What would you do?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by alan_b, Dec 7, 2010.

  1. alan_b

    alan_b Member

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    Right, I need somewhere to let off some steam so please give me some honest advice guys, I need it from people I dont know!

    If your partner was currently out at a pub (in the middle of no-where) with his x and a few mutual friends, then went back to stay at his place (drunk), how would you feel?

    Ill add that this isnt the first time, and this only occurs mid-week when Ive to be in work at 8am the next day, 40 miles away.

    Oh, can I further add that his ex recently told him he is still in love with him.

    Christ my head is spinning cause of this. Ive been seeing the lad for 8 months now and we just got back together, after I couldnt decide if I wanted the relationship or not (thats the short version). Now he will always be a very special mate, and ill always be there for him to talk to etc, but Im getting the feeling that im going to have to end it for good this time. I hate thinking about it but at the end of the day Ive said to him before its not on, but he just doesnt consider how it makes me feel!

    To be fair the relationship has gone sour over the last few months, I used to really love him and wanted to do everything with him, but now I just dont get that same feeling I used to, and this whole thing really isnt helping.

    Advice?
     
  2. B_mitchymo

    B_mitchymo New Member

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    You don't trust him. (reason to or not)
    You say yourself you don't feel like you used to.

    I think you already know what the outcome will be.
     
  3. luka82

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    Hell, I wouldn`t trust him as well.
    Give me a break-The ex told him he is still in love with him. If I were your bf, out of respect for you, I would stop seeing my ex who said he was still in love with me.
     
  4. alan_b

    alan_b Member

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    He said he would a few weeks ago, but then this :S

    I do and dont have my mind made up. One minute I think we should try really hard and make it work, cause I really care about him and want us to be happy, and then the next I think why am I still in this?

    Its a confusing place to be. I wonder is being straight easier lol
     
  5. D_John Handcock

    D_John Handcock Account Disabled

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    Hello brother... dont stress yourself. If its not feeling right to you - end it. We only have a limited time on this planet, so make the most out life.

    I'd rather be happy by myself then stressed with head spinning just to be with somebody.

    We all deserve to be happy! That means you Alan_b!
     
  6. bigsby112

    bigsby112 Member

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    The guys here are right. You already know what the outcome will be here.
     
  7. helgaleena

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    Unless you can stomach his tomcat nature, get away. Let him close only for flings, if at all, henceforth. He is simply not a monogamous type, despite whatever he may profess to get you into bed.
     
  8. alan_b

    alan_b Member

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    I genuinely dont believe he would cheat on me, but I cant help the feelings of mis-trust. The fella he is out with warned him off me at the start of our relationship, so I know he isnt good news.
     
  9. helgaleena

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    If you do not believe he is cheating, why are you upset with him? Is it other factors than the friendship with exes? Many people are simply friendly with everyone they ever dated.

    Whatever the answer, you see a problem, so identify it precisely...
     
  10. alan_b

    alan_b Member

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    Oh I 100% admit that I dont trust the Ex, seeing as I known him longer than him, and know what he is like. But then again, people do stupid things when they have had a few scoops!

    It doesnt help I guess that N.I. has a very small gay community where everyone knows each other.

    Its so hard to pinpoint why you are unhappy sometimes.
     
  11. jerryhall

    jerryhall New Member

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    There is no way you can determine if he is cheating on your or not. But you DO KNOW how comfortable you are with this situation, and that is all that matters.

    If you can't set boundaries with your partner so that you are comfortable and happy in the relationship, then you are not going to want to move forward.

    I suggest you set some parameters with him that will help you improve how you feel about the relationship, including putting a stop to the ambiguity about the ex. Tell him you aren't comfortable with that and you need for it to stop.

    Likewise, think about other problems you have with him and bring those up too, don't be afraid, be honest, and maybe you two can work those out.

    If you can't get anywhere with that, then I think you know what you need to to.
     
  12. helgaleena

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    Yes, the main thing is to determine whether the problem is fixable or not, BY YOU. In a relationship it is never fair to ask someone to change themselves. That includes yourself. If it is a problem that arises from the way you are yourself, you simply will have to agree to be the two different animals you are.

    I have stayed in relationships that were not ideal simply because they were convenient and tolerable. That has its charms too! but when they quit being tolerable it's time to jump.
     
  13. nudeyorker

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    There are a couple of ways to go. If you truly want to repair the relationship and move forward with him, tell him how you feel about him seeing the ex and say that's it's uncomfortable and causing new issues that are driving you apart. Then really work on getting the relationship back on track and maybe he won't want the solace that the ex has to offer.
    Or if you determine that the relationship is not what you want going forward then be honest with him and yourself so that you both can pursue what is missing in your lives.
     
  14. maxcok

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    I think this is what you want to believe. I think you're rationalizing.

    I see no future in this. Respect yourself. Dump him, and move on.
     
  15. Pitbull

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    If he is not cheating
    He should avoid the appearance of impropriety.

    So he at the least, inconsiderate of your feelings.
    At worst, inconsiderate of your feelings and a cheat.

    Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is treating you like this early on in a relationship that you have just resumed?
    If so, it will only get worse.
     
  16. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Personally, I wouldn't be the slightest bit bothered if a partner was doing this. Why should they not be able to go out and get drunk with friends and an ex? So what if the ex still loves him. His behaviour is his own, and if he loves you he won't respond to the ex's moves.

    But if you aren't happy in the relationship, you should leave him.
     
  17. helgaleena

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    Well expressed, subgirrl ! The OP is bothered by something, even if he isn't sure exactly what. Unhappy is never to be prolonged if there is a choice, and he has one.
     
  18. Pitbull

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    I would think the problem arises not from going out.
    I highlighted what I see as problem causing behavior.

     
  19. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Thanks :smile:


    *shrug* The stuff you highlighted wouldn't be a problem for me. I've always trusted my partners and knew they wouldn't cheat. If I didn't trust them that much, I wouldn't be with them. So maybe there's the OP's answer.

    And maybe I have an unusual perspective. I stayed friends with one of my exes for years. He remained in love with me for years. We'd get drunk together and hug goodnight and he'd stay at my place and that was it. The fact that he loved me, didn't force me to fall into bed with him again. I was in control of my own behaviour. Fucking him again wasn't right, so I didn't do it. *shrug*

    Nice to see you again BTW :smile::smile::smile:
     
  20. Pitbull

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    Nice to see you too.:smile::smile::smile:

    Well there is trust and there is pushing that trust to the limit and maybe beyond.

    There are reasons why one might be uncomfortable in such as situation, such as it occurred before with someone different or a good friend had a similar experience.

    I still think in most cases it is not a wise thing to do if it can be avoided.
    And once - maybe.
    Multiple times - doesn't pass Pitbull's sniff test :mad:
     
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