What to do now?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by DarkAuron, May 7, 2007.

  1. DarkAuron

    DarkAuron New Member

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    Theres a rather long story and background involving my best friend and I; overall, he's straight and I'm hopelessly in love with him (with his full knowledge of all of this, of course), so I'm trying to find ways to get past my feelings and move on to find someone else. Except, where I live theres no gay communities that I can find, and a lot of people are homophobic so no one is 'out' unless they're the flaming feminine type, and I'm only into the ordinary 'straight-acting' guys.

    Not sure if I should try an online dating site as that kind of stuff can be fishy. I'm about to graduate highschool in a few weeks, so maybe things will turn out for the better in college, but I really don't know how I'm going to find someone. Oh, and if you want to hear the background story between my friend and I, I'd be happy to share it, but I'm not going to post unless someone wants me to. No need to waste 2 hours typing up that story for nothing :smile:
     
  2. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Tell the story hun, it will help you feel better about it. Make sure you type it somewhere else first.. you might loose it if it will take two hours.

    As for the situation you are in right now, (and I apologize, I'm not a male) but even though you don't want to hear it, but everything gets better after high school. Give it time.
     
  3. MattBoyMA

    MattBoyMA Member

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    Well, I AM a guy, and I'd love to hear the backstory, too.

    But yeah, you might try some of the online "dating" sites. Just be really upfront, and be careful to chat a lot with people first, so you can judge that they're real, and not just looking for a quick hookup or something. I'm still not 100% "out" to everyone as a bi guy, but back a few years ago, when I was discovering I wasn't completely straight, being able to make gay friends online helped me a LOT. So many of them are still my great, great friends. There's a lot of shallow, miserable, mean people out there, but there's an entire online community full of wonderful, kind, good-hearted people who'd love to help you and befriend you. And many of them DO live near you. (You just don't realize it. :) )
     
  4. Mr Ed in Mass

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    I found a couple of great guys on alt.com.
     
  5. DarkAuron

    DarkAuron New Member

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    Well I've told the story before on two different boards, but I like to give it a fresh retype when I tell the story. Guess I'll type it out then :) Okay, here goes. (and this is going to be a bit dramatic in the highschool sense, but I guess you guys and gals can understand)

    Oh, and prepare for a VERY long post.

    In the beginning of our friendship, in 8th grade (4 years ago) is when I met him. We became friends via videogames, talking about them during our history class, but we never went to each others' houses. During that year he pressured me into going to church and said I would go to hell if I wouldn't, and he HARASSED me about it. I refused, and after dealing with his crap for so long, I started ignoring him for about 2-3 months. That period of silence hit him pretty hard, and he accepted my views and stopped bothering me, then sincerely apologized for what he did. I forgave him.

    Freshman year of highschool started, and he apologized to me again. We didn't have a class together but we did whatever we could to talk to each other between classes. Again, we had not yet visited each others' house or interacted at all outside of school. My freshman year was pretty boring, bland, but better than the depressing years that I had in junior high (which is another little story I might mention).


    Then came sophomore year. By this time, I was coming to terms with my sexuality that I had kept with me for as long as I can remember: that I'm not straight, I'm gay. I chose to identify myself as bi as I was trying to convince myself that I still liked girls. I came out to a friend I made the first semester of my sophomore year, then I came out to her boyfriend (who is now a really good friend of mine), and the third person I came out to was the person that is now and still my best friend.

    Well, when I came out to him, we were walking to my house (as we were regularly going to each others' houses several times a week) and I had told him at school that I needed to tell him something important. Well, he's an impatient bastard and begged me the whole way on what I wanted to tell him. About halfway to my house on a 2 mile walk home on a path where no one else was around, I finally said it: "I'm not straight." He stopped dead in his tracks, gave me a horrified look and immediately asked "Why?!?". Then I responded with "But I'm not gay, I'm bi." He got a puzzled look on his face, then asked "Why?" again. I told him that's who I was, and he asked yet again. Well.. after lots of bickering, him trying to tell me it was a choice, and him giving poor examples of this and that, he finally said he was okay with it so long as I didn't hit on him; he said he'd kill me if I ever did. When he said that we reached my street. Then as we were walking to my house on my street, he said he wouldn't tell his parents as they wouldn't let me be a friend to him. Conversatives...

