When healthy fear becomes paranoi

[Curiosity999]

I think most of us (especially women) have a healthy fear while out in public. Before I was attacked 3 yrs ago, I might have become uncomfortable in an elevator by myself with a man, or if I was alone at night and I saw a guy or two walking towards me, but I never showed it. Now I think I show my nervousness on my sleeve. I will walk out of the elevator if guys walk in, I will walk to the opposite side of my car if a man walks in my direction while I'm about to get into my car. There's been a few times with no words ,but just eye contact and body language ,that guys could tell that maybe I was scared and they would just look down or offer a nice smile. Still I'd rather be safe than sorry. I have gotten better as time goes by and maybe less paranoid, however every now and then when things start to feel "normal", I'll get a trigger and feel low.

The other day I was helping my make friend ( known since high school) get his apartment ready for a party. We got into a little argument ( more like a disagreement) over where a table should go. I started to move a chair and he rushed over, put his hand out as to say no it would make more sense for the table to be over there instead of here. Because his hand got close to my face, I ducked and covered my head.Total over reaction, and since I never told him what happened, he didn't know how to I interpret my over reaction so he just laughed, and said "did you think I was gonna hit you"?

I left, and told him I'd be back bc I didn't want him asking me any questions that would lead to me telling him. Does anyone else feel like your healthy fear has turned into paranoi? I guess I'm just talking out loud, or seeing how others have moved on or gotten thru something similar?

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

I'm with you. I don't really go anywhere anymore because of all the shit I've seen/been through.

I've had to pull a guy off a woman he was trying to date-rape. He could've fucked me up, pretty bad... to this day I think about "why didn't he?"

I've had to fight a man off that was trying to take my clothes off in my car, I thought we were just gonna smoke a joint and verbalized that to him before we got in the car. I knew him, and didn't think he would do anything like that. I'm lucky I was able to get him to stop, because I'm sure if he really wanted he could've done whatever he wanted.

Tip of the iceberg, the other shit I won't post about.

I just feel blessed I'm OK now and the man I'm with makes me feel safe, and we can just do our thing. But when he's not around, I always have a weapon, and I know damn well how to use it.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

By the way, I'm sorry you gotta put up with that feeling. It's not easy living with that kind of fear, and I do hope you can overcome it. My man tells me it's all about staying calm, knowing anatomy, and how to hit those pressure points. Just the comfort of knowing how to defend yourself can make the world a lot bigger.

 

[Enid]

I was mugged at gunpoint a couple of years ago, so yeah I do understand. I always cross the street or even start running when walking alone at night and a lone guy approaches/gets too close.

 

[Zyzyz]

Curiosity999, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened and how it's affected you since. It must be awful and it's clearly influencing your interactions with men you feel you should trust. There's being twitched by something, but this sounds as though it's having a much more insidious, less healthy influence on your life. I hope you're talking to someone about it, so that it doesn't become disabling. That would be so unfair to you.

 

[Curiosity999]

By the way, I'm sorry you gotta put up with that feeling. It's not easy living with that kind of fear, and I do hope you can overcome it. My man tells me it's all about staying calm, knowing anatomy, and how to hit those pressure points. Just the comfort of knowing how to defend yourself can make the world a lot bigger.

Thanks, and I'm glad you have been able to defend yourself.

 

[Curiosity999]

I was mugged at gunpoint a couple of years ago, so yeah I do understand. I always cross the street or even start running when walking alone at night and a lone guy approaches/gets too close.

Was anyone able to catch him?

 

[Curiosity999]

Curiosity999, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened and how it's affected you since. It must be awful and it's clearly influencing your interactions with men you feel you should trust. There's being twitched by something, but this sounds as though it's having a much more insidious, less healthy influence on your life. I hope you're talking to someone about it, so that it doesn't become disabling. That would be so unfair to you.

Thanks. I used to go to a support group but it became too consuming and made me think about it more than I wanted to. I made a friend from the group and we talk or text whenever one of us has a major trigger or just needs to talk to someone who's BTDT. I really have come a long way though!

 

[Enid]

Was anyone able to catch him?

No, unfortunately.

 

[Penis Aficionado]

I'm with you. I don't really go anywhere anymore because of all the shit I've seen/been through.

That really sucks. I mean, it sucks that these awful things have happened to you and the other women posting in this thread ... but it also sucks that you've come to the point of not going out much. Randomly encountering people as cool as T&J is one of the things that make life worth living.

