What Would You Do?

hornygamer89

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I read this article of two male beast friends having a unique situation. One came out of the closet that to the other, and confessed his feelings for his friend. The straight friend told him that he wasn’t into dudes and they went about their lives. The gay dude then proceeded to get a complete sex change, which looked like a complete female, If you were unaware of the situation. The he asked his friend on a date with his transformation, not knowing he agreed. They ended up getting serious and getting engaged and the now trans dude confessed to who he was, the other dude agreed to stay with him because he fell in love with his now trans friend.

So I have a two questions, one if this happened to you, what would your response be?

Second, what if you found this amazing chick that you could not tell was originally a man, and things progressed into a relationship, to only find out that this now trans was originally a man? I can see this happening to unsuspected people thinking it’s a actual female. What are your thoughts about this?

I personally think they should disclose this information. Not knowing that I was dating a trans man would piss me off to find out later, in which case I would end it.
 

Sagittarius84

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Personally I would prefer disclosure prior to any physical non-sexual intimacy. I don't see my self getting especially angry about it as long as disclosure was given prior to sexual intimacy. Serious relationship to the point of engagement entails a path of deception to which I no longer want you in my presence nor communication.
 

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I read this article of two male beast friends having a unique situation. One came out of the closet that to the other, and confessed his feelings for his friend. The straight friend told him that he wasn’t into dudes and they went about their lives. The gay dude then proceeded to get a complete sex change, which looked like a complete female, If you were unaware of the situation. The he asked his friend on a date with his transformation, not knowing he agreed. They ended up getting serious and getting engaged and the now trans dude confessed to who he was, the other dude agreed to stay with him because he fell in love with his now trans friend.

So I have a two questions, one if this happened to you, what would your response be?

Second, what if you found this amazing chick that you could not tell was originally a man, and things progressed into a relationship, to only find out that this now trans was originally a man? I can see this happening to unsuspected people thinking it’s a actual female. What are your thoughts about this?

I personally think they should disclose this information. Not knowing that I was dating a trans man would piss me off to find out later, in which case I would end it.
No matter what, a relationship built on lies will never be healthy. And you truly like or potentially love someone, you would not need to deceive them like that an play mental gymnastics with them. If he changes his mind after the transition then cool, but that’s a shit move to wait until feelings run deep before letting them know.
 
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Frozen Heart

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I respect lgbtqia+ ppl. I respect them so much that I really don't care about them. And by that I mean they are like any other person to me. I will treat them as anyone else.

I never cared when a gay guy or a trans person flirted with me (yeah, both have happened to me already). How ppl feel about their sexuality or as a person is a private matter UNLESS it affects me. When I say I am straight, I mean that I will date only cis women. Not gay guys, not trans women. I respect how trans women feel about themselves and I hope they can respect me in return.

Now, trans ppl are free to date any person they desire like anyone else, but they have to respect the limits of other ppl. Respect is a two-way street.
 

Sagittarius84

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trans people don´t have to disclose before casual sex, they are not deceiving anyone, this train of thought is honestly transphobic. I know this isn´t my place but It´s problematic.
It's not a mandate nor a law, it's an opinion and personal preference for my own agency.
Given the emotional and unfortunately possibly physical consequences that can come from disclosure after sex, I think it is in a Trans individuals collective best interests to disclose to their hetero cis lovers and much more conducive to healthy relationships later on.
 

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Not to question the validity of this supposed article but I'd actually like to read it myself. If they were actually best friends as you say I don't know how they would just disappear from their friends life and then transition, that would be something you would share with your closest friend.

Another question is did this person transition because they were rejected as a man or was it something that just happened. Because if it was from the rejection then there is something deeply wrong with that it sounds like deep manipulation.
 

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trans people don´t have to disclose before casual sex, they are not deceiving anyone, this train of thought is honestly transphobic. I know this isn´t my place but It´s problematic.
How is that transphobic exactly?
trans people don´t have to disclose before casual sex, they are not deceiving anyone, this train of thought is honestly transphobic. I know this isn´t my place but It´s problematic.
How is it Trans phobic if you don't want to end up in bed with someone you was your homeboy? And as straight male. I am sure that many of us care for if the person we are sleeping with was born a man.
 

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So you say if a woman rejects me because I’m not a pirate I should get a ship, loose one eye and leg and come back?
This “friend” broke perhaps the only rule, accept the reject and move on.
The degree of obsession is unhealthy beyond measure and based on a big lie with the info of the person that once pretended to be your friend.
You don’t expect of such level of betrayal from a friend.
On this far fetched scenario I will cut all link with this person and perhaps shut everybody else.
On the person that got transformed side there is a risky to base all on another person choice, not because it’s a woman now I must like her or love her. On the years missing transforming he might get engaged with another woman.
 