    So that was that, for quite some time. I think I came out to him around october or november of 2004. Over the next few months we spent a lot of time together.. in fact, we spent so much time together that, as I later found out, some of my old friends and acquaintances thought we were a couple. Even some girls in our english class joked about it, and we shrugged it off. He made jokes about my sexuality, nothing too harsh, some actually funny jokes, and we went on with our friendship. But, by the time spring came, I started to develop feelings for him. I had a crush on him.

    Around this time I was writing my thoughts in a journal, and I let him read it all the time so he could know what was going on with my life. Best friends right there. However, when I wrote about my feelings for him, I stopped letting him read it, and he got upset. After him constantly desiring to know what's going on with me, I finally let him read it. Was he disturbed? Not too badly, but he informed me that he's not interested in me at all and that I should give up on my feelings.

    So that was that for a few months. However.. just before we finished the school year, on a lovely Friday in May at his house (in fact just about this time of the month, actually) he wanted to show me a CSI game he got. Though.. his computer is ancient and can barely run anything, especially on Windows XP (if this means anything to anyone, he's got a 133mhz CPU and 96mb of RAM). So.. the load times on the game were insanely long. During the loading screens, he did the gayest things I had ever seen anyone do. We were alone in the room, in fact in the house actually, and he stared into my eyes and said "Michael.. I love you." Then he laughed. Again, he said "Michael.. I love you." but then added, "and I can't live without you." Then he laughed again. So we played the game a bit more, after I tried to ignore his flirtatious actions. Another loading screen. This time he was saying if I laid on his bed he'd pleasure me. Again, more strange laughing and staring into my eyes. I figured he was just messing with my mentality. Well.. then he got in the chair in front of me (I was sitting on the floor on the other side of a chair from him) and he started hopping up and down, chanting "I want to hump your face!" over and over again. And finally the last thing he did before we stopped attempting to play the CSI game, he said he had something to show me, unzipped his shorts, laughed, then zipped them back up.

    Alright, hold on here. I thought he was straight, right? Anyone in their right mind would assume he's gay from what he did that Friday. Well, I wrote that in my journal, and was thoroughly convinced he was gay. I also let him read it. That pissed him off, and things were a bit uneasy between us for a few weeks, but we were okay and went to Six Flags in the summer. Although, we shared food, rode slow rides together almost like a couple, and.. I don't know, it felt like we were a couple. So I wrote him a letter about that and left it in his room the last time I visited his house.

    He didn't speak to me for over a month because he was so angry at me.

    We talked it over, he convinced me he was straight, and with his new driver's license and truck, we started our Junior year in highschool with him driving me home every single day. Within a few weeks of the school year starting, he was acting suicidal and told me he had put a knife to his throat and didn't know why he didn't slit his throat. I was going to tell his parents or our school counselor about it, but then I was afraid he'd get worse if I did. He was suicidal over the fact that his grades in school were horrid, that he hadn't had a girlfriend yet, and something else (can't remember). Anyhow, eventually he got over it, but when I tried to comfort him and calm him down he told me not to worry about him at all, and kept rejecting my attention. That hurt.

    Time went on, and his mentality stabilized. My birthday came on september 27th, and unfortunately that tuesday was the first day he had band sectionals for the year, so I got to walk 2 miles home by myself in the heat on my birthday. I was depressed because the one thing I wanted to do was spend time with my best friend, and I couldn't. So that hurt more.

    I'm not entirely sure when, but around august or september, maybe even october I came to realize that I was gay, and that I was actually in love with him. Telling him that I was gay freaked him out and made him angry because he felt that he lied to me, but then he realized he was overreacting and stopped caring. But.. when I told him I was in love with him, I told him over the phone and had to slam my fist on my desk when I said it because my lungs basically shut and I couldn't talk.

    Once I said he, he responded with ".....................wow.... wow.... wow... wow.... okay.. wow... I don't think we hang out anymore." Within the next minute the phone conversation ended. A week later our friendship was.. 'okay'.. but he was still a bit freaked out from my confession. A week after that, on the weekend, my parents' dogs had created chaos in the backyard, and I was afraid of how my step-dad would respond. (Note: my step-dad has one of the shortest tempers in the world, and has a physically destructive response to a lot of things. As an example, theres various holes in the walls of my house. I've lived a.. well, stressful life).

