What would you do if your partner told you they were bored with sex?
- Thread starter Symphonic
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Well you switch it up. Ask what boring about the sex. Talk about your fantasy. Asking about there fantasy find out what types of pornography your partner enjoy it can give you a lot insight into your partners kinks what turns them on
I would talk to my partner, not a bunch of random people on the internet.
AlteredEgo
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I don't know that I can handle another sexless relationship. It probably wouldn't have gotten that far. The first sign that the sex was broken I would have already been trying to mend fences, try new things, get a counselor or even a sex therapist. So, if after all that he suddenly snaps and tells me he's bored, it's something he's kept secret all along. It's a crossroads. Either we commit then and there to work on communication and I see real improvement over the next year or two, or I'm out while I'm still young and pretty enough to replace him easily. Then again, I don't have any children to consider.
Boredom is one thing... Loss of desire is totally different.
twoton
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Possibly... In my mind I'm thinking "I'm bored" is indicative of "you bore me"(spicing things up would friend on the partners willingness to participate) .. Perhaps external factors could influence change.
Lack of desire.. IMO ... Is more internal based. True there could be many reasons for lack of desire ... one being boredom. But desire is an internally motivated emotion.
Only speaking from my experiences here.
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Just to clarify. Do you mean total loss of desire for sex or loss of desire for your partner? I see that as two totally different, but equally serious problems. Just wondering because I'm going through something similar and trying to figure it out.
AlteredEgo
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The lack of desire for sex wasn't even something I noticed. My ex didn't ask for it, so it never even occurred to me that for a couple of years I'd lost interest. Then, an endocrinologist began fixing some problems, and BAM! I was super horny again all the time. The problem was, I was immediately reminded that I married a man who always said no. We only ever had sex when he wanted to initiate, so we only ever had sex two or three times a year. When we did, it was always EXACTLY the same, step by step. It was a good routine, but it was very routine, and too infrequent.
I tried everything I could imagine. I was nicer to his asshole parents even though they always treated me with disdain. I perfected homemaking to the point that his acquaintances and colleagues openly admitted they envied his life with me. He couldn't name one person with a more dedicated, attentive, demonstrative, helpful wife. Rolepaly. Costumes. I pushed him to improve his job satisfaction. I put him in touch with old friends and tried to improve his home life. I befriended his sister so he'd always have her around. I lost weight. I gained weight. I made myself lean, but curvy. I made myself big, and muscular. I got us involved in new hobbies and made us new friends. I went to therapy to work on my bullshit. I tried to get him to do the same. I tried to get him to come to marriage counseling. I tried to get him to help me work on myself by talking about me ty therapist. He wouldnt. So, I asked for an open marriage as a last resort. I just needed to get laid.
The open marriage reminded me who I was. I had lost so much of myself trying to make it work because I really had married my best friend, honestly a better friend than I even deserved, the best man I had ever known. I loved him, I respected him, and I was willing to cut off small pieces of myself in order to honor the promises I made when I married him. I was determined to save our marriage . But, it turns out, I cannot function properly having sex three times a year if my man is next to me every time I turn around. I was so attracted to him, but he always shut down my flirting and said no if I asked outright. I was numb to the constant rejection, and no longer even registering the pain. I literally forgot it hurt. Then I started having regular sex again, and I remembered that it's ridiculously easy to find an enthusiastic partner. It reminded me that a man who is attracted doesn't say no when it is possible to say yes, doesn't mind postponing his current activity in the name of spontaneity, doesn't require me to stick to a script, and initiates on a frequent basis.
I remember when our relationship began to change. My ex had noticed that I no longer flirted with him, nor asked him for sex. (My God, I just this second realized even snuggling was scheduled. Jeezus my marriage sucked. Anyway.) He asked me about it. He also told me at that time that he preferred for three days to pass between my having had sex with an extramarital partner, and him. I tried to correct both of those for a while, but soon gave up. He noticed, and brought those issues up again. My response was to the effect that I wasn't ever going to flirt with him nor attempt to initiate sex with him again. I made it clear that as far as I was concerned, if he wanted to have sex with me, he'd have to let me know, and that there was no chance that it would be three days since my last encounter, because I wasn't going to cut back on sex with others on the extremely unlikely chance that he would come through for me. He pissed me off. I told him to wish in one hand, and jerk off in the other, and see which filled up first. Why the fuck would I continue to subject my ego to his whims when I had a phone full of numbers to dial and get a guaranteed yes? I had a harem of dudes who NEVER said no.
