What's the proper reaction to this?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by KidBrown, Nov 20, 2005.

  1. KidBrown

    KidBrown New Member

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    My girlfriend and I just has a nasty break up, I really don't feel much to blame for the severity of it all, but that's neither here nor there. It basically has to do with her use of Xanax while drinking to me.

    However, I went to pick up some of my things the other day, got into another fight, and when I went back to pick up the rest of my belongings they were outside in my duffel bag. I didn't think anything of it because the previous belongings turned out fine, and I went back home. I had a lot of things over there since I basically had lived there for the last three and a half months.

    I get back to my place and am horribly shocked. My sports coat, favorite sweater and tie, dress shirt, and hat have all been either cut apart by a knife or really strong scissors. My mp3 player is smashed, my cologne is broken, about a dozen of my CD's have been broken into pieces, and she tore up lesson plans I was going to use for my portfolio. Ok, this seems just kind of crazy at this point, but it may have even happened to you. Here's where I get kind of scared.

    The only CD not broken was a Nora Jones CD she made for me. However, on the back of the CD, she deeply etched with a sharp object "Fuck You !!" Then to top it all off, she throws the un-used condoms I just bought in the bag, but they are all poked full of obvious holes. The torn up pictures are just the icing on the cake.

    I am deeply hurt, sort of scared (yes, by a woman) and really pissed off. I was thinking about exacting revenge or calling the police, but I think the high road may just be better if I can stomach it. In her mind, I think that if I call her or do something back, it will give her some sort of sick pleasure/validation. I dunno.......karma is a bitch, I've said some really bad things to her in the heat of the moment, and maybe I just got what was coming to me.
     
  2. curious n str8

    curious n str8 New Member

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    I'd think is she really worth all that trouble..get out while the getting is good:eek:
     
  3. GoneA

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    cast an ugly spell upon her.

    or you can just take the high road, like you said.
     
  4. invisibleman

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    Dear Kid Brown--
    Do not go back to your GF. Avoid her. Everytime you think about going back to her, you take a good look at that bag of your mangled belongings. I think that you should move away from her (a few states away preferably). Establish yourself some place new. If you stay, that girl is going to hurt you and may kill you. Learn your lessons from that relationship. Move on. Grieve over that relationship. Do what you have to do. It was a relationship that wasn't meant to be. Think of break ups and rejections as stepping stones and opportunities for Ms. Right For You Later.
     
  5. KidBrown

    KidBrown New Member

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    Thanks for the comment man, much appreciated. I don't think she's going to be violent physically towards me though however. If I even get a threatening phone call, that's when I will take either legal or police action.

    You know, the problem is that no matter what our relationship is/was, she was always a very kind and caring person......towards other people, and towards me until as of late. I'm not the kind of person to badmouth ex's, because it reflects badly upon me. I love it when people are like "boy, my ex treated me like shit for years"....yeah? Well what does it say about the person that put up with it? Obviously there was some sort of connection there to have a relationship occur.

    It's sad when a wonderful person has problems that could be fixed (like alcohol and drug use), because I've learned that in the end, they are the only person who can bring about change. I tried for quite some time, and to no avail. I just should have just recognized the writing on the wall earlier.

    I'm leaning towards the pacifist route, haha. But now I just won't feel as bad if I ever happen to call her friend up !!!
     
  6. invisibleman

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    Kid Brown--

    Like I said before, listen to me and listen to me well. Avoid her. Avoid her friends. Avoid her. No more contact. She's not allowed to contact you either. You may need to file a restraining order.
    Break ups are sad events. Grieve over it. Move on.
    Never underestimate that she doesn't have the potential for violence towards you. I know it will be hard. That's what the grieving is for. That relationship wasn't meant to be. Now you have to make a new space for new things in your life. If you want good people in your life, you pray and ask for good people with good intentions to show up in your life. They will come. You just have to give yourself permission to allow that.
     
  7. madame_zora

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    I think the best revenge you could ever get on her is to go on as if nothing ever happened. Believe me, I went through a horrible break-up many years ago and the shit just kept escalating. It could never be worth the momentary feeling of "I gotcha" to put up with more and more bullshit from someone who is emotionally unstable, whether it be from drugs or just plain old insanity.

    I wouldn't call the police since your shit was in her house, it would be hard to press charges. I wouldn't get near her friends, I'd just find a new cast of characters and have some fun without her. If she hears anything about you at all (which she will, you can bet your ass she'll be checking up on you), she'll hear that you've moved on and her stupid behavior didn't bring you down, so she made a fool out of herself for nothing.
     
