What would YOU do?

[killerb]

Say you have 2 close friends who recently got together. The only problem is, the guy was previously in a 3 year relationship with another man. He partially confessed to the woman before they hooked up, but he left out the details. Shortly after their new relationship started (I'd say within two weeks) the guy ended up cheating on her with his ex. After the third or fourth time, he felt guilty & told her that he "messed up" and asked her to forgive him, which she did. Again, he gave no details.

The worst part is that he has continued to cheat on her with the ex ever since. I know all of this because he told me. After the first time he cheated, I told him that he needed to be totally honest with himself and figure out why he was cheating so early in a relationship.

My question to you all is, should I let her know what's going on or just pretend I don't know anything & stay out of it? It's really hard to see her falling for this guy who is doing this to her.

And before anyone suspects, no I do not want her for myself. These are just close friends.

 

[unabear09]

STAY OUT OF IT! Trust me dude! you don't want to get dragged into this shit. you'll end up loosing both of your friends, and in the end, what you say could be used against you.

 

[SotonDaddy]

Agreed 100% with Unabear! Stay out of it.... it's none of your business. You will end up the loser in that situation. :frown1:

 

[D_Ivana Dickenside]

if i were you i would tell the woman. she doesn't deserve to be treated like crap. although i understand you're trying to be neutral in this situation, and technically it is none of your business, put yourself in her position. if you were being cheated on and one of your friends knew about it, wouldn't you want to hear the truth from them?

 

[Pendlum]

I say don't stay out of it. Go for the quick kill so to speak! And by that I mean, you tell her all you know in one blow and step away as much as possible. And by THAT I mean I'd only console your female friend. I hope that isn't too confusing, but you need limit your involvement after you let out the news. Also don't tell the guy you are going to do it, I think he'd try to pull something, since you are showing your hand. Some may consider it a courtesy, but I consider it opening your female friend for more potential damage.

 

[killerb]

thanks for your replies, everyone - keep them coming!

normally I would stay out of it & not feel guilty about it, but I've known her for a LONG time & she definitely deserves better.

but on the other hand, he is a really close friend, too...and I know that if I tell her, it will destroy him...

this is a horrible situation and will only get worse the closer they get...

 

[Pendlum]

normally I would stay out of it & not feel guilty about it, but I've known her for a LONG time & she definitely deserves better.

but on the other hand, he is a really close friend, too...

this is a horrible situation and will only get worse the closer they get...

Not to be rude, but that doesn't make much sense to be BECAUSE

Would you rather have one friend hate you because you outed him for his obviously wrong behavior?

Or your other friend hating you for not telling her when you've known.

To me the answer is obvious.

 

[D_Ivana Dickenside]

talk to him first and tell him that as a friend, you don't want to see him hurt your other friend, the female. let him know that what he is doing to her is selfish. eventually it's going to hurt all three of you if he doesn't stop cheating or choose to break up with her. in my honest opinion, if you involve yourself in the situation you are going to have to pick a side... no matter how close they both are to you. it's not about loyalties or who is a better friend. it's about being there for your friends and showing that you care.

 

[unabear09]

ok....I want to restate my opinion on this matter. I for the most part still stand by my original post. I don't like getting in peoples business and I don't like people getting in my business. Now all that being said...... If you have been friends with the woman for a lot longer than the guy, you are obligated to tell her. If you don't and she finds out later that you knew and didn't tell her, then you've lost a friend. If you've known the guy longer, but have great respect for the woman, tell her. Your situation (or I guess their situation lol) is kinda unique (or at least it is to me), as it involves a bi/gay man and a straight woman. Some guys would be pissed off at you for awhile for ratting them out for cheating on their girlfriends. If they were truly your friend, and have any type of conscious, they'll get over it, see the error in their ways, and in the end you'll still be buddies. Now if he's not the understanding/intelligent type, well if you rat on him you'll be kicked to the curb, and be better off, as that guy wasn't really your friend to begin with

 

[B_cigarbabe]

He's not much of a friend if he expects you
to keep covering up for him at the woman's expense.
He's not a man he's a miserable little shit!
cigarbabe:saevil:

 

[Principessa]

IMO, Ignore the last thing Stacy wrote she's wrong. Yes, you must tell your female friend the truth of her boyfriends dalliances. Do not give your male friend a heads up.

Know that doing this will destroy your friendship with your male friend and possibly with the female friend as well.

Why are you such good friends with a lying, cheating ho anyway?

I say don't stay out of it. Go for the quick kill so to speak! And by that I mean, you tell her all you know in one blow and step away as much as possible. And by THAT I mean I'd only console your female friend. I hope that isn't too confusing, but you need limit your involvement after you let out the news. Also don't tell the guy you are going to do it, I think he'd try to pull something, since you are showing your hand. Some may consider it a courtesy, but I consider it opening your female friend for more potential damage.

