When/How to Come Out...Long

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by gonzo0903, Dec 17, 2009.

  1. gonzo0903

    gonzo0903 New Member

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    I have been struggling with this for a while and just wondering if I could get some opinions.

    First, some background. I have not come out to anyone yet and just barely came out to myself though I believed I might be gay since High School. I consider myself a social hermit and don’t really go to bars or nightclubs so I haven’t really met anyone. I am just nervous about meeting people so my timidness isn’t really intentional.

    I am currently back living at home to save enough money to move out (which hopefully is soon). I have a steady job and other than food, I am self-supporting. Where ever I purchase my house, my sister would like to temporarily rent a room from me, however she has made some subtle gay remarks. I don’t think they rose to a level of anti-gay but I am slightly hesitant to have her live with me if she can’t agree with who I am. She is my only sibling.

    Though my social hermit-ness has kind of instilled a fear of meeting someone, I have thought about coming out to my Aunt (who is a lesbian) before really meeting someone. The closest I have come to being with someone is about 7 years ago with a guy from high school and he ending up giving me a blowjob (after a little alcohol). At the time I was kind of in shock and unfortunately didn’t return the favor. Hindsight says I should have done it.

    It feels like a puzzle on the timing and what should I do. I think I should the following in order:
    Come out to my Aunt
    Let my sister know so she can decide if she wants to live with me or not.
    Move out
    When I meet someone, finally come out to my parents (if it hasn’t slipped out already)

    I know I need to get my ass out there to meet someone (no pun intended).

    I am not sure how my parents will react as they have dropped comments about me having kids to keep the bloodline going (since I am the only son in the family). I think I have a good family support as my Aunt is gay, and my female cousin would have no problem with me. Years ago, 3 different family members have asked if I was gay, and at the time said no, but I was kidding myself.

    Many times I have felt like my life has needed a reboot as I am 30 and there are many things I wish I could have done differently, including coming out sooner.

    Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Well I came out a year ago and I'm 43 so consider yourself 12 years ahead!

    I think discussing this with your aunt is a great idea. She can give you an idea of how your family will react and advise you on the best course to take. She can also be with you if you feel the need to have a coming out buddy. The process is dreadful. Such is my relationship with my mother than I came out to her via Email. In the end though, it wasn't so awful and while there are still slips here and there (my father referred to me by the female gender today), it has worked out.

    I would recommend, and particularly if your aunt agrees, to hold on until you move out. Having your own place and household seems to raise a child's stock with his or her parents in terms of helping them appreciate you as an adult. It also gives you someplace to go other than, "your room," (as if you were a child) if it doesn't go well.

    I wouldn't say or do anything about your sister moving in with you until you have a place of your own and have come out. At that point she can decide whether to move in with you. If you do it after the fact and she has problems with it then you won't feel like bringing guys home with you and she may want to move out. I don't know if you're counting on her financial help to afford a place. I wouldn't count on her or anyone else to help you afford anything when it comes to getting a place of your own. That's just general advice, gay or not.

    As for the kids thing, well there's no reason you can't have any. There are various options for you including IVF, surrogacy, and adoption. Keep that in mind. If you want to have a kid, it's easier than you think.

    Best of luck to you and please let us know if we can help you.
     
  3. BigDallasDick8x6

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    I would wait until you're not living with your parents. I also give the same advice to people in college -- Wait until your parents are done paying for your college before you come out to them. Coming out should make your life better not worse.

    I agree -- come out to the lesbian aunt first. Ask her how your parents will react. I'd come out to them next. They deserve to hear it from you. Then I'd come out to the sister.
     
  4. BirdinMo

    BirdinMo Member

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    When you are ready you will know. Sounds so stupid but it is true, I thought about coming out a number of times but never did, till one night it hit me that it is not my fault if they can't handle it and that I'm only kidding myself if I don't. So on August 6th 2006 I came out to my parents at the age of 16. Then 2 months later I told my siblings and from there I told my friends. Now everyone knows, whoever you tell first no matter how much you trust them will most likly tell someone else, and that person will tell and before you know it everyone knows. So I say start with the ones that YOU want to tell and not hear it from someone else. Like parents, they should hear it from the child, not on the streets.
     
  5. Toshin

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    I second Jason's response.

