What Was Your Father Like? Good or Bad?

[largeornot]

I would give my dad a "C"... but I love him still, and know that he is also human, just like all of us.

 

[MrToolhung]

I really don't feel alone anymore after reading others posts.

I will start this off though by saying I have always been very independent from any of my family. But I believe that has to do with my environment while I was growing up.

My parents got divorced when I was 5 years old and I remember the fights they had. The screaming and yelling in the middle of the night and then slamming of the doors. We lived out the county in a large house, my father at least worked and provided at the time. After, they got divorced we moved to Ontario and I would rarely see him. There were a few years in a row that he would show up for the Christmas Holidays and of course shower my Brother and I with gifts(trying to make my Mother look bad) and then he would leave just after the New Year. Depending on whether or not my Brother was acting up he would then show up again to "deal" with him. Which really never amounted to very much I might add. My Brother was about 10 when my parents did split up. It has affected in many ways which never really impacted me. I was not emotionally scarred like him. As a result my Brother often got into trouble and both of my parents would focus on him. My Mother still tells me to this day how sorry she was for putting me on the back burner. Simply because she knew I was so independent.

Over the course of the years my father would come and stay with us for several months on end and he would talk about getting back together with my Mother but that never happened. When he was there he did not really pay any attention to me, he would push me away by telling me that I did not like what he and my Brother were doing. For example watching hockey. I still remember the day like it happened yesterday I wanted to watch a game with them. He turned around and asked what I wanted and I proceeded to sit down on the couch with them. I told him that I wanted to watch the game with them. He looked at me and said "Son, you don't like hockey, go find something else to do and don't bother us again". I was probably 9 or 10 at the time and ended up bursting into tears and ran out of the house. That is one of the many examples of him pushing me away.

As I got older the birthday cards and phone calls stopped. It is funny now that I look back on it the cards, gifts and phone calls never really ceased for my Brother. The last card or phone call that I got from him was probably 20 years ago. And I never got any gifts from him. Does that make me bitter? Ya betcha it does! Christmas time, the same. Although my Mother would say to me...that is from your father. But I knew it was not the case. Just simply by comparing the gifts that my Brother would get as it was not even remotely close in value or amount of stuff. (It's not like I needed the stuff but when you are young it hurts):frown2:

Fast forward to my adult life. When I was in University he made a few promises that he would help me out which I knew was a lie. I never counted on it because he NEVER follows through on anything he says. That I learned at an early age and my Brother still needs to learn. He has not taken any active interest in what is going on with me. To date I have not heard from him in about 3 yrs. Last I knew he was living in Jakarta and married to a women that is younger then me. And supposedly I have a new "sibling".

When my father has visited here he always stays at my Brother's house and in the past stays for over 2 weeks. I usually got an hour with him for lunch!

I actually don't refer to him as my father but simply the "sperm donor". Yes, I even say that to my Mother about him. But she knows my feelings on him and the subject of him is rarely brought up.

My Brother on the other hand is often a lost puppy when it comes to him. That is another reason why I cannot stand him. He puts him through hell by promising him the world and never delivers. The sad thing is my Brother is almost 40 and it is like he never grew up. I sometimes reminder him that his father is not really the man who he thinks he is and that he cannot hang onto his words because it is he that gets hurt. One of the worst moments in my Brothers life happened a few years back when he lost his youngest son. He Son turned two years old on the day when he and his wife had to make the decision to pull life support on him. My father was not around for him. And never came to the funeral.

I can actually say I am lucky for one reason: I have two Father's. My partner's Father who for the last 17 yrs has been a Father to me. And my Mother's husband who has done the same for the past 7 years. Those two men have done more for me then the "sperm donor"

So...I am sorry I have got into so much about this man that was supposed to be a part of my life. But I rarely think about him. The thing is I don't hate him but I have no feelings for him either. To me...he is just another man that is living on the planet.

Thanks for this thread! It really has given me some "counseling" if you will.

 

[D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah]

How was your father, good or bad?
My father was the classic to busy working to worry about the kids, that was my mothers job. 99% of the time he wouldn't have had a clue what was going on

What do you wish was different about him?
He was brought up in a big family and had to fight for what he got, so in turn he was that way with us. There are no free rides in my house. Any time we got money he took his share and we were taught we owed him for what he provided us

Also my dad is the type that believes in reverse psychology. Tell us we are dumb to make us fight back and prove him wrong. It took me a very long painful childhood to work that out and realize it wasnt that he didnt like us

If bad, have you changed yourself to not repeat his mistakes?
I try and make myself much more approachable then he was/is. I would hate to think i purposely intimidated someone enough to the point where they were scared of me

Have you ever seen someone get choked up trying to talk about their father? I do most times

I should add he wasnt a bad father, we always went on holidays and had fun. He just has methods i will never understand

 

[D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead]

How was your father, good or bad?

