TaigaStar
Expert Member
- Joined
- Mar 14, 2010
- Posts
- 1,706
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- 208
- Location
- Raleigh, NC, USA
- Sexuality
- 69% Gay, 31% Straight
- Gender
- Male
Long reply warning! I posted this on another forum some time ago, so I'm going to copy it here. It's a bit long, but it answers a lot of questions:
In my early 20s, I knew three things: I enjoyed gay porn, I loved my girlfriend, I didn't see myself ever wanting any sort of relationship with a guy. These three facts led me to consider myself "Straight." You can read around my older entries about that, but if I posted something in Hot Topics, it was usually answered with, "if you're straight, why are you here?" It led me to a conclusion that maybe some of the guys here, gay men who didn't want to be treated badly because of what they were, were just a bunch of hypocrites that wanted tolerance and the ability to show intolerance.
One of the things I heard a lot here was, "just admit that you're gay already." It offended me. And certainly didn't help me discover myself. In retrospect, it's extremely hard to discover oneself while sorting out a lifetime of religious beliefs, lifetime experiences, hormonal shifts, psychological shifts, social isolation, social expectations, and familial expectations. While filtering it all, I was also being told to admit to being something I didn't think I was. How unfair is that? An early twenties Catholic from a religious and conservative family where girls had to act like girls and boys had to be men, who'd had few friends that existed in reality from the ages of 7 through 12, who was overweight and unathletic, who (through some miracle) FINALLY got himself a (socially acceptable) female companion now had to be told that he was doing everything all wrong and had to ditch a girl he liked for someone else's belief that he was completely sexually incompatible with a member of the opposite sex. (That sentence is really long and confusing, but if you read it slowly, it will make sense.) Anyway, I did what I always did in the face of that.. I ignored it. Still, it hurts to have so many people of that opinion, especially when you're not going to have any support at home. I mean, it sickened me for a while that so many gay men just wouldn't leave it alone. And finally, I changed my label to something that would shut people up: Curious. I wasn't, really. I knew I liked women, I knew I enjoyed watching guys in pictures fuck, and I knew I'd spent enough time around other males to know I could never spend the rest of my life with one. In fact, I'd have thought the gay community would have been happy--less competition, but an understanding soul to compare notes with. Boy was I wrong.
There were a lot of guys, the cool ones, who were willing to accept me for what I identified myself as. In fact, they kept me laughing and feeling safe when the other commentators would try to make me feel vulnerable or inadequate. One, in particular, had a firm belief in how to balance a religious belief system that was not very open to anything beyond total heterosexuality. This was food for thought, and inspiration to boot! Eventually, though, life pulled me away from JUB. I had a house, my girlfriend helping me, and a relationship that was getting deeper and deeper as life happened. One day, I made some mention of a sexual urge, and she just said "You're bi. It's ok to admit it."
It sounds weird, but it was as if I was so worried about driving her away, I didn't want to say it. And so, she did. She said she wouldn't reject me for admitting it! OMG, THIS was the woman I was content to spend the REST OF MY LIFE with!!!!
In my early 20s, I knew three things: I enjoyed gay porn, I loved my girlfriend, I didn't see myself ever wanting any sort of relationship with a guy. These three facts led me to consider myself "Straight." You can read around my older entries about that, but if I posted something in Hot Topics, it was usually answered with, "if you're straight, why are you here?" It led me to a conclusion that maybe some of the guys here, gay men who didn't want to be treated badly because of what they were, were just a bunch of hypocrites that wanted tolerance and the ability to show intolerance.
One of the things I heard a lot here was, "just admit that you're gay already." It offended me. And certainly didn't help me discover myself. In retrospect, it's extremely hard to discover oneself while sorting out a lifetime of religious beliefs, lifetime experiences, hormonal shifts, psychological shifts, social isolation, social expectations, and familial expectations. While filtering it all, I was also being told to admit to being something I didn't think I was. How unfair is that? An early twenties Catholic from a religious and conservative family where girls had to act like girls and boys had to be men, who'd had few friends that existed in reality from the ages of 7 through 12, who was overweight and unathletic, who (through some miracle) FINALLY got himself a (socially acceptable) female companion now had to be told that he was doing everything all wrong and had to ditch a girl he liked for someone else's belief that he was completely sexually incompatible with a member of the opposite sex. (That sentence is really long and confusing, but if you read it slowly, it will make sense.) Anyway, I did what I always did in the face of that.. I ignored it. Still, it hurts to have so many people of that opinion, especially when you're not going to have any support at home. I mean, it sickened me for a while that so many gay men just wouldn't leave it alone. And finally, I changed my label to something that would shut people up: Curious. I wasn't, really. I knew I liked women, I knew I enjoyed watching guys in pictures fuck, and I knew I'd spent enough time around other males to know I could never spend the rest of my life with one. In fact, I'd have thought the gay community would have been happy--less competition, but an understanding soul to compare notes with. Boy was I wrong.
There were a lot of guys, the cool ones, who were willing to accept me for what I identified myself as. In fact, they kept me laughing and feeling safe when the other commentators would try to make me feel vulnerable or inadequate. One, in particular, had a firm belief in how to balance a religious belief system that was not very open to anything beyond total heterosexuality. This was food for thought, and inspiration to boot! Eventually, though, life pulled me away from JUB. I had a house, my girlfriend helping me, and a relationship that was getting deeper and deeper as life happened. One day, I made some mention of a sexual urge, and she just said "You're bi. It's ok to admit it."
It sounds weird, but it was as if I was so worried about driving her away, I didn't want to say it. And so, she did. She said she wouldn't reject me for admitting it! OMG, THIS was the woman I was content to spend the REST OF MY LIFE with!!!!
