What to do with a girl that "doesn't like being touched?"

[YoungCock1234]

I finally went on a "real date" tonight with a girl I've known since last summer. She's 19, I'm 25, so there was a little discomfort there on her end, but not too much. We had a really nice night, good meal, decent conversation, and watched some Netflix at my place. I asked if I could kiss her, we did and enjoyed it, but that's as far as things went. She made it pretty clear that she was into me, but I didn't want to push it.
At various times, she's expressed that she doesn't like being touched, she didn't want me to put my arm around her, or give her a kind of comforting touch when she was coughing. Just little things. I'm pretty confident that this was an "everyone" thing for her and not anything that had to do with me. I understand it, everyone is different on the touchy-feely spectrum, but I'm really not sure how I'm going to proceed with her. These are just a few of the things I'm trying to wrap my head around:

1) How can I initiate further contact? Obviously there's the "can I do this, can I do that" method, but that's really awkward, especially for every little touch. Sometimes I'll give a girl the "I'm a very sexual person, I'm comfortable with anything as long as you are, so you lead the way" sort of approach, but I feel like someone with this hesitation won't be able to initiate contact even when she's ready.

2) Should I talk to her about this, or should I minimize mentioning it to avoid making her uncomfortable?

3) How normal is this sort of thing? Not that I'll judge her if it isn't, I'm just sort of curious if this is something I might encounter in the future or if it's unique to her.

It's very confusing. I feel like it normally would be a turn-off, but I feel sort of like I want to "crack the code" and figure this out and help her work through it, you know? Any and all input is very much appreciated =)

 

[rtg]

She might just need time to warm up to you. I hate ppl touching me who I don't know and am not comfortable around.

Or maybe she really just is big on personal space regardless. If this is the case, then she's made it clear and you'll have to decide if that's something you can deal with. But don't try to change her because that's never going to go down well.

If you see red flags that you know would be a deal breaker in the long term then get out before you get too attached.

 

[nailz]

If you see red flags that you know would be a deal breaker in the long term then get out before you get too attached.

 

[950483]

If I was coughing and someone was fussing around me and touching me while I was doing it that would really fucking irritate me. When people overstep the mark and get a bit over-familiar or too touchy-feely that fucking irritates me too. If it feels more like pressure than persuasion I am completely put off any physical contact, let alone the sex they were hoping for.

Having said that, I am a particularly affectionate, very physical person.

Perhaps she's just not that into you. Perhaps you are putting her off by being part man, part octopus. Perhaps she is like the short-haired woman in 'The Lobster', and you really need to wonder whether you are compatible.

 

[Ed69]

Kissing in a private setting on the first date is fast work! It took 3 dates in public before I got to hold hands with my wife. We knew each other for 2 years prior to dating.

 

[halcyondays]

One date does not a relationship make.

Yes it's normal for her. No you should not "talk about it." It's too soon for that. Initiate further contact by asking politely if you can hold her hand or kiss her, but don't make an issue of it.

Right now you don't know if it's an "everyone thing" or if it's just you. Has she said yes to a second date?

 

[Wave85]

I kissed my wife on the cheek goodbye after our first date and made no attempt to touch her otherwise. You need to pace yourself and you don't need to talk about it - you just need to go out a few times and see if it is working for you and her or not. It's rewarding and healthy to get to know someone before you start touching them if you are looking for something more than a one night thing.

 

[Guy-jin]

It's a little early in your (and I even hesitate to call it this) "relationship" to be determining that she has some unusual dislike for touching. I mean... sounds like she kissed you. On the first date. That doesn't strike me as someone who dislikes touching that much. Seems to me maybe she just wasn't down for PDAs with you on date numero uno.

Then again, maybe she really doesn't like touching. And if that's a problem for you, rather than trying to change her, you're better off finding someone you're more compatible with, in my opinion.

 

[AlteredEgo]

If I was coughing and someone was fussing around me and touching me while I was doing it that would really fucking irritate me. When people overstep the mark and get a bit over-familiar or too touchy-feely that fucking irritates me too. If it feels more like pressure than persuasion I am completely put off any physical contact, let alone the sex they were hoping for.

Having said that, I am a particularly affectionate, very physical person.

