When do you call a man your "boyfriend"?

[Principessa]

NJQT- One of the requirements I have for a fuck buddy as that I like her and consider her to be a friend. I have gone out to movies and to eat with several of them. Just because I am not in love with them doesn't mean we can't be friends. It's called 'friends with benefits' I think.

That's how you operate but many people do not. There is a distinct difference between friends with benefits and a fuck buddy. By blurring the line you get confusion like Jovial's

That's a sad story. I hate hearing stuff like this.

Happens every day. Some men string women along. It's a fact just like Pi = 3.14159265. The problem is being able to discern the good men from the bad men.

I'm not sure if they are giving me mixed signals or if I'm just looking for reasons to think they don't like me.

You over think everything!

Maybe I'm too dense to read their signals.

That is a distinct possibility. :tongue:

I don't think they're being ambiguous. It's more me not being bold enough to ask them about their boyfriends to see exactly what they mean.

This bothers me. :irked: You should not have to ask them about their bf or how deeply they are involved. These girls should be honest with you from the begining so that you can move onto someone who actually wants to be with you.

I think some women would prefer to think of a fuck buddy in their mind as a boyfriend, so they don't feel slutty. The guy may not think of her as a girlfriend though.

Exactly.

This makes sense. but I don't think the girls I'm talking about have fuck buddies. More likely they are just bored in their relationships. Of course, I didn't ask so I'm not sure. If a girl brings up the boyfriend, then I shouldn't be shy about asking more about him. But I feel like I'm prying. I grew up thinking it's not polite to ask people about personal things, but I have to realize if they bring it up, then it's fair game to discuss.

And there is a gray line between boyfriend and fuck buddy.

No there isn't. People like to blur the line but it's actually quite distinct.

Maybe the guy used to take the girl out, but now he just comes over and they hang out and fuck. So is he still a boyfriend?

Hell no, he is not a boyfriend! :duh: He could be referred to as a friend with benefits because they already had a relationship. Or he could just be a booty call. Fuck buddy denotes a bit of anonymity and little personal info being exchanged.

Well, call it what you want, but the girl would rather someone that takes her out too.

Of course she would. Unless she has low self-esteem then a fuck buddy relationship is perfect for her.

 

[Jovial]

Happens every day. Some men string women along. It's a fact just like Pi = 3.14159265. The problem is being able to discern the good men from the bad men.

Yes, but AlteredEgo's friend seems like she is the one to blame. From what she listed, her friend should have known it was not serious. If women let themselves be strung along, then some men will string them along.

 

[Principessa]

Why?!?! You're assuming there is exclusivity! That's what you call a BF not necessarily what they call a BF.

Ok, what we have here is a failure to communicate. :biggrin1: If we aren't exclusive why call him a boyfriend? That seems like false advertising to me.

But if I was chatting to a guy I liked I am not going to come out with 'oh I have a fuck buddy' where as I might let him know there's someone else and just call him a BF

Okay, that makes sense.

OK.... here a partner is a 'long term partner', perhaps what you may call a BF, where there is a significant relationship. It doesn't mean anyone is or isn't gay

Hmm, yet another one of those differences between American English and that funny way you Brits talk. :tongue: For many years in the US 'partner' was the politically correct way gays referred to their lovers.

Maybe she didn't want to own up to it before they went out to coffee?

That's what I told him! It wasn't until after they met and she talked to him she decided he wasn't her type.

She's just wanting to let him know there's someone else on the scene too?

Right, but she could have said that before he asked her out for coffee. She chose not to.

It's a hell of an assumption she's not interested.

It's not really that big of a jump to make. Have you met Jovial? :biggrin1: I have. :lmao: j/k

Again, that's just going by what you'd do rather than other females.

True, and I am an anomally I keep forgetting that. :redface:
I don't like shades of gray, shades of gray create ambiguity and confusion. If it were me I might say, "I have a bf; but that doesn't mean we can't be just friends."

Maybe you're right :shrug:
But if I was Jovial I'd still rather find out for sure! :biggrin1:

 

[got_lost]

:rofl: njqt! you crack me up!!!! :lmao:

 

[Jovial]

That's what I told him! It wasn't until after they met and she talked to him she decided he wasn't her type.

Right, but she could have said that before he asked her out for coffee. She chose not to.

