What to do?

[deleted298367]

So I'm 18. About 3 months ago I told my best friend that I was bi, and about 2 weeks after, he told me he was too. It seems we were both secretly crushing on each other for quite some time. We had a ton of fun together, we did it every chance we got. It was supposed to just be "Friends With Benefits" but we both fell in love and happier than ever.

I haven't seen him for 3 weeks, last week he was away at camp. When he came back, he didn't text much or anything, and I finally confronted him whether or not he still liked me. He said something changed, he doesn't know what or why, but it did. He finally said he needs to feel "normal." My friend that knew and I told him that its perfectly fine, I've made peace with that I'm bi. Don't get me wrong, I'd kill to be perfectly straight, but I don't see any reason to go against what I like.

We're still friends, But I don't know what to do. Should I try to convince him that its better to be happy than try to be "normal"? We had talked about it before and he thinks people will hate him if he comes out. It's not even like we were going to, we were all behind the scenes.

I can't stop thinking about him. =\ I've been crying on and off the past two days and I feel like death. I feel like I'm going to throw up constantly and keep having panic attacks. I know I shouldn't have gotten that attached. But I'm a lover, not a fighter. I do get attached.

='(

 

[D_Amyntas Lillydong]

You got attached and that's what happens when the other person doesn't feel the same way about you. Sometimes reality can really suck.

 

[Bigboi123]

I had this same problem, in highschool me and this friend since freshman year had sex every chance we would but when i told him i was bi and he told me he was gay we never talked again. I dont know what happened it was just weird, It felt like when he didnt know and i didnt it felt fine but when i told him and he told me it all changed.

 

[deleted298367]

Yeah I know reality sucks. But what I'm saying is I think he still likes me. He just doesn't want to be bi. He has a hard time dealing with it and I don't know if I should help him deal with it or just forget him.

The bad part is that we're still friends. We dealt with just being friends in front of everyone else. I just hope I don't start sobbing when I see him. XD And we have a bunch of classes together next year. Sigh.

 

[numberseven]

I don't mean to be cavalier, but neither of you has to "come out" unless you want to. And even when you do, you can choose the people who know. A vast majority of the people I know have no idea that I'd swing for guys occasionally, and it's not because I'm not being truthful; it's just because they haven't needed to know. I know society makes sexuality a huge thing on the forefront of your personality, but it doesn't have to be.

Just my two cents, I guess... my advice would be to encourage your friend to take stock of his feelings independent from societal expectations. It's difficult, so be there to support him.

 

[killerb]

I feel ur pain, Ickday. The sad thing is, until ur friend comes clean with himself, any chance you might have of being more than friends is nonexistent. With some guys, the urge to appear to be straight will overwhelm any other feelings they may have.

You might be right that he really likes you...he may even want to be with you...but until he has the balls to do it, it will never work...

As much as it hurts, you need to move on & find someone who wants you for who you are...

 

[D_Coyne Toss]

Gay or straight, how much does it hurt to be left in the cold? And I imagine how much your friend too is suffering: he left the one he loved and he is playing a part, the recipt for self destruction.

One thing is leaving someone when you had enough. Another it is to do it because it is "more normal" to do so. Many straight couples do it too.

Anytime you need a shoulder, I am here. Maybe I can't understand how it feels to be gay inan homphobic society, but also straight married men know pain and love.

 

[deleted298367]

=] Okay. I know what he's feeling, I actually went through a huge depression thing for two months earlier this year for the same thing. It was more of a period of my admitting to myself that I am. haha. I hope he comes around. He's great in bed :wink: hehe

 

[deleted298367]

I feel like such a girl. I've never really been this torn over a breakup. Even though it wasn't one cause we weren't 'going out.' Haha

 

[deleted298367]

My friend just told me that his brother always used to be teased about being gay because he hung out with his one friend a lot. He's not (as far as we know) but I bet he's really affected by that. I never knew that=\

 

[D_Coyne Toss]

The situation is getting more and more complicated...

 

[D_Ollyvalle Treegirth]

Youre both still so young -- I don't think there's anything you can really do to hurry along his self-acceptance process. He may snap out of it in a few months, a few years....or never. When and if he does, you can be sure he'll regret all the time he wasted living in fear of being unusual. Sad but, as others have pointed out, that's reality.

I'm a generation older than you -- and we'd been kinda hoping this self-loathing must-hide-my-true-nature thing had died out. Alas.

 

[deleted298367]

lol. I just need something to keep my mind off of him for awhile. But I have nothing. Xbox reminds me of him cause we used to play all the time. And a lot of other stuff does too. Whattodo whattodo

 

[Hippie Hollow Girl]

Did he meet somebody else that he is crushing on at camp? From what I remember when I was your age......I remember that being being a time in my life when I had a lot of crush activity going on. I would have a crush on this person for a certain period of time....the crush would fade and I would develop a crush on another person. And I remember being fickle. I remember the hardest part was crushing on or really liking someone at the same time they were crushing on or really wanting to be solo with me. I would just reccomend not worrying about it. Give the guy some space. The worst thing you could do is to come across like you are chasing him or trying to get him to do stuff that isn't his idea at the moment. Everything will work out the best in the long run.

In the meantime while you are giving this guy some space......expand your horizons. Meet some new friends. Take up a new hobby. Take a fun class. Do something that will distract you from focussing on this friends with benefits situation.

That is my 2 cents. I hope this makes sense. I just remember struggling with this when I was your age.....even though I am a female. It always worked for me.

 

[deleted298367]

Thanks kadtxgrl, that actually makes a lot of sense. Its funny, we'd talk about guys we'd like to do, but we didnt want to make any more situations (he kinda ended breaking up with his g/f and i think it was mostly my fault =x ) so we made a kind of 'pact,' we weren't going out but we'd remain loyal. I hope he didn't meet anyone, that'd kill me. He said nothing happened at camp (that was one of the first things I asked =P ) but who knows.

I DEFINITELY don't want to force him into anything right now, I had planned on giving him space, glad someone can reassure my decision. =]

 

[deleted298367]

I managed to talk to him. I sent him a freaking Q&A in a .txt document. lol i'm weird like that.

Basically, he's trying to figure out what he wants right now. He'd like to have a family someday (which doesnt make sense, we have years before that happens) and doesnt want a 'second life.' I guess I kind of understand. I asked if there's still a chance for us to reunite, he said "who knows, maybe. there's always hope. butt im not sure." meh.

He did say that when we did stuff, it felt right but looking back, he's not sure if it's right for him.

I talked to my close friend and she says she thinks he's going to come back, its obvious that he cared for me a lot and probably still does. I hope she's right

Thanks for all of your support. I'll keep you updated :biggrin1:

 

[deleted3782]

Seems like you have two choices. Either put yourself on ice and wait for him to decide to come around to your side of the fence, or move on. If you wait, there is no assurance he will ever come back to your side. If you move on, the "what if's" might haunt you forever.

Its a tough spot to be in. I've been there more than once. I could tell lots of stories, but I'll spare ya.

Maybe you could give it a little more time, and keep talking to him. Communication is key. After you talk to him a few times, maybe you will have a better handle on how he is really feeling. If he clams up, thats going to make it hard.

Good luck, and take care of yourself.

 

[Jonathan2/11]

I've never had been depressed cuz I'm gay I am what I am and I am gay and I love being gay and thats how u should feel too I'm not out either and when people ask me if I am gay I just say I'm metro and 100% straight and being called gay or a fag is nothing I use those words a lot I mean straight guys arent even immune to those words