Then, it happened. I began to lose my desire for him.
He always said no. We always had to do it exactly the same way. Little things might change like lighting, or music. If something was truly new, it was always something I didn't really like, something to do with feminizing him. I began to catch on that even things that were not necessarily feminizing were still feminizing in his mind, and he'd do this girl voice that disgusted me. I'm bisexual. If I'd wanted to partner with a woman, I wouldn't have chosen a humongous, hairy man with a deep voice. Still, I gave all of his ideas a try. I fucked him in the ass, I played all the roles. It tried to be patient with the fact that sex was scheduled on the calender, still might not happen, and if it did, we'd start with holding hands in the living room, taking a shower, kissing in the shower, and moving to the bedroom whenever I finally decided to complain about all the cold, hard surfaces. The script.
One night, we went to see a concert. Where we lived at the time was a few miles down the road from the stadium. We knew that what would ordinarily be a 10 minute drive would take hours, literally hours, right after the show. I broke my own rule and propositioned him. I proposed driving in the opposite direction for half a mile, and parking in an abandoned industrial park I'd found, and fooling around in the car until traffic subsided. He called me vulgar. I was never attracted to him again. Also, I gave myself alcohol poisoning immediately and passed out in the bathroom. I think I couldn't deal with that at all.
He has spent years trying to walk back what he said that night, but I know what he said, and I know that's really what he thought. He's not that into me. I get it, finally, even if he doesn't.
Then, I just wondered why. I set him up with a warm, loving, funny, brilliant, spontaneous, exciting gorgeous former beauty queen. If Barbie came to life and was a badass and an attorney,.it would have been this woman. She was interested. He didn't make it happen, even though I had her move in with us, even though she made her interest clear by taking off her clothes during a massage she asked him for, and guiding his hands to her breasts. He claims he wasn't sure what she wanted. I have since assumed he's gay. He says he isn't, but he has had sexual contact with a man and wants to again. Right. Has amazing, beautiful wife, never fucks her, is mixed in with even more amazing, far prettier, very willing woman, never fucks her, sucks off some guy and can't wait to see him again, but sure, sure, he's just bisexual, not gay. I'll believe that when I get tickets to see Icecapades in Hell.
Years before his eventual same-sex encounters, he felt me withdrawing, and began to initiate more often, which is how I came to realize I had no desire for him. I always performed for him, because I was his wife, not because I wanted to, and I no longer enjoyed it. It was more repulsive every time. I complained about it to the guy I was seeing most often, who tried to help me come up with ways to either get into it or tolerate it better. I started to feel nauseated if he kissed me, panicky if he fondled me. The notion of sex with him was a chore, and I was exhausted in advance. I began making excuses. One morning he tried to wake me up with oral sex. I felt him breathing on my vulva and felt violated. I took our dog and left the house for a few hours. When I came back, I knew I would ask for a divorce. When your own husband can't even breathe on you without it feeling like rape, it's time to go.
After I asked for divorce, he initiated counseling for us, finally, after wasting years of my life refusing therapy. It was too late though. I'm not attracted to him. I'm not in love with him. What therapy fixes that?
Also, he's gay. Seriously. Who am I? Kris Jenner? I'm gonna wake up age 60 to a man who wants out because our kids are out of college and he just has to be true to himself? Fuck that, and fuck the men who do that to their wives. I hope there really is a hell so they can all rot in it, and I don't care how unpopular that is among people who've never been the straight spouse or the cis spouse. Everyone always congratulates these assholes for honoring themselves, and no one takes care of the wreckage these pieces of shit leave behind. Honoring themselves? No, they have wives to honor. Bravery would be honoring the life they chose, not wasting some poor woman's entire life. No, no. I had to get out of my marriage before that was me, and before I could harbor more resentment for my ex, who afterall, is my very best friend.