    I asked him if I could come over, but he said I couldn't because he was busy doing homework and housework, then he told me to go to our other friend's house, but I had JUST come out to that guy, and I was weirded out with him knowing. I said no, and didn't explain why. Well, my best friend got angry and me and demanded that I tell him why I didn't want to go over there to our friend's house, and said if I didn't tell him he wouldn't drive me home anymore. Ouch. Ouch. Dramatic much? That pissed me off, and I hung up on him with a pissed off remark relating to blackmail. He immediately called back saying he was sorry, but I hung up on him.

    He then started calling my parents' cellphone.. continuously. I think he called 15 times. I kept telling him to stop calling, and he wouldn't. My mom got pissed off and told him that I didn't want to talk to him. So he stopped. A few days later I called his house and his dad picked up. I more or less told his dad that he had lost his best friend because he's selfish, then hung up. Within 10 seconds I got a phone call back, twice. The first time I hung up on him with anger, the second he screamed and told me to NOT hang up.

    2 hours later after lots of talking, deep connections with each other, fixing of misunderstandings, and a bit of crying on both ends, we made up and everything was fine.
     
  6. DarkAuron

    DarkAuron New Member

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    ---Continued, since my message is 24,000 characters long and the post limit is 10,000 (gasp!)---

    However, over a period of time, he kept telling me that he loved me on random occassions, like over the phone when I asked why he wanted me to tell him something, and I wouldn't, he'd say "because I love you!" in a cheesy voice. Then when I questioned why he was saying that he loves me, he said "in a brotherly way" as a chopped up excuse.

    Well, eventually I gave him the word that I thought he was gay.. again. Unfortunately this time there wasn't just a simple bit of silence or awkwardness between us. There was total violence, yelling, lots of anger, and seperation between us entirely. Even after we settled a bit, I fell into a depression of regret for accussing him of being gay, and felt like everything we had been through was my fault. He even blamed me for it.

    Later I found out his mother was making him go to counseling for problems he was having. I asked if he had anything to do with me, and he said it didn't, just school. A few days later he confessed that his mother was trying to force him to talk about the fact I was in love with him. Wait, what? A year ago he said, the day that I came out to him that he wouldn't tell his parents. He lied. In fact, he told his mother the day I came out to him. So basically, the entire time I knew his mother, she knew I wasn't straight. That infuriated me and I rebelled against him completely. I told him, via notes, that I had to do everything I could to restrain myself from going ballistic and flat out assaulting him at school.

    Thus began the absolute downfall of our friendship of that period. I found out he lied about not telling his parents, he also lied when he told me he didn't know why his parents thought I was 'weird'. He knew: they thought I was weird because I was gay. And once they found out I was in love with him, he was sent into therapy for support on his grades and his mentality, but he refused to talk about anything related to me. Eventually he got put on ritalin for his ADHD that he's always had, but his parents neglected to acknowledge anything was wrong with him until just recently. So, the timeline fits into fall/winter of 2005. Eventually he apologized, though he was angry that I accused him of being gay, and asked me what I wanted to do. I wasn't sure, but I said we could try being friends or /something/. So he asked if I wanted to go see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire with him (it was the release date). I said sure, and after school I waited at his truck so we could go straight after school. He drove me home first, but.. immediately as we were leaving the school, he went into this berserk attitude and started slamming his fists on the steering wheel and yelling at me asking "WHY DO YOU THINK I'M GAY?!?!". At that point, I knew anything I would say he wouldn't believe, or at least wouldn't be enough for him. So I said nothing the entire drive to my house. He only got angrier and angrier. Again, I said nothing. Then he accussed me of being a "lost cause" and that everything was my fault, that he never did anything wrong, and that I should go to hell. We reached my house, and the built up anger that he caused in me that trip to my house was unleashed. I screamed. I screamed LOUD. I screamed and yelled at him, "No, YOU ARE THE FUCKING LOST CAUSE. You're TOO GODDAMN SELFISH AND PATHETIC TO ADMIT ANYTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!" then I slammed the truck door, and he immediately floored it to leave me at my house. I went into my house in a rage. I was violently shaking, quite out of control, and crying. I had never felt so betrayed before.

