What Would You Do?

erpap

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What would you do if you found out your partner was online chatting and jerking off with others behind your back?

And what would do if he said he wouldn’t do it anymore but does?

And what would you do if it was a long term relationship that was lacking in the sex department for many, many years and found out your partner was online chatting without your knowledge?
 
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MancmanMatt

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If he was giving me all the attention I wanted/treated me right, and we were having as much sex as I wanted, then I wouldn't really mind. If all he's doing is talking to guys and jerking off with them, this isn't that much different from him going on chaturbate and getting friendly with the models.

The trouble comes when that's not the case.

You're in a sexless relationship. The question then becomes is he chatting/jerking with other guys for release in a situation where sex isn't happening, or is he choosing to do that instead of having sex with you.

It sounds like you are wanting to have sex with your boyfriend but aren't getting any. Then to find out he's jerking/chatting with other guys? I would be annoyed. If my boyfriend didn't want to have sex with me any more, but I wanted to have sex with him, then it would be over. At least that's the way I feel at this current point in my life.
 

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The online stuff is the symptom, not the problem.

You both need to address why your relationship isn't working but if you both can't or aren't willing then you should move on.

His issue may not even be about you. So, keep an open mind, let him speak without consequence and see if it's something that can be worked on.
 

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What would you do if you found out your partner was online chatting and jerking off with others behind your back?

And what would do if he said he wouldn’t do it anymore but does?

And what would you do if it was a long term relationship that was lacking in the sex department for many, many years and found out your partner was online chatting without your knowledge?

if you’re in a relationship that question should be “what should WE do?”

Only the two of you can come to a solution together. It’s never one sided. And if that solution doesn’t suit either of you then part ways.
 
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erpap

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If he was giving me all the attention I wanted/treated me right, and we were having as much sex as I wanted, then I wouldn't really mind. If all he's doing is talking to guys and jerking off with them, this isn't that much different from him going on chaturbate and getting friendly with the models.

The trouble comes when that's not the case.

You're in a sexless relationship. The question then becomes is he chatting/jerking with other guys for release in a situation where sex isn't happening, or is he choosing to do that instead of having sex with you.

It sounds like you are wanting to have sex with your boyfriend but aren't getting any. Then to find out he's jerking/chatting with other guys? I would be annoyed. If my boyfriend didn't want to have sex with me any more, but I wanted to have sex with him, then it would be over. At least that's the way I feel at this current point in my life.
Over the years we both pushed each other way for different reasons. We have been talking, cut to the finish line he felt I had no interest in him (not true, and I told him not true) my insecurities pushed me away from him. I told him over the years I had watched porn, chatted but with never the intention to meet. Just to get off. He is telling me he was coming from the same place. The fucked up thing I never created a profile on a hook up site and he posted a pic of himself and filled out profiles. Things I never did and that has left me hurt and wondering what he really wants. Says he is not going to them any more. So why hasn’t he deactivated them? So many questions running through my mind.
 

erpap

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If he was giving me all the attention I wanted/treated me right, and we were having as much sex as I wanted, then I wouldn't really mind. If all he's doing is talking to guys and jerking off with them, this isn't that much different from him going on chaturbate and getting friendly with the models.

The trouble comes when that's not the case.

You're in a sexless relationship. The question then becomes is he chatting/jerking with other guys for release in a situation where sex isn't happening, or is he choosing to do that instead of having sex with you.

It sounds like you are wanting to have sex with your boyfriend but aren't getting any. Then to find out he's jerking/chatting with other guys? I would be annoyed. If my boyfriend didn't want to have sex with me any more, but I wanted to have sex with him, then it would be over. At least that's the way I feel at this current point in my life.
Thank you!
 

erpap

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The online stuff is the symptom, not the problem.

You both need to address why your relationship isn't working but if you both can't or aren't willing then you should move on.

His issue may not even be about you. So, keep an open mind, let him speak without consequence and see if it's something that can be worked on.
We have been having open talks, and even started to hold hands, kiss, touch, and slowly moved towards sex. But I’m having issues wondering why he created profiles with his pic and information. Was it just needing to feel human, wanted?
 

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What would you do if you found out your partner was online chatting and jerking off with others behind your back?

And what would do if he said he wouldn’t do it anymore but does?

And what would you do if it was a long term relationship that was lacking in the sex department for many, many years and found out your partner was online chatting without your knowledge?
Be grateful it wasn't in the flesh, hands on.
 

OctoGun

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We have been having open talks, and even started to hold hands, kiss, touch, and slowly moved towards sex. But I’m having issues wondering why he created profiles with his pic and information. Was it just needing to feel human, wanted?

i think if he made a profile he probably wanted to meet, and maybe even has met people already. That may not even be the first profile.

I’m speaking from a similar experience - a long time ago my partner went on vacation I found a profile of his on our computer. He said it was just a one off. He was just curious etc.

I later typed the username into Google and found another 3 profiles on different sites, all using different photos of him and even one had the location changed to a different city where he often worked.

So to me it was clear it was more than a one off, and he had probably met people. Despite him claiming otherwise. I think the same might apply to you. The signals are the same.

I guess the thing now is rebuilding trust together. Exploring together. Or deciding to cut ties if you can’t handle the hurt
 

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i think if he made a profile he probably wanted to meet, and maybe even has met people already. That may not even be the first profile.

I’m speaking from a similar experience - a long time ago my partner went on vacation I found a profile of his on our computer. He said it was just a one off. He was just curious etc.

I later typed the username into Google and found another 3 profiles on different sites, all using different photos of him and even one had the location changed to a different city where he often worked.

So to me it was clear it was more than a one off, and he had probably met people. Despite him claiming otherwise. I think the same might apply to you. The signals are the same.