We talked for a few minutes on the phone and I asked what she did in her free time during the day and she didn't mention the boyfriend. That's when I asked her to coffee and she eagerly agreed. She mentioned the boyfriend at the beginning of the coffee date, so it wasn't like she decided after the date that she didn't like me that way.

 

[got_lost]

exactly :wink:

I still say go for it!

 

[Principessa]

We talked for a few minutes on the phone and I asked what she did in her free time during the day and she didn't mention the boyfriend. That's when I asked her to coffee and she eagerly agreed. She mentioned the boyfriend at the beginning of the coffee date, so it wasn't like she decided after the date that she didn't like me that way.

Why are you so set on this chick? California is full of smart, beautiful women. Why not go after one that's ...well, easier to get. I know guys say they like the thrill of the hunt, but this is sounding more and more like torture. :redface:

 

[Drifterwood]

Buddha, fuck them all and die happy.

 

[Jovial]

Why are you so set on this chick? California is full of smart, beautiful women. Why not go after one that's ...well, easier to get. I know guys say they like the thrill of the hunt, but this is sounding more and more like torture. :redface:

I'm not set on her even though it may sound like it. But I want to know what to do in case the same thing happens with another girl that I meet.

And California is full of smart, beautiful women, but I'm finding that they all have "boyfriends". And why wouldn't they have boyfriends if they are smart and beautiful?

 

[AlteredEgo]

That's a sad story. I hate hearing stuff like this.

[/b]

Happens every day. Some men string women along. It's a fact just like Pi = 3.14159265. The problem is being able to discern the good men from the bad men.

Yes, but AlteredEgo's friend seems like she is the one to blame. From what she listed, her friend should have known it was not serious. If women let themselves be strung along, then some men will string them along.

You all are both right. It can be hard to tell the difference between god men and those who are less principled. At the same time we should all try hard to apply common sense to our lives. Then again, sometimes life is a farsighted thing most clearly viewed from a distance. I'm not sure Swedish women view relationships with quite the same eyes as American women. This may be cultural. I only know one Swede personally, and am vaguely acquainted with her family. It's not enough exposure for me to form a solid opinion.

I'm not sure if they are giving me mixed signals or if I'm just looking for reasons to think they don't like me. Maybe I'm to dense to read their signals. I don't think they're being ambiguous. It's more me not being bold enough to ask them about their boyfriends to see exactly what they mean.

Well, it sounds to me like you are very in touch with yourself, and you know exactly what you need to do next.:smile:

 

[Jl2017]

If you are just dating, nothing serious, do you still call him your boyfriend, or is it only after you are exclusive and it's a serious relationship?

And if you are attracted to a man and tell him you have a boyfriend, does that mean you are not available at all or what?

I ask because 3 girls I've met in the last year showed interest in me, but when I showed interest back (asking out, or actually going on a coffee date) they said they had a boyfriend. But in the weeks after they continued to be more friendly than I'd expect if they were not interested. Seems like mixed signals to me. When they say they have a boyfriend I take that to mean that it is something serious so I don't ask them out or flirt anymore.

I'm thinking it's a mistake, but I haven't asked them for details about the boyfriends after they mentioned them. I just avoided the subject. I think I should be less shy about it. If they bring it up, then I should ask to find out how serious it is. (?)

The advice I get from most women I've asked is that it means these girls are not available and I would be a douche bag to pursue them knowing they have a boyfriend. The advice I get from most men is that I should not care at all that they said they have boyfriends. The fact that they show interest and are friendly is enough to keep pursuing them, and it's likely they are not happy with their current boyfriend.

So what do you think?

ROFL... you know... women don't exist for the sole purpose of dating and fucking... Sometimes... Just sometimes. They want to be your friend and that's all.

 

[Principessa]

ROFL... you know... women don't exist for the sole purpose of dating and fucking... Sometimes... Just sometimes. They want to be your friend and that's all.

Shhh, don't tell all our secrets.:wink:

 

[Jovial]

ROFL... you know... women don't exist for the sole purpose of dating and fucking... Sometimes... Just sometimes. They want to be your friend and that's all.

