When Did You Become a Man?

[BlackIsKingSize]

I'm 25 and I don't feel like I've become a man or grown up at all. Sometimes I think about my age and I'm baffled by how many years seem to have gone by in a blink with nothing really happening in them. I'm pretty much the same person I was in high school with more or less the same life, I've had experiences in my life in the meantime but nothing that's had a real impact on me. I just feel like I haven't really accomplished anything in life and never will so I'm just existing by default until my time's up. And I've been hoping for several years that it's not too far off.

 

[earllogjam]

Most societies have had formal manhood rites of passage rituals like weddings, and funerals in our country. Bar Mitzvahs, circumcision rites and confirmation were real coming of age rituals that meant that you were no longer a child back in the day.

Do any current societies in the world have any coming of age rites? Joseph Campbell theorizes that much of our problems today stem from the fact that we have lost our rituals that structure society and help people find their place in the community, and what is expected of them.

What would be a modern day rite of manhood I wonder?

 

[Onslow]

If it ever happens I'll be sure to let you know.



Seriously it happened before I made it to the second grade of school, it involved a death and that is all I will say about the incident which first forced me to grow up and grow up fast. Other things happened in the years following which made me into first a bitter old man and then into a crusty old man and finally into a semi-youth again (can never regain youth again completely no matter how much I try).

 

[D_Coyne Toss]

I think the passage was double:

1. My first holiday alone (16 y.o.) , responsability of my life, of my schedule, of anything I did.

2. When I went to live alone, at the university times (19 y.o.): I had to cook, to clean up, to do the shopping, to take responsability for a house (a flat) and for my studying career (no day to day homework, but exames to prepare, really different).

 

[headbang8]

I think the passage was double:

1. My first holiday alone (16 y.o.) , responsability of my life, of my schedule, of anything I did.

2. When I went to live alone, at the university times (19 y.o.): I had to cook, to clean up, to do the shopping, to take responsability for a house (a flat) and for my studying career (no day to day homework, but exames to prepare, really different).

You know, P.I., I think you and NIC160 are the only posters who haven't answered this question by talking about loss or suffering.

What a sad world we men live in, if misery makes us whole.

 

[crescendo69]

I had to "be a man" when a certain conductor tried to fire me. I tend to be very meek when being blamed for things like ensemble problems in the orchestra. But I knew there were players much weaker than I, who, because of their stronger voice in the union, were getting away with much worse. After filing to play the next year under a "trial basis", the conductor's attitude toward me altered dramitically, and he let me stay. Of course, in addition to standing up for myself, I practiced more diligently.

Then again, I realize the females here have had to "be a woman" at times, too.

 

[earllogjam]

You know, P.I., I think you and NIC160 are the only posters who haven't answered this question by talking about loss or suffering.

What a sad world we men live in, if misery makes us whole.

I don't think misery makes us whole. It's just part of growing. We always grow when we stretch ourselves to our edge, to that place where it isn't comfortable or pleasant and challenge ourselves to be more. Sometimes you are thrust into your edge or do it voluntarily. It was true in my academic life, competitive sports in high school and emotionally with relationships and deaths of close friends.

But with venturing into the edge and expanding comes personal failure, suffering, and yes - misery but that's how we grow, learn about our ourselves. Many don't choose to venture to their edge because its an uncomfortable place of suffering and misery but those who do venture and come back are stronger more "whole" people.

 

[sdbg]

I come from a close, conservative East Coast family. While they were loving and supportive, they were also in my face, dictatorial, and overbearing. Just before my 23rd birthday, I moved from NJ to AZ. I got a job at a grocery store in Scottsdale making good money and experienced being totally independent for the first time. Having been a kid who got in trouble for childish mischief and looking for mom and dad to bail me out, I had to straighten out and get mature really quickly. I worked full time and went to college full time. I've been extremely independent and responsible all of my adult life, and I think that moving 2,700 miles away made it happen.

 

[D_Roland_D_Hay]

For me it was when I went away to college. For the first 18 years, I lived in an environment where everything was taken care of for me...no responsiblity, no cares and no worries. When I went to college, I didn't even know how to wash clothes, shop for food, cook for myself or balance a checkbook. It was sort of pathetic because my roommate was totally opposite. He was independent for many years and had some incredible life experiences. His world was a total contrast to mine. Compared to him, I felt that I had been raised in a box and realized that there was more to life than letting someone else take care of me. That was when I grew up.

 

[B_RoysToy]

It must have happened when I was 16 and had my driver license. My Dad and a fellow-worker had to be taken to a city a few miles aways from our little town to catch a train to Chicago for a meeting. This required our leaving around 3:00 a.m. and looking back I know my chest must have swelled when Dad asked me to drive them. Being alone on my return trip, I realized I had done a 'manly' deed and actually got a hard-on just thinking about it. Yeah, sex has always been foremost in my mind. Is this a bit 'far-out'?