    Also don't forget that your doing this for yourself so don't be afraid of what your parent's will think, it's your life. However like Jason mentioned I would wait until your able to be out on your own before you come out to your parents. You'll probably find that confiding in your aunt will make you feel a whole lot better. Just make sure she understands that your conversations have to stay private. I wish you luck if you need advice or anything feel free to PM .
     
  6. Absolutfun

    Absolutfun Member

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    I will strongly disagree with most the advice given here. I find it cowardly and lacking in integrity. In this day and age it is a lot easier for people to accept someone being gay but they won't have the opportunity to prove that to you if you don't come out. Your sexual orientation shouldn't lessen your parents' love for you. The sooner you can be honest about yourself, the better off you will be. It is too much of burden to carry around. You will be OK no matter what!!! Life can be over at any moment so don't hold off on being truthful about who you are. You are too good for that. I can tell by the way you ask the question that this is difficult for you, but that is just part of life. We will be facing difficult choices at times and it is in times like this that we have the best opportunities to grow into the best people we can be. Feel free to PM me. I will be more than happy to talk to you on the phone as well if you like.
     
  7. gonzo0903

    gonzo0903 New Member

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    Thanks for all the suggestions. My aunt's schedule is a little hectic but I have got the ball rolling on that task.

    Jason: I plan to purchase the house assuming the only one paying would be me. Whether I have a boyfriend/roommate/sister is considered gravy.

    The reason I was a little confused on the order of buying the house and letting my sister know was we just went through a painful process after my grandmother recently died and in-fighting tore that side of the family apart (my mom and her siblings). Since she is my only sibling, I don't want to lose that relationship but at the same time, I realize that I may need to distance myself and live without her, in order to advance my life.

    Thanks again. I hope to post some updates.
     
  8. B_jeepguy2

    B_jeepguy2 New Member

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    I have never come out and I am 6 years older than you are. IMO there is too much pressure mostly from the gay community to come out and identify yourself as either gay or str8. Just looking at the profiles on this website it appears that the majority of the guys on here are bisexual with a greater degree of attraction to either males or females.
     
  9. sexplease

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    Sounds like you have your head together and your plan of moving forward is something you are becoming comfortable with.

    Move at your pace for your life and no one else's.

    We don't drive with a constant stare into the rear view mirror. Think about that as you look and plan for your future. All is good.

    M*

    p.s. About the gene pool. If your sister has children, your family genes will carry on. A DNA testing of her offspring could barely tell if you were their father or she was their mother. I am an only son (3 sisters, one is gay) and am blessed to be an uncle to 2 awesome nephews, 1 fun niece who calls me Aunty M and her son - a great nephew.

    My mom threw that, "you're my only son" bs at me when I came out, to which I responded, "I did not choose to be the only son, just the best I can be."
    She got over her pity party quickly, and all is great with my family. A few little rough spots back then, but I wouldn't do anything differently.

    May your road ahead be filled with the right solutions to all your challenges.
     
  10. gonzo0903

    gonzo0903 New Member

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    Well, I guess I can mark on the calendar Jan 5 as the first day of the rest of my life. It took a few beers (ok, more than a few), but I came out to my aunt.

    It was surprisingly harder than I thought, but it felt like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

    When I was asking for a meeting with my aunt, later she said she had a hunch on what it was for and she also mentioned that the rest of the family had their suspicions (not unexpected since I am 30 and no girlfriend).

    Further talks confirmed my assumptions that most of the family probably wouldn't have any issues (or at least relatively comfortable) with it. However, she and I agreed that the hardest person to address would be my dad. She said it had taken a bit for him to accept her (his sister).

    I am not ready to let my parents know yet, but I have started the ball rolling and I hope to purchase my house and start living my life and when the time is right let them know.

    Thanks to all the posters with their feedback!
     
  11. D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov

    D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov Account Disabled

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    I agree with this.

    This is your business, and nobody has anything to do with it.

    It is like sharing your best secret. Why should you?

    In any case, at a certain point in your life, all the relevant persons will know who you are or at least they will be wondering. Keep them wondering.

    Why define yourself as gay or straight? Definitions can be fleeting, not solid enough.

    I think you perhaps need some peace of mind and you think you will achieve this by coming out. It may happen, but it can also backfire.

    Do whatever you feel like doing - but be cautious. Actions speak louder than words.

    This is just my personal opinion. I might sound wrong to most people here.
     
  12. sexplease

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    Welcome to YOUR life!

    No one's gonna do it better than you.
     
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