When an ex you still love contacts you?

aninnymouse

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The only question is if and when that second text comes, if she says she'd like to try being with him again, what he does. I think it's important to keep being assertive, and continue to just say NO to her.
 

finebyme

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Putting myself in your shoes, my biggest issue would be trust. How could I trust someone who dumped me because she had to concentrate on her studies? The whole point of a relationship is to share the struggles and accomplishments together, and learn to balance personal and work life. If I did reconclie, I would worry about her repeating the behavior. Anyway, just my two cents...Good luck with all of this!
 

legna

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Your ex's desire to know that you're okay may in fact be coming from a point of love and genuine concern for you, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she's "in love" with you or has a desire to get back together with you. I suspect that she may be feeling bad about hurting you and her text message was a convenient way to let you know she cares about you while also helping to ease her conscience. Regardless, you've let her know how you feel. Now put some real time and distance between you. As hard as this may be to do when you still love her, it's the only way for you to truly heal. It will also give her an opportunity to get clarity about her true feelings for you. Good luck to you mate!

P.S. Keep a copy of 500 Days of Summer and Swingers handy. They'll help get you through the rough patches :smile:
 

NottsBound

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Thanks again guys for the advice. She fell asleep and texted me back in the morning, I replied, she didn't reply for a few hour and I felt I was back in the same situation; hurt and desperately waiting for a text back. So I decided to text her again saying:

"I'll be honest, I'm still madly in love with you so please PLEASE don't ever contact me unless you want to work things out. Take care"

I was wondering...have I really let myself down here by replying? I woke up feeling hurt this morning and now I'm just confused. I feel I may come across as a psycho again, even though it was her who initiated contact.
 

NottsBound

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Meh...

She JUST left me a voice mail afterwards saying during the NC phase; she missed me and always wanted to hear from me but she didn't hear from me and knew I needed space but last night she just wanted to know I was doing good. She said she has no time for me as a boyfriend because her masters course is so intense she has no time for me but still wants me to text her or call her every now and then as a friend but she understands from my texts if she won't hear from me because she knows how I feel.

She said she doesn't wanna be with me now at all but *maybe* after she graduates. She finished the message sounding shaky and emotional.


First time I've cried in 2 months! I just don't want to be in love with this person anymore.
 

aninnymouse

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Meh...

She JUST left me a voice mail afterwards saying during the NC phase; she missed me and always wanted to hear from me but she didn't hear from me and knew I needed space but last night she just wanted to know I was doing good. She said she has no time for me as a boyfriend because her masters course is so intense she has no time for me but still wants me to text her or call her every now and then as a friend but she understands from my texts if she won't hear from me because she knows how I feel.

She said she doesn't wanna be with me now at all but *maybe* after she graduates. She finished the message sounding shaky and emotional.


First time I've cried in 2 months! I just don't want to be in love with this person anymore.

I say, it's time to cut the cord. Even if her intentions are good, it's going to bring you nothing but pain, and keep you from moving on with your life. I say, change your number, don't contact her at all. If she tries to contact you, don't respond.

This is a situation that's going to bring you nothing but heartache if you don't get on top of it. One time she contacts you, and you're all aflutter, and don't know what to do. Yeah, that's where you need to just cut her off.
 

rtg

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Hey , I know exactly how you feel. I've been getting pulled along on a string from my ex for the past 18 months or so. Everytime I say I'm never going to talk to him again I always end up going back...I'm trying not to this time though. Sorry this probably doesn'y help just wanted to say that I know how shitty and confused it can make you feel.
 

_Jonesy

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No, it sounds like she is trying to get to you to make her feel wanted, honestly. If she wanted you so much, she would be with you.

Good advice given here. Your first reply was perfect, and it's made her try harder by leaving a voice-mail. Don't reply again, she straight up told you she doesn't want to be with you. The maybe after her masters was cruel, as then it'll be her career as the next excuse.

You said good luck and good bye. Time will heal that feeling of loss so just let go buddy!
 

Thirdlegproduction

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You said all you needed to say, so good for you you have grown.

Just to keep it very clear for you, this is a powerplay you either learn to play the game or lose each and every time.

She wants to feel wanted and needed by someone, and that's what she is using you for.
It's a selfish egotrip that many young girls display at one time or another.

The text was bait, even not responding for hours was bait just to see if you would break and send a dozen texts out of desperation like you used to.

Thing is, I'm not really sure if it is something conscious which would make it a lot worse but no matter the intention it's still there.

Like I said it's a power game, you don't want to play it none of us do but we are sucked into it at some point in our lifes and not playing it is the same as losing.
The more you pull back, or even act like you don't care the harder she will try as the power is in your hands.
It's an awfull experience because the minute the woman you once loved with all your heart and soul is in your arms drooling all over you, you will no longer want her as you have seen who and what she really is.