  8. GoneA

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    Kid ... (brown) you will be hard-pressed to exact any form of satisfying revenge on her as she has probably calculated out every move you could possibly do - and prepared a counter. Notwithstanding the fact that crazy people simply don't deserve that amount of effort on your part, it is made abundantly clear in this thread crouching down to her level is futile. Take the high road - it's best.

    and, I think you already know that.
     
  9. kurios

    kurios Member

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    Close this door in your life and move on.
    Revenge has hidden costs
     
  10. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    Xanax or no Xanax (alcohol induced or not) this girl has some deep psychological issues. It's not just angry, she's sociopathic.

    Take the advice to erase your having met this woman from your life very seriously, KB. If you shake the dust from your shoes, discard all memories of the relationship (including 86ing all that reminds you of it) and live your life as you would like it to be you'll find that in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, you'll have moved along well. She, however, in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, will still be where she is now: alone, angry and blaming everybody else.

    Good luck.
     
  11. Paul Vincent

    Paul Vincent <img border="0" src="/images/badges/member.gif" wi

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    Holy shit man that's bad. I feel for you. I wonder why it's always girls who do that shit?

    Anyway just leave her, don't contact her and try to move on, you will but it will take time. Good luck :)

    If you don't talk to her, she gets no satisfaction. And we all know what happens when someone can't get their satisfaction - they join a hippy rock band and are out of your life forever :p
     
  12. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east &#039;neath the willow tree? Sex
    I'd beat the shit out of her, but that's just me.
     
  13. fratpack

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    you've got some great advice here...so please listen to it and just walk away, chalk it up to experience and learn from it.
     
  14. allmale

    allmale Member

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    Kid,
    Lay real low for 6 months and get an HIV?STD test. Anyone who would do
    that shit to another I wouldn't trust. Document her behavior down, like in a diary or journal you just might need it, any harrassing phone calls too.
     
  15. Alley Blue

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    Yeah, call your local Vodoo Hodoo man and pay him money to make her grow a 10 foot penis in the place of her vagina.........pay back can be a real mutha!:D
     
  16. MsLulu

    MsLulu New Member

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    Wow, sounds like someone to keep an eye out for. The thing you have to remember is that she's hurting and she's pissed off: a very bad combination. Add in a dash of mental instability (or depression if she's taking Xanax?) and things could get out of hand. I just wouldn't do anything to provoke her. If she contacts you in any way, I would just tell her you're sorry it didn't work out. Kill her with kindness, but be firm. The worst she'll ever be able to say about you is you were a nice guy.

    Stay away from her friends. You don't need any drama or mind-games of calling up her pals and trying to "get her back." That's fucked up anyway.

    Repeating what someone said on this board already, never ever ever ever go back to her. Just learn from the experience and move on.
     
  17. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east &#039;neath the willow tree? Sex
    what's xanax anyways? sounds like a villain from a saturday morning cartoon
     
  18. JustAsking

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    I agree with all the advice given here so far. The hard part in a situation like this is that we have an irrational feeling that the other person's behavior has diminished us somehow. Sorta like, "What kind of man just lays down and takes a beating like that?" Its a natural feeling and it leads to wanting to set things straight or worse to get some revenge. But the reality of it is that you really get to define what this behavior of hers means to you. Another person can only diminish you if you assign that kind of meaning to their behavior.

    So you have two choices. As you look at the deeply gouged CD and the rest of the stuff, you can either say that she has seriously dissed you and wounded your ego such that it can only be repaired by some response on your part. Or you can say that her actions are extremely irrational due to her deep emotional problems. The second one is the real truth and by looking at it that way, you can discount the meaning in her behavior so it doesn't cause the kind of reaction in you in the first choice.

    Actually, there are two other choices. One is to just go back to her and martyr yourself to her emotional problems hoping you can help her. This one is a very bad choice since it will surely fail. The second is better, but only if you think there is a chance it might work. In this choice you go back and get her to undergo professional counseling. That would be the noblest choice, but only if it works. Otherwise it degenerates into the martyrdom choice.

    Sometimes the best thing to do is take the advice written on the side of firecrackers, which is: "Light fuse, Get away."

