When sexploration goes too far

[B_subgirrl]

You should read a little more about human physiology.
No, people do not have control of their emotional responses to certain kinds of stimulus.
There are things wired in your brain WAY below the threshold of the controlling cortex... in the primitive limbic part of the brain that harks back to our most primitive animal ancestors.

Sex, attraction, and pheromomal response have channels of affect that we have no conscious control of whatsoever.

YOU should read a little more about human PSYCHOLOGY. The initial physiological response to an event is largely involuntary if the person is unprepared. However, our interpretations of that physiological response, and the later development of more complex emotions, are as Paige said '. . . a complex bio/psycho/social event' and can be significantly affected by our thought processes.

And you can play at being aloof and removed... but sooner or later, you , or one of your casual partners ( meaning in the general sense, I am not meaning to suggest you, personally engage in this kind of thing ) will have far more of a response than you planned on.

As I pointed out... yes... its possible for people to have sex casually... as long as they have sex with people who do not attract them on these deep levels...

But you do not know, in advance, which person might ring that chord deep inside you... not until you are with them... and, of course, by then, its too late.
Neither do you know, up front, if you are the person who will have such an effect on someone else.

Maybe you don't feel that it is possible for YOU to have sex with certain people without an ongoing and problematic emotional response. For many of us it is indeed possible, DESPITE being 'attracted on a deeper level' or having a 'chord rung deep inside you'.

I don't know a single soul who played the game of casual sex for many years who did not get hurt, or did not deeply hurt someone else.

I have known several.

Your point is meaningless, because I don't care if there are totally self absorbed people capable of treating others like little more than an appliance.

Sex involves more than just One person.

No one is being disparaging of your sexual choices. Why are you being disparaging those of others? It is entirely possible to disagree and have a discussion WITHOUT throwing out insults.

And to answer your point, I believe that if the parameters of a relationship are clearly defined, all participants have given informed consent. As such, to put it bluntly, if a person gets hurt because of those agreed upon boundaries, it's their own bloody fault. If it's not something you're gonna like, don't do it. If you've realised you've made a mistake, end it and take responsibility for your own mistake - don't try to pass it off onto someone who was honest with you in the first place.

I am not judging folks who want to have sexual fun.

Bullshit.

Just to follow-up, I am going to keep this as brief as possible because I don't think there's any better way to do it:

-I presented my viewpoint
-Heard him out -- he didn't like me receiving pleasure from the roommate or her boyfriend because I seemed to let go too easily and get comfortable with the role
-I brought up how that sounds like a bit of a double-standard because he really enjoyed my roommate and never thought to mention a word of it
-Basically got name-called, which is ok, tempers flare and all that shit -- but I am not one to become a punching bag for immaturity. I really got the impression he had already made his mind up before hand and nothing I said would have mattered anyways
-I made one last final appeal to reconcile, and he basically scoffed at it
-We called it off

That's about as straight-forward and honest as I can recall. There are a lot of discussion nuances that went on in-between, so if you want details, just ask.

But that's the smith's notes of the ordeal.

Thank you for the more detailed update. Personally, I think you are better off out of it.

 

[ladygaga1977]

honey.......my boyfriend wants me to experience with another guy and with him,,,,,but i am afraid this could be potencially harmfull to our relationship...really dont know what to do.....the idea of beeing pleasured by 2 guys make me extremelly horny but i am afraid...........

 

[ladygaga1977]

i agree its a problem of male ego.....try to tell your bf that u love him and that event was just sexual......anything else
kiss

 

[ladygaga1977]

and also the comment your bf made u "seeing something in me that night," is really vague...he just saw you can enjoy yourself with another guys cock and most of guys can t handdle that,,,,,,,they still think of gf as their mothers that they are there own property and cant feel sexual desiree........many things still to improve in males mind......even in the younger generations ( sorry for my poor english)

 

[fizzyjizz]

It's sort of no-win, I am starting to think I need to find a bi guy, or something. Or just a girl. That might be easier.

I've got no interest in men, but if my girlfriend looked like you i'd give anything a try!

Last year i was sleeping with a girl who had a bf and, long story short, it led to a threesome. (Of course he didnt know we'd already been fucking before then). The threesome itself was fun, although it was only about pleasuring her and me and the guy didnt touch eachother at all.

The problems started afterwards. My penis was a lot bigger than his, and he would constantly nag about about whether mine felt better than his. He seemed to get very insecure. Ultimately, it had a bad effect on the relationship and they broke up. Although it wasn't a good relationship anyway - since she was cheating on him before - the 3some definitely brought it to a quicker end.

It is my opinion that women may be better at sharing their lovers than men; primarily because they aren't as competitive about comparing body parts as men are.

 

[Drifterwood]

I have found group sex to be much better without an LTR complication.

In response to LadyGaga, I have seen incredible jealousy fester in women as a result of their "partner's" response to another woman. If you are going to be comfortable with group sex, you have to be able to deal with the response, yes, to the question, did you prefer her, ass, tits, pussy, blow job etc etc. Even if you only ask it in your head. Same for men. In fact, the question should be moot.

And Phil is correct, even the most casual sex can lead to very difficult emotional responses.