Yes. Good and bad. Desperately tried to get past his own family's craziness but didn't really have to tools for much of his life. Distant; not good at relationships; alcoholic with a temper; but loved me and my brother more than he could believe sometimes. When I was about 20, he and my mom split up, and he moved out of town, and met the woman who was to be his soulmate for the last 1/2 of his life. I was glad he got that.

What do you wish was different about him?

Honestly? I've stopped wishing that he was different. It's been a long time since I felt that way. He was who he was, and that was the dad I got.

If bad, have you changed yourself to not repeat his mistakes?

I joined AA at the first hint of a substance abuse problem on my part. I've been through a TON of therapy. I try to talk as honestly and personally with my own kid, without going past inappropriate boundaries. And I remember what it was like to be a kid and what a dad means to you.

Have you ever seen someone get choked up trying to talk about their father?

Oh, yeah. Been in a mens group where big macho guys turned to jello talking about their dads.

PS to Jovial ... good thread, guy.

 

[pornographicpoet]

I guess I feel less alone after reading the posts in this thread. I still wish there was a way to repair my relationship with my dad...but I don't know how or if he'd even have the interest.

I'm just lucky, I guess, my cousin Darren is 40 years old and he is like a father to me. He gives me advice about women, he tries to help me find a job, he's there to motivate me so I don't fall into idolatry, he always puts himself out there for me.....and he has cancer. I'm afraid of losing him because then I won't have any father figure.

I think this is just a sad commentary on the failures of fathers.......I wish more men knew there's more to being a father than just providing the sperm and money.

 

[vince]

Great thread Jovial! I missed it the first time around. I guess I was in the US visiting my dad this time last year!

My dad has been a good one. Not perfect, but pretty good I guess. Reading some of the stories above, I feel very lucky indeed. He has many, many good qualities and a few not so good. The man is very skilled with his hands and has a very inventive mind. He could make or fix just about anything. He made sure that his boys learned a good work ethic and passed along many of his skills to us.

When I was little, he was very loving to us. As we grew up, past the age of puberty, he became much more hard ass about things. Dad loves little kids and is wonderful with them. But he hasn't been as successful with his adult relationships and that includes his kids. He had (it's calmed down it bit) a terrible temper and while he never hit me, his yelling and belittling caused me some pain which I still somewhat resent to this day.

He never taught us about sex, which I didn't need anyway as I had a two older brothers who made sure I was fully informed. But it would have been nice nonetheless. He seemed to believe in reverse psychology as well. As a teen I heard "you can't do that because you are too stupid, because you don't work hard enough", blah, blah, blah. It didn't work on me and told him to fuck off with that shit when I was 19. It did badly effect my oldest brother, who was closest to Dad. This is one mistake I learned and made sure not to repeat on my own child. My ex and I were saying, "Yes you can", long before any one ever heard of Obama.

Dad has a great sense of humour, was a really hard worker, was (is) lousy with money and far to trusting of people outside the family.

I don't want to make him sound bad, because he wasn't. I never doubted for a moment his love for me. I do wish he had shown more respect towards me.

At 90 years old he has slowed down, but still putters in his workshop most of the day. I wish he would lay off the alcohol dependency he seems to have developed in the last 10 years.

Thanks Dad, I love you.

 

[Silvertip]

How was your father, good or bad?

After reading some of the preceding comments I can only think that my own father was close to perfect. I learned more from him and my mother than I ever learned in school, including the university experience.

What do you wish was different about him?

From my own selfish perspective it would have been nice if he had been immortal.

Have you ever seen someone get choked up trying to talk about their father?

I would like to believe that everyone could get choked up when talking about their father, it's nothing more than a sign of their very deep love. But this thread makes it clear to me that there are those who will never be able to feel that emotion for their fathers. I hope that void in their lives serves as a positive motivation to become the best that they can be in their own personal interactions.

