When sexploration goes too far

[B_willy5904]

Hey people, here is some ground breaking news; sex is not a competition.

I am laying around in bed with the the men and women I share my life with and we have been reading this thread together. We all have had some interesting conversation as we have read this thread. The one thing all my partners that I am in bed with at the moment can agree upon is that the root of many issues in relationships is ego. And that in a multiple partner environment the is no room for ego. It is just misplaced, over-inflated pride.

Sharing my wife with my friends is not a competition. Yes, I have buddies with bigger cocks than I, and some maybe be more skillful lovers than I. But this is not a point of jealousy, but a fact of life. It does not mean that my wife prefers having sex with my best friend over me. We all find that this is a great opportunity to learn from each other. My wife knows that my best friend gives me the be head, better than she will ever be able to give. I might think that I am really good at eating pussy, but I know that every women in this house is better at it than I am. But we have all had a lot of fun learning from each other.

The first night I had sex with my wife, then college girlfriend, I shared her with my roommate who is also my best friend. That evening she watched my buddy give me head and was amazed at how good he was a sucking cock. She told him that she wanted to learn how to give head that well, and asked him to teach her. He has been enjoying teaching her how for almost 28 years. And I have been enjoying learning from the women in my life how to eat pussy better and better with every passing year.

There was much discussion concerning having casual sex or committed sex if you need to have an emotional attachment to a person to have sex with them. My wife and I have been sharing our bed with the same 3 couples since we where in college. We not only share our bed but our lives with each other, the eight of us are the best of friends we have the closest relationships with each other that can be imagined. That is probably why our lifestyle have been so successful; definitely committed sex.

But we all have boy and girl friends that we fuck outside of our group relationship. Some of these involve close relationships, others are just casual sex. We all know about each others outside sex relationships and they do not produce jealously within our home.

If you are going to explore having multiple partners use it as a learning opportunity. Explore the edges of your boundaries, learn to be a better lover from your partners. Communicate openly with your partners before, during, and after you have sex.

Everyone is telling me to make sure that I add this final point. I think this applies if you have sex with multiple partners, or just a traditional couple of 2. Strive to give your partner pleasure, instead of being focused on getting off yourself. If you make sure that you are pleasuring your partner as best as you can they will be sure that you are also pleasured to the best of their ability.

Sorry if this post is a bit rambling but I hope someone can get something out if it. Take what you like and leave the rest.

 

[marriedasian]

In short; I wouldn't mind seeing her pleasured by someone else but not to the point where the pleasure gained from sex with someone else, is greater than the pleasure I give her. Do you get what I'm saying now?

that's exactly what i got the first time, my concern was that eventually you may run across a guy(s) who can and will do better than you. that's a part of the reality of it that i feel we all should accept before going into it. that's all, no pun.

See, this is sort of the problem. There is a fundamental difference between pure physical pleasure and that of the emotional variety. Sleeping with "random" people *is* a purely physical act to me -- it's great fun, it does the body well, but that's where it ends. I collect no emotional nurturing, steadfast commitment, or experience that fuzzy-warm feeling inside that we all describe with such hyperbole.

Those are things only possible for my hypothetical "love" sate. However, that isn't to say that I wouldn't mind the physical side of things with others for the face-value pleasure, because getting that, as well as knowing the person you trust and care for is allowing it to transpire, wants you to experience it, and will share in that experience... well that just shuffles the whole deck clean.

that's how i feel about the whole thing. i think we all need to be able to separate or combine love, sex, trust at any given moment for it to work.

 

[paigexox]

I'll make an update post later on this afternoon. I am just a bit brain dead at the moment and can't think of how I want to write what I need to. :frown1:

Just to follow-up, I am going to keep this as brief as possible because I don't think there's any better way to do it:

-I presented my viewpoint
-Heard him out -- he didn't like me receiving pleasure from the roommate or her boyfriend because I seemed to let go too easily and get comfortable with the role
-I brought up how that sounds like a bit of a double-standard because he really enjoyed my roommate and never thought to mention a word of it
-Basically got name-called, which is ok, tempers flare and all that shit -- but I am not one to become a punching bag for immaturity. I really got the impression he had already made his mind up before hand and nothing I said would have mattered anyways
-I made one last final appeal to reconcile, and he basically scoffed at it
-We called it off

That's about as straight-forward and honest as I can recall. There are a lot of discussion nuances that went on in-between, so if you want details, just ask.

But that's the smith's notes of the ordeal.

 

[Mule]

From your account, I think your decision was the right one. He's not mature enough to handle an open relationship.