People say stuff like you said, and I agree. Then whenever a girl is friendly, I just think she just wants to be friends. But other people say that girls should be after me all the time, so I have to believe some of the girls that are being friendly actually do like me. Hence I start threads like this. :biggrin1:

 

[DeepCurve]

Jovial, has it occurred to you that the women in question might be engaging in testing behavior? You know, where the woman pushes a guy away a few times just to gauge from his reaction how serious he is about her.

When you went on your pseudo-dates, you didn't know she "had a boyfriend" -- but she did. So why did she start the get-to-know-you routine if she had no interest in you? There could be many reasons, of course: she was just trying to see if she could get you interested (perhaps her "boyfriend" doesn't appreciate her much); she's unhappy with him and testing the waters for a replacement; the word "boyfriend" is actually a stretch when applied to him, and so on.

But it's also quite possible that she was testing your hair by throwing up this obstacle. After all, if she just wanted to cheat by having you on the side, why mention a boyfriend to you at all? Blunt honesty, from someone who's being dishonest? Quite a lot of guys would expectably cool their jets on receiving such news.

In which case, your response saying, by implication, "OMG I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were taken! Pardon me for expressing the slightest interest in you, I promise I won't do it again" -- is hardly one she's going to accept as convincing evidence of the sincerity of your interest, let alone an effective demonstration of your self-confidence.

How about, "Oh, I see. Does that mean we can't see each other?" Lob, back over the net to you, sweetheart. If she replies "uhuh," then respect that! You done got fished or got your signals crossed; it happens, move on. But if she expresses uncertainty or says no, then you now know that she's either a) a cheater, or b) thinking of dumping her boyfriend. And your next question should be aimed at determining which. How about, "Really? So I guess you're not too happy then, huh?" (Asked very sympathetically, of course, unless you want to sound churlish instead of confident.)

Perfect invitation for her to talk about the status of her relationship if she wants to. But if she ducks the question or denies the premise ("no no, we're pretty happy"), then hey! You got yourself a cheatin' heart. Play the game knowing where you stand, or do what's undoubtedly the smarter thing and politely decline.

Too many guys (and women too, for that matter) go to absurd lengths to avoid direct, forthright communication because, in their minds, The Stakes Are Too High. Avoiding an unwelcome or unpleasant reality that comes up in a conversation (particularly of the "get-to-know-you" stripe) instead of dealing with it head on, only serves to demonstrate that you're not at all confident that you're worthy of anything other than rejection from the other person. Fearing that rejection, you effectively reject yourself, because that's less humiliating.

Look at it this way: you must have something that interests her or you probably wouldn't be having the conversation over coffee to begin with. So what's the worst thing that can happen? You find out that she has someone she's serious about, serious enough that she can't see you? Well isn't that precisely the same result that you obtained by not pressing the issue at the time, practically speaking? And if she was, indeed, testing your self-confidence, boy did you flunk. Even if she says yep, the boyfriend situation is a show-stopper, isn't it better to tell her the truth (that you think she's cute and smart and you'd welcome a chance to get to know her better) and invite her to give you a call if things don't work out with you-know-who?

Frequently things don't work out. At least you'll have left her with the impression that you're a decent, honorable man who's interested in her, and one self-confident enough to recognize that he's a worthy catch himself. Do that and you've just tripled the chance that she'll think of you next time she's in the market.

In short, don't over-analyze the behavior of the women. Think about your own. After all, you're the only person whose behavior you can control.

Cheers,
-DC

 

[Jovial]

Jovial, has it occurred to you that the women in question might be engaging in testing behavior? You know, where the woman pushes a guy away a few times just to gauge from his reaction how serious he is about her.

Yes! Exactly. This has occurred to me. So I try to stay friends with them to show that I actually like them and am a bit serious. But I still need to let them know I am interested in more than just friendship if I had the opportunity.

When you went on your pseudo-dates, you didn't know she "had a boyfriend" -- but she did. So why did she start the get-to-know-you routine if she had no interest in you? There could be many reasons, of course: she was just trying to see if she could get you interested (perhaps her "boyfriend" doesn't appreciate her much); she's unhappy with him and testing the waters for a replacement; the word "boyfriend" is actually a stretch when applied to him, and so on.

I got the one girl's number because we were discussing something and I said I could call her to talk about it more. But I felt there was a mutual attraction also. It's just that having a reason to call creates less pressure rather than bluntly saying "I like you, let's talk."