Sagittarius84

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How is that transphobic exactly?

How is it Trans phobic if you don't want to end up in bed with someone you was your homeboy? And as straight male. I am sure that many of us care for if the person we are sleeping with was born a man.
It's not, if anything it's more akin to an aversion to paternal miscegnation, wherein expectant mothers are not societally nor legally obligated to disclose to the purported father the identity of the biological father(if different) but we still collectively perceive it as a fraudulent or deceptive practice after the fact if found out.
 

Chiballana

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It's not, if anything it's more akin to an aversion to paternal miscegnation, wherein expectant mothers are not societally nor legally obligated to disclose to the purported father the identity of the biological father(if different) but we still collectively perceive it as a fraudulent or deceptive practice after the fact if found out.

trans women aren´t fake and their supposed "obligation to disclose" is based on transphobia, at least when they are post op. I would think pre op is a different scenario altogether so I won´t argue that. Besides, unless your partner has an STD, it´s unreasonable to expect them to disclose such personal history for casual sex or a one night stand. Although in order for a healthy relationship to develop events that have shaped your life in such a profound way should be discussed, I don´t think trans people should bear the onus of disclosing immediately and exposing themselves in such a vulnerable way in a transphobic society. If some men find the prospect of having sex with a woman who was once a man so distasteful, I would suggest that they refrain from casual sex altogether, lest they find themselves in such a situation.
 

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I respect lgbtqia+ ppl. I respect them so much that I really don't care about them. And by that I mean they are like any other person to me. I will treat them as anyone else.

I never cared when a gay guy or a trans person flirted with me (yeah, both have happened to me already). How ppl feel about their sexuality or as a person is a private matter UNLESS it affects me. When I say I am straight, I mean that I will date only cis women. Not gay guys, not trans women. I respect how trans women feel about themselves and I hope they can respect me in return.

Now, trans ppl are free to date any person they desire like anyone else, but they have to respect the limits of other ppl. Respect is a two-way street.

I shouldn´t have to say this but gay guys and trans women are very different, they´re not the same so I´m not sure why you´re talking about them as if they are. Maybe that´s how you perceive them, what do I know.
 

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I shouldn´t have to say this but gay guys and trans women are very different, they´re not the same so I´m not sure why you´re talking about them as if they are. Maybe that´s how you perceive them, what do I know.
I never said or implied that they were the same. I talked about mutual respect and personal limits.
 

Sagittarius84

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trans women aren´t fake and their supposed "obligation to disclose" is based on transphobia, at least when they are post op. I would think pre op is a different scenario altogether so I won´t argue that. Besides, unless your partner has an STD, it´s unreasonable to expect them to disclose such personal history for casual sex or a one night stand. Although in order for a healthy relationship to develop events that have shaped your life in such a profound way should be discussed, I don´t think trans people should bear the onus of disclosing immediately and exposing themselves in such a vulnerable way in a transphobic society. If some men find the prospect of having sex with a woman who was once a man so distasteful, I would suggest that they refrain from casual sex altogether, lest they find themselves in such a situation.
So, as per my simile, I'll reiterate: there is no obligation to disclose, but frankly that follows the same reality of women not necessarily being obligated to disclose to a purported father the biological origin of their child, no matter the multitude of reasons(most often well meaning) one would opt not to do so. Perhaps my assessment rubs you the wrong way because of some other assumption; an immediate correlation between deception and malevolence, to which I say doesn't necessarily exist.
But I will say that if you are unable or unwilling to disclose to a party your post or pre op status as a trans person due to some fear of vulnerability or exposure, then perhaps that is a sign that you are not ready to engage in casual sex and be subject to the choice and selectivity of others.
 
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Chiballana

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So, as per my simile, I'll reiterate: there is no obligation to disclose, but frankly that follows the same reality of women not necessarily being obligated to disclose to a purported father the biological origin of their child, no matter the multitude of reasons(most often well meaning) one would opt not to do so. Perhaps my assessment rubs you the wrong way because of some other assumption; an immediate correlation between deception and malevolence, to which I say doesn't necessarily exist.
But I will say that if you are unable or unwilling to disclose to a party your post or pre op status as a trans person due to some fear of vulnerability or exposure, then perhaps that is a sign that you are not ready to engage in casual sex and be subject to the choice and selectivity of others.


