When is Bullying Cool?

[deleted3782]

Those who are into dominance play in a sexual context are very careful not to let it carry over into other areas of daily life-- ...

This is what I'm exploring...is there a point where a bully or dominator can take advantage of another person's fetish? Does the subordinate need to believe the bullying is fake? For example, a guy teases someone about having a small dick...but doesn't really believe he its so small? Or a bull jacks off on a hubby's pillow or kicks the guy out of his own bed, does he not really think that's humiliating?

Can humiliation be faked?

 

[helgaleena]

This is what I'm exploring...is there a point where a bully or dominator can take advantage of another person's fetish? Does the subordinate need to believe the bullying is fake? For example, a guy teases someone about having a small dick...but doesn't really believe he its so small? Or a bull jacks off on a hubby's pillow or kicks the guy out of his own bed, does he not really think that's humiliating?

Can humiliation be faked?

Do you remember the film Nine and a Half Weeks? Girl in it finally had enough of the scenario and left. The point is, as long as it's got sex involved, a bully can indulge in sadistic behavior without risking social standing or arrest. The bully must simply keep it within bounds, in the bedroom.

Humiliation is humiliation, unless everybody is an actor in some kind of theatrics. Enjoying humiliation is a personal choice in the receiver's brain. Me, I don't like it except sometimes as a corollary of sexual worship. I certainly do not tolerate it in my personal life, if it is apparent to me. Self-esteem is one of those things I have to cultivate for my overall health.

 

[tgirlsrgreat]

imho, bullying and (my choosing of words) the fetish of humiliation are two wildly and widely different things. if someone gets turned on by cuckolding or domination or humiliation talk, whatever, that is between consenting adults. bullying takes shape in the public and private arena and is never okay, people get hurt!

 

[big_tits4big_dicks]

I knew one bully I adored. He was amazing, and he was kinda like Robbin Hood. To bully someone is to pick on another, usually someone smaller, maybe just someone that will not fight back. He was cool with everyone, until he saw someone fucking with another kid....Then you were his bitch. Being a huge Native American helped intimidate, and he was soo strong. I hate bully's. I was in school when Columbine happened, it was unreal. Do you think those boys came up with that idea because they were NOT tortured in school? So very sad.

 

[helgaleena]

I just reported a bully who lost cool in PM and on another thread here. He did use the word 'fuck' but I don't think he was being literal at all, sadly.

 

[Bbucko]

This is what I'm exploring...is there a point where a bully or dominator can take advantage of another person's fetish? Does the subordinate need to believe the bullying is fake? For example, a guy teases someone about having a small dick...but doesn't really believe he its so small? Or a bull jacks off on a hubby's pillow or kicks the guy out of his own bed, does he not really think that's humiliating?

Can humiliation be faked?

This falls under what I call "the real". "The real" occurs when the role play crosses over into something much more direct and meaningful for the participants. I require finding "the real" when I engage in role play, or else it's just like being in a movie.

Acting humiliated is not the same as actually being humiliated. I can't imagine why anyone would be satisfied acting out scenarios when living them is so much more intense and satisfying, both physically and emotionally (which is the point, after all).

 

[petite]

I once read that many masochists who are into humiliation play of the "You are a dirty slut" variety are people who have internalized negative feelings about their own sexual feelings and desires, which I could see as being a result of bullying as a child. Women in particular are bullied by attacking their sexuality, being called a slut, being humiliated for not being a virgin or having a sexual act made public and embarrassed over it and treated cruelly. Those masochists have turned that internal dialog into a kink. (I do get kink and fetish confused, so I apologize if I've misused the terms, but I'm sure that Bbucko can correct me!) Those women really do secretly feel like they are dirty sluts inside.

The flip side of that same coin are the humiliation masochists who have internalized a "good girl" persona. (I suppose it works the same for men, too? Is there a "good boy" trope that some men must overcome and can overcome in a BDSM situation?) These women have always walked the good girl line, and despite their own sexual urges, they feel virtuous about their sexual behavior because they have possessed the willpower to behave "properly" but they also feel inhibited. These masochists feel that they must be "made" to do things that they secretly want to do, to have the acts that they want "taken" from them by a "bad man" who makes them do what they really want.

