when a 'casual encounter' becomes more...

[ellabee]

would love to hear some thoughts about this:

i posted an nsa sex ad online and managed to meet a hot guy with an amazing cock who i happen to also really enjoy as a person (score!)

we have hooked up a few times and are both super affectionate and uninhibited and even though i'm not looking for a serious relationship, i wouldn't mind taking it beyond the friend zone a little.

my concern is that, with many fwbs i've had in the past, regardless of how affectionate we were in bed, it never went beyond the bedroom. it felt almost like because i had started as a casual friend, i was ineligible to ever become an actual girlfriend.

what do you all think? can the casual or online element of a first hookup somehow taint it from becoming a potential relationship?

 

[B_Hornaplenty]

what do you all think? can the casual or online element of a first hookup somehow taint it from becoming a potential relationship?

I have this perception of the situation: You posted your ad for a NSA relationship, and connected with this person who it turns out you would like to establish a deeper relationship with. He responded to your ad expecting that it was only for a superficial relationship (generally considered to mean sharing sex) and apparently he does not want to make it a deeper relationship than that.

The reason for his decision could be this: Out of all the replies you got to your ad, you may have selected only him to be your friend (partner), but he doesn't know that. For all he knows you hooked up with some others too before settling on him. Moreover, he may believe that you have placed such an ad frequently and have had a variety of NSA relationships. He could dislike that so he has chosen to remain in a relationship with you that simply serves his purpose for the moment, and he plans to move on.

I hope my response doesn't offend you because I'm not judging you. This is merely a point of view about what could have occurred in this situation.

 

[slate_australis]

Which is why I think going in for a NSA thing so often gets messy.

 

[closetfreak]

Which is why I think going in for a NSA thing so often gets messy.

^^

You can opt to try and take the relationship further, but its a make or break kind of thing. Don't be surprised if he turns you down and after that there isn't much hope for a friendship. On the other hand he might feel the same way as you do

 

[MissThing]

Mine is an unusual exception to the rule. My boyfriend and I met online and my intentions were only for a hookup, nothing more, period. I enjoyed being single and having my booty calls when I wanted them and had absolutely no intentions of getting into a relationship, but we just hit it off and my booty call became my boyfriend! Eight years later and we're still together.

I would say that you never know what can come out of NSA, but I can see how it can complicate things if both parties aren't on the same page. I would definitely enjoy what you have as long as it's working for you and maybe try to find a way to either feel out his idea of what could come out of what you currently have, or take the direct approach (but I can understand not wanting to be direct).

 

[birocker]

would love to hear some thoughts about this:

i posted an nsa sex ad online and managed to meet a hot guy with an amazing cock who i happen to also really enjoy as a person (score!)

we have hooked up a few times and are both super affectionate and uninhibited and even though i'm not looking for a serious relationship, i wouldn't mind taking it beyond the friend zone a little.

my concern is that, with many fwbs i've had in the past, regardless of how affectionate we were in bed, it never went beyond the bedroom. it felt almost like because i had started as a casual friend, i was ineligible to ever become an actual girlfriend.

what do you all think? can the casual or online element of a first hookup somehow taint it from becoming a potential relationship?

I would say just try to make it something more. Give it many months of good hard effort. And just see where it goes. It is not like there are any real "rules". I have had a few girlfriends that started out as a casual friend. It is works out, then great. If it does not work out, then it did not work out. Try again.

 

[concupisys]

this is a very interesting situation.... one thing you might want to consider doing is before or after a get together, see if he wants to engage in an activity outside the bedroom like going for a drink or something to eat.... it will give you both the chance to experience each other in a context outside the sexual realm, and you will get a better feel for each other as people instead of just sex.... this way, whatever chemistry you experience in a casual context doesn't imply anything, and whatever happens between you will happen naturally....

the connection sounds very sweet.... i hope it works out for you....

 

[Drifterwood]

He may have a girlfriend, or boyfriend for that matter. And so may you as far as he knows. This is what No Strings means.

I have become close to FWB's, dinners, dates etc, but the fallback has always been that we went in eyes open that it was No Strings. Your honesty is a great starting point and I would advise being honest with him and accept hat he has the right to expect to be allowed to make a free decision about it.

 

[travis1985]

The only time the future of a relationship is necessarily limited by its origin is in romantic comedies about the "friend zone" or with people not mature enough to understand that human relationships evolve and change every day. If you're interested in a more profound relationship with this man, go ahead and try it. If you can't get past the fact that he was a hookup first, you probably don't really want it.