 

[B_Artful Dodger]

My dad is cool. Always took us cool places and encouraged the slightest little interests we had in things, even when he found them boring. Hes a great dad n he'll probably make an even better Grandad when the time comes too :smile:

 

[tippett]

I just came across this thread, and its interesting to see such widely different feelings about fathers, and I suppose that is to be expected as well. Its good for me to be reminded, that I seem to have been in that smaller group that had a really wondeful dad.

My father was a shy, brilliant, witty, gentle man.

He was 35 when I was born. I have a brother 9 years older, and one 6 years younger. We are astoundingly different. Other than presumably shared genetic material, the only common trait between us is I think music. We all love music, though very different types.

I could talk about my father at length. Of course he was not perfect, but I think one of his greatest gifts as a dad was his ability to find things to share with his sons. My elder brother is the mathematical one. Father whose ability in maths was kind of legendary, shared this with his eldest son. They had friendly competitions to see who would finish the acrostic and diagramless crossword puzzles in the Toronto "Globe and Mail". They shared an interest in education.

My younger brother ended up working in the same type of engineering field that dad did, and he is the only one of us who could fully appreciate dad's technical abilities. This shared interest and ability provided them with countless hours of conversation about new developments and people they knew in the industry.

From my earliest years dad shared his interest in theatre and classical music with me. We went to symphony concerts for years, and operas too.

When I told him I was gay with my heart in my mouth at the age of 20, 30 years ago, dad gave me the best reaction that any gay aquaintance of mine ever recieved. He simply said he had always known, and I should talk to mother about it and help her understand. And when I asked how he knew, he replied "I think any good father would know that about their child".

Dad worked a lot...he loved what he did. But we walked the dogs every day, snow storm, heat wave or hurricane, for several miles. What great opportunites for conversation those were. And when dad would go back to the office after supper, he always asked me if I would like to go. And I almost always did.

I loved spending time with my dad. I feel constantly the great privilege it was to have a loving father. A man I will always look up to. A man of absolute probity.

Dad developed Alzheimer's disease about the age of 80, and I shared his care with mother. Dad retained his courtly manners, and sense of humour as his memory ebbed away.

Everything good in my life came from my parents. They gave me everything I needed to have a happy life. The fact that I was gay was always easily discussed, but of no more importance than that my brothers are straight. My father loved my partner and those feelings were returned. Dad was immensely proud of my partner's academic career...my partner always says dad took much more interest than his own father.

And the thing I miss most about dad is simply spending time with him. Going to a concert...walking the dogs. Having a cup of tea together. Just reading in the same room.

I can only say I am so sorry that my experience does not seem to be the norm. I will feel a desire all my life to try to show the same courtesy and interest in others which my parents always showed. I return thanks daily for 48 years with my dad. In fact dad died on my birthday. And that is not a sadness. We were so close in fact its nice to remember him especially on that day.

 

[gymfresh]

What a beautiful, sensitive tribute, tippett.

I felt much the same about my dad, who was in fact my best friend, even if I never felt quite his equal in any area. He was brilliant but modest; cognizant of the slightest details in life but very private; a gentleman whom everyone loved.

 

[sxjTheFirst]

My father had a bad childhood he never mentions it except when he is ranting but I learned some details from his mother. I think he has deep scars but sadly instead of addressing them he has let them fester and for too many years my mother has been living the abused (not physical abuse) woman's life. My earliest childhood memories consist of seeing my mother cry alone in the back porch. With me sitting by playing quietly till I fell asleep.

It wasn't all bad when I was a kid he was the one who would take me to the zoo, the library to get ice cream but as I grew up there was very little we could do together. I think he resents the fact that despite all that he did I am closer to my mother. I guess me and by bro had to go through the disadvantages of having divorced parents without the advantages of an actual divorce.

My father's insecurities and weird OCD (or whatever it is) behavior and his poor self-esteem reflected in the way he treated me. For example I was a weak skinny boy and instead of doing anything constructive about he would whine about it and compare me with my friends.

However he was intelligent (but not wise) I get my heavy reading habit from him. He also helped practically in keeping me supplied with books unquestioningly (and without his knowledge uncensored ) Of course he did the practical part of keeping food on the table but then my mother did the same too. She had to keep her career from going too well because she didn't want him to be even more jealous and insecure.

I have given up on him ever changing. I only wish my mother had had the guts to take us children and leave him. She was always the better manager than him at home and work. Maybe he should have married a more ordinary woman?