These are just two motivations for similar appearing behavior, there are dozens more, I'm sure, and sometimes multiple motivations could influence the same person in regards to a desire for humiliation play.

Cuckolding is another one of those acts that has many potential motivations. I found this great article that talks about a lot of them, and some of the motivations behind desiring cuckolding are surprising! Such as experiencing more intense sex afterward due to "sperm competition"? Who knew?

Why would you do that? (Want to watch your wife with another man) | Psychology Today

 

[accemb]

When I think of 'bullying" it brings school to mind....when the 'cool' kids (whether it be grade school , high school, even college) pick on and taunt a target, making the target's life miserable. Sadly, this has existed forever, but as of late, with the advent of the internet, it's become even more intense and sadistic, pushing a few, tragically, to suicide.

However, what two adults consent to do (i.e. play 'tormentor' and 'victim') in their private sexual lives is their business. If it goes beyond the comfort zone that has presumably been established, that's another thing.

As always, Exwhyzee, your threads are thought provoking and interesting.

 

[Bbucko]

I once read that many masochists who are into humiliation play of the "You are a dirty slut" variety are people who have internalized negative feelings about their own sexual feelings and desires, which I could see as being a result of bullying as a child. Women in particular are bullied by attacking their sexuality, being called a slut, being humiliated for not being a virgin or having a sexual act made public and embarrassed over it and treated cruelly. Those masochists have turned that internal dialog into a kink. (I do get kink and fetish confused, so I apologize if I've misused the terms, but I'm sure that Bbucko can correct me!) Those women really do secretly feel like they are dirty sluts inside.

A fetish is by definition finding oneself aroused by something inanimate and otherwise entirely disassociated with sex. Probably the most obvious one is leather; women's shoes are another good example. The erotic response to something unrelated to sex is Pavlovian, essentially.

"Kink" is a pretty broad term, and is ultimately very subjective; there's an old expression about something only being kinky the first time it's done :wink:

You're right, humiliation would best be described as a kink, I guess: so would water sports. I've got totally hard-wired nipples, for instance, which took me longer than it should have to really figure out. I'd never heard of it before, and it just didn't make sense that the strength and duration of my erection should be so entirely dependent on titplay. And, especially when I was younger and playing with younger (and less experienced) guys, I'd occasionally meet with some strong resistance from those who felt that I wanted them to inflict pain (when done properly, it's not painful for me at all). They saw this as my being kinky when to me it was just a question of providing the necessary stimulation :redface:

The flip side of that same coin are the humiliation masochists who have internalized a "good girl" persona. (I suppose it works the same for men, too? Is there a "good boy" trope that some men must overcome and can overcome in a BDSM situation?) These women have always walked the good girl line, and despite their own sexual urges, they feel virtuous about their sexual behavior because they have possessed the willpower to behave "properly" but they also feel inhibited. These masochists feel that they must be "made" to do things that they secretly want to do, to have the acts that they want "taken" from them by a "bad man" who makes them do what they really want.

Yeah: I've encountered this much more often than anyone really seeking "punishment". To a certain extent, I felt much the same way about BDSM and extreme sex myself. My forays into "the scene" were always clandestine and almost always limited to encounters with guys I'd only see once or twice. It wasn't until my mid-30s that I considered regular FB status for someone who enjoyed extreme sex openly, and even then rarely did so.

These are just two motivations for similar appearing behavior, there are dozens more, I'm sure, and sometimes multiple motivations could influence the same person in regards to a desire for humiliation play.

I know that's true from a Dom perspective. It makes sense that a sub would be just as (if not even more) complicated in his/her motivations in seeking humiliation.

 

[thickpex]

Bullying is never ok, ever, for obvious reasons.
If someone seeks out maltreatment, then that's different, but it's a fine line.

But...one thing I question, is the intent of the person "playing" the aggressor. Sure, their actions may all be within bounds agreed upon, but are they, on the inside, bullying?? Are they using the scene with a submissive as a golden opportunity to act upon genuine bullying impulses? In many cases, I vote YES.

Finally, I believe for all parties, this type of behavior, no matter how "pretend" it is, is potentially and probably is damaging in some psychological way, esp over the long term. Sounds like a great topic for a longitudinal study.

 

[D_Aston Asstonne]

NEVER!bullys are cowards and nothing more.