When Do You Say, "I Love You?"

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Principessa, Dec 7, 2008.

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When do you say "I Love You?"

Poll closed Dec 12, 2008.
  1. I always say it first in a relationship.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. I always say it second in a relationship.

    1 vote(s)
    3.4%
  3. I say it when I feel it, I don't wait.

    22 vote(s)
    75.9%
  4. I wait until I know they love me, then I say it.

    3 vote(s)
    10.3%
  5. I have never said those words to anyone.

    1 vote(s)
    3.4%
  6. I show my love through actions not words.

    4 vote(s)
    13.8%
  1. Principessa

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    This article was so stupid I just had to share it with y'all. :biggrin1:


    Why A Woman Shouldn’t Say “I Love You” First

    If I have a daughter one day, among the many things I’ll teach her will be how to tie her shoes, to look both ways before crossing the street, to never end a sentence with a preposition, and to always let the man say “I love you” first. I’ll give her plenty of other relationship tips, too, like how it’s perfectly okay to ask a guy out, to make the first move, to even propose, but when it comes to the “L” word, the ball’s in the guy’s court. When this issue came up last week in my list of 30 things a woman shouldn’t do before 30, it caused a bit of commotion. “What is this, the Victorian era?” wrote one commenter, “if you truly love someone, tell them. Otherwise you’re just playing outdated coquettish games.” Another commenter put it more diplomatically: “I don’t think I’ve ever said ‘I love you’ first, but someone has to do it. It’s okay to take a few risks.” I appreciate both arguments and understand the sentiments behind them, but at the risk of having my feminist card revoked, I think it’s naïve for a woman to utter those three little words before a man does.

    Unlike asking a man out, making a move on him, or even proposing, there’s no action-based response to the first “I love you.” It’s all words, it’s all emotion. In that moment, he either loves you back or he doesn’t — you only hear the black or white of a ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ not the grey of “Well, I like you a whole lot and I could see myself falling in love with you, but I’m just not quite there yet.” And the truth is, it often takes men longer to get there than it does for women. Men process their emotions more slowly, they’re usually more cautious about taking their feelings and relationships to the next level. So what happens if you get there first and you say it and he’s not there yet? What happens when your “I love you” is met with a “thank you,” or worse, a dear-in-headlights look? Well, it stings, sure, but more than that, it can stop a perfectly happy and healthy relationship in its tracks before it’s even too far from the station.

    If a woman asks a man out and he says ‘no,’ at least she knows where she stands with him and she doesn’t waste any time pining over someone who isn’t interested. Same thing goes if she makes a move on him and she’s rejected. If she’s in a serious relationship — one where the expression of love has been made clearly by both partners — and she’s eager to make a deeper commitment, there’s nothing wrong with proposing. At the very least, it’ll start a conversation of where the relationship is headed so the woman can decide for herself if and how long she’s willing to wait if man isn’t interested in getting married yet. But an “I love you” uttered too soon, before the man has processed his feelings and reached the same level of adoration could end a relationship that just as easily could have had an eternal shelf life. As soon as those words are said, they change the dynamic. If a man isn’t feeling the love quite yet, he may suddenly feel pressure to manifest that emotion. And if the woman doesn’t get the response she expected, it could damage her confidence enough to derail the whole relationship entirely.

    I guess my advice to my future daughter would be this: “If you love a man and want to have a long relationship with him, give him time to get there. If you think you’ve given him enough time and you’re ready to move on if he doesn’t feel the same way for you, then go ahead and tell him you love him. But only say those words if you’re prepared to let him go.” Then I’d teach her how to make my famous chili and do a one-handed cartwheel.
     
  2. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Ooh. I don't know about that. I told Corey that I loved him when I knew I loved him, he probably wont ever love me back, but that didn't stop me from wanting him to know that he was lovable. I would never worry about telling someone I loved them before they told me. I think it's important to communicate feelings of love.
     
  3. D_Ivana Dickenside

    D_Ivana Dickenside New Member

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    what a dumb article.
     
  4. chiefone4u

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    I agree completely with you Kink... It shouldn't matter who says it first... it should be said as soon as you know it to be true for yourself... not when the other person feels it; if everyone was afriad of the deer in the headlights look... you may never hear "I Love You" from anyone, while they all wait to hear it from their partner first!
     
  5. D_Brecock Evileye

    D_Brecock Evileye New Member

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    I was always the first to say it. Now I dont think I am able to say it and not be a liar. I dont seem to feel much anymore but sad.
     
  6. exwhyzee

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    This seems to be the crux of the article, and I can't disagree. It's not so much about "power" in a relationship, its about being careful with your heart and letting things work out in time, and not rushing your feelings prematurely.

    Good advice.
     
  7. B_quietguy

    B_quietguy New Member

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    That article is crap.

    If a potential partner was too focused on "who says i-love-you first" or "who has the power", I'd just show them who has the power by saying "Good-bye!".

    I say "I love you." when I mean it. I don't say it if I don't mean it. If somebody is too fixated on who says "I love you" first, then I would just interpret that as being too insecure. That's somebody I'd rather avoid.

    If somebody insists on figuring out who has the power, then I see that as a red flag. Relationships for me are about mutual support. They are about nurturing one another and encouraging the best in one another. I don't want any to come home from work to somebody who is plotting Machiavellian power trips. I want to come home from work to relax and enjoy the company of somebody I care about, and cares about me.

    The moment a potential partner starts worrying about "who has the power" is the moment that person walks out the door so I share my life with somebody more deserving.
     
  8. bbblowme

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    After many many relationships, with I love you being involved I was never the first to say it. About a year ago it happened. Since I honestly did love this girl I told her so. She did not say it back just said thank you :D I didn't care since I was happy with saying what I said which was what I felt. A few days later it started........She was telling me a hundred times a day she loved me, after a certain point I almost felt she was mocking me. When she broke up with me and told me she did love me but could not get over her ex boyfriend (who constantly left her nasty voicemails at all hours, vandalized her car and mine, broke down her apt door while she was not there and cut up all her cloths, puts holes in the walls, and broke the doors) I felt like a fool for ever being with someone so stupid. Next time I will keep my happy thoughts to myself.
     
  9. Principessa

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    Why? That was just one person. I don't see how holding it back benefits either of you. :confused:
     
  10. D_Petherick_Poundlouder

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    When i feel it without a shadow of a doubt. It has to be in that moment where I just don't doubt i love the person.
     
  11. B_mylipswet

    B_mylipswet New Member

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    In your mind until you meet me eye to eye if you d
    I learned long ago that life is short and many go an entire lifetime without finding love. There is already too much hatred in this world. It takes alot for me to say those words. To find love is one of the greatest gifts . You say it when you truly feel it. Some find it hard to say and show it by actions.
     
  12. ZOS23xy

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    I said it to her when I could not deny myself any longer.
     
  13. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    It sounds like it was written by a feminist. All this talk about Power, balls in his court.... Cant say I agree.
     
  14. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    Don't express your feelings first and spend your life alone. There are ways to do it without verbally expressing it. People seem to have lost alot of their communication skills. Have humans become so self-absorbed that they notice very little going on around them?
     
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