What To Do…

[canadian_guy486]

I’ve put myself in a dilemma and I’m looking for some advice/suggestions/anything. Sorry if this is lengthy and you get bored. Just not sure how to deal with this.

A brief background: I’m in my late 30s and I was in the closet for the majority of my life. I had my first sexual experience at 31 with someone I met long distance. He was the only man I’d ever been with and only person I’d ever had any sexual experience with. He ended things with me a couple years ago and that’s when I decided to start coming out and meeting people locally. I met one guy a few days later on tinder and we hit it off. On the third date we ended up having sex, and immediately the day after he basically wanted nothing to do with me. I was already in a pretty vulnerable place, and him doing that made me feel worse. What made matters worse was in typical gay fashion, I was really falling for him. We had only been talking for a few weeks but I was basically ready to bring him to christmas dinner with the fam lol. He was everything I wanted in a guy. Fast forward three weeks later and he re-emerges and wants to see me again. Being so inexperienced, I didn’t pick up on red flags most people would have noticed. But I was so smitten with him I didn’t care. We had sex again, and once again immediately after he wants nothing to do with me. So in a nutshell he played me. Twice. But my feelings just never went away. I decided to give up on him and ended up meeting someone new. Things moved fast with this new guy and after a month we made it official and became exclusive. But my feelings for the other guy never went away. I’ve been with my bf for almost 3 years now in a totally monogamous relationship, and I love him dearly, but those feelings were always in the back of my mind. The other guy tried a couple times to get in contact with me early on, but I always ignored because I was with someone new and was already committed. Over time I eventually stopped thinking about him, but once in a while I would think about us being together when I would jerk off, and fantasize about being with him again.

A week ago I woke up one morning and saw a friend request from him on Facebook. It’s been radio silence from him in almost 3 years and suddenly this happens. So he’s obviously thinking about me. And as immature as this sounds, that one tiny notification caused all these feelings to come flooding back. I keep trying to remind myself what this guy did to me, and that I am in a loving committed relationship now. But he has been on my mind non stop ever since. My bf knows who he is (small town problems) and is aware we were together before I was with him. I deleted this guy off all my social media to make my bf feel better about it all, but if it were up to me I never would have cut him out. But I knew I had to. Then just the other day I was at the gas station, and I saw him there, in person for the first time in almost 3 years, pumping gas. He didn’t see me. But now those feelings are even stronger.

I don’t want to break up with my bf because he is so wonderful to me, and I have it pretty good with him. And I thought I had moved on. But those feelings just came roaring back. I can’t tell my bf any of this because he will be devastated. I’m trying to push these feelings aside and forget about him but it’s been tough. My bf and I have had our struggles for various issues I won’t get into. And sometimes I wonder if I jumped into a serious relationship too quickly. I just know that I won’t find anyone like him again and need to hold on to what I have.

Anyway, I guess what I’m asking is how do I stop thinking about this guy? How can I think about having a life and future with my current bf when a piece of my heart is still attached to someone else? Please feel free to provide any input. Good bad and ugly. I don’t have any gay friends that I can talk to about this. And my straight friends just wouldn’t understand. So here I am lol. Thanks in advance.

 

[RainbowStrength]

I don't think a piece of your heart is truly attached to him. You said that there are few gay people where you are, which makes the gay people you do have access to and know all the more meaningful. Coming from a small town, I know how isolating it can feel when you have all of about two or three gay men near you, unless you want to commit to long distance.

I don't think that your relationship with him was what you're interpreting it as. You had just tried out a long distance relationship and then were given the chance at something closer, which you understandably took. It's liberating in the world of small towns to have that opportunity because of how few gay people there are. To you, he was a source of freedom that allowed you to finally explore your identity to your fullest extent.

As for his Facebook request, if you struggle with making gay friends where you are, then he probably does as well, since you live in the same town. My guess is that he wasn't trying to reach out to reignite an old flame but just to have community.

That, however, does not change the fact that you see him as something more, which is a struggle. Couples therapy might create more problems than it fixes in this situation, but individual therapy might do you well to work through your feelings for your partner and your ex and to really figure out where the hangup is. As a stranger on the internet, I can only give my best interpretation of the situation.

 

[Brodie888]

The guy you have a crush on isn't a relationship kind of guy. He has probably always has a few guys he rotates through each week. So the times you don't hear from him, he is fucking someone else. You don't hear from him because he's got someone better hooked up.

When he does get around to contacting you, it's because he doesn't have anyone else better. So if he's taking weeks or months to get back to you, that should tell you that you are pretty low on his repeat play list.