I guess the thing now is rebuilding trust together. Exploring together. Or deciding to cut ties if you can’t handle the hurt
I tried putting the user name into Google. Nothing came up and I have seen his profiles on two sites.
 

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I wouldn't necessarily equate a guy having profiles to him having cheated. If I wanted to talk to guys for the purpose of trading pictures and jerking off together I'd create profiles too. How else are you supposed to do it?

I hear you entirely on the front of getting to a point where neither one of you knows if the other wants to have sex. And instead of talking about it you both choose to get off using the internet and then everything stagnates.

The fact you had both let things get to the point where you didn't kiss each other or even hold hands, as a natural part of your day, speaks volumes about the dysfunction in your relationship.

Sometimes relationship go through things like this and then when you both reapply yourselves to the relationship you end up having what could be called your second serious relationship but with the same partner. Communication has clearly been an issue for both of you but it looks like you're taking the right steps to address this.

Neither of you will be the same people that you were when you first fell in love and it sounds like you both need to take the time to get to know one another again. The best outcome is that you fall back in love with one another. The opposite could also happen but there's no chance of the first one happening unless you try.

If he's willing and is putting in the effort this is wonderful. Others have implied that he may have cheated but let's be honest does that really matter? If you're going to get paranoid you can choose to think he's lying even if he's hasn't cheated and he's telling the truth. Not believing him when he says he hasn't cheated is as much of a problem as him potentially lying. But even if he has cheated he may have lied because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings rather than anything else. Some people might prefer he admits to cheating even if he hasn't! Because then you feel like you can move on from it.

The point is your relationship has had problems but you both seem quite willing to try and fix it. This is what's important in my opinion. Both of you are going to have to let go of things from the past in order to move on.

Depending on how far you've drifted apart it might even be worth going on dates again with one another. This doesn't have to be anything big, just going for a walk around the local park together, planning on eating together as a rule. Doing the household chores together. Choosing a show to watch together on Netflix but making sure that you cuddle and express affection for one another as you do it.

Some people have real trouble saying things like I love you but that doesn't mean that they don't. Sometimes it takes finding something else to express that. I read about one couple where the husband never said I love you to his wife but then they introduced a gesture where if he squeezed her three times on the shoulder it meant I love you. And after that he said it all the time.
 
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Brodie888

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We have been having open talks, and even started to hold hands, kiss, touch, and slowly moved towards sex. But I’m having issues wondering why he created profiles with his pic and information. Was it just needing to feel human, wanted?

Because of your communication problems, his feelings towards you were such that he couldn't connect with you in a way that allowed him to get his needs met. So he may have been fantasizing about meeting those needs elsewhere or even crossing that line.

Now.... you can either prosecute/interogate him for crossing that line in which case he'll probably get defensive and things will probably go bad or you can try to find and fix why he lost that closeness to you. My advice is that the past is the past and this issue will go away if you address the underlying problem anyway.

Sometimes those things are unresolvable and are of no fault of your own and you have to break the relationship. But sometimes these things can be worked through and work out for the best.

Getting professional counseling may be helpful in allowing you to communicate on the same level.
 
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erpap

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And if he told you he wasn’t on those sites any more but you went on to check and came across a different profile that made you go hmmm. And you reached out to that profile and the pic that came back was his?
 

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And if he told you he wasn’t on those sites any more but you went on to check and came across a different profile that made you go hmmm. And you reached out to that profile and the pic that came back was his?
Talk to him about it. Tell him you don't feel like he is telling you the truth. Show him with the evidence and ask him for an answer. I wouldn't be confrontational about it, I would be polite with the questions. But let him know you are scared of what is going on. As long as you have been together, he owes you an explanation. I'm sorry you are going through this.
 
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ladukbi2820

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I have found my parent on many sites so I do same I love looking and chatting to other guys
 

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And if he told you he wasn’t on those sites any more but you went on to check and came across a different profile that made you go hmmm. And you reached out to that profile and the pic that came back was his?

I would ask him if he's using those sites again. If he said no, then I'd show him the proof then tell him to pack his bags and get out.

Because if he's just going to lie and lie, the only thing talking to him will do is make him a better liar.

I wouldn't be surprised if he turns around and says it's not him, someone is using his pics from before to catfish.
 
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Maybe be open and compassionate about his lack of interest and see what the underlying issue might be?

But also, *devil horns* maybe let him know that if he sees it as fair for him to be doing these things, that maybe you could be having your own fun on the side, and see how he reacts? After all, what is good for the goose, is good for the gander.

Problematic as it may be, IMO sexual expressions are personal to the self, so it's a little complicated to be claiming possession over someone else's expression. Especially if it's confined to the online realm (I think it's barely different from jerking off - Ive seen some people get possessive about that too, but I think most would agree that that's really unreasonable).

Taking all of this into account brings up my first point, if you dont want to open things up, and if we can observe that solo sex (even with a phone in your hand) is different than sex you have together, then the key here is to address why things have dwindled down between you. Sometimes it just happens, and there are a myriad of solutions to this, but whatever they might be, communication is the only thing that will get you out of the dilemma.
 
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Brodie888

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I wonder if people who are calmly confronted with something like this will they lie out of being caught or embarrassed?

Men, gay or straight who cheat on their partners is common occurrence. It's something that can be repaired if both parties are willing but it's also very common that one partner is invested more than the other and that's the tragedy.

Trust is something very hard to earn back. Some have said the answer is to open the relationship but I only agree with that if those are the terms set from the beginning or at a point of reconciliation. I don't think your partner is at that point if he is continuing to lie. So even if you had an open relationship, he can't be trusted to stick to the rules and all that has happened is that you've sacrificed your principles for him to abuse you even more.