    JustAsking
     
  19. amethyst

    amethyst New Member

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    I guess I disagree with everone here! I think you should have called the cops. You don't have to file charges, necessarily, but you can file a reoprt and find out if that is a situation for which you could have filed a charge. As well, you can take her to small claims court to be compensated for the cost of the things she destroyed. This has nothing to do with revenge, it is simply protecting yourself and your assets. She had no right to violate you like that. Being angry is fine, destroying property is not.

    I understand the feeling of wanting to let this 'lie' so you protect yourself from more danger...I had a situation where I felt the same - the owner of a house cleaning company I hired started calling me five times a day, telling me he loved me, how we were meant to be together, what he had found "under my bed", etc. When I told him to leave me alone, he started called from phone numbers he knew I wouldn't recognize. I don't know if he was physically stalking me because I had never seen him (he just saw pictures of me in my house). I was scared enough and I was afraid of what he would do to me if he got angry because I got the police involved. After a lot of pressure from my friends, I called and filed a report despite my fears. I never heard from him again. That was over a year ago.

    I think your ex needs a strong message that what she did was inappropriate. She got the law involved when she broke the law. Also, a nut-case's sick sense of power grows when they do something wrong and no one stands up to them. Can you imagine how powerful she feels now that she knows she can chop and slash your things and that you won't say or do anything? If she gets away with this then she will think she can get away with more next time, and get more dangerous next time. That's how nut-cases operate. Don't add fuel to her fire, blow out her flame.

    Also, filing a police report will help you if she ever threatens you in any way again, because the police will not hesitate to repond if they have a previous file on her. I don't know how long ago this happened; it may be too late to do this, but you can always check, and at least take her to small claims court. Standing there while judge looks at what she did is going to be embarassing; and the lecture/warning she is likely going to get would not exactly be fun. And she is going to have to pay you back in the sum of $400-$500 dollars, right? And what were the job/income prospects of that portfolio worth? Ouch. *Poof*, there went her flame as she drains her checking account...

    She is going to be furiously angry with you but she is also not going to do anything else to you because you stood up to her. You will feel good about yourself and, next time, she is more apt to just put the guys things in the duffel bag and throw it out the door. Maybe not, she may be too too much of a nut-case, but at least you won't be the victim...nut-cases go for weak people, not people that are going to make their games difficult.

    Just my two cents. Good luck.

    Amethyst
     
  20. KidBrown

    KidBrown New Member

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    I honestly thank each and every one of you for the advice you've given me, it's helped me try and rationalize things. One of my main problems is a deep sense of belief in the saying "what you reap is what you sow". Yes, I know she reacted in a frankly scary way to the break up, but I had something to do with her reaction as well. I'll try and explain it briefly as to not bore people.

    The day before the breakup, we had gotten into an argument over a really trivial issue. I liked to cook for her, I had made a roast with a lot of side dishes, worked really hard on it and was quite happy with myself. She took one bite of the food, put her fork down, and stopped eating. I asked her what was wrong, and she said that she had a craving for fast food instead. I didn't say anything about it, but as she kept on prodding me by asking what was wrong, I grew more and more upset. Her roomate butted in from across the room and said "someone ought to slap you for not even trying the food, that's pretty harsh";. I replied "yeah, call your ex boyfriend, he was pretty good at that, right"? That was a seriously bad comment coming out of my mouth, and I know it cut her deep. After that, it was nothing but heated arguments and unkind words exchanged.

    The whole time I was in the relationship, I felt that I put my needs on the backburner to cater to hers. I saw my friends less and less, I went out of my way to do nice things, and I didn't get the proper reciprocation. So that's part of the reason I was considering revenge. I let her have her way for so long, now she destroys my belongings and I still won't do anything? How much of a doormat will I allow myself to be?

    What I've come to realize is that nobody, no matter how attractive they might be, is worth selling yourself out. I was stunned at first that she would choose me. I'm not a bad looking guy, but she seriously could be a model if she chose to be. The whole "hot girl on my arm" syndrome took effect, and I alllowed for way too much hardship to fall upon my shoulders.

    Anyway, I'm just going to let go, as hard as that might be. I was thinking about a lawsuit for a couple days, but that would simply be too hard for me to see her. As fucked up as this sounds, part of me still wants to be with her. I know that makes me seem spineless, but I can't explain it. Nothing I lost will not be able to be replaced, and I found my portfolio saved on my computer, so that's cool. Sometimes you just have to swallow your pride and move on. You guys rock for listening to all of this and sharing your thoughts. Thanks again.
     
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