What's the one thing that's missing in your life?

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by earllogjam, Oct 2, 2009.

  1. earllogjam

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    What's the one thing that if you had would make your life more complete? Happier? Why would it make a difference?
     
  2. nudeyorker

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    I can't think of an actual "thing" that would change my life. I wish that my brother and parents were still alive. That would make me very happy. Other than that... the instability of the world right now makes me uneasy. That said; the type of world that would give me peace of mind does not exist.
     
  3. Countryguy63

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    An adult to share it with. (my life would not be complete or possibly even worth living without my daughters, so that goes without saying)

    I would love to have someone to be involved with me in my interests. Someone I could enjoy hanging out with. A true friend and companion.

    Bad part of that is that I'm starting to wonder if I'm just not happy by myself, because I'm not happy with myself? I go through a major depression every time it's time for my girls to go back to my ex's. I wonder sometimes why I can't carry on, and just look forward to the following week when they come back home?

    Before my divorce was even final, I became involved with another woman, and that relationship lasted for the last 3 years. I'm purposely not actively "looking" for that next partner hoping that I can learn to be happy with and by myself.

    However, that doesn't mean I don't desire that companionship. :frown1:
     
  4. Notthe7

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    Everyone's true answer: Money
     
  5. D_Diesel Oyl

    D_Diesel Oyl New Member

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    A 50-gallon water heater - I currently have only a 35-gallon water heater.
     
  6. D_Kissimmee Coldsore

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    A girlfriend.
     
  7. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    A job at Firmenich so I could indulge me addiction. Firmenich > Homepage ( just so you can find out what I'm on about LOL)
     
  8. DiscoBoy

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    To be the focus of someone's life.
     
  9. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    Aw you want I should focus on you ? :redface::wink:
     
  10. D_Percival Puddleford Pukehorn

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  11. DiscoBoy

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    That would be like winning the lottery twice!:biggrin1::eek:
     
  12. sargon20

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    Yes winning the Lotto would allow me to more effectively pursue anything that might be missing. I could then buy it.
     
  13. bigbull29

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    Do you want a relationship with a man or a woman, buddy? Or don't you really care about gender?
     
  14. B_mitchymo

    B_mitchymo New Member

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    Love and Money, in that order.

    11 years single is starting to take its toll and i'm actually getting lonely, but at the same time, the idea of having to share my bed when i oh so love to stretch...
     
  15. Countryguy63

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    Honestly, I have to say that right now, gender is not an issue.

    I think I may be changing my percentages soon :wink:
     
  16. B_bi_mmf

    B_bi_mmf New Member

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    I assume you mean something personal, not something like world peace.

    For me, it would be a buddy whom my wife would accept for an ongoing MMF relationship. But my life is great, even without that, so I'm not whining.
     
  17. earllogjam

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    I've had the same sentiment that what kind of place I would like to live just doesn't exist. The fact that I just haven't found it in all the years I've been searching and traveling has relegated me to just try to make my own microcosm of an ideal world to life. I can't say I've been too successful at it however.

    There seems to be a common human need for companionship. It's hard though to find someone who together make you as a couple both better people. I suppose that is why when you find that person it's transcendental.


    How does being single for so long take a toll? I'd imagine after 11 years that you grow accustom to the freedoms singledom grants you. Maybe the grass is always greener on the other sided for those of us who are hitched and those of us who are single.
     
  18. earllogjam

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    Yup, something personal but it does not have to be a material and tangible "thing". It can be spiritual, an understanding or a relationship.
     
  19. CHP

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    Money for me.
     
  20. jason_els

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    That's the tyranny of others at work. So many people say, "You can't be happy with someone else until you're happy being alone." They tend to be the same people who say, "You'll find someone when you stop looking." I think both of these are bullshit.

    There is nothing wrong with wanting companionship and, beyond that, someone to love who loves you in return. Being lonely for that kind of love is normal. People wouldn't couple otherwise. It's also not wrong to imagine that such a person will bring you more happiness and possibly help you to be a better person.

    What we sometimes tend to do is imagine that there's someone out there who will fulfill our every expectation of them and then depend upon them to the degree that our self-worth is reflected in their feelings toward us. This situation is a trap because it creates expectations of others that they can never accomplish. When they love you, you feel great. When they're angry with you, you feel like shit. When your every hope and desire is lived through that other person you lose your own identity and then the relationship is doomed.