I haven't worked through all of it yet. Maybe when I have rebuilt everything I lost to a failed marriage, I'll get over it. I'm not really angry with him. But I am angry. Really, really angry. I am angry with myself for not seeing it sooner when the writing was on the wall from the beginning, for not listening to the fact that all of my friends thought he was gay, with his parents who won't let him be himself and who treated me like shit until they figured out he's gay and hoped the one woman who didn't see it a mile away wouldn't leave him. I guess a nigger is better than a son-in-law. I'm angry that he didn't know the relationship between love and lust, and didn't know that no matter how much he loves me he'll never be able to manufacture desire for me. I'm angry that it ate up ten years, and that I'm still childless as a result, at age 36. Mostly, I'm just sad. In order that we both could pursue more appropriate, fulfilling lives, I had to hurt him. To be honest, nothing has ever been more painful to me than the sound of his wailing when I asked for the divorce.
Yes. There is a difference between loss of desire, which may have nothing to do with the partner at all, which may be emotionless and coincidental, and loss of desire for the partner.
I tried everything I could imagine. I was nicer to his asshole parents even though they always treated me with disdain. I perfected homemaking to the point that his acquaintances and colleagues openly admitted they envied his life with me. He couldn't name one person with a more dedicated, attentive, demonstrative, helpful wife. Rolepaly. Costumes. I pushed him to improve his job satisfaction. I put him in touch with old friends and tried to improve his home life. I befriended his sister so he'd always have her around. I lost weight. I gained weight. I made myself lean, but curvy. I made myself big, and muscular. I got us involved in new hobbies and made us new friends. I went to therapy to work on my bullshit. I tried to get him to do the same. I tried to get him to come to marriage counseling. I tried to get him to help me work on myself by talking about me ty therapist. He wouldnt. So, I asked for an open marriage as a last resort. I just needed to get laid.
The open marriage reminded me who I was. I had lost so much of myself trying to make it work because I really had married my best friend, honestly a better friend than I even deserved, the best man I had ever known. I loved him, I respected him, and I was willing to cut off small pieces of myself in order to honor the promises I made when I married him. I was determined to save our marriage . But, it turns out, I cannot function properly having sex three times a year if my man is next to me every time I turn around. I was so attracted to him, but he always shut down my flirting and said no if I asked outright. I was numb to the constant rejection, and no longer even registering the pain. I literally forgot it hurt. Then I started having regular sex again, and I remembered that it's ridiculously easy to find an enthusiastic partner. It reminded me that a man who is attracted doesn't say no when it is possible to say yes, doesn't mind postponing his current activity in the name of spontaneity, doesn't require me to stick to a script, and initiates on a frequent basis.
I remember when our relationship began to change. My ex had noticed that I no longer flirted with him, nor asked him for sex. (My God, I just this second realized even snuggling was scheduled. Jeezus my marriage sucked. Anyway.) He asked me about it. He also told me at that time that he preferred for three days to pass between my having had sex with an extramarital partner, and him. I tried to correct both of those for a while, but soon gave up. He noticed, and brought those issues up again. My response was to the effect that I wasn't ever going to flirt with him nor attempt to initiate sex with him again. I made it clear that as far as I was concerned, if he wanted to have sex with me, he'd have to let me know, and that there was no chance that it would be three days since my last encounter, because I wasn't going to cut back on sex with others on the extremely unlikely chance that he would come through for me. He pissed me off. I told him to wish in one hand, and jerk off in the other, and see which filled up first. Why the fuck would I continue to subject my ego to his whims when I had a phone full of numbers to dial and get a guaranteed yes? I had a harem of dudes who NEVER said no.
Then, it happened. I began to lose my desire for him.
He always said no. We always had to do it exactly the same way. Little things might change like lighting, or music. If something was truly new, it was always something I didn't really like, something to do with feminizing him. I began to catch on that even things that were not necessarily feminizing were still feminizing in his mind, and he'd do this girl voice that disgusted me. I'm bisexual. If I'd wanted to partner with a woman, I wouldn't have chosen a humongous, hairy man with a deep voice. Still, I gave all of his ideas a try. I fucked him in the ass, I played all the roles. It tried to be patient with the fact that sex was scheduled on the calender, still might not happen, and if it did, we'd start with holding hands in the living room, taking a shower, kissing in the shower, and moving to the bedroom whenever I finally decided to complain about all the cold, hard surfaces. The script.
One night, we went to see a concert. Where we lived at the time was a few miles down the road from the stadium. We knew that what would ordinarily be a 10 minute drive would take hours, literally hours, right after the show. I broke my own rule and propositioned him. I proposed driving in the opposite direction for half a mile, and parking in an abandoned industrial park I'd found, and fooling around in the car until traffic subsided. He called me vulgar. I was never attracted to him again. Also, I gave myself alcohol poisoning immediately and passed out in the bathroom. I think I couldn't deal with that at all.