Perhaps she's just not that into you. Perhaps you are putting her off by being part man, part octopus. Perhaps she is like the short-haired woman in 'The Lobster', and you really need to wonder whether you are compatible.

This was my thinking. I am extremely handsy with known people, occasionally too touchy with new acquaintances, forward as all get out and tpuch is my number one way to give and recognize love. But if you are all up in my stuff while I'm coughing, that's annoying. Don't get involved unless I'm choking. If a man is not exactly the right height, his arm around me while we walk is a burden. If he is too warm, or moves more than he thinks he does, or deliberately rocks me when we are sitting or standing still, his arm is a burden.

I gather from what is written in the OP that they have spent lots of time together in mixed company, and this was their first time alone. Sir, it is not your job to fix her. She is not your pet project. So, if ordinarily you would not proceed, do not proceed. Having said that, the summer was the summer and this is now. You might not have to live under the same conditions as you did then. Then again, you might.

Do what feels natural and organic to you and respond to social cues. THAT is normal. So do that. I did, and discovered that my dude will not let me use my toungue even for a second in public. He likes to hold hands, but does not want to snuggle in public. If it is pitch black, none of those rules apply. If no one is likely to see, he gooses me. It took a few interactions to put it all together, but there it is. He doesn't do PDAs. When I'm getting a little too snuggly for him at home, he tells me he isn't used to that much contact and needs a little space. Yet, when we go to sleep we always spoon. Without my prompting he will hold onto me until I fall asleep, sometimes all night. And, if he does want to initiate sex he will find a way to make whole body contact with me so I can feel how strong he is, and how hard his erection has gotten. People are complicated. I can live with his boundaries. I do not need him to change. Can you live with hers? If not, leave her be so you can both find compatibility elsewhere. But don't try to "fix" her. She doesn't even sound necessarily broken.

TL DR; Do not pursue long-term happiness, even casually with someone who you feel needs a breakthrough to be right for you. Live with her boundaries, or move on.

 

[sexplease]

so many people need to be held but can't stand to be touched. Perhaps she would benefit from some one on one counselling with a therapist.
Meanwhile, have fun, do activities in public settings and let nature take it's sweet ass time. p a t i e n c e is a virtue.

 

[Wave85]

This was my thinking. I am extremely handsy with known people, occasionally too touchy with new acquaintances, forward as all get out and tpuch is my number one way to give and recognize love. But if you are all up in my stuff while I'm coughing, that's annoying. Don't get involved unless I'm choking. If a man is not exactly the right height, his arm around me while we walk is a burden. If he is too warm, or moves more than he thinks he does, or deliberately rocks me when we are sitting or standing still, his arm is a burden.

I gather from what is written in the OP that they have spent lots of time together in mixed company, and this was their first time alone. Sir, it is not your job to fix her. She is not your pet project. So, if ordinarily you would not proceed, do not proceed. Having said that, the summer was the summer and this is now. You might not have to live under the same conditions as you did then. Then again, you might.

Do what feels natural and organic to you and respond to social cues. THAT is normal. So do that. I did, and discovered that my dude will not let me use my toungue even for a second in public. He likes to hold hands, but does not want to snuggle in public. If it is pitch black, none of those rules apply. If no one is likely to see, he gooses me. It took a few interactions to put it all together, but there it is. He doesn't do PDAs. When I'm getting a little too snuggly for him at home, he tells me he isn't used to that much contact and needs a little space. Yet, when we go to sleep we always spoon. Without my prompting he will hold onto me until I fall asleep, sometimes all night. And, if he does want to initiate sex he will find a way to make whole body contact with me so I can feel how strong he is, and how hard his erection has gotten. People are complicated. I can live with his boundaries. I do not need him to change. Can you live with hers? If not, leave her be so you can both find compatibility elsewhere. But don't try to "fix" her. She doesn't even sound necessarily broken.

TL DR; Do not pursue long-term happiness, even casually with someone who you feel needs a breakthrough to be right for you. Live with her boundaries, or move on.

As usual very wise AE!

 

[sangheili90]

Though you've known her for a while, you really shouldn't be pushing for too much too soon, I shouldn't have to explain why. Let it proceed naturally, a girl that respects herself and/or is interested in a relationship isn't going to be taking her panties off after the first date with her, unless of course all you guys are looking for is a fwb situation. I know you specifically mentioned touching, but the way you are describing it makes it sound like you were trying to touch her in a physically intimate manner, she is probably just not at that stage yet.

