When is the best time to give bad news on your relationship?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by got_lost, Dec 24, 2008.

  1. got_lost

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    So I have been on quite a journey over the last year or two, finding me and making some decisions regarding my future.

    Last weekend I came to the final, all knowing decision that it is time to end my marriage.

    I have no doubts at all. It's over.


    But now it's blooming Christmas!


    I didn't tell him this weekend cos he had awful flu.

    Do I tell him before Christmas (though I only have 11 hours left for that and am working soon so probably not)

    Do I wait til next weekend?

    What about BEFORE New Years eve or AFTER New Years eve?!!?

    Basically, I've decided at a really crappy time and although I want to get it over with and tell him soonest, I am now over-thinking it and don't want to ruin his holidays! :redface:

    HELP!
     
  2. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

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    Well isn't it crapy all the time to tell... It's never a good time. If you are sure of your decision, tell him. If you tell after new year he will think all the time that you faked to be happy when you were celebrating christmas and new year.
    Take the step.
    Good luck!
     
  3. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

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    K8 -- I wouldn't tell him before Christmas or on Christmas -- that just seems unnecessarily cruel -- but past that, all bete are off IMO.

    Then, you have to start thinking about yourself, and how you start your new life. It might make sense to tell him before New Year's ... or wait 'til afterwards ... based on what you need. That's what I think; not that I have any particular authority on this question!
     
    #3 D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead, Dec 24, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2008
  4. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Wait until this coming Monday. That way you and he can begin to take care of business and it's more likely the supportive friends you'll both need around you will be available. Mondays suck anyway.

    Good luck with it.
     
  5. vince

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    My opinion, for what it's worth, would be to wait until after Christmas. I think it's in your nature to be kind, but in the end you must do what's in your heart.
     
  6. canuck_pa

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    As you have decided to end your marriage I assume you've been thinking about it for a long time. Your husband may have an idea that the marriage is coming to an end. I think its very considerate of you to not want to ruin the Christmas season especially if you have children.
     
  7. nudeyorker

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    K,
    I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I would wait for the coming weekend. If you need anything drop me a PM. My thoughts are with you.
     
  8. DaveyDoes

    DaveyDoes New Member

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    If there's any way you can wait until after the holidays, I'd say do it.
    My partners parents separated around Thanksgiving of '81 and their
    divorce was final on December 21st of that year. We don't do Xmas
    but Hanukkah...but, it still kind of lingers every year in December.
    There's still hard feelings in the family about it and right when
    everyone should be full of joy and celebration, the lingering memories
    of those events are always in the background.
    If it were me, I'd wait until the weekend after New Years, that's enough
    time for the associations to pass a little. You've lasted this long, unless
    it's violent, a few more days won't hurt anything.
     
    #8 DaveyDoes, Dec 24, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2008
  9. hung

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    I am not a relationship expert, however I have heard of many who break off a relationship just be for a birthday, valentine's day, Christmas, etc., to avoid the need to obtain another gift for some one.

    Sounds trite, but I suspect that it is frequently done.

    Have a Merry Christmas and Continue Enjoying Life.
     
  10. got_lost

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    Thx gentlemen!

    I'll definitely wait til after Christmas. Though, hung, it's not to do with the presents. I have bought him some. Though I know he hasn't! :lmao:

    I'm tempted to do it before the new year as I don't know how to wish him a Happy New Year knowing it's just about to crap all over him! Though I am working all day and night New Years eve and New Years day, so won't get much chance to see him then anyway.

    I want to minimize the hurt as much as I can, he's a nice chap.
    I just feel I need to do it soon for me.
     
  11. D_Tintagel_Demondong

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    You've waited this long, girl. What's a few more weeks?

    Congrats on your decision. I know how you feel about your marriage, and what it became. I remember talking to you about it while overlooking the river... and how frustrated you seemed. A divorce seems like the obvious solution as far as happiness goes. Even though his means will be reduced, I think he will be happier too.

    Some advice: make sure you talk to a lawyer before you tell hubby.

    Cheers :smile:
     
  12. camper joe

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    Kate I agree with the many of the others here why not wait until after the holidays and Rec. gave you some very sound advice. Go see a lawyer before you do anything. I wish you well on your new journey.
     
  13. Principessa

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    How the heck did they separate and get a divorce in under 30 days?!?! I have never heard of that happening so fast in this country?

    I agree about waiting until the weekend after New Year's.


    It's not trite, it's cheap and K8's situation isn't about gifts or lack thereof. This was a long time coming.

     
  14. got_lost

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    OK... naivety rules!!!

    Why do I need a lawyer yet?
    Apart from the fact this will put it off even longer cos I have no idea even where to find one.... I do trust him. I don't think he's going to screw me over (and if he is, he's alreay done it or could still do it... financially speaking, we know he hasn't screwed me any other way :rolleyes:)
     
  15. exwhyzee

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    I agree with rec on the lawyer bit. Cover your ass.

    As for timing, you have led your life on his terms for long enough. Lead life on your own terms now. Tell him when you are ready, not when you think he is ready. Instead of looking at it as a negative present to him...look at it as the best Christmas present of New Years gift you could ever give yourself.

    You have thought about this long and hard. Now that you have direction and conviction, I know that things will begin to fall into place for you. As far as I am cncerned, it couldn't happen to a more deserving person. :smile:
     
  16. D_Tintagel_Demondong

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    Even so, it could get messy--especially since he has something to lose.

    Even if you don't use a lawyer for your divorce, you still should get all the info you can from one. You don't want to do anything that will screw you in the long run. For example, if he leaves the home before the separation then you might not have to pay alimony (hint).
     
    #16 D_Tintagel_Demondong, Dec 24, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2008
  17. DaveyDoes

    DaveyDoes New Member

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    LOL...not a clue. In fact, I haven't a clue how long it should or would
    take. The only story I get is that it was "right before Thanksgiving"
    and his Dad was working out of town and his Mom went down and
    caught his Dad in his apartment with another woman...decided not to
    shoot him...drove back home, filed that day and it was done on
    the 21st December. I'm sure under the circumstances it was uncontested.
    I'm not going to ask them for confirmation right now :tongue:
     
  18. exwhyzee

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    I would hate for you to do something simple that messed anything up. What could that be? I have no idea. Maybe I'm just the child of a very messy divorce, so it seems like a much bigger deal to me. Your instincts might be the best to follow. Nobody knows your situation as well as you do.
     
  19. largeornot

    largeornot New Member

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    tell him before new years for sure! there's something about new years that give people hope for a fresh start... don't start his 2009 on a bad note.
     
  20. catman

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    A dissenting view...

    3 sons...at various points they have been dating (girls)

    2 sons, 2 different years- both dating that was...well it was over...

    one waited til after- but saw the pain he was in all holiday (ie 'going thru the motions' but knowing in his heart- she was getting the ax...and having to 'fake a smile' even on new years)

    the other- same scenario but said he would rather be honest than miserable (and always remember the 'horrible holiday' of that year...)

    I can see both sides- but its up to your HEART to do whats right- if you are truly 'miserable'...why leave the splinter in?

    what day is best? monday? no start teh week off bad...friday? why kill a weekend, wed? well...

    there is never a 'good time'...

    do what is right for YOU, as ultimately thats who matters in this.

    however if you DO have kids- I would have to agree....but remember kids see WAY more than you think they do...
     
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