He has spent years trying to walk back what he said that night, but I know what he said, and I know that's really what he thought. He's not that into me. I get it, finally, even if he doesn't.
Then, I just wondered why. I set him up with a warm, loving, funny, brilliant, spontaneous, exciting gorgeous former beauty queen. If Barbie came to life and was a badass and an attorney,.it would have been this woman. She was interested. He didn't make it happen, even though I had her move in with us, even though she made her interest clear by taking off her clothes during a massage she asked him for, and guiding his hands to her breasts. He claims he wasn't sure what she wanted. I have since assumed he's gay. He says he isn't, but he has had sexual contact with a man and wants to again. Right. Has amazing, beautiful wife, never fucks her, is mixed in with even more amazing, far prettier, very willing woman, never fucks her, sucks off some guy and can't wait to see him again, but sure, sure, he's just bisexual, not gay. I'll believe that when I get tickets to see Icecapades in Hell.
Years before his eventual same-sex encounters, he felt me withdrawing, and began to initiate more often, which is how I came to realize I had no desire for him. I always performed for him, because I was his wife, not because I wanted to, and I no longer enjoyed it. It was more repulsive every time. I complained about it to the guy I was seeing most often, who tried to help me come up with ways to either get into it or tolerate it better. I started to feel nauseated if he kissed me, panicky if he fondled me. The notion of sex with him was a chore, and I was exhausted in advance. I began making excuses. One morning he tried to wake me up with oral sex. I felt him breathing on my vulva and felt violated. I took our dog and left the house for a few hours. When I came back, I knew I would ask for a divorce. When your own husband can't even breathe on you without it feeling like rape, it's time to go.
After I asked for divorce, he initiated counseling for us, finally, after wasting years of my life refusing therapy. It was too late though. I'm not attracted to him. I'm not in love with him. What therapy fixes that?
Also, he's gay. Seriously. Who am I? Kris Jenner? I'm gonna wake up age 60 to a man who wants out because our kids are out of college and he just has to be true to himself? Fuck that, and fuck the men who do that to their wives. I hope there really is a hell so they can all rot in it, and I don't care how unpopular that is among people who've never been the straight spouse or the cis spouse. Everyone always congratulates these assholes for honoring themselves, and no one takes care of the wreckage these pieces of shit leave behind. Honoring themselves? No, they have wives to honor. Bravery would be honoring the life they chose, not wasting some poor woman's entire life. No, no. I had to get out of my marriage before that was me, and before I could harbor more resentment for my ex, who afterall, is my very best friend.
I haven't worked through all of it yet. Maybe when I have rebuilt everything I lost to a failed marriage, I'll get over it. I'm not really angry with him. But I am angry. Really, really angry. I am angry with myself for not seeing it sooner when the writing was on the wall from the beginning, for not listening to the fact that all of my friends thought he was gay, with his parents who won't let him be himself and who treated me like shit until they figured out he's gay and hoped the one woman who didn't see it a mile away wouldn't leave him. I guess a nigger is better than a son-in-law. I'm angry that he didn't know the relationship between love and lust, and didn't know that no matter how much he loves me he'll never be able to manufacture desire for me. I'm angry that it ate up ten years, and that I'm still childless as a result, at age 36. Mostly, I'm just sad. In order that we both could pursue more appropriate, fulfilling lives, I had to hurt him. To be honest, nothing has ever been more painful to me than the sound of his wailing when I asked for the divorce.
Yes. There is a difference between loss of desire, which may have nothing to do with the partner at all, which may be emotionless and coincidental, and loss of desire for the partner.
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Wow, thank you for sharing that with us. I'm sorry you had to go through that and hope that you find happiness. I'm going to reread your post a couple more times because there are some similarities to my situation and l think you have given me a lot to think about. I will take part of the blame for our problems, the biggest being that I am not trying hard enough to make things right. I don't know that I can go through everything that you did, but I need to put more effort into making her feel good about herself and ensure her that I do desire her.
Can anyone become bored with sex? Absolutely! I have. He has. And we took it as a sign, a sign that it's time to pay attention.
