XGX. Fuck that sucks. I have a feeling for what you must be going through right now.
What would I do if..?
I was diagnosed with an intestinal tumor six years ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Nothing prepares you for news like that. My doctors saw a huge lump on the MRI results and said they wanted to go in and cut it out the next morning. Which they did. It turned out to be an abscessed appendix which had grown to the size of my fist, and was non-malignant.
While I was very lucky that it was not cancer, the diagnoses and the 12 hours before the operation and the 2 day wait for the biopsy results, were the most nerve wracking of my life. It was an emotional train wreck for me and my family. I was really in a state of shock at first. My wife and I went for a drive after the surgeon told us the plan. We mostly just cried. I phoned a couple of doctor friends and they told me not to screw around, do what the hospital said. Which was that with intestinal cancer, they want to cut it out a soon as possible and then do chemo or radiation after.
I had what I can only call a powerful spiritual experience that night in the hospital. I won't explain it here, but using the teachings I received from a Buddhist guru, I had the most profound meditation I have ever had.
My heart goes out to you and you are in my thoughts.