybe I have settled for the first thing without testing the waters. Maybe it was my desire to just be in 'a' relationship that I made myself 'settle' for the first thing that works. And I know this may sound crazy, but I put a lot on myself in the sense that I would, right or wrong, I would view it as a personal failure if my boyfriend and I broke up, even if on good terms. I know people breakup all the times, but I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to make things work.
At the end of the day I understand that I can't make someone like me "that way", and I consider myself very lucky and fortunate that I have someone in my life that does think of me "that way". But I feel there is an ongoing 'what the brain wants' vs 'what my heart wants' mentality going on inside of me and to this day I still struggle with that.
Ok, sorry for the long post and rant, who wants to be the first online anonymous person to tell me how crazy I am or offer me some advice or thoughts?