When does affection turn to clingyness . . .?

amberleafbabe

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When does affection turn into clingyness and why is that a bad thing? :confused:
I would have to agree with most.I have been in a relationship with my exwife where she was to clingy,and that is part of the reason why she is now my exwife.I have a very close friend who is like this with her boyfriend.To the point where he has to go to bed when she does,or she can not sleep without.Then only sleeps if her legs are wrapped around his.This makes him not be able to sleep,but I don't think she really gives a rip.He has had to even stop seeing his son do to the fact that my friend is jealous of his ex,and must watch his ever move around this woman.I don't even think it is actually a matter of being so called overly clingy,as in a matter of control,or having a co dependent relationship.Either way problems alway arise in the end.
 

naughty

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i would have to agree with most.i have been in a relationship with my exwife where she was to clingy,and that is part of the reason why she is now my exwife.i have a very close friend who is like this with her boyfriend.to the point where he has to go to bed when she does,or she can not sleep without.then only sleeps if her legs are wrapped around his.this makes him not be able to sleep,but i don't think she really gives a rip.he has had to even stop seeing his son do to the fact that my friend is jealous of his ex,and must watch his ever move around this woman.i don't even think it is actually a matter of being so called overly clingy,as in a matter of control,or having a co dependent relationship.either way problems alway arise in the end.


i think that sounds like a boundary issue. My caps lock is broken.
 

BigDallasDick8x6

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i wouldn't agree with that at all.

usually it's the people who need constant company & stimulation that get clingy.
imo people who are perfectly happy to be alone with themselves are less clingy.
i'm more wary of people who seem to fill their days right up to the brim.

Maybe it's a US/UK thing. Or maybe we've just had totally different life experiences. I stand by my advice. Nothing is going to work for everyone.
 

technopeasant

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Affection is a normal relationship. Each person is capable of functioning as a independent person. Clingyness is hanging on a person emotionally and sometimes physically. My daughter has such a relationship he calls her every 30 minutes sometimes at work. On his way home he calls every ten minutes or so. When they have company he talks constantly incessantly at her he must be the center of attention. I have come to realize it is a strong obsession with selfish desires. It is at least an annoyance and at most a relationship breaker.
 

dolfette

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I would have to agree with most.I have been in a relationship with my exwife where she was to clingy,and that is part of the reason why she is now my exwife.I have a very close friend who is like this with her boyfriend.To the point where he has to go to bed when she does,or she can not sleep without.Then only sleeps if her legs are wrapped around his.This makes him not be able to sleep,but I don't think she really gives a rip.He has had to even stop seeing his son do to the fact that my friend is jealous of his ex,and must watch his ever move around this woman.I don't even think it is actually a matter of being so called overly clingy,as in a matter of control,or having a co dependent relationship.Either way problems alway arise in the end.
had to?
eurgh! you're friend has no balls and no honour.
 

B_quietguy

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Affection is a gift - a sign of genuine care. A person who gives affection to a partner freely can accept when that partner wants some alone time - or time with others.

Clingyness is a demand on somebody else's time. The clingy person wants to be around the other person too much.
 

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Originally Posted by dolfette [URL]http://www.lpsg.org/images/buttons/viewpost.gif[/URL]
i wouldn't agree with that at all.

usually it's the people who need constant company & stimulation that get clingy.
imo people who are perfectly happy to be alone with themselves are less clingy.
i'm more wary of people who seem to fill their days right up to the brim.
Maybe it's a US/UK thing. Or maybe we've just had totally different life experiences. I stand by my advice. Nothing is going to work for everyone.

I think you're both right; so you need to be able to read between the lines. Whether they have a full calendar or not, do they appear to be content with that.

One clingy guy I dated made it appear that his weekends were full (we were long distance at the time) but then later on he admitted that many things he did, he did alone. But his behavior had already marked him as clingy in my eyes, one being his anger that I did not instantaneously respond to his e-mails, none of which required a response that he needed to move onto something else.
 

PatriotSam

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I dont know when affection turns to clingyness exactly ... i just know that when people act clingly around me i give them my respectful attention but i also try to do things that help to empower themselves.

If a girl acts like she "needs" you to survive, just start introducing her to activities or people who empower her in the right ways. It takes a little effort on your part, but at a certain point her clingyness will shift to independence and then she will make the choice of staying with you or moving on. You either benefit by gaining a great friend or a loving partner.

It's like puff the magic dragon ... the kid thinks he's reliant on puff, but really puff is teaching him to be reliant on himself ... in the end the kid ends up succeeding on his own and when he does, puff moves on to the next kid.

As was mentioned already, clingyness is often a sign of insecurity ... so if you can give people some confidence through your interaction, they loose the need to cling.
 

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I dont know when affection turns to clingyness exactly ... i just know that when people act clingly around me i give them my respectful attention but i also try to do things that help to empower themselves.

If a girl acts like she "needs" you to survive, just start introducing her to activities or people who empower her in the right ways. It takes a little effort on your part, but at a certain point her clingyness will shift to independence and then she will make the choice of staying with you or moving on. You either benefit by gaining a great friend or a loving partner.