But it's also quite possible that she was testing your hair by throwing up this obstacle. After all, if she just wanted to cheat by having you on the side, why mention a boyfriend to you at all? Blunt honesty, from someone who's being dishonest? Quite a lot of guys would expectably cool their jets on receiving such news.

If she wanted to cheat, then the reason for mentioning the boyfriend would be, like rec3000 said, to let me know that I need to be discrete and not get too close and cause drama for her. But I didn't see her wink or anything, and I might be naive to this sort of stuff.

And the other girl I asked out gave me another excuse first, then mentioned the boyfriend also. It seemed like she was a bit reluctant to mention him.



Thanks for the rest of your post too, DeepCurve. That all makes perfect sense and I agree. I need to get better at communicating all this stuff without getting anxious about it. Just being cool about it all, no matter what she says. I think I'm getting better and I try to learn from my experiences. Even if nothing comes about with these girls, I still have learned from the experiences.

 

[marleyisalegend]

When I'm comfortable talking to him while he's taking a shit, he's my man.

 

[Honey123]

I see they are still lavishing advice for you Jovial. Reading the last few posts reminded me of something I heard once about men understanding women... and the improbability of it ever actually happening (wish I could remember the phrase).

Good luck with it man...

and if you ever decide you want to hit on this really hot chubby middle aged woman about 5 hours east of you, just let me know. :tongue:

 

[ixamxtrouble]

It seems like to me that the girls are not ashamed to say that they have "bfs" and probbaly are interested/and or attracted to you if they keep flirting with you, if they keep flirting with you & etc etc & etc their probbaly not in a good relationship with whomever they are with or seeing & is wanting to go to someone better.

Be careful though, excess baggage= never works...

 

[Jovial]

It doesn't seem like any women commented on rec3000's post that the girls just wanted me on the side (#4 or #5 below).

I found the following on one of those silly seduction type websites and it seems relevant to this thread. I guess 2, 4 or 5 could apply. They don't list "has a boyfriend, but may dump him for you." I guess most women want to take a test drive before doing the dumping? Have any women here actually dumped a guy to be with another guy before they knew him very well?

An important note: JUST because she says she has a boyfriend, does NOT mean that she is offering up resistance. She might have OTHER reasons for saying she has a boyfriend. Let's review:

Reasons why chicks say they have a boyfriend:

1) Some women ALWAYS say they have a BF as a way of testing or prescreening a guy. She wants to see if he is weak or if he persists. She is determining if you are someone that she might want to spend time with.

2) She really has a BF and she is fulfilled/satisfied with that relationship.

3) She doesn't have a BF, she's just saying that because she's not attracted to you. (NOTE: If she DOES have a BF, and she IS attracted to you, many times she will "forget" to mention him!)

4) She DOES have a BF, she IS willing to sleep with you; she just wants to make sure you understand her situation. She wants DISCRETION and UNDERSTANDING. And though she might be available to you for sex, she's NOT available for a commitment.

5) She DOES have a BF, but doesn't want to feel guilty about cheating on him. This is classic "chick logic" at work here and is good, because it means you are on your way to a fuck, even in spite of the BF... Basically this happens because she thinks that if she tells you about the BF now, she can relax and let you fuck her anyways, since its "not her fault now" that she fucked you, because, she *did* tell you about the boyfriend, and you ignored it, i.e. she "had no choice in the matter."

6) She DOESN'T have a BF, she IS attracted to you, and she doesn't want to look like a loser who can't get a man. (Most HBs have many "orbiters" anyway.nice guys who hang out with her and want to sleep with her. Maybe sometimes they take her on dates or go shopping with her. Since the word "boyfriend" can have so many different meanings, she is thinking of one of her orbiters as a "place keeper" when she makes this statement.)

7) Sometimes she brings up her boyfriend and it is clear that she is only trying to convince herself.

8) She may or may not be attracted to you, and she had no reason at all for blurting out that she had a BF. Sometimes women get a little nervous or uncomfortable, and just blurt some bullshit out of their mouth for reasons they can't even fathom. ALWAYS watch their responses before putting stock in their words!​

 

[naughty]

Jovial,

I understand your confusion. I just started a thread in the Relationship section trying to define some of the words that are used to describe the less than clear areas of interaction...