We used to have screaming matches at home. My bro was an asshole on his own merits. Things have calmed down these days. I have changed myself to more or less avoid him as much as possible.

Edit: Thanks all it was great to finally write it down somewhere. There's tons more and could be organized better but just wanted to say it.

 

[sxjTheFirst]

this thread deserves a *bump*

 

[overninept5]

He is fantastic. :biggrin1:

 

[thadjock]

My dad IS good, he's still very much alive so the past tense of the thread title isn't applicable.

i've said in other threads that he's really the only parent i've known since i was 10, and our relationship has always been rock solid even though at times we've definitely butted heads. he's a crossbreed of military regs and old school italian where family is first last and always so even though we moved around alot, i always knew somebody had my back. he also always knew exactly how much freedom to give us and when he should yank on our leash.

I'd give him an A+ and he knows it.

 

[Symphonic]

Bad.

 

[D_Doe_Ray_Mi]

An old thread deserving of a revival and a vehicle for some great expression and acknowledgment.

Jovial - "How was your father, good or bad?"
My father was a good man. I've never known a man with greater integrity than my father. He was a good father by 50-60s standards as a great provider but a workaholic. My image of him as a child was of hands holding a newspaper and being told to be quiet so he could hear the news on TV. He once told me that he decided to parent by example instead of involvement.

"What do you wish was different about him?"
I wish that he had fathered me as a younger man. He was 50 when I was born and an old man by the time I was 10. I wish that he'd taken an interest in me and shared more with me and taught me more about life as a boy and man.
He always seemed disappointed in me in spite of being an "A" student, starting my own business at 12, buying my own car at 15, paying for college and grad school myself while holding down jobs. Only once before he died did he ever introduce me as or acknowledge that I am a Dr.
However at the end of his life he asked for forgiveness for his constant attempt to sabotage my successes based on his jealousy of me, my education, my relationship with his father, my grandfather, my mother and my many friends.

"If bad, have you changed yourself to not repeat his mistakes?'
Yes, although I don't have a son, I have mentored my nephews, godsons and other young men as I would like to have been mentored by my father.

"Have you ever seen someone get choked up trying to talk about their father?"
Yes, in grad school and I have myself.

Great thread guys . . . get it off your chest!

 

[midlifebear]

My father was an A+ (and then add more points to that). He was a great man who held his own among a community of assholes. Of course, the Community (big C) considered my father to be the asshole because he did not bend over and let everyone fuck him in the ass, steal him blind, and he definitely did not believe in sheep think.

I owe my father a great deal, even though I didn't realize how much until it was almost too late.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

My dad is a good man - in his own way. He worked hard and provided a good home, private school education for his kids, let my mom run everything. He handed her his check every week and kept a few bucks in his pocket for his day to day expenses. We had everything we ever wanted. He had two degrees and was a bright business man but never saved for his or my mom's future. Today the kids are supporting them. He was tough on us but lenient at the same time. We could have a beer or a drink WITH HIM and knew better than to try it on our own until we were old enough. When friends were old enough, they went wild while my brothers and I were "been there, done that". We had curfews we didn't appreciate but were pretty much able to come and go as we pleased. It wasn't until recently that he learned that I was sexually assaulted by his older brother. He cried harder than I've ever seen him cry. He begged MY forgiveness for not seeing it. He also learned that I am gay and loves my BF and asks about him all the time. All in all, I've come to respect my dad now as he'd aged and I can see him suffering with little health problems that just keep coming. But he keeps on going.

Now, my mom - well, that's another story. :redface:

 

[D_Portelay Porquesword]

How was your father, good or bad?
My father was good. A very simple and wise man. He loved good food, clean living spaces, organization and well thought out plans for anything. He appreciated kindness and taught us to be grateful for everything.
He believed in me and told me that I could go anywhere in life I wanted.

What do you wish was different about him?
I wish he had encouraged more reading and educational stuff and had taken more time to go fishing/etc with me. I believe he did the very best he could and for that I am very grateful.

If bad, have you changed yourself to not repeat his mistakes?
I have pushed myself to grow in ways he didn't understand.

Have you ever seen someone get choked up trying to talk about their father?
Yes, I have. One friend of mine is still dealing with the fallout from issues stemming from his father's cruelty and lack of regard for his children.
I have also seen guys choke up because they loved their father. Fond memories tend to do that to even the strongest among us.

 

[D_CountdeGrandePinja]

My dad was awesome - I wish I were 1/2 the man he was!