    I ended up seeing the movie with my other friends instead. My ex-best friend chose not to go because of our encounter. I had a blast with my other friends and after the movie we had 2-3 really tasty pizzas, then I was really happy. After that encounter I chose to completely ignore him like I did in 8th grade, and I request to our chemistry teacher that I be moved to the other corner of the room (we sat in the front left side, and I chose to sit completely by myself around no one else in the back right side). For the rest of the year, I sat there by myself and rejected him as a person. Less than a friend, less than an acquaintance, I did not consider him a person to note his existance. I 100% and completely ignored him in every possible way. I even request of my friends to make sure that he and I never arrived at someone's house at the same time. My ex best friend thought that our friends were better friends for me than to him. He was left with regret for months, and spent the rest of the school year very depressed. Every other day in our chemistry class he would look back at me with sad eyes about every 10-15 minutes. Every. Class. When we finally decided to acquaint to each other again, he said that we could never be best friends again, just barely friends.

    I thought with that, our friendship would be over and I could move on with my life. Um.. I was wrong. As we started our senior year, we started being friends again, and after about a month he started driving me home again. Ironically, on my birthday he FORGOT to drive me home, and I was left at school by myself. So I had to call my mom, I was angry at him, and.. well, more drama, but only for a day or two. He was extremely apologetic and said he'd make it up to me by spending an entire day with me sometime soon, but I said to not worry about it. By that point I had given up on finding any point in my birthday, as no birthday in my life had been anything close to special in any way. I just stopped caring.

    Now, I'm still in my senior year, and a few weeks away from graduation. So how did the senior year turn out? Well, our friendship slowly mended itself. Since we had no 4th period on A days, we spent almost every A day (which is every other school day) together and going out to lunch somewhere. He even dared to start visiting my house again, and eventually we started going to his house again during our empty 4th period when his parents are at work.

    What also connected us was our TSA (Technology Student Association) meetings. We and about 30 other members met every Friday at school to work on our projects. He decided to sit next to me every meeting so we could spend time together, and we even tried spending time after TSA meetings (after 5pm) as friends. Theres a few days he stayed at my house from the afternoon until about 11pm or so.

    During all this, his parents have been pretty unaware that we're friends again. He's defying his parents wishes to be my friend, and making up excuses in case anything comes up. He said that he's been stressed out trying to balance out his parents and me, and can't always please all of us, but I admire his attempts and told him that he doesn't have to put me as a priority.

    We had our Regional TSA competitions at the end of March. I pulled an all-nighter just before we left to go to it, and I was extremely tired when we went. I passed out when I was waiting in the (I don't know what you call it) waiting room when no competitions were availible for me. He offered his jacket for me to use as a pillow, and I buried my face into it and slept on a desk. He's sweet.

    We maintained as good friends, although at some point during this time he was paranoid about our friends not wanting him around because he 'never got invited' to outings like our favorite restaraunt, Ton's Mongolian Grill. We did try to invite him but he was busy doing something, or had his cellphone off, or something of that sort. I managed to talk him out of that nonsense.

    Anyhow, recently I've developed a paranoia of what to do with my feelings. I spent basically this entire school year trying to convince myself that he's straight. For the most part, it's worked. I've used the excuse of him being ADHD to explain a lot of the things he's done and said. There were a few occassions however, such as the time when we were at a friend's house and I had a private talk with him to explain the new relationship between two of our friends (totally different story, also sortof complicated), he was on a balanced lay-down machine that you can work out on. I'm not sure what it is, but you can lay down on it and it levers itself down so you're level with the ground, and when he was laying on it and talking with me he grew a boner. Since that I've known him to be quite hung (I estimate about 8", but that's not really important about him.. and yes I'm saying that on LPSG :)), and if you want to say that he only got it because he was laying down, why did he ask me to help him back upright and tell me to go to the side where his legs were, where I could get a perfect view of his bulge, instead of the side where I preferred (and assumed he was prefer) where his face was so I wouldn't embarass him?