Immature, selfish, shallow.

However this is an opportunity to learn and observe and with your next gf you will know how to recognise the signs and behaviour which would help you filter out the good from the bad.
 

erratic

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Like _Jonesy said, you've said what you need to. You've said it honestly and kindly, to boot. Good on you.

It sounds like this woman wants to have her cake and eat it too. It sounds like she wants to know that she is wanted, but still be able to put all her time and effort into herself.

Nottsbound, that is not fair to you. "Maybe later I'll be there for you, but please give me attention now" is not fair to anyone.

I'm sorry to hear it hurts. I'm sorry to hear you still love her. Sometimes, though, we just have to suffer heart-break. Sometimes things hurt like hell, and there's nothing we can do but wait it out. By keeping contact with her, though, you're letting the wound be re-opened. And for what? "Maybe later"?

Spend time with friends and family. Focus on work or school, or whatever it is you do with your life. Be active. Busy yourself. Start dating again when it feels like it's time. But right now it's time for you.

Trust me on that.

It's time to put you first.
 

NottsBound

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No, it sounds like she is trying to get to you to make her feel wanted, honestly. If she wanted you so much, she would be with you.

Good advice given here. Your first reply was perfect, and it's made her try harder by leaving a voice-mail. Don't reply again, she straight up told you she doesn't want to be with you. The maybe after her masters was cruel, as then it'll be her career as the next excuse.

You said good luck and good bye. Time will heal that feeling of loss so just let go buddy!

Like _Jonesy said, you've said what you need to. You've said it honestly and kindly, to boot. Good on you.

It sounds like this woman wants to have her cake and eat it too. It sounds like she wants to know that she is wanted, but still be able to put all her time and effort into herself.

Nottsbound, that is not fair to you. "Maybe later I'll be there for you, but please give me attention now" is not fair to anyone.

I'm sorry to hear it hurts. I'm sorry to hear you still love her. Sometimes, though, we just have to suffer heart-break. Sometimes things hurt like hell, and there's nothing we can do but wait it out. By keeping contact with her, though, you're letting the wound be re-opened. And for what? "Maybe later"?

Spend time with friends and family. Focus on work or school, or whatever it is you do with your life. Be active. Busy yourself. Start dating again when it feels like it's time. But right now it's time for you.

Trust me on that.

It's time to put you first.

Thank's for the input. I really was thinking to myself last night that my ex "wants to have her cake and eat it too" - It is really selfish of her and to be honest it makes no sense to me at all, which is why I've decided to tell her that we'll never ever be in contact as "just friends."

I have had enough of going crazy wondering why and what happened because she won't give me a straight answer. My mind wonders if there is something else but she keeps telling me there isn't. I don't think I'll ever find out what happened with her that made her fall out of love but still want to keep me in her life, which is why I've come to the conclusion that I'm done with her.

You said all you needed to say, so good for you you have grown.

Just to keep it very clear for you, this is a powerplay you either learn to play the game or lose each and every time.

She wants to feel wanted and needed by someone, and that's what she is using you for.
It's a selfish egotrip that many young girls display at one time or another.

The text was bait, even not responding for hours was bait just to see if you would break and send a dozen texts out of desperation like you used to.

Thing is, I'm not really sure if it is something conscious which would make it a lot worse but no matter the intention it's still there.

Like I said it's a power game, you don't want to play it none of us do but we are sucked into it at some point in our lifes and not playing it is the same as losing.
The more you pull back, or even act like you don't care the harder she will try as the power is in your hands.
It's an awfull experience because the minute the woman you once loved with all your heart and soul is in your arms drooling all over you, you will no longer want her as you have seen who and what she really is.

Immature, selfish, shallow.

However this is an opportunity to learn and observe and with your next gf you will know how to recognise the signs and behaviour which would help you filter out the good from the bad.

Thank you WhiteMonst3r, it means a lot coming from you as when I first posted here about this issue you did have some strong and somewhat harsh words to say and I decided to work and better myself as you suggested. For what it's worth, I am a better and stronger man than I was a few months back posting here.

I hate playing games you know..but if it really has become a game then I will play it and I'll play it well. I'm slowly starting to dislike her more and more after she broke NC.

For me, it's done. It's over. If anything this has served as closure for me. She was ignoring me all the time and acting all arrogant being newly single before but now I'm strong and happy living without her she wants to be friends again.

I realised I'm actually a really happy person but it's only her holding me back from being truly happy.

I'm done.

Thank you everyone for your input, it means the world to me every single bit of advice that's been given to me here. Who knows what kind of a mess I'd be if I didn't have this help from all you lovely people :)

Now I just need to figure out a way to thank you all!