I don´t think that being unwilling to disclose your trans status to prospective sexual partners means you´re not ready to engage in casual sex, many post op trans people don´t think there´s anything to disclose (except maybe for romantic relationships). Even though many people care because of their perception of trans people or closely held beliefs, it would be akin to expecting former drug addicts, individuals with a criminal history, divorced people or sterile individuals (among other examples) to disclose their past history or private affairs. You have to realize that many fully transitioned trans people see themselves as fully women or men and disclosing their past for casual sex would imply they´re not, as well as all the whole "deception" conversation. I´m also aware that most people don´t truly see trans people as the gender they´ve transitioned into so something that seems so simple to them becomes more nuanced for others.

Finally, even though most of them will never face this conundrum, I know of cases where straight men have fallen in love with post op trans women and partnered or stayed with them after she disclosed her past. Some of them didn´t even have such a good initial reaction but "got over it", one could say. Of course these men didn´t really care about having children at that point, otherwise the relationship would have been doomed. This scenario will also remain hypothetical for the vast majority of gynephilic men, considering post op passing trans women are a minority within a minority, but I think few people would know for sure how they would react in such a situation unless it happens to them. I didn´t expect to get so intimate on here but I thought it could show you a peek into a life far removed from what you´re used to and maybe "enlighten" you. Truth is, I know all of this not only because of online forums and the autobiographies of some trans women but also from personal experience, I disclosed to my husband after one month of dating, I continued going out with him after the first date because I felt he was special and different from other guys, he was kind, empathetic and intense. When I told him, he didn´t react badly, I´d say he took it well, even though he was shocked, but it put things on hold for some time while he thought about what I had told him, we only saw each other for sex and talking afterwards but things didn´t feel the same for a few months until he came one night to my place and told me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me. And here we are now. At the time it felt like a fairy tale but it does and can happen. Leaving fertility issues aside, I am aware that my husband and the men who are in partnerships with the aforementioned women are more "evolved" than most, since most straight men wouldn´t probably stay with that person if they found themselves in such a situation. I hope this served as some food for thought or in any case as some interesting reading.
 

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Even though many people care because of their perception of trans people or closely held beliefs, it would be akin to expecting former drug addicts, individuals with a criminal history, divorced people or sterile individuals (among other examples) to disclose their past history or private affairs
But we're talking about obligation here, or at the very least reasonable expectations. I'm on board with not being obligated to disclose preemptively, but in my opinion, exercising said freedom sacrifices your expectations of public non disclosure after the fact if the straight gentleman isn't as evolved as you'd prefer. At the very least if you grant him the agency to make that decision an informed one(to which you implied many straight men are willing to do), is when your expectations that he not disclose to others are that much more reasonable.
What Trans people have in common with former addicts, those with criminal histories, divorced and sterile individuals, I'd even add married people and those with children, is those things are just as subject to justifiable romantic and sexual selectivities as political alignments, tax brackets, religious beliefs. The only reasonable expectation one should have about their personal business not being broadcast to others in when you preemptively give the opportunity for that party to not be entangled in it.
Tell me you're sterile, divorced, Trans, former addict before I'm in a position where that fundamentally affects me(specifically as a result of the possible pair bonding mechanisms inherent to sexual activity) and no one will ever hear why you and I didn't work out. Opt to wait after the fact, or worse, let me find out...then simply embrace the reality that henceforth the answer will be, we didn't work out because I found out she was (blank)...you decide which makes you more vulnerable.
 

Sagittarius84

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Finally, even though most of them will never face this conundrum, I know of cases where straight men have fallen in love with post op trans women and partnered or stayed with them after she disclosed her past. Some of them didn´t even have such a good initial reaction but "got over it", one could say.
Again referring back to my metaphor concerning paternal miscegnation...the misconception by most women is they translate that as an outright aversion to raising another man's offspring when really its the deprivation of choice that is in question.
I've inadvertently probably messed around with plenty of single mothers and found out after the fact, none of them around...one of the few that made it her business to advise me of the child she had and her marital status before we messed around, inspired me to stick around through her divorce and our eventual nuptials, and made the decision to be a stepfather the best it could be in preparation for our own child together.
It's not about you it about the person with who you'd like a relationship and or expect to be socially discreet. You have to give to get, or at least expect.
 

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@Chiballana this is ask straight men and only the op and the last can answer. Please take your discussion with Sagittarius to neutral ground to avoid breaking the therms and rules or generate a new thread yourself with a new question if you have one.