 

[hsarge]

Wow; it sounds like he wanted the pleasure of swapping without you enjoying the same thing. I know that you both agreed to this activity ahead of time. I can understand if he said he didn't want to do it again; but to dump you after, is really strange, since you acted with his approval. It seems to be part of that 'double standard'. Only you can tell if this was a sense of possessiveness. It would appear that he was not really prepared for this and/or already insecure in the relationship.

 

[paigexox]

Well in part I think he was more enraged by the fact that I wasn't.

And I increasingly got the impression a big part of the problem was that he knew he was *very* endowed (and a very skilled, caring lover), but that didn't seem to count for much in the grand scheme of the foursome. Kind of like he had an epiphany than an orgasm is an orgasm in a sense.


I don't know, emotions sometimes cloud the motives behind words in these cases. He did keep repeating the whole notion of "seeing something in me that night," and I really couldn't refute a vague accusation like that.

Maybe he didn't like me after that point physically, I don't know.

 

[hsarge]

His loss.

 

[paigexox]

It's sort of no-win, I am starting to think I need to find a bi guy, or something. Or just a girl. That might be easier.

 

[Mule]

And I increasingly got the impression a big part of the problem was that he knew he was *very* endowed (and a very skilled, caring lover), but that didn't seem to count for much in the grand scheme of the foursome. Kind of like he had an epiphany than an orgasm is an orgasm in a sense.

Hmmm... I wonder if maybe he expected everyone involved to fawn over his endowment? I think there's a tendency with larger guys to invest too much of their sexual identity in the size of their equipment and if it's not the center of attention they feel somehow rejected or jilted.

 

[hsarge]

That is your choice, but there is a significant 'swapping' community and cuckolding couples (Cuckolds.com Forums - Powered by vBulletin). Swappers often allow women to attend without a partner, but rarely the other way. You might find people willing to share that way, if sharing partners is what you want. Just Google 'swapping' and your town to see what is available. You might also want monogamy, but just not yet.

 

[apex1972]

It may not be that she enjoyed it but that he perceived her as enjoying the other guy more than himself.

Another possibility is that he felt Paigexox's female friend didn't enjoy him as much as Paigexox enjoyed the other guy.

Either way I think a conversation needs to be had about it where the true issues are brought out.

think about it, it was a new person and its always a little more exciting when its someone new. this is why you dont do this with someone you have real feelings for. ive been in mmf and mff 3somes . but the only time it was with a girlfriend i actually cared about ,it was with another girl not another guy.

 

[D_Pomeroy Pokingstick]

How many guys will be changing their sexual orientation from 100% Straight 0% Gay to 99% Straight 1% Gay after reading this?

hmmmm...

It's sort of no-win, I am starting to think I need to find a bi guy, or something. Or just a girl. That might be easier.

 

[paigexox]

but the only time it was with a girlfriend i actually cared about ,it was with another girl not another guy.

I always find it funny that other males are perceived as a greater threat than women. In a lot of ways it's dead-wrong under the context of sex!

 

[Phil Ayesho]

People have control of their emotions and behaviour. Their emotions and behaviour are not in control of them. Sexual partners, while they may have the potential, are only able to touch 'that part of you' in any significant way if you allow it.

You should read a little more about human physiology.
No, people do not have control of their emotional responses to certain kinds of stimulus.
There are things wired in your brain WAY below the threshold of the controlling cortex... in the primitive limbic part of the brain that harks back to our most primitive animal ancestors.

Sex, attraction, and pheromomal response have channels of affect that we have no conscious control of whatsoever.

And you can play at being aloof and removed... but sooner or later, you , or one of your casual partners ( meaning in the general sense, I am not meaning to suggest you, personally engage in this kind of thing ) will have far more of a response than you planned on.

As I pointed out... yes... its possible for people to have sex casually... as long as they have sex with people who do not attract them on these deep levels...

But you do not know, in advance, which person might ring that chord deep inside you... not until you are with them... and, of course, by then, its too late.
Neither do you know, up front, if you are the person who will have such an effect on someone else.

I have lived a long tome... thru the sexual revolution and before AIDS when casual sexual experimentation was at its zenith in this country.

I don't know a single soul who played the game of casual sex for many years who did not get hurt, or did not deeply hurt someone else.

Your point is meaningless, because I don't care if there are totally self absorbed people capable of treating others like little more than an appliance.

Sex involves more than just One person.

And serial,casual, multiple partner sex involves lots of other people.

And MOST human beings are susceptible to biology driven emotion.



I am not judging folks who want to have sexual fun.
I am saying be smart enough to know that you are shooting craps with hearts.
Both other people's, and your own.