I've noticed over the last, say, 10 years, that I rarely if ever meet cool people in public settings anymore. I thought it was just me getting old. But maybe it's because the cool people are just sick and tired of dealing with the assholes.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

That's one of the nicest compliments I've received.. online or in person. Thank you :redface:

Oh, and I think you're right. Just sick of the assholes. It's like they multiply faster than the rest of us. (which makes no sense, how do assholes ((male or female)) get laid anyway?? I mean, they're ASSHOLES)

 

[twoton]

Is there any behavioral therapy that can help?

This might sound ridiculous, but how about contacting someone like Gavin de Becker ?

He (or someone like him) might be able to help people who have BTDT.

 

[AlteredEgo]

BTDT=Been there, done that.

I only freak out when men walk behind me. I will do absolutely anything tl get them out from behind me. I will go places I did not intend, change directions, run, stop and wait, even confront them by asking them for the time, or for directions to somewhere I'm not going, or for a cigarette I don't even want to smoke. Men approaching from the front are one thing, but as soon as they pass and are behind me, I watch like a hawk. I have been followed too many times. I'm just glad I have been lucky enough to get away each time.

I'm also a little offended by the men who follow. Do they think I really did not notice them changing directions suddenly? Did that one guy think he really could hide from me in bright yellow pants? Did those guys each think I didn't notice they were pretending to use payphones and had not put in any money? Did those guys think I would not notice that I had seen their faces all day, and that they had made no purchases in any of the stores we visited?

I don't really think of myself as afraid so much as prepared and aware. I've chased down petty thieves from stores I managed or worked in, and when pressed, have not hesitated to confront men who made me uncomfortable. I issue loud, violent threats, and I am prepared to see them through and face consequences. I've pulled a gun on dudes who had no business in front of my door. But thus is sad, because I've also pulled a gun or battle hammer on dudes who just had the wrong address. Or so they said.

I don't typically worry because I feel confident that I'm the wrong one to take as a mark-ass busta. Maybe my level of awareness and the facility with which anyone can arouse a defensive response from me is a sign of paranoia. However, someone being paranoid does not mean they aren't all out to get him or her. Better safe than sorry.

 

[XXXWolverineXXX]

That's one of the nicest compliments I've received.. online or in person. Thank you :redface:

Oh, and I think you're right. Just sick of the assholes. It's like they multiply faster than the rest of us. (which makes no sense, how do assholes ((male or female)) get laid anyway?? I mean, they're ASSHOLES)

I think it's because assholes get more sex than nice people. This goes for guys and girls if you ask them why they broke up with their ex they almost always say because he/she was a asshole and then if you ask them when did they become a asshole they say they were always assholes.

 

[Cronomg]

Curiosity999 stories like yours and real life experiences
Should be told and shared with others even if only online
Or In anonymity because these type of
Violence is MORE common than people think.
I was reading some statistics about rape the other day
And just in Africa hundreds of women
Are raped every day! I think this is something
That should be punished more harshly.
Hope you overcome this experience

 

[XXXWolverineXXX]

Curiosity999 stories like yours and real life experiences
Should be told and shared with others even if only online
Or In anonymity because these type of
Violence is MORE common than people think.
I was reading some statistics about rape the other day
And just in Africa hundreds of women
Are raped every day! I think this is something
That should be punished more harshly.
Hope you overcome this experience

So are you saying blacks rape more than other?

 

[EllieP]

So are you saying blacks rape more than other?

Your logic is absolutely astounding. How did you read that into what he said?

All your post serves is to bring the level of discourse down a level. No accusations were made. He stated a fact that he read. Refute the fact, if you wish, but your assumption serves no useful purpose.

 

[twoton]

So are you saying blacks rape more than other?

He said people in Africa rape more.

A comparison of U.S. and Africa crime statistics would probably be in order.

 

[twoton]

BTDT=Been there, done that.

I only freak out when men walk behind me. <snip>

I'm also a little offended by the men who follow.

IIRC, there is/was a law in Japan that men aren't allowed to walk on the same side of the street as lone women. I saw something about it in a news story a while back.

 

[Cronomg]

He said people in Africa rape more.

A comparison of U.S. and Africa crime statistics would probably be in order.

Not saying blacks rape more, just thAt
Possibly it is more common there
Due to relaxed punishing laws, measures.
South Africa vs United States Crime Stats Compared