    It's important to not pin your self-esteem on the feelings of others toward you. I used to have a terrible time with this and my father still does. Sure it hurts when we're rejected or someone we like or love is unhappy with us, but if you have the ability to separate how they feel about you from how you feel about yourself, then you'll recover a lot faster and be able to keep self respect. Cultivating that sense of self-worth isn't easy. I found it helped to make new friends, take some risks, and consciously work to change my old patterns of behavior and thought. I am doing it now through therapy in conjunction with EMDR, meditation, accepting my sexuality, my shortcomings, my strengths, learning what my patterns of negativity are, and actively working to short-circuit them. It's a lot of work and the returns aren't immediate. You need patience.

    I very definitely would love to be in love with someone who loved me as I do them. There are many people I'm fortunate to love and who love me, but not in a romantic way. I'd like to experience a romance before I die. I think it's an essential life experience to have at least once. Naturally I feel some pressure now to accomplish that, but I'm not going to fall in love again wantonly nor am I going to do it out of an obligation to myself. Now that I know there are people whom I can love out there in the world, I want to find one of my own. That person won't complete me and I expect there will be ups and downs in the relationship. I've never dated anyone so I may even fuck it up in the initial stages because I don't know the conventions. I will, however, try. If the sparks are there then they are, if they're not then I'll move on even if it can be difficult.

    Get an inline water heater. They're more economical and you will never run out of hot water! I'm a long hot bath person and share your misery.

    I'd be careful with that because you're asking too much. The focus of our lives has to be ourselves first and others after. There's a period during the initial stages of romance when you do get lost in each other. That's cool, I'm told it's wonderful, and it's natural. Love, however, doesn't seem to thrive or last in that state. In order for a love to mature and deepen, it needs two independent people, not two dependent people.

    Really? Happiness to me seems to be something promoted by the media as the brass ring we can never reach. We eat anti-depressants and recreational drugs at an alarming rate pursuing this mythical happiness. I don't think a perpetual state of anything other than contentment is possible. We may be happy from time to time just as we may be sad. Where we trip-up is with setting too many expectations on ourselves and allowing others to do the same to us. We're not very good at saying, "no," to standards of happiness we're told to have nor do we want to disappoint others and so allow them to ask or demand too much of us. That's when we get caught in the rat race which will eventually drive us to Prozac, self-loathing, anxiety, and an early grave.

    What matters is doing what makes you happy and damn everyone else for certainly they will damn you for doing so. Maybe that means a change of job, a move, leaving unsatisfactory relationships, losing religion, or doing all at the same time. The funny thing is, when you actually do this, you become a lot happier and not happy like they show in your average douce commercial. The reason you become happier is that you discover just what really is important in your life and trust in your own judgment soars. It becomes much easier to be self-directed, easier to say, "no," to others without malice, and easier to pace yourself so you don't demand too much of yourself.

    I don't dismiss this. Money really can help relieve us of a lot of stressors in the world. One of my fantasies is a 3-bedroom penthouse in NYC with thousands of square feet of lush planted terrace and my own swimming pool. Add to that a competent staff, a Rolls-Royce Phantom EWB as a town car, a BMW 535xi for a daily driver, and a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder for the summers, a first class art collection, a vacation house in St. George's, Bermuda, and first-class travels around the world, endow a chair or two at my old school, go back to college, and hell yeah! I'd be filling some outstanding desires. Money is good and more is better so long as you're not dependent upon it for happiness.

    Careful seeking your Shangri-La, you might end-up like Maria for whom even Shangri-La wasn't enough. One friend of mine is spending a good 10 years of his life trying to emigrate to Scandinavia. He quit college to take an internet start-up job where he saved a lot of money and when that dried-up he went back to school and spent two of those years in Europe. He then found a job in Poland, is marrying a Polish girl (the Norwegian one didn't pan out), and is now interviewing for Opera in the hope that he can transfer to their main office in Oslo. Everything he has done is with this single goal and I worry that all that effort will result in disappointment.

    What would be your perfect place? Has any place come close?

    Ain't it the truth? :biggrin1:

    It begins to make you think there's something seriously wrong with you; that you're unlovable or defective in some essential way you can never change. That, in turn, makes you stop looking for someone at all and to even ignore those who might be interested in you. It really does a number on your self-esteem and the loneliness, at times, is just heartbreaking. It also means that when you do find someone you're interested in that you may not know how to go about attracting them or even knowing what to say. Not everyone is as predatory as you are when it comes to sex or love. For some of us (me!) not knowing how to date or be in a relationship is a seriously liability at our age and that, for many other people, is a turn-off.
     
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