    Ontop of that, the occassions he visited my house and wanted to watch some show or just talk, he would take some random object like a small rubik's cube, or an old watch from my desk, hide it in his pocket, and tell me he didn't take anything even though I saw that he did. Then I would spend about 30 minutes trying to wrestle it from him, and during the entire time I'm trying to get whatever he took back, he's got a boner. So.. that's certainly questionable, even today..
     
  7. DarkAuron

    DarkAuron New Member

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    Anyhow, recently I've been trying to figure out what to do with my feelings for him. I felt that the only way I could get rid of them, is to avoid him and move on with my life without him at all. It started to work, but by the time we went to our State competition for TSA, and we shared a hotel room, my heart softened up and I acted friendly to him. The two weeks I avoided him (and I also havn't had time to spend with him since I just got a job and have been working a lot), within days of me starting to avoid him he got a girlfriend. I did see it coming though, she was going to our TSA meetings to do schoolwork for our teacher but instead spent time talking with him, and he stopped sitting next to me in TSA meetings.

    So, what happened at the hotel room? I got to see him in as little as his boxer briefs and shirtless, which was a sight to see. On the first night he was really frustrated with his failure on one of the competitions he did that day, so he proclaimed the bed as his (we were sharing the room with another Michael, a friend of ours also in TSA). Michael didn't mind as he wanted to sleep on the floor anyways.. not sure why, but he wanted to.

    On the second day, in the morning he wanted to know why I was so stressed out. He saw through me like glass. He figured out I was stressed about my competition, which is for Video Game Design (yep, I'm making a video game.. it's been my hobby and career destination since I was 11 years old), and also figured out I was stressed about him. Well, we talked about it. I told him I felt like the only way I could get past my feelings was to abandon our friendship and move on in life without him, despite that I valued our friendship more than anything else.

    His response hit me like cupid's arrow: "I completely understand. You know that I will never have feelings for you more than a friend, but I want you to understand that the decision is yours. It's not mine, it's not anyone else's, it's yours and yours only. And whatever decision you make, I will respect it."

    I resisted crying in front of him. I spent the rest of the day stressed out, and in deep thought. I wasn't able to think clearly at all for quite some time. I didn't know how we did in the VGD competition, even though our interview went extremely well.

    He had said I could have the bed the second night, but he fell asleep on the edge of the bed when he was watching something on my computer, so when I was tired enough I went to bed. He woke up shortly later and decided to share the bed with me. Unexpectedly during the night I woke up and looked at him, and noticed his cock was sticking out of his pants. Yes, I did stare, and yes he's got a nice cock. Then he rolled over, and I went back to sleep.

    The last day of our trip, he and I were never further than 10ft away from each other. When my blazer wasn't fixed right, and our teacher told me I needed to fix it, my best friend got behind me without saying anything and fixed it for me, then patted me on the back and I thanked him. When I went to get a refund for my breakfast buffet coupon that I didn't end up spending at the hotel, he went with me because he felt like it. And when we were taking our things back from our hotel rooms and bringing them down to the surburbans so we could drive back home, he wanted to be the one to help me bring my stuff down and stuck by my side. And last but not least, he hugged me just before we left the town and on our trip back to our school on Saturday. I never thought I'd be able to hug him, I always assumed that kind of contact would be too close for us because of him being straight and me being gay and in love with him. I don't know if it was his ADHD that kicked in, he didn't even give me time to respond before he gave me a really strong hug. And he didn't have any reason to, but he did it anyways.

    His understanding, his compassion, his ability to go past his homophobia, defy his parents to be my friend, and ignore my feelings to be a best friend, to change clothes in front of me, to sleep in the same bed as me, and to hug me.. I really don't think it's possible to find a better friend than him.

    So what is my decision on what to do with my feelings? I've decided, as of today, that I will focus all of my love and feelings not in regret, not in sorrow, and not in desperation, but in focus of his happiness and my own. Yes, he has a girlfriend. I don't particularly like her that much as a person, though she's not that bad. And yes, I'll admit I'm jealous of her. But he seems happy around her, and if he's happy, that's all I need to know. Hopefully this kind of focus will allow me to move on, ignore the possibility of whether he could be gay or not or whether he'll eventually come out of the closet and come running to me, because I'm probably going to waste years of my time for nothing. This is why I need to move on, and find out what I should do now.