QFT!

thanks for your replies, everyone - keep them coming!

normally I would stay out of it & not feel guilty about it, but I've known her for a LONG time & she definitely deserves better.

FWIW even if he were cheating on her with another woman my advice would be the same.

but on the other hand, he is a really close friend, too...and I know that if I tell her, it will destroy him...

HIM!?!? You think this will destroy him? Why? Because he will finally have to deal with the fact he isn't bi-sexual but gay? Pffft, :yuck: tough noogies. I'd be more worried about her. He has loving arms to run to when the dust settles she doesn't.

this is a horrible situation and will only get worse the closer they get...

Yes, it is and that is exactly why you need to tell her the truth, all of it!.

 

[B_superlarge]

What to do? Well, I wouldn't ask for advice at a forum.

 

[killerb]

IMO, Ignore the last thing Stacy wrote she's wrong. Yes, you must tell your female friend the truth of her boyfriends dalliances. Do not give your male friend a heads up.

Know that doing this will destroy your friendship with your male friend and possibly with the female friend as well.

Why are you such good friends with a lying, cheating ho anyway?

QFT!

thanks for your replies, everyone - keep them coming!

FWIW even if he were cheating on her with another woman my advice would be the same.

HIM!?!? You think this will destroy him? Why? Because he will finally have to deal with the fact he isn't bi-sexual but gay? Pffft, :yuck: tough noogies. I'd be more worried about her. He has loving arms to run to when the dust settles she doesn't.

Yes, it is and that is exactly why you need to tell her the truth, all of it!.

first, I've known the guy for about 5-6 years & up until recently, he's been a really honest & good guy...the way he's been acting recently is surprising to me....the reason I say if I tell it'll destroy him is because I'm his best friend & he confided in me....if tell, I betray him...if I don't, I'm betraying her...this is a lose-lose-lose situation...

I know he's gay & I tried to get him to see it for himself, but he's still in denial...I think he's letting pressure from his family & church push him into keeping this thing going, but maybe I'm wrong....maybe he really does like/love her...but I think he still loves his ex, too...it's a tough spot to be in...

I know she needs to know the truth - I even tried to tell her one night without actually saying the words but that didn't work.

 

[killerb]

What to do? Well, I wouldn't ask for advice at a forum.

why not?

I also asked a couple of friends...

their responses were split...

 

[Pendlum]

first, I've known the guy for about 5-6 years & up until recently, he's been a really honest & good guy...the way he's been acting recently is surprising to me....the reason I say if I tell it'll destroy him is because I'm his best friend & he confided in me....if tell, I betray him...if I don't, I'm betraying her...this is a lose-lose-lose situation...

I know he's gay & I tried to get him to see it for himself, but he's still in denial...I think he's letting pressure from his family & church push him into keeping this thing going, but maybe I'm wrong....maybe he really does like/love her...but I think he still loves his ex, too...it's a tough spot to be in...

I know she needs to know the truth - I even tried to tell her one night without actually saying the words but that didn't work.

If I was in this situation I'd still tell her, even if he was my best friend. Because in my opinion by doing that I'm trying to stop him from self destructive behavior like cheating (at least in this situation it seems to be pretty volatile). If he gives you hell, you need to reaffirm that you did it for both of her and his sake. Since is your best friend it might be okay to give him a heads up, but I still would be weary of it. Give him as little chance, none if possible, to slither in an excuse. You said he is changing, so trusting is still difficult.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, do your best to make him understand, because he is your biggest problem, so to speak.

 

[killerb]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, do your best to make him understand, because he is your biggest problem, so to speak.

thanks...I'm sorry I'm in it too! :frown1:
that's why my solution so far has been to just avoid them as much as possible.

 

[Pendlum]

thanks...I'm sorry I'm in it too! :frown1:
that's why my solution so far has been to just avoid them as much as possible.

Ignoring problems isn't a very good way to solve them though. Anyway, good luck.

 

[B_superlarge]

why not?

I also asked a couple of friends...

their responses were split...

Why not? You said yourself that the answers are split. In other words, how are you going to know who is correct? Or more correct? Most opinions are a dime a dozen. People like to hear themself talk but few are ever really an expert on what they are saying. People hardly research anything indepth and if they ever do a bit they are rarely if ever objective. This a very serious question you're asking. It shouldn't be gambled on.

 

[Pendlum]

Why not? You said yourself that the answers are split. In other words, how are you going to know who is correct? Or more correct? Most opinions are a dime a dozen. People like to hear themself talk but few are ever really an expert on what they are saying. People rarely research anything indepth and if they ever do a bit they are rarely if ever objective. This a very serious question you're asking. It shouldn't be gambled on.

How do you research something like this? :tongue:

 

[killerb]

I just wanted to know what others would do in this situation. I have no intention of taking anyone's reply & acting on it.

I know how serious this is - and that's why it has been so hard to decide what to do....any course of action I take will end in destruction...