 

[hrdhatdad]

When a casual encounter goes too long, someone can wind up getting hurt. It's difficult (at least for me) to remain detached/no strings.

 

[Infernal]

You just have to set some boundaries for yourself and make sure not to cross them. If you ever want it to become more then you need to speak up and be open to the possibility that you're going to be let down.

 

[deleted3782]

what do you all think? can the casual or online element of a first hookup somehow taint it from becoming a potential relationship?

I think for others...yes...as others have stated below. For example...he might already be committed to (an)other(s).

For me...no...but this is why I can't/don't do casual online hookups or FWBs. If I like someone enough to wrap my lips around their wang...then I'm willing to go for a longer ride. Sexual intimacy is special to me (especially now that I don't get it!), and I can't disconnect emotional sex from recreational sex very well. My head gets in the way.

 

[B_625girth]

I had a casual, sex only, every other weekend liason with a gal years ago. she was engaged to be married(not to me). our weekend would go like this, she would meet me late Fri nite in the bar I worked. after work we partied and of course, fucked. Saturday morn, more fucking, breakfast. I would have to go to another job I had for a few hours. get off late afternoon. meet up,fuck. fuck again, take nap. take a shower, usually together and fuck in the shower. hit the town, dinner, dancing, movie, drinks, hang out with friends. Sat nite,go home, fuck some more. Sunday morning, fuck, shower, fuck in the shower. go out for breakfast with friends. go back, fuck some more, say goodbye for 2 wks. and I would leave for work by noon.

after the third weekend together, she tells me she is deeply in love with me, loves my physical body, my cock, everything about me, no one has ever fucked her like I do, blah, blah, etc. AND then wants a commitment from me!!!!!!

 

[deleted3782]

after the third weekend together, she tells me she is deeply in love with me, loves my physical body, my cock, everything about me, no one has ever fucked her like I do, blah, blah, etc. AND then wants a commitment from me!!!!!!

I assume a person like that will cheat on me as easily as he/she cheated with me.

 

[MarkLondon]

I had a casual, sex only, every other weekend liason with a gal years ago. she was engaged to be married(not to me). our weekend would go like this, she would meet me late Fri nite in the bar I worked. after work we partied and of course, fucked. Saturday morn, more fucking, breakfast. I would have to go to another job I had for a few hours. get off late afternoon. meet up,fuck. fuck again, take nap. take a shower, usually together and fuck in the shower. hit the town, dinner, dancing, movie, drinks, hang out with friends. Sat nite,go home, fuck some more. Sunday morning, fuck, shower, fuck in the shower. go out for breakfast with friends. go back, fuck some more, say goodbye for 2 wks. and I would leave for work by noon.

after the third weekend together, she tells me she is deeply in love with me, loves my physical body, my cock, everything about me, no one has ever fucked her like I do, blah, blah, etc. AND then wants a commitment from me!!!!!!

Well yeah. That was a lot more than a casual sex only occasional meet. More like a regular whirlwind romance. After releasing that much oxytocin, what'd ya expect?

 

[LaFemme]

I think for others...yes...as others have stated below. For example...he might already be committed to (an)other(s).

For me...no...but this is why I can't/don't do casual online hookups or FWBs. If I like someone enough to wrap my lips around their wang...then I'm willing to go for a longer ride. Sexual intimacy is special to me (especially now that I don't get it!), and I can't disconnect emotional sex from recreational sex very well. My head gets in the way.

Ah, exwhyzee...why are we both into wangs??? :tongue:

But, I totally agree. I think for most people who set out with the idea of NSA sex, the development of something real would probably be tainted. It wouldn't for me for exactly the same reasons as my friend exy stated above. As I've gotten older, it's just gotten too important to me.

 

[ellabee]

very interesting responses, thank you everyone!

for the record: i really was just looking for an nsa hookup. i've done it before, and had friends with benefits before and have been really happy with the arrangements, i am very much not a serial monogamist definitely didn't expect to actually connect with someone this much purely based on an ad (which, looking back, didn't really say much about the dude at all - this choice was mostly cock-motivated), so it was just a nice surprise that we get along this well. we've gone out to eat a couple of times and texted about non-sex things, so there's definitely a friendship building, one which i would like to continue.

i suppose it is fruitless to wonder about this kind of stuff anyway...if i really want to know how he feels, i can just ask! it is nice to share these thoughts, though, so i appreciate hearing about other people's experiences and opinions. maybe there really is no, "what next" as long as two people make each other's hearts and bodies happy

 

[dylz]

you seem pretty cool! and so does this situation. best of luck!