 

[cu_curious]

he just saw you can enjoy yourself with another guys cock and most of guys can t handdle that,,,,,,,they still think of gf as their mothers.....many things still to improve in males mind......even in the younger generations ( sorry for my poor english)

Im sure we can all forgive your errors in the use of the english language. However, your piss poor, armchair critique of the male psyche leaves alot to be desired. For instance, were you just referring to the male mind like a tech geek would a 2.0 software release?? And just for the record, I dont get women Im sleeping with and my mother confused. Im sure even in a bleeding edge beta version that needs a complete re-design.

TO PAIGE: I think you're idea about finding a bi-guy that is more likely to be able to handle this is off base. Gaga was right. Most men cant see the person they care for getting pleasure from another man. Most women couldnt stand to see the converse. Just from reading your posts I'd peg you to be a intillegent, cooly analytical, maybe even somewhat emotionally detached. Not in a bad way! But whenever someone can say, "i was called names in the heat of battle, but its OK, that happens", thats a person that, lets just say has their emotions under control.

I know Im getting into some armchair psychology here too, but I actually have a point. Some people's emotions have more rule and command over their mood, outlook, and general actions than you might fully appreciate. From what you've said, I'd agree that he asked for something he couldnt handle. Said he could swim but jumped in the deep end and got in over his head. And I think this happens in experimental relationships ALOT.
OH, I wanna swim! I wanna swim! Ooops, its not as easy as I though it would be. The point Im making is some people wont know how they will respond emotionally until they do it.

Bi. Straight. Man. Woman. Doesnt matter. Their emotions are a strong driving force...and who can predict emotions?

Now, that being said, there are PLENTY of straight guys who'd be completely into this. No regrets. But no one will tell you its going to be easy to find.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

This is to infer that society and the mind play no role, which is false.

You can say that... but you would be in error.
Society is an evolved construct... it is the way that "works" for the survival of that population. Behaviors that do not work, do not result in social and breeding success, long term.

And I did not deny the role of the mind... but that role is not as powerful as you imagine it to be.

What we 'tell' ourselves is mostly rationalizations after the fact for things we are driven toward by biology and genetics.

For example... its been proven that, when women cheat on their husbands, regardless of their being on birth control, regardless of what they tell themselves, they are 3 times as likely to cheat on the days that they are ovulating, despite the fact that they almost never know when they are ovulating. This is amazing since they are only ovulating for a handful of days each month.

Certainly these women imagined they had all kinds of Other reasons behind cheating on the days they cheated... when asked, they all represented that they had, either, carefully thought thru the event and planned it ( unaware they were planning for a day they would be ovulating ) or they had done it on the spur of the moment... which does not explain why the very opportunity to have such a 'moment' tended to occur when they were ovulating.


This kind of verifiable behavoir strongly argues that the 'mind' you so vaunt is actually driven by the hormones, rather than vice versa, and that this happens at a level well below conscious apprehension.

Similarly, it has been shown that, rather than the brain being involved in controlling sexual response, that it is in fact the glands that respond First, and the signals from the glands that determine mental response.

A scent, or pheromone, drives an association in the brain that sparks arousal... a certain quality of being touched can DEFINE your emotional response....
With no way of mentally 'knowing' it, its been shown that people tend to find folks with certain significant genetic variance from themselves to be the most attractive and stimulating... that is your body's evolved mechanism for improving your genetic chances thru mixing genes ( hybrid vigor)


in other words... someone who your biology is telling you is "right" for you, will drive your emotional and sexual response, without your personal volition.


Like I said... you can play around, and hold yourself aloof... but you are playing a game wherein there is always a chance you will run into someone you can not help but fall for...



Beyond that... socially and mentally... I know you want to believe, like most folks, that you are special and individual, like a snowflake... but that is just a pretty narrative that has no relevance to reality.

In reality, people are MOSTLY alike. Its the reason a great film director and screenwriter can take 400 unique individuals, put them in a dark room, and get them to ALL feel exactly the same thing, at exactly the same time, thru a 2 hour long movie... cheering for the bad guy... tearing for the protagonist... anxious, laughing, surprised... all together, because when it comes down to it, human responses ALL fall within a very narrow spectrum.


Like it or not... most people pair bond. Like it or not, most will suffer some form of jealousy or insecurity over the idea of their mate straying...

And tho some people can keep their heart aloof, some of the time... Nobody can keep their heart aloof ALL of the time.

At least, this is what science and thousands of years of human art and literature says...

You don't have to believe me...

The same movie and book plots keep getting re-told, generation after generation, because every generation feels they are different...

...and most people have to learn this stuff the hard way...

 

[Incocknito]

I see something in everyone I have sex with. I see my cock disappear inside them. I see their eyes glaze over with tears of joy. I see them smile at me. I like it :redface:

Basically he saw you have an orgasm. I've seen people have orgasms too. Of course the dynamic is different in multiple vs single partner sexual relations.

But its just an orgasm. And I'm sure you saw him have an orgasm. So his argument is a little bit weak. I guess you've both learned the downside of group sex: someone always gets jealous.

Well maybe not always but in this case at least.