With only such a short encounter with this guy, it's not love, it's fantasy. You've edited your memories and built up this unlikely scenario that is far from what will happen.

Most likely it will go like this: You will friend him on Facebook, have a few flirty messages back and forth. You start hiding your screen from your boyfriend and weird him out. You will start fantasizing more and masturbating harder about this guy

You'll agree to meet the other guy for coffee because heck, it's just coffee. After coffee, the guy will say his place is just around the corner and you will end up fucking him.

The next day, he ghosts you again (surprise, surprise) but now you have to live with the knowledge that you cheated on your boyfriend. You will worry you will get found out and have to spend the rest of your relationship carrying the memory of your infidelity.

Then again, you might do the honourable thing and break up with your bf first. In which case you have thrown everything away for some Aesop's Fable about a frog and a scorpion (look it up).

There's a saying "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". If you want to find out what happens after a third time..... you seriously need to get your head read.

 

[SgtGirth]

So it seems to me there are a couple of alternatives here:

The first answer, and it's a good one, is the one given above. Don't give in to temptation. Don't accept the friend request. Avoid him as best you can and carry on with the partner you know will be there for you. But that doesn't actually do much to cure the infatuation you're feeling. This other guy occupies a piece of your heart (even if you don't occupy a piece of his) and you're going to feel drawn to him as a result. And since you can't have your cake and eat it too, you end up where you are, on the horns of a dilemma.

So allow me to propose something different: you go to your partner first and lay your cards on the table (all while reassuring him that he's the one you want to be with) and enlist his help in dealing with this problem. If he's the man you think he is, then he will see it for what it is: you being open and honest with him about what's going on and tackling this threat to the relationship as a team. It hopefully will build trust between you and will strengthen the relationship.

My guess is that you're holding an idealized version of this other dude in your head, and that's what you're pining for. So perhaps the way to dispel that fantasy version would be to see him for who he actually is, warts and all. So perhaps you admit him into your social circle just a little bit, and always with your partner present to keep everything above board (if you're worried about making any slips, I'd also suggest avoiding alcohol around him as that would lower your inhibitions; you want your inhibitions good and high around him). Get a chance to observe him. See how he acts. Find out who he really is. My guess is that as you get to know him better, your desire for him will diminish as you begin to really see for yourself that he's not the man for you.

 

[Brodie888]

I personally wouldn't recommend involving your current partner in this. It's a thought that you can't take back. It's doubt that doesn't need to be created.

There's enough that tests a relationship without adding something that's just a bad idea in the first place.

 

[SgtGirth]

I agree that that’s a judgment call based on what you know of your partner and the kind of man he is. I will say that I have had partners in the past who would want to know what’s going on and to talk it out. But I’ve also had partners who probably would prefer to be left in the dark and have me deal with the situation by myself.

Myself; I’ve learned through painful experience that if I am to err, I should err on the side of complete disclosure and honesty. Secrets, especially those kept from our loved ones, can themselves be problematic.

But it’s a judgment call.

 

[cnkckfil]

Hi Canadian guy,

Someone once told me to do this in almost all dilemmas and the right path would easily show itself. Remove all emotions, easier said then done right! Seriously though if there were no emotions involved and you had to make a pro and con list comparing the two guys you should find your answer.

I think it will all boil down to this what do you want

 

[cnkckfil]

Hi Canadian guy,

Forgive the post above, this is all I wanted to say.


Someone once told me to do this in almost all dilemmas and the right path would easily show itself. Remove all emotions, easier said then done right! Seriously though if there were no emotions involved and you had to make a pro and con list comparing the two guys you should find your answer... It's never that easy though.

It will all boil down to this what do you want???

Do you want to have another casual fling with a man that does not reciprocate your feelings? He obviously isn't thinking about you until he wants to be intimate again. Let's say this happens, could you wait another 3 years until you hear from him again?

Do you want the guy who has been there all 3 years and put in the time and effort it takes to develop and blossom a relationship? How will you feel when you see your boyfriend with his new partner who took your place because you step out on him? That is a very real possibility if you hook up with the casual fling guy, do you want and are you prepared for that?

In my my opinion you need to drop the casually fling guy hard! Yes you have intense feelings, so what it doesn't mean you have to act upon them unless you think that is all you deserve is a man that is only going to use you for sexually purposes and couldn't care less about how you feel. Take those intense feelings you are having and project them upon your boyfriend. Go buy him flowers, cook a nice meal for him, kiss him more. Don't take the good man and relationship you have for granted all for some casual fling that will not sustain you