When Looking For A Serious Relationship, Is It Rude To Ask If You Are A Bottom Or A Top?

Lol234

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So one year ago, my ex-cheated on me with 12 other men after they moved away to get a nursing degree at a college from another state. I was extremely devastated. I went into therapy to talk to a psychologist about my problems and I haven't been in another relationship ever since.

I wanted to know if it would be rude when going online searching for partners to ask if they identify as a bottom or a top? I mean, when it comes down to relationships, I am looking for something personality-wise. My therapist told me my ex had BPD and that I qualify as a codependent and suffer from a savior complex.

I don't want to make the same mistake by choosing someone for their tragic back story, but someone who is more emotionally stable, mature, similar education level, as well as interests and hobbies. But I am worried if we are going to come across issues when it is time for physical intimacy.

What if my partner wants to top, but I tell them I am not okay with that? What if we had a good friendship going on, up until sex was brought up? Do we just end the relationship there? Is it easy to spot a bottom or a top?
 

malakos

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My therapist told me my ex had BPD...

How was your therapist in a position to assign a diagnosis to your ex? Were you in sessions together? Also, why would your therapist think that it's ethically acceptable to share the diagnosis with you?
 

Brodie888

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So one year ago, my ex-cheated on me with 12 other men after they moved away to get a nursing degree at a college from another state. I was extremely devastated. I went into therapy to talk to a psychologist about my problems and I haven't been in another relationship ever since.

I wanted to know if it would be rude when going online searching for partners to ask if they identify as a bottom or a top? I mean, when it comes down to relationships, I am looking for something personality-wise. My therapist told me my ex had BPD and that I qualify as a codependent and suffer from a savior complex.

I don't want to make the same mistake by choosing someone for their tragic back story, but someone who is more emotionally stable, mature, similar education level, as well as interests and hobbies. But I am worried if we are going to come across issues when it is time for physical intimacy.

What if my partner wants to top, but I tell them I am not okay with that? What if we had a good friendship going on, up until sex was brought up? Do we just end the relationship there? Is it easy to spot a bottom or a top?

Most people on apps are very upfront in their sexual preferences. So don't worry about that. If someone wants to top but you're not interested, just say so.

It's ok not to be liked by everyone. It's okay not to be compatible with everyone. Finding a good partner is a filtering process. If you simply catch everything that falls in your net then you will waste a lot of time. Success is not the absence of failure. Failure is part of the process of getting to success.
 

Here_Now

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My 2 cents worth.

Only engage in activites that you are willing to do and/or able but do NOT compromise on this. You know your limits; honor and respect them. You'll be happy the next morning if you do so. If your sex partner wants you to do something that you don't want to do, tell him no. Leave that space at that time and be happy about your decision.

No, it is not easy to spot a top or bottom and you really will not know until you are in the moment. When you are in the moment, just be true to yourself.
 
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headbang8

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I wanted to know if it would be rude when going online searching for partners to ask if they identify as a bottom or a top?

What if my partner wants to top, but I tell them I am not okay with that? What if we had a good friendship going on, up until sex was brought up? Do we just end the relationship there?

Some pretty straightforward answers to these questions.
  • As @Brodie888 said, many of the people on apps are there for a hookup more than a relationship, so being open about what you want to do in bed ain’t a problem.
  • If you get to bed, and he asks you to do something you don’t want to do, say so. And be firm. Even in intimate situations, maintain your boundaries, as @Here_Now says. It may feel uncomfortable for someone who leans toward codependency, since your first instinct may be to please your partner. But standing your ground in the moment is a skill you’ll need for a healthy relationship both inside and outside the bedroom. Saying no to an act is not the same as saying no to a person.
  • Having sex with a friend runs the risk of spoiling a friendship, true. But if you think the guy has potential as a partner, That’s a risk you’ll need to take. No omelettes without broken eggs etc... if you lose a potential good friend...well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Onto the next. Eventually, one guy will click.
  • If you’ve worked out you aren’t sexually compatible, yes, end the sexual relationship. Does it spoil the friendship? Maybe, maybe not. It helps if you communicate about it beforehand, and you both approach your sex play in a spirit of adventure.
I don't want to make the same mistake by choosing someone for their tragic back story, but someone who is more emotionally stable, mature, similar education level, as well as interests and hobbies. But I am worried if we are going to come across issues when it is time for physical intimacy.

To my ears, this has echoes of codependency.

Every pair comes across issues in the bedroom, no matter how much they prepare. In a way, the “issues” are part of the fun. Exploring each other’s bodies and discovering their turn ons.

Bit of tough love. Do you want to make sure boundaries are drawn in advance so you don’t have to negotiate boundaries in the moment? To overcome codependency, perhaps you’ll need to become more comfortable with this sort of sexual negotiation, where two people wing it in a lighthearted, non-threatening way.

Don’t pick out the curtain material before you have a sexual test-drive!
 
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Jaden90

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I don't think it's rude at all - and seems to be the done thing these days. As much as I feel that sexual compatability is important, it wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me if for whatever reason my partner decided they never wanted to bottom again. Tastes change overtime and our relationship is built upon more than who does what during sex.

You might feel that it's best to be upfront with anyone you consider going to bed with and I think that's really healthy and shows good communication however don't feel pressured to draw these lines in the sand so early.

Would you really throw the towel in with a guy despite a really good connection if they had the desire to top you? It's ofcourse your right to refuse to do that but there are middle-grounds in all things.

If you do begin dating a guy it's best to discover and explore with each other, you might find with a different partner you find yourself deviating from the role(s) you've been used to performing.
 
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Lol234

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How was your therapist in a position to assign a diagnosis to your ex? Were you in sessions together? Also, why would your therapist think that it's ethically acceptable to share the diagnosis with you?

Perhaps I simplified that.

My therapist was educating me about Cluster B personality types. I understand that there is a lot of stigma for each of these disorders, and I don't intend on reinforcing them. I told my therapist upon exploring all four personality types that when I reflected on my ex's behavior and decision-making, that I started to believe that he fit the criteria for BPD, and she affirmed but did not distinctly declare him that he is Borderline. It's not like she reported that to his insurance.

I mean I want to respect my ex's personal background, but if you want to understand why I came to that conclusion that he has BPD, it's because he:

1. Told me he was abandoned by his mother.
2. Sexually abused and pimped by other people in his family.
3. Practiced self-harm when he was 10, but has since stopped.
4. Constantly begged me not to break up with him.
5. Had a short temper.
6. Misinterpreted or overanalyzed social cues.
7. Was very impulsive.
8. Struggled with empathizing with expressing my own traumas.
9. Constantly shifted from idealizing me to saying that I was a bad boyfriend.
10. Disrespected my boundaries with my personal time and sex.
11. Complained and was self-aware of mood swings.
12. Lied about being 17 like I was when I first met him, but later telling me he was actually 5 years older than me because he didn't want to be judged for his age, even though that really tells me how manipulative he is.

I'm not saying he has BPD to diminish him as a person but to recognize that he has a serious mental health problem that really needs to be addressed. Near the end of the relationship, I suggested that the two of us go into couple counseling, but that's when he was getting ready to leave to another state. I was practically playing therapist throughout the relationship to help him heal his wounds from his childhood traumas, but you know that was a big mistake on my part. I probably made his mental health worse by going into a relationship with him, because now he won't even take responsibility that he cheated on me. He denies it, even though he's been cheated/heartbroken before.

I'm not as bitter about him as I used to be. I was heartbroken when I saw the first guy, angry when I found out there was a second guy, shocked when I found out about a third guy and laughed when I found out there was a tenth guy.

Again my therapist didn't diagnose him without meeting him. She just agreed with my suggestion, but she cannot legally declare that he has the diagnosis. I am not even technically diagnosing him, I just think he really fits the criteria very well.
 

malakos

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Perhaps I simplified that.

My therapist was educating me about Cluster B personality types. I understand that there is a lot of stigma for each of these disorders, and I don't intend on reinforcing them. I told my therapist upon exploring all four personality types that when I reflected on my ex's behavior and decision-making, that I started to believe that he fit the criteria for BPD, and she affirmed but did not distinctly declare him that he is Borderline. It's not like she reported that to his insurance.

I mean I want to respect my ex's personal background, but if you want to understand why I came to that conclusion that he has BPD, it's because he:

1. Told me he was abandoned by his mother.
2. Sexually abused and pimped by other people in his family.
3. Practiced self-harm when he was 10, but has since stopped.
4. Constantly begged me not to break up with him.
5. Had a short temper.
6. Misinterpreted or overanalyzed social cues.
7. Was very impulsive.
8. Struggled with empathizing with expressing my own traumas.
9. Constantly shifted from idealizing me to saying that I was a bad boyfriend.
10. Disrespected my boundaries with my personal time and sex.
11. Complained and was self-aware of mood swings.
12. Lied about being 17 like I was when I first met him, but later telling me he was actually 5 years older than me because he didn't want to be judged for his age, even though that really tells me how manipulative he is.

I'm not saying he has BPD to diminish him as a person but to recognize that he has a serious mental health problem that really needs to be addressed. Near the end of the relationship, I suggested that the two of us go into couple counseling, but that's when he was getting ready to leave to another state. I was practically playing therapist throughout the relationship to help him heal his wounds from his childhood traumas, but you know that was a big mistake on my part. I probably made his mental health worse by going into a relationship with him, because now he won't even take responsibility that he cheated on me. He denies it, even though he's been cheated/heartbroken before.

I'm not as bitter about him as I used to be. I was heartbroken when I saw the first guy, angry when I found out there was a second guy, shocked when I found out about a third guy and laughed when I found out there was a tenth guy.

Again my therapist didn't diagnose him without meeting him. She just agreed with my suggestion, but she cannot legally declare that he has the diagnosis. I am not even technically diagnosing him, I just think he really fits the criteria very well.

This makes a lot more sense of the situation. It sounds to me like your therapist is not overstepping his/her bounds, as merely affirming a client's thought process as reasonable isn't committing to much of an evaluation, and for your sake I'm very glad of that.
 
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cedarizzo

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Whether a potential dating partner was a bottom or a top was never something that mattered to me. If you find a potential partner, go on a few dates. See if you like the guy. See how compatible the two of you are. If you are interested in the guy, then mention your preference (usually they will mention their preference).

It is hard enough to find a partner without adding more requirements on them.