 

[Attila the Hung]

I always find it funny that other males are perceived as a greater threat than women. In a lot of ways it's dead-wrong under the context of sex!

Care to elaborate?

 

[Phil Ayesho]

It's sort of no-win, I am starting to think I need to find a bi guy, or something. Or just a girl. That might be easier.

Some of my best friends are lesbians.

They are plagued by just as much jealousy, injury, sensitivity and insecurity as any other form of coupling dynamic.

And even when merely playing the field... they still break hearts and get theirs broken.

A Bi guy might be a better bet. But he still might end up jealous of the other guy liking you more than him.

 

[paigexox]

You should read a little more about human physiology.
No, people do not have control of their emotional responses to certain kinds of stimulus.
There are things wired in your brain WAY below the threshold of the controlling cortex...

This is to infer that society and the mind play no role, which is false.

It's a complex bio/psycho/social event. You can never break emotion down so it cleanly fits into any one paradigm. If this were the case, we wouldn't have problems with people coping with certain emotional issues -- we could just synthesize one type of drug to purely combat a given physiological precursors and voila, the issue would be solved. Instead we're stuck with things like SSRI's or the like that have many effects splash effects.

Some of my best friends are lesbians.

They are plagued by just as much jealousy, injury, sensitivity and insecurity as any other form of coupling dynamic.

Humans are plagued with these problems on a whole. I don't think moving to someone with a different sexual orientation will completely change the game, but it might facilitate more open relations, and less conflict.

Care to elaborate?

Sex with another woman can be just as satisfying, if not even more satisfying. You get to share a lot of the same hardware, and can reciprocate in ways you can't with a man -- i.e dildo each other, fondle the same parts on her that she is on you, mimic motions during 69's... the skin texture is different, the smells are all different, new emotions, and in a lot of cases much less performance anxiety and greater openness... it's just a whole new dimension in my experience. You get to share the same thing(s) in a very good way.

And yes, it can be crappy too.

 

[SilverTrain]

It's sort of no-win, I am starting to think I need to find a bi guy, or something. Or just a girl. That might be easier.

[Count this as a response to all your recent posts]

My instinctive reaction to your very understandable irritation is to lay down some corn along the lines of "nothing ventured, nothing gained (or lost)." I am truly respecting your courage and gumption both in going for the foursome, and in sharing about the ensuing fallout in your relationship with us. I commend you for your sturdy character and am saying a silent prayer to the Tao of Sensual Wisdom that you will allow your wonderfully open mind to stay that way. People tend to recoil from pain, often serving only to close themselves off to the fullness of the life experience. Don't do that! In the words of the Dred Pirate Roberts, "Life IS pain, Princess. Anyone who tells you different is selling something." Hang in there. :smile:

Obnoxious sermon finished.

 

[marriedasian]

-I presented my viewpoint
-Heard him out -- he didn't like me receiving pleasure from the roommate or her boyfriend because I seemed to let go too easily and get comfortable with the role

he may have felt threatened as to how easily you got "comfortable" but the truth is that when engaging in these activities, being comfortable is a very good sign. he mistook a good for a bad.

-I brought up how that sounds like a bit of a double-standard because he really enjoyed my roommate and never thought to mention a word of it

i always find it strange and humorous how guys can do the deed and it's perfectly okay but as soon as their girl does it, all hell breaks loose.

-Basically got name-called, which is ok, tempers flare and all that shit -- but I am not one to become a punching bag for immaturity. I really got the impression he had already made his mind up before hand and nothing I said would have mattered anyways

it's not okay that he was calling you names. it shows that he's still angry and have not come to a state of mind where proper reason can be discussed. sounds like he wasn't going to try and save the relationship more so trying to find a justification for his own feelings (whatever they were).

-I made one last final appeal to reconcile, and he basically scoffed at it
-We called it off

depending on how much the relationship means to you (and with some luck), maybe he'll come to his senses when he really cools off, and you two can try again with him initiating first contact; otherwise it's over.

It's sort of no-win, I am starting to think I need to find a bi guy, or something. Or just a girl. That might be easier.

i think this was a win-win but the fact that he didn't want to even try to make it a win-win was the core issue. also, you'll have just as much problems with bi-guys or girls. it's not the sexual orientation here, it's the person.


i personally had hoped that you would reconcile and that he would come around, or at least come to a compromise but it seems that the damage was too great to be undone and he won't participate. it sucks but at least now you know. live and learn; read my sig.

 

[kinda_hung]

I'd love to roll around in the sac with you and another couple Paige. I don't have a jealous bone or ego issue at all! Bring it on.