    I feel left out without a relationship, and it's nearly impossible to find someone that's gay where I live because everyone is so closeted. I just don't know what to do, but maybe time will tell.
     
  8. DarkAuron

    DarkAuron New Member

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    Sorry about the massive storyline, but I have pretty good memory and a lot has happened in the past few years. He really means the world to me; it just hurts that he will probably never love me back the same, but I am infinitely thankful for his ability to bypass things he wouldn't do for anyone else.

    Also what I failed to mention, is last spring during the period of completely voided friendship between my best friend and I, I talked about my situation with him on a programming forum to explain why I hadn't been active lately, and one of the members came out and attained interest in me. It turned out he only lived 9 miles from me, and we got together. Our relationship lasted for 2 months, and most of it was very depressing. Near the end we tried giving each other blowjobs, which is the full extent of my sex life in its entirety, but that didn't work out very well and ever since that relationship I've been afraid of getting in a relationship again. He cut his wrists regularly, got a car for his birthday and wrecked it twice, the second time permanently.. he felt like the littlest things in the universe were his fault, and overall he was completely emo. That was all due to physical, emotional, verbal, and possibly sexual abuse from his biological father, who lives in Oklahoma. I'm afraid of a relationship like that occurring again, which is why I'm really concerned about the dating sites. I may not be ready yet, but I might be if I try. I don't know to be honest.

    Also, and this is ironic, my ex boyfriend and my best friend have the same birthday.. which is almost creepy.
     
  9. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    I'm not sure what to say, he sounds like he is hiding feeling, but also sounds like he genuinely just cares for you. One thing though hun, you may not want to start something with him, if it goes wrong then you have to get over that before you can be friends again, and that is sometimes really really hard to do, impossible even.
     
  10. DarkAuron

    DarkAuron New Member

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    That's why I was afraid of talking to him about my feelings for him and my decision on what to do with them, but his understanding makes me completely thankful for him, and still amazes me.

    I will say that a majority of my friends and acquaintances that know him are fairly convinced that he's gay, and especially in the least bi. My mother thought we were in a relationship and asked when I came out to her if I had feelings for him, after saying "I figured" in response to me telling her I'm gay. *Rolls eyes* plus my sister thinks he's gay. So honestly, I'm fighting a lot of peoples' opinions to agree with him and put my feelings aside.
     
  11. DarkAuron

    DarkAuron New Member

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    I found out today we'll be staying in the Gaylord hotel.. oh the irony.
     
  12. davidjh7

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    This is a very emotional, transistional time in your life. Yo likely will never feel as intensely about almost everything, as you do now. He obviously loves you, likely even more than as a friend, but at least as a good freind. You both blew up at things that later in life will seem more minor, but now are not. Love him as a friend the best you can, but work towards a relationship for yourself, as well, even if it is just exploring who you are and who you need. You will always remember how you feel, but life will change for you a great deal in the next few years. Your workd view, what you want and need, will change dramatically. Value and keep the friendship if you can, but regardless, treasure it always. Relationships of any kind are hard, because they always involve emotion. If you find someone else who is compatable to you, it will be easier to let your desire for him go, although there will likely always be a twinge. You never forget your first deep love, no matter who it is, or the circumstances surrounding it. Most of all, forgive yourself, and forgive him. And quit being so hard on yourself, and expecting to have it all figured out right now. It takes a lifetime to figure things out, and you never completely do. CUt each other some slack, and let the little things wash over you, because unless you insist on making them really matter, most of them really don't in the long view. Enjoy your senior year---it is a time that will never come again, and the person you are now won't exist in a few years. Treasure what moments you can make with whoever you can make them with NOW. THe future will take care of itself, and the past can;t be changed. You will survive this---most of us do--but your feelings will be on a roller coaster until there is a new stabilizing influence in your life. Hang in there--you will make it through!
     
  13. D_Coyne Toss

    D_Coyne Toss New Member

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    Post me the whole story, I'd certinly be more helpful! :)
     
  14. DarkAuron

    DarkAuron New Member

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    davidjh7: Yeah, I understand. I'm just going through a difficult time of isolation in my life. Thanks.

    Proudly_Italian: Read above in my 3 posts.
     
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