pretty much know, after all these years, how he swings and I wud make an educated guess of him as a 70/30 str8/gay split. He would LIKE to settle down with a lady, picket fence, 2.4 kids.
There are a lot of factors to be considered, Tulsa...and I need to point out that I may be missing some marks because (and this is at the risk of sounding dense LOL :biggrin1
you aren't very clear in the way that you're expressing yourself at times.
One of the biggest things that every bisexual needs to do, is to invest enough time in understanding oneself and identifying how one's bisexuality is impacting oneself and stands to impact one's future.
One of the biggest reasons why so many relationships go down the tubes is because regardless of whether one is in the gay, straight or bi world, there's the tendency to ascribe to what can be termed as a "hetero-normative model". You expressed it in what you said. There's the belief that in order to be in a relationship, things need to eventually lead to the model of marrying a woman, having 2.4 kids, 2 cats and a dog, a car and a house with a white picket fence. Gay folk tend to alter this slightly...in teh sense of marrying another guy, not having kids but having 2 cats and a dog, a car and a house with a white picket fence. The thing that is overlooked is the high divorce rate that's experienced worldwide...because it's an indication that this model is flawed, and I suspect that it's because it is based on life in the 60's; it isn't aligned with how we experience life today.
Bisexuals are faced with a bigger challenge in this regard, because we're caught in a world with monosexual norms and values...and we tend to trip ourselves up even more by attempting to ascribe to this hetero-normative model. It's impossible to ascribe to monosexual norms and values when our makeup is contrary to that. It would be like expecting a chicken to bark. So it's critical for each and every bisexual to understand how they are experiencing their bisexuality along with how it impacts them; how they forsee it impacting their relationships and future in light of the kind of needs that need to be met. And from their, it's important to establish one's own personal normals, values and beliefs system. As we've mentioned in our previous posts, there isn't any black and white any more...it's all layers of grey and with it needs to be the awareness that at times, the best that one can do is to opt for the lesser of all of the evils. Unless your friend starts off by addressing things in this way, I suspect that he's going to encounter a lot of difficulty in having loving relationships.
He DUZ, however, like the every 6mos (give or take) playtime with a guy
*SNIP*
(b) he would like to have a long-term emotional n sexual deal with a man
he duznt care to kiss men, don't think he'l EVER be comfortable suckin on a dude's bone - EVER. [for brevity's sake, lets call these 'limitations']
I take it that you're saying that he has a problem with kissing a guy and performing oral sex on him, am I right? If this is the case, what does he want to do with a guy? What is looking for/what expectations does he have?
From what I'm able to understand from you, I'm getting the feeling that there are issues that he may not be aware of; there's a contradiction of sorts at play. I can tell you that as a norm, bi men who seek out an emotionally intimate relationship with other men don't have problems with emotional intimacy ie they'll thrive on kissing, hugging, holding hands etc. It would almost be the next natural step once the emotional connection has been established.
This tells me that he either hasn't fully accessed how he is experiencing his bisexuality but I think that it's highly probable that there's a level of homo/biphobia that lies beneath the surface. Bear in mind that this plays out in different ways. I can either be completely repulsed or put off by gay/bi folk or certain behaviors like kissing etc. Or I can be open to gay/bi folk and their intimacy....just as long as they don't come anywhere close to me. What I'm trying to say, is that he may be put off by the idea of kissing a guy etc. because "what does it say about me if I do?" Does this make sense to you?
A third option would be that when it comes to the emotional aspect of things, all that he's really after is ordinary male bonding...which something that a lot of straight men want as well...so this has nothing to do with his bisexuality. However, what he experiences is what's called "Hedonistic Bisexuality" where there's no attraction to a guy, there's no need to relate deeply with a guy...all that he wants is to meet, play, orgasm and leave. And there's the possibility that he's got these two very different needs mixed up and they've been lumped under the bi umbrella.
A final option (and I've seen this at play in a lot of bi men) is that he is an Emotional Bisexual. He needs to have a deep emotional bond with a guy and this need is so great that there isn't any need for any kind of physical contact to be present in the relationship. But what about the sexual side of things, then? Well, I've encountered a lot of bi men who would have the occasional hookup. When I shared my suspicion that they're emotional bisexuals, it was met with opposition. In most instances, they later returned and told me that they'd just come to realise that their sexual activity with men had absolutely nothing to do with sex; that they were using sex as a means of feeling emotionally close to a guy...even if it came from a superficial place.
But for a contradiction to be present like this...where he wants an emotional relationship with a guy but he's closed to the idea of physical intimacy....something isn't right. He needs to spend time with himself in an attempt to figure it out. I suspect that he may have drawn conclusions very early in his bi-discovery which has closed him off to realising important things, which is why there are almost holes in his needs/approach. Don't be alarmed because this occurrence is rather normal, he just needs to start examining things again with a mindset of not taking any of his previous conclusions for granted.
I think his present situation is a big cause for things blowing up in his face when he comes out as being bi....that his understanding is affecting his approach....and his approach is the determining factor (in some respects) of how things will play out afterwards.
Bisexuality isn't understood and there are a lot of misconceptions about it. I have no doubt that it will lead to questions....questions that he hasn't been able to answer for himself, let alone for anybody else. This would lead to insecurity and possible mistrust ("is he hiding things from me/too scared to give me the full truth?"). How is he breaking the news? Is he sharing deeply about what being bi is all about, how he experiences it etc?