You know how you resign yourself to get up on Mondays and get ready for work? You go through the motions. When sex gets like that it's no longer an intimate experience. And without intimacy sex becomes a chore. It's really no different that masturbation at that point, and if I'm going to rub one out might I'd rather be alone.
But there is a secret about sexual intimacy that I will share with you, but it can be very difficult for some people: communicate, actually talk to your partner. Find out what she wants, or actually what she doesn't want. She probably doesn't want the same old same old. That doesn't mean you'll never do the same old, but just not all the time.
Increase your sexual vocabulary - mix it up. Expand your horizons. Find out her fantasies and try to make them happen. Sometimes it's just the attempt that's all it takes.
Until I was 30 I thought sex was very basic - fun but basic. Then a whole new world opened up because I opened up. I realized I never had a partner that I could actually talk about such things with. Who knew that you could actually talk about sex with someone you get naked with?
Talk! And then make the effort. Sex comes easy. Sexual intimacy requires work.
You know how you resign yourself to get up on Mondays and get ready for work? You go through the motions. When sex gets like that it's no longer an intimate experience. And without intimacy sex becomes a chore. It's really no different that masturbation at that point, and if I'm going to rub one out might I'd rather be alone.
But there is a secret about sexual intimacy that I will share with you, but it can be very difficult for some people: communicate, actually talk to your partner. Find out what she wants, or actually what she doesn't want. She probably doesn't want the same old same old. That doesn't mean you'll never do the same old, but just not all the time.
Increase your sexual vocabulary - mix it up. Expand your horizons. Find out her fantasies and try to make them happen. Sometimes it's just the attempt that's all it takes.
Until I was 30 I thought sex was very basic - fun but basic. Then a whole new world opened up because I opened up. I realized I never had a partner that I could actually talk about such things with. Who knew that you could actually talk about sex with someone you get naked with?
Talk! And then make the effort. Sex comes easy. Sexual intimacy requires work.
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Hugs, a thousand hugs. A thousand unscheduled hugs.
MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK
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Sometimes the loss of desire isn't always reflexive and/or voluntary; it can originate from psychological and /or biological changes for men. I found that out from this girl who was in a psyche class for treating sexual problems
Sometimes saying sex is boring can mean there is an underlying reason for unhappiness.
I remember saying this myself in the past. When in actual fact I was not happy with the relationship as a whole. It is a difficult situation when you try to "fix" a relationship, yet the other person does not notice your attempts to do so.
It's at this point there is very little intimate communication. When this happens people drift apart. Relationships become very hard to mend when excitement and involvement, not just sexual, wains.
Sometimes things can be placed back on the road to mending by simply sitting down over a coffee or drink, looking into their eyes and asking.
I remember saying this myself in the past. When in actual fact I was not happy with the relationship as a whole. It is a difficult situation when you try to "fix" a relationship, yet the other person does not notice your attempts to do so.
It's at this point there is very little intimate communication. When this happens people drift apart. Relationships become very hard to mend when excitement and involvement, not just sexual, wains.
Sometimes things can be placed back on the road to mending by simply sitting down over a coffee or drink, looking into their eyes and asking.
Exactly. That's why I think loss of desire is more internal where boredom is more external... You can fix boredom.... Loss of desire is harder... I only know this from my relationship.
I'm sure it can be argued as others have had different experiences.
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Make an effort to make the sex less boring?
So, any ideas?
Input? "#5 is Alive" . ( that quote is probably before your time nailz )
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use your imaginationSo, any ideas?
-dress up, go on a formal date that ends with "date style" sex
-go do some physical activity together that preferably ends in a hotel room/tent/cabin/sleeping bag
-go to a sex shop together
-watch some tutorials from Kink University together (or alone and surprise your partner)
-work out together, exercise gets most people horny. shower together.
-be more aggressive and dominating in bed. have you spanked your partner yet?
-let your partner be the dominant one in bed. you may be surprised at what this brings out of the shyest people
-tie your partner up, or have them tie you up
-have sex (or just be naughty) someplace risky like an elevator or doorway or park bench
-each of you pick out some porn and watch it together (this might give you some clues about what your partner wants)
-send risque texts to each other, especially when you know they're in a meeting, at their parents, etc
-titillate your partner and then leave them wanting more (so many ways to do this)
Most people are pretty uninspired in bed, but it's not a terminal condition
