What's the Deal Breaker in a Committed Relationship

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deleted556573

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Dishonesty (lying and deceit, etc..) and abuse, above all else.

Cheating....well, that's a complicated issue. My knee-jerk reaction would be "yes, that's a deal breaker". However, I think examining the variables and the entire situation (whether he was honest and forthright about it, or if I caught him in a lie/cover up) would give me a clearer picture as to whether he was kicked to the curb or kept around. The make-or-break point would be to what degree, if any, that lying and deception played a role.

A good friend of mine has a partner that cheated several years ago. Without typing out all the details, this one event actually brought them closer together, as it opened up the lines of communication and forced their unresolved issues to be brought out into the open and dealt with.

Bottom line: I can see both sides of the coin on cheating. Lying and deceit, however, are intolerable and will be dealt with by a kick to the curb.
 

D_Woody_Bush

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Tricky one. You'll never know for sure unless you're confronted with a situation.

I guess with the "big issues" it would definitely have to be violence or some criminal behaviour.

Faithfulness: That all depends what has been agreed on by the partners as ground rules. I'm with my partner 2nd time around: 1st time we had a monogamous relationship but both of us slipped up at times - we talked it over and it was no big deal.
Then we split up but got back together again some years later. This time its an open relationship but neither of us is actually taking advantage of it.

The biggest problem for us are the little, niggly everyday things that keep creeping in so slowly: different standards of cleanliness/tidyness, having very different interests, even very different daily rhythms (I'm an early riser whilst he is a 'nightowl'), differing takes on spirituality, different values etc etc etc.
Many of those differences have evolved over time as we have both developed as individuals. The way, for us, to deal with the differences is to give each other plenty of space and allow each person to pursue their own interests.

However, this means that sometimes it feels as if we're flatmates, rather than partners. Yet neither of us would want to be without the other one - and that to me is the point of commitment: accepting and staying with your partner throughout/because of and despite of the changes every person goes through. :smile:
 

SyddyKitty

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Flirting outright, especially with me around. It's not a joke.

Smoking, excessive drinking, drugs.

The 'need' to go out and 'party' - such characteristics of youth disgust me.

Cheating and dishonesty.
 

dolfette

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Some people just don't get it. They think flirting always means that you want to have sex.
i light heartedly flirt with 90y/o men. that playful way of behaving (for a small number of my clients) takes away from the humiliation of needing personal care. just being treated like a man instead of a patient.

i've no intention of shagging any bed bound geriatrics.
 

nudeyorker

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i light heartedly flirt with 90y/o men. that playful way of behaving (for a small number of my clients) takes away from the humiliation of needing personal care. just being treated like a man instead of a patient.

i've no intention of shagging any bed bound geriatrics.

I flirt with the butcher, baker and candlestick maker and their wives. You get better quality and and better service. I flirt with anyone who knows how to flirt.
 

B_doogie888

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I flirt with the butcher, baker and candlestick maker and their wives. You get better quality and and better service. I flirt with anyone who knows how to flirt.

It's circumstantial. I wouldn't care if my gf flirted with an old man, a butcher, a cab driver, etc. But if she flirted with guys at bars while I'm there, I'll put her in her place. This is not a double standard, I don't flirt with other girls while in a relationship because I do whatever I can to make sure I never hurt my significant other.
 

dolfette

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I flirt with the butcher, baker and candlestick maker and their wives. You get better quality and and better service. I flirt with anyone who knows how to flirt.
i've dated some outrageous flirts.
their flirting does not signify either desire to cheat or disrespect for me unless they are ignoring and/or being insulting to/about me while they do it.
if they were snogging, groping or trying to hook up? that would take the piss. but being flirtatious? no issue for me at all.
 

dolfette

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allowing flirting?

either they are going to stray or they aren't.
i would say that stifling them expressing their personality in public, making them constantly self conscious about how they interact with the opposite sex, is more likely to drive a person away than make them want to stay.

people stay and stay faithful because they want to, not because their other half tells them they're not allowed to flirt.
 

B_doogie888

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allowing flirting?

either they are going to stray or they aren't.
i would say that stifling them expressing their personality in public, making them constantly self conscious about how they interact with the opposite sex, is more likely to drive a person away than make them want to stay.

people stay and stay faithful because they want to, not because their other half tells them they're not allowed to flirt.

Yes, but sometimes a girl doesn't know where the line is for what I think is ok to do with the opposite sex. For example, I dated a girl who thought it was ok to kiss her male friends on the lips "casually" while drunk at bars with me. I set that straight and now she knows if she does it again, we are done.
 

MickeyLee

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*blink* allow?

umm i am apparently a subconscious flirt. i am also glompy affectionate with my peoples.

the idea of me not being my spazy self to satisfy my partner's insane demands and insecurities is so a deal breaker.
 

dolfette

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*blink* allow?

umm i am apparently a subconscious flirt. i am also glompy affectionate with my peoples.

the idea of me not being my spazy self to satisfy my partner's insane demands and insecurities is so a deal breaker.
it would be a deal breaker for me too.

if you want a partner who never flirts, just date people who aren't flirtatious. trying to change people sucks.
 

D_Kitten_Kaboodle

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trying to change people sucks.


and doesn't work well in the long run. you might get a temp change but people are who they are.

I, too, am a 'touchy-feely-happy-smiley-jokester' type person most of the time At work it helps releive tension and stress. I'll take a cheerful, fun person any day over a sour, dour, frowny-face.

But I'd NEVER ask (or try to tell) someone to change for my benefit.
 

tbrguy

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Cheating, maybe.

Flirting, well, it's not actually doing anything is it...

No, the thing that scuppered more relationships for me has been children.

Sooner or later the question always seems to come up; how many shall we have, when, would like a boy or a girl, and so on. My answer is always the same, I'm not interested, never have been and see nothing likely to change my mind.

So that's the way it ends, the maternal instinct versus my obstinate refusal to entertain fatherhood.
 

dolfette

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No, the thing that scuppered more relationships for me has been children.

Sooner or later the question always seems to come up; how many shall we have, when, would like a boy or a girl, and so on. My answer is always the same, I'm not interested, never have been and see nothing likely to change my mind.

So that's the way it ends, the maternal instinct versus my obstinate refusal to entertain fatherhood.
congrats on sticking to your guns in the face of social pressure.

no child should be born unwanted.