This is kind of a similar situation I'm in right now, best advice is to just not analyze the shit out of this and just go by feel.

 

[someperson]

I finally went on a "real date" tonight with a girl I've known since last summer. She's 19, I'm 25, so there was a little discomfort there on her end, but not too much. We had a really nice night, good meal, decent conversation, and watched some Netflix at my place. I asked if I could kiss her, we did and enjoyed it, but that's as far as things went. She made it pretty clear that she was into me, but I didn't want to push it.
At various times, she's expressed that she doesn't like being touched, she didn't want me to put my arm around her, or give her a kind of comforting touch when she was coughing. Just little things. I'm pretty confident that this was an "everyone" thing for her and not anything that had to do with me. I understand it, everyone is different on the touchy-feely spectrum, but I'm really not sure how I'm going to proceed with her. These are just a few of the things I'm trying to wrap my head around:

1) How can I initiate further contact? Obviously there's the "can I do this, can I do that" method, but that's really awkward, especially for every little touch. Sometimes I'll give a girl the "I'm a very sexual person, I'm comfortable with anything as long as you are, so you lead the way" sort of approach, but I feel like someone with this hesitation won't be able to initiate contact even when she's ready.

2) Should I talk to her about this, or should I minimize mentioning it to avoid making her uncomfortable?

3) How normal is this sort of thing? Not that I'll judge her if it isn't, I'm just sort of curious if this is something I might encounter in the future or if it's unique to her.

It's very confusing. I feel like it normally would be a turn-off, but I feel sort of like I want to "crack the code" and figure this out and help her work through it, you know? Any and all input is very much appreciated =)

maybe she is sensitive to the point that it turns her on...




happens to me I'm way too sensitive to touch as well it can be bother some... if im interested i can Dry orgasms as well it happened when i was sitting next to someone i liked even if it was light touch as well

 

[YoungCock1234]

First off, I think I should have been more clear that this is just something casual. Not sure of the "relationships" in RDJ was meant to imply exclusive, long-term relationships but that's not what either of us are looking for; I'm moving out of the country in a few months and she knows this. I'm not too worried about "getting attached" or anything like that, although I wouldn't want to hurt her, I don't think it's a major concern. Sorry for not clarifying sooner!

What I'm generally hearing is "take your time, let her be her, and be patient and okay with that," which makes perfect sense and I think is what I needed to hear. So thanks. =) I'm just going to try to communicate with her a lot I guess, go with the "do you like this, would you like that" approach, as awkward as it can be at times, I think it's the best way forward. And not worry about the "why" or break down her hesitations; even though I'd like to see her break through them, it's not my place.

I'm curious if anyone has any more insight on specific strategies for communication while being intimate, other than the approach I described.

 

[halcyondays]

First off, I think I should have been more clear that this is just something casual. Not sure of the "relationships" in RDJ was meant to imply exclusive, long-term relationships but that's not what either of us are looking for; I'm moving out of the country in a few months and she knows this. I'm not too worried about "getting attached" or anything like that, although I wouldn't want to hurt her, I don't think it's a major concern. Sorry for not clarifying sooner!

What I'm generally hearing is "take your time, let her be her, and be patient and okay with that," which makes perfect sense and I think is what I needed to hear. So thanks. =) I'm just going to try to communicate with her a lot I guess, go with the "do you like this, would you like that" approach, as awkward as it can be at times, I think it's the best way forward. And not worry about the "why" or break down her hesitations; even though I'd like to see her break through them, it's not my place.

I'm curious if anyone has any more insight on specific strategies for communication while being intimate, other than the approach I described.

Thanks for clarifying.

In my experience if a woman wants to get physically close/intimate she'll let me know. Rebuffing your touch on a first date doesn't mean she doesn't like you or will rebuff you on a second, third, fourth, fifth date, etc.

My advice is the same: it's her call. Don't push it but be prepared. Many a make out session leads to sex.

 

[rtg]

maybe she is sensitive to the point that it turns her on...




happens to me I'm way too sensitive to touch as well it can be bother some... if im interested i can Dry orgasms as well it happened when i was sitting next to someone i liked even if it was light touch as well

This sounds good but bad at the same time!