 

[earllogjam]

gurgle burp bump

 

[Skootavi]

My Grandfather sent me on a vision quest when I was 16. I spent several days saying prayers as I tied prayer flags together on a string. When I started my prayers, I was praying for child-like stuff (new video games, new bike, etc) but by the end of my prayers, I was praying for the health of my loved ones, for humility, for abundance, world peace. Things that really mattered.
My Grandfather took me to a spot on a mountain in the Black Hills of South Dakota and stripped me of my clothes. I stepped into my prayer circle with enough water to last 4 days and I was left alone for 4 days and 4 nights in the wilderness. I had no blanket or any shelter from the cold nights or hot days. I was to stay inside my prayer circle (5'X5') the entire time.
I had 4 days and nights to pray and think. I saw many forms of wildlife. I sang teepee songs and sweatlodge songs top past the time. I prayed until I cried and then laughed for joy.

On the morning after the 4th night, I got up and made my way down the mountain to sit in a sweatlodge and share any visions or experiences with the elders.

This was the most incredible experience of my life. I knew a change had happened. When I went up on the mountain, I was a boy. When I came down the mountain, I was a man.

I had been introduced to my animal spirit helpers and to this day (26 years later), when I have things happen in my life, I call on those spirits to help me make major decisions. My life has been blessed ever since. I walk with my head high and have never questioned my "being a man".

 

[D_N Flay Table]

still working on it.

 

[rob_just_rob]

Right after I got out of that operating room in Copenhagen.

 

[jazz_jazz70]

The day my first child was born. Nothing will shake you out of arrested adolescence like being totally responsible for the health and well being of a soul that is totally helpless on its own.

 

[danerain]

My Grandfather sent me on a vision quest when I was 16. I spent several days saying prayers as I tied prayer flags together on a string. When I started my prayers, I was praying for child-like stuff (new video games, new bike, etc) but by the end of my prayers, I was praying for the health of my loved ones, for humility, for abundance, world peace. Things that really mattered.
My Grandfather took me to a spot on a mountain in the Black Hills of South Dakota and stripped me of my clothes. I stepped into my prayer circle with enough water to last 4 days and I was left alone for 4 days and 4 nights in the wilderness. I had no blanket or any shelter from the cold nights or hot days. I was to stay inside my prayer circle (5'X5') the entire time.
I had 4 days and nights to pray and think. I saw many forms of wildlife. I sang teepee songs and sweatlodge songs top past the time. I prayed until I cried and then laughed for joy.

On the morning after the 4th night, I got up and made my way down the mountain to sit in a sweatlodge and share any visions or experiences with the elders.

This was the most incredible experience of my life. I knew a change had happened. When I went up on the mountain, I was a boy. When I came down the mountain, I was a man.

I had been introduced to my animal spirit helpers and to this day (26 years later), when I have things happen in my life, I call on those spirits to help me make major decisions. My life has been blessed ever since. I walk with my head high and have never questioned my "being a man".

That is so cool. Just, so cool

 

[D_Bob_Crotchitch]

Well, my emotional parents died when I was 9. It was my dad's parents. We lived in the same town and I saw them almost every day. My dad went even more psycho when his mother died. I had to start doing a little of the emotional support. When I was 13, my bro was given a death sentence with cancer. My mom had to be gone a lot for him to get treatments. I had to step up to the plate and cook, clean, take care of the yard, keep everything running. All the while, my abusers had gotten worse. I went straight from childhood to adulthood. I didn't really have teen years to have fun or gradually change.

 

[SweetWilliam]

When I stepped away from the ledge and resolved to get help for my depression.

Now, the way it worked out was that I was much smarter than the therapist and could see right through her technique. I ended up working through my issues by myself, and I think I came out a better man for it.

But the point is--and here's the common thread that I see--that I accepted responsibility for my own happiness and well-being, and then took the right actions to bring it about. As a result, I lost my boyish insecurities and became much more confident professionally and in relationships.

Years ago I concluded that there's a difference between a boy, a "guy" and a man. The boy is a child and is childlike. The guy is an adult but is childish. A man is an adult and acts the part.

Great thread!

 

[Zzingerific]

This is a very interesting topic. For me, I realized it in retrospect, and it wasn't anything all that interesting. I was probably 20 or so, and I was going to a friend's wedding. I made the arrangements myself (flight, hotel, etc.) and traveled on my own.

I had done all of that before; the real moment of truth came later when I looked back and realized that it had been no big deal that I had done all that on my own. It was just something I did without giving it a second thought. There was no big ceremony or chest thumping -- I just realized "wow, I guess I'm an adult now." It was actually a pretty good feeling, in a low-key and matter-of-fact way.

 

[simcha]

When I stopped blaming my parents and anyone else for any of my problems.