When fetishes destroy relationships

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_Jennuine73, Sep 18, 2007.

  1. B_Jennuine73

    B_Jennuine73 New Member

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    Hubby and I will be married 10yrs in November.
    It's probably not going to reach 11yrs. He is a severe masochist. In the beginning of our relationship we started a domme/slave relationship. It was 24/7 for almost 10 yrs. I decided it was too much, like having another child, telling him what to do all the time, that I said we were going to have to scrap our contracts and try to make it a weekend thing. Mind you, I didn't just drop the bomb on him, I had been talking about cutting it back for some time.
    Now he's got no interest in sex (it's been since December). I insisted on an open marriage from the beginning, so I am not unsatisfied, but I am really sad that our marriage is ending.
    Has anyone else had a situation where fetishes/sexuality have ruined a relationship?
     
  2. TheRob

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    I know what he wanted was a lot of work
    but he let you have what you wanted in the relationship....
    just saying

    I have a fear of abandonment, and that has ended many friendships with women
     
  3. Not_Punny

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    Wow, he must be devastated. No offense, but I think I feel sorrier for him. His whole world just fell apart, and all you lost was the chore.
     
  4. rob_just_rob

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    I have been in D/s relationships, but not D/S lifestyle relationships. I haven't experienced a relationship ending due to a fetish, so far as I know.

    I sympathize with you - you gave him what he wanted for 10 years, and then you had had enough. (It happens - I "played" regularly for a year and a half, and then lost interest, and I was never a lifestyle player. D/s needs to be consensual, probably more so than any other lifestyle, or it really won't work.) You then offered him a compromise, which he seems to have rejected, or perhaps it just doesn't work for him.

    I hate to see a marriage ending this way, but really, he needs to bend a little on his lifestyle demands. And if he can't, well... what are you supposed to do? Continue doing something you're not enjoying, so he can be happy? How consensual is that?
     
  5. B_Jennuine73

    B_Jennuine73 New Member

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    He got off on the open marriage, being a cuckold, so it wasn't just all about me.
    Yes, it had become a chore. When a person can only get off a certain way, is so limited, it is very difficult. Having to play a role all the time gets very exhausting.
    To be honest Milf, I feel sorry for him too.
    I did not start this thread so people would feel sorry for me, so I am not offended by you feeling sorrier for him.

    You know rob just rob, I do not want to continue this D/s relationship to this extreme. Obviously, I enjoyed aspects of it myself or I wouldn't have continued it for so long. But when the tendrils reach into every last part of my life with him, out as well as in the bedroom, it is way too much.

    To the first rob who responded, it is not just about spanking his ass or tying him up to get him off. That would be easy to continue. It is about a lifestyle where our life is controlled by the fetish. There's a difference.
     
  6. TheRob

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    not really, that's what he needs
    what you need is the open marrige
    point is you got what you wanted and he didn't really
    I mean if you dont wnat to be with him then leave him but be nicea bout it
     
  7. wldhoney

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    While many M/s or D/s (there is a difference) relationships are about role playing and are simply for fun at various moments, most are quite serious. Being a slave is not looked upon as being a chore. It's an expectation, a way of life, and for many, a must where failures carry punishments and penalties. The mental aspect is extremely important, so it's not like you can think about England during the interaction. :wink:

    Most of these relationships go thru great changes as people grow and learn, so being on the same plane is extremely important.

    A masochist enjoys the pain and humiliation of his partner. Some of it can be very extreme, and a slave generally is not allowed limits, unlike a submissive. If the act does not carry some sort of positive affect for the slave, it is then more like being abused.

    I was married to a Dom for 6 years before he passed away. While our relationship was by no means Master/slave as I do not have the personality for it, much of it was 24/7. I was never into the S&M part. For me it was more about domination, although I believe he would have liked to explore the other side a little more, a Hard limit for me.

    Your husband is who he is, and that isn't going to change. Right now he is not sexually satisfied. However, you can't be someone you are not, and need to be able to set boundaries if necessary. Forcing yourself to submit can cause resentment, depression, anger, and mental and emotional issues.

    It sounds as though he wants complete control except for down times, and you have discovered that you have limits. You need to follow your heart. If it's not in it, you are both being cheated out of the bond and intimacy that exists in healthy D/s relationships.
     
  8. wldhoney

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    Computer glitch!!!
     
  9. SpoiledPrincess

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    I can understand you being sick of it after 10 years but I can also imagine he's very shocked that after ten years of accepting it you've suddenly decided you've had enough. All marriages are a compromise and he needs to realise that it can't be 24/7 but maybe there are other ways you can fulfil his needs that are more intense but less time consuming.
     
  10. B_Jennuine73

    B_Jennuine73 New Member

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    He's not shocked. Like I said before, I have talked about it for a long time.
    The decision definitely wasn't sudden. I have been scaling back on the control for about a year, slowly.

    I realize now this was not the proper place to post this thread. I was hoping for input from others who may have experienced something similar.
     
  11. dudepiston

    dudepiston New Member

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    Wow. I'm very very surprised at any reaction that's NOT in favor of this woman's NEED to be free from this! To me, a 24/7 lifestyle isn't just a fetish, and if it's non-consensual the it's truly slavery, not just role play. I can't believe anyone would think she should be compromising here. Why can't HE be the one that compromises and have a weekend-only thing? Or an occasional thing? I guess as a male I find the lack of respect toward women inherent in this type of scenario a bit appalling, and I don't feel sorry for the bloke one tiny bit. :confused:

     
  12. ZOS23xy

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    Knew a woman who found herself only able to have orgasms after being scratched, and it evolved into cutting.

    A few months of cutting and scars freaked her out and she sought celebacy and mental health help.

    And it was a form of role playing. It started off that way and got more detailed.

    I guess I'm lucky. All my wife and I need is a touch of one's hand. My wife knew a few men who needed verbal cues and "set ups" before they would go erect.

    I began to understand a few women who'd ask "You need anything?" IE: want me to say anything? Do something?

    I also note I like to be scratched but my wife doesn't deal with that all the time. It comes as a suprise.
     
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