It's like puff the magic dragon ... the kid thinks he's reliant on puff, but really puff is teaching him to be reliant on himself ... in the end the kid ends up succeeding on his own and when he does, puff moves on to the next kid.

As was mentioned already, clingyness is often a sign of insecurity ... so if you can give people some confidence through your interaction, they loose the need to cling.


What you propsoe is a good strategy to try, but I think you still have to accept that there will be some people -both male and femal- who will not be deterred. Like a toddler who can only be happy around his mommy --not a grandma, an aunt or a nanny will do -- some people will take offense. Either they will move on (good thing) or start stalking or worse......
 

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What you propsoe is a good strategy to try, but I think you still have to accept that there will be some people -both male and femal- who will not be deterred. Like a toddler who can only be happy around his mommy --not a grandma, an aunt or a nanny will do -- some people will take offense. Either they will move on (good thing) or start stalking or worse......

It's possible, but I have not met any of these people.
 

Principessa

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PatriotSam: I once dated a man long term, who only had one male friend and no female friends; I have friends of both sexes. I found this to be an issue because he was always wanting to be in my presence when he wasn't at work or with his family.

I used to beg him to go out for a beer with the guys from work sometime or start up a poker night, join a bowling league, anything. I even offered to make sandwiches and dips and chips an stuff so he could have guys over to watch football and I could go out shopping with my girlfriends. He refused. When we were apart my voice had to be the first thing he heard in the morning and the last thing he heard at night. To me this was/is clingy.

He never forbid me to go out with my friends, or anything that controlling; but he used to kinda pout and be petulant if he felt I was going out too much or stayed out too long. :rolleyes: :irked: No, he wasn't always like that. He didn't get what I called clingy until about year 6 or 7.

As a result, I make sure to find out if a new bf has friends and hobbies first so that I can be assured of some space when I need it.
 
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I dated a guy for two years while I was in grad school. WE lived together part of that time.

He used punctuality as a stick to beat me with. Experienced now, I can see this coming in anew relationship. He would ask how long will I spend in my study groups. Well, not only is it possible that a study group will go over time, but I guess I forgot I was in grad school to do the best of my ability not be a slave to some one else's insecurities. Well, you got it, this guy, my bf, felt thouroughly entitled to show up whereever the group took place to ask why aren't we finished. He would sit around and wait, not so patiently until we wrappred up. If it was at someone's place, he would get a phone number out of me and he would call 10 minutes after proposed quitting time like clockwork. And complain, of course.

Also if I went out with friends he would also ask for a time when I would be back. I would give him an etimated time. If I was once again more than 10 minutes late, He was in a bad mood. He tried to come off as easy going by saying you could have called. Oh, really now, this was during the pre cellphone era when phone booths were the offices of drug dealers and he expected me to spend time (which would make me even later) to find a working phone booth just to call him.

You can blame me as much as you want for letting it happen. But these experiences only free me to say fuck off sooner rather than later.
 
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PatriotSam

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I dated a guy for two years while I was in grad school. WE lived together part of that time.

He used punctuality as a stick to beat me with. Experienced now, I can see this coming in anew relationship. He would ask how long will I spend in my study groups. Well, not only is it possible that a study group will go over time, but I guess I forgot I was in grad school to do the best of my ability not be a slave to some one else's insecurities. Well, you got it, this guy, my bf, felt thouroughly entitled to show up whereever the group took place to ask why aren't we finished. He would sit around and wait, not so patiently until we wrappred up. If it was at someone's place, he would get a phone number out of me and he would call 10 minutes after proposed quitting time like clockwork. And complain, of course.

Also if I went out with friends he would also ask for a time when I would be back. I would give him an etimated time. If I was once again more than 10 minutes late, He was in a bad mood. He tried to come off as easy going by saying you could have called. Oh, really now, this was during the pre cellphone era when phone booths were the offices of drug dealers and he expected me to spend time (which would make me even later) to find a working phone booth just to call him.

You can blame me as much as you want for letting it happen. But these experiences only free me to say fuck off sooner rather than later.

Well that doesn't sound like clingy as much as it sounds anally retentive and controlling. Not to mention potentially jealous or didn't trust you.

None of which are good for a relationship.
 

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Ok why can't NJ do some research on simple psychology? She does research on every other thing known to man.

It's plain and simple: If you are an independent and strong personality type you are NATURALLY going to attract people who need that kind of person in their life. Why would another strong person NEED someone like that? Strong people attract the opposite, weak people attract the opposite. Opposites attract.

Like i said in the dating thread, you need to look at yourself and what message you are sending because if it has happened more than once, there is a common denominator.

And affection turns to clinginess when the person receiving the affection doesnt feel the same way, or is getting uncomfortable with it. People need to use common sense. Camping outside someones house would likely make most people feel like youre a freak. But texting every now and again might not be a big deal.
 

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Clingyness is when they are texting you non stop or calling you.

I think people turn clingy when they become attracted to you/emotionally involved. They become jealous and fearful of you being taken away, I think.

Hey! Distance relationship here! Sometimes that's all we got :biggrin1::frown1: