When sexploration goes too far

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by paigexox, Jan 4, 2011.

  1. paigexox

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    I thought this was a befitting thread since my boyfriend and I may have dunked our own relationship by getting too zealous over the holidays. We engaged in a sexual encounter with one of my room mates and her partner, and at the time my boyfriend was completely OK with this -- encouraging actually. We both thought this would be a mutually beneficial thing, as he had never partaken in any sexual event with more than one girl, and had hinted on previous encounters that it could be something he was comfortable exploring.

    For me, I got to stroke a few things off my to-do (or try list, as abhorrent as it sounds), and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, as well as seeing my boyfriend copulate with my friend, as weird as that may be.

    The problem, however, seems to be that somewhere along the way my boyfriend became uncomfortable with the situation, but never took the precedent to vocalize, or stop us/stop himself with us. Regrettably, this has effectively put a damper on our relationship, because as he has confided, he saw something in me he didn't like, and at some point didn't like the idea of another male being able to pleasure me.

    It sounds horrible to say, but part of me feels like I actually don't care if it ends because I don't think I should have to essentially censor myself, apologize for enjoying myself, or deprive myself of possible future experiences such as that. But I do understand how selfish and objectifying the statement is.


    Has anyone else found themselves in a conundrum like this because they've pushed it "too far?"
     
    #1 paigexox, Jan 4, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2011
  2. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

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    I have had an ex a couple of years ago who wanted me to partake in a threesome with another guy so he could see me being pleasured by some other guy as well.. However even though the thought of it was kind of exciting I never took part in it..because he was too jealous at heart. Out of his own hornyness and idealizing the fantasy he said he would be able to handle it..but no. In my heart I knew that if he would see me get pleasure from another man..he would just die..

    So I have never done it..

    You just have to be 200% sure that the both partners are absolutely openminded enough to engage in stuff like that..because it can open up a can of worms..

    But in your case..If you feel you have a lot of desires left waiting to be explored, maybe you have discovered that you just arent a match in that respect and its time to move on. But just make sure that you absolutely feel that that is really important to you..
     
  3. Mule

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    One of the necessary elements of exploring new sexual activities is the honest and open after-action critique. Everyone involved has to be able to ask, "did I like that, and would I do it again?" then answer fully. Just as important is the ability to accept the view of others involved.

    Your boyfriend didn't get as much out of the experience as you did. That's fine and you should respect that. He should also respect the fact that you thoroughly enjoyed yourself. It sounds like you both need to have a frank discussion about where you want to go from here regarding the mutually accepted limits of your relationship. If you can agree on terms, you stay together. If not, accept that you're on different pages and go your separate ways.
     
  4. paigexox

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    I really do appreciate what he must feel, but that whole dichotomy of pleasure seems to be the real issue. Where I enjoyed myself and am fully open about it, he seems to be really shut down and non vocal. The only reason we got into this in the first place was because we were 100% cool with it. It's just a bit sad that sexual eagerness pushed things this way, even though he did seem to enjoy himself.
     
  5. Mule

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    It may be that he is still processing the episode and isn't exactly sure what he feels. You could try to get him to talk about it, and just listen - let him find his own way through his thoughts. Some people love the idea of something then find out afterward that it wasn't the way they expected it to be, or were not prepared for the emotional impact of it. If you can be supportive and get him to open up, you might find that there's just one point that's bothering him and you can address that issue together.
     
  6. paigexox

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    I too have felt that pang of death where you just ponder wtf you did after even a great sexual event.

    The weird thing is he waited this long to tell me, and we've had sex since then. :confused: I guess it's just time to wait it out and encourage him, really I don't think he has anything to be insecure about, as he was fantastic throughout and nothing embarrassing transpired.

    Just a live an learn thing.
     
  7. Mule

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    It definitely wouldn't be a bad idea to tell him that you were proud of how he performed. Giving him a little extra ego boost wouldn't hurt.
     
  8. NottsBound

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    For most men, ego plays a massive part in our lives. For people like him, or me, being the only one who can pleasure our woman to a certain extent, helps satisfy our ego.

    I guess when he saw you being pleasured by the other man made him think that he isn't that special to you when it come to sexual arousal.

    I think to soothe his thoughts you have to stress, to him, that you thoroughly enjoyed the experience because of how kinky it was to partake in such an event. Tell him it turned you on to see him pleasure someone else. You could also say to him, that no one can pleasure you the way he (boyfriend) does.

    My guess is that his ego or his confidence has been shook by seeing you being pleasured by another man.

    I know this is not the best of advice but this is what I can see from my point of view.

    I just wanted to ask you a question, did he look hurt because the other man was pleasure you more than your boyfriend normally does?
     
  9. paigexox

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    No, certainly not. In fact they both shared in the roles of givers with both us girls, and by sharing, I mean at the same time. I didn't notice anything awry during it.

    I really need to discuss it with him more, but I really plan to stress that sex under that context for me is *just* kinky and taboo sex. It's not romantic, it's definitely not love, simply carnal desire. I am hoping that's an ideal we can both share, because I would like for that to become an open possibility for the future.
     
    #9 paigexox, Jan 4, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2011
  10. SilverTrain

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    Probably totally unqualified to chime in, but....

    It comes down to faith and trust. If one person doesn't trust that the other one still loves him or her, is still enamored of him or her, etc., then the relationship is indeed in trouble. If he no longer trusts that you love him, are turned on by him, that's trouble. It definitely seems possible to me that you could impress on him your ongoing love/ardour/etc for him, and that despite your enjoyment of the escapade, you are still his girl (so to speak). Of course, you may not actually have those feelings still.

    On the other hand, if he just can't handle that someone else can give you sexual pleasure, that's even bigger trouble, because there is no way to heal that (unless he miraculously heals his own insecurity--unlikely).
     
  11. D_Pomeroy Pokingstick

    D_Pomeroy Pokingstick Account Disabled

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    I'm sure you heard this before...but,

    I'm sorry that your feeling shitty about the situation, and from a guys point of view...it sounds like your bf really cares about you and maybe feeling a little insecure about losing you to someone else or perhaps seeing you pleasured by someone who is not him obviously. It's good to hear that you enjoyed doing some "to do" things and exploring as you intended, I must say though it seems like your a open person and would communicate well with your bf before going through with it at least from talking with you on here.

    I am sure you will work through it, I think your in the right place for advice :smile:

    I hope all the LPSG ladies give you some good advice! Actually I just read what "Mule" left you, that sounds good too




     
  12. Supersized

    Supersized New Member

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    I fingered a guy unprotected. I was scared I would get HIV afterward.
     
  13. paigexox

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    Well as someone else voiced to me, this is a fortuitous moment to either make a stronger bond or break an incompatible one. I am in some ways glad that this is a bridge we have to cross, because really, it's something we did together, and can resolve. By the same token, we're both learning new things about one another.

    Interesting given that our entire history was based around sex first, a strong relationship formed from that.
     
  14. SilverTrain

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    Objection: relevance. Move to strike.
     
  15. SilverTrain

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    I forgot to add originally that, despite (as you note) the potential for growth in circumstances such as this, it can be quite an emotionally draining and/or painful experience to be in the midst of it. And for that, you have my empathy. :grouphug:
     
  16. paigexox

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    One of the reasons why I post here first. Helps align the thoughts and see things from a few perspectives. Sort of like a simulator before doing the real thing. :smile:
     
  17. hsarge

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    If your relationship with him started with sexual pleasure, he may be insecure that you got so much pleasure from the other guy, you may want to start a relationship there.
     
  18. paigexox

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    Haha, this sounds like a call to jump ship.
    I understand what you mean though
     
  19. hsarge

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    I forgot a 'that'; sorry. But remember, don't you jump ship; throw him overboard.
     
  20. D_Etienne Neerdowell

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    To be fair is doesn't sound like you've pushed it too far. I think that your partner didn't fully understand the ramifications of the arrangement - something which is unforgivable given the premeditation of the encounter.

    Sounds as though your partners ego is badly bruised though and if your relationship meant enough to you then you would be willing to censor yourself to a degree to maintain a balance. The fact that you don't want to do this tells you all you need to know.

    Typically I think the majority of people explore different sexual experiences with their partners as they are comfortable enough with that person to do so. Strong relationships which have solid foundations will see couples properly discussing the outcomes of these experiences and selecting what they liked and what they don't like.

    Weaker relationships see couples which are more introverted emotionally and the same level of communication doesn't take place either before or after.

    Bringing a third (or fourth) party into a relationship is an act which tests the resolve of most couples who try it and for that reason I don't think that many couples repeat the experience.
     
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