When spouse makes it difficult

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by kingjf64, Nov 18, 2008.

  1. kingjf64

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    I'm not sure how many others are experiencing the same thing, but after 20 years of marriage with my wife, it seems we almost never have sex anymore as I believe it's now been about 18 months already. My spouse has had a history of health problem including asthma, 3 abortions, a c-section and a gastric bypass surgery. In the past 18 months, she's had a hysterectomy and a tummy tuck and figured I'd wait at least 3-6 months before attempting, but I fear she is either completely uninterested or has no libido anymore. In the meantime, I am almost going completely impatient about it and have avoided confrontations concerning it since she does have a quick temper about these things and I get very submissive about it.

    While I've been faithful to her, except perhaps exhibiting myself on cam, etc., I don't want to end up the rest of my life just masturbating instead of doing it with the real thing.
     
  2. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

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    The best is to talk with her about it. I think she also want to have sex, but that she is afraid that you don't find her atractive anymore after all those operations that she went through. Also after the hysterectomy she probably don't feel much like a woman anymore and her confident is low because of that. She is afraid to admit that, but woman do prefer to know that they are still fertil like we do. Talk with her, that will be the best.
     
  3. Principessa

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    Number one, you need to be talking to your wife and her doctor, not us.



    Depression
    After a hysterectomy, many women experience some degree of depression. Your emotional state can be affected by your health, age and diet. Your attitude towards the operation is equally important. If you accept now that you will encounter some depression after your hysterectomy, it will be a lot easier to deal with. If you are experiencing anything beyond a 4-6 week depression, you should discuss it will your physician. It is always helpful to talk to friends, family, spouse. It is important to be able to discuss your feeling with someone.

    Sex life
    After having a hysterectomy, your sex life can be affected both emotionally and physically. One of the main emotions you will encounter is fear. Thinking about initiating sex after such a major surgery leaves many women feeling apprehensive. It is only normal to worry about pain, or hurting yourself. Once your doctor has said that it is okay to initiate sex, you should not worry about hurting yourself because you have had ample time to heal. You should wait for at least 4-6 weeks before sexual intercourse. There may also be a loss of sex drive after surgery. It does not mean that there will be a loss of sex drive forever, but there may be a decline in your sexual desire from what it was before the hysterectomy.


    Even though you will have the okay to have sex about 6 weeks after surgery, it may take a few months before sex can be enjoyed. This may be because the abdomen may feel bruised or sore and the vagina may have shrunk. Uncomfortable intercourse can also be a result of vaginal dryness that can be a result of a deficiency of estrogen. This is a common occurrence when the ovaries are removed. Some ways to help increase pleasure during intercourse can be through:
    -using erotic reading, pictures, films, change of location, dancing and activities that physically move the pelvic area
    more effort in intercourse to push the penis hard against the far end of the vagina in order to stimulate the peritoneum. Deep penetration is helped by the female-astride position or the man-on-top position with the woman's legs on the man's shoulders and pillows under her hips
    use of coconut oil or K-Y jelly to lubricate the clitoris and vagina
    more experimentation with oral sex or delicate manipulation of the clitoris
    learning to use penetration with fingers first to prepare for intercourse with a penis. This helps lubrication occur more rapidly
    try using a new pace. Move slower and respect the fact that stimulation may take longer

    After having a hysterectomy, it is extremely important to talk with your spouse and communicate what you are going through. Sharing this information will help your partner understand your physical and emotional needs.

    Estrogen Replacement Therapy
    It is very important to have a healthy diet and exercise after surgery. As well, estrogen replacement therapy (ERT) can help to control some of the symptoms that usually accompany a hysterectomy. This therapy is especially important for women who have had an oophorectomy (removal of the ovaries and fallopian tubes). The removal of the ovaries before menopause can result in your body experiencing a rapid decline in sex-hormone levels which can result in an instant onset of menopause. Due to the loss of estrogen, many women experience menopausal symptoms, such as hot flashes, night sweats and vaginal dryness. These symptoms can begin as soon as one to two days after surgery and can last longer than the symptoms of natural menopause.

    Taking ERT in order to replace estrogen that your body cannot otherwise produce can help to alleviate hot flashes, drying and shrinking of the reproductive structures. This can work to avoid and relieve related problems such as vaginal irritation, painful intercourse and difficulty or burning during urination. It is important to discuss the effects of ERT with your doctor if you have ever had cancer of the breast, uterus, unusual vaginal bleeding, abnormal blood clotting or any heart disease. Taking estrogen, can also help to prevent osteoporosis, the loss and deterioration of bone.

    Some women should not engage in ERT. It is always important to discuss your medical history with your physician and the risks that are involved. It is still being researched whether or not breast cancer risk is increased with the taking of estrogen. Some studies show an increased risk in breast cancer with women who take high doses of estrogen for long periods of time. Make sure that your doctor is aware of the following conditions if you have them; high blood pressure, kidney disease, asthma, skin allergy, epilepsy, migraine headache, diabetes, and depression. Some of the side effects that you may experience with taking estrogen are nausea, fluid retention, irregular bleeding and breast tenderness.

    Forms of Estrogen
    Tablets-The most common type of oral estrogens are conjugated equine estrogen. Tablets are generally taken daily for the number of days indicated by the prescribing doctor.

    Injections-For some women, injections will be better suited for them. The injected estrogens are slowly absorbed and circulated through the body over extended periods of time. The injections usually go right into the blood stream rather than through the stomach and liver. Injections are usually given by your physician once every 3-4 weeks.

    Transdermal estrogen- This is a Transdermal patch, placed on the skin. It is a new way to take estrogen for the treatment of menopausal symptoms and prevent postmenopausal osteoporosis. It is a small, clear, self-adhesive patch that contains a quantity of estradiol, which is identical to the hormone made by the ovaries. It is released at a relatively constant rate through the porous membrane at the base of the patch. The estradiol travels through tiny blood vessels near the skin's surface and enters the circulatory system. Once it has entered the bloodstream, the estrogen is ready for the organs that need it.

    Some users of the patch may experience some sort of irritation around that area of skin. It usually disappears within a few days removal of the patch. When using Transdermal estrogen, it should be changed twice a week. Every new patch that is put on should be placed in a different skin site.

    Complications
    Sometimes after surgery there can be some complications. Being aware of them can help you with preventing them from happening. Some things to watch out for are:
    1.Infection-Most infections can be treated successfully with antibiotics, but some infections can be severe. Many surgeons now order antibiotics routinely before surgery. It is also important after surgery to not place anything in the vagina for at least the first 4 weeks. This includes intercourse, tampons, douching, swimming, and baths.
    2.Urinary tract complications-Almost half of the women who have hysterectomies will have a kidney or bladder infection following surgery. In most cases the problem is not serious. In a radical hysterectomy, sensory nerves may be cut (sometimes unnecessarily) and women can lose both the sensation of having to urinate and control over bladder functions.
    3.Hemorrhage-More than one in ten women require transfusions, some due to undetected preexisting anemia.

     
  4. Xcuze

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    Well said PJ.

    Yep, communication is always the best way to go. I can sympathise with both your situations. Like PJ said your wife probably doesnt feel too good about her body right now. Her desire for sex is possibly non-existent too. I think its up to you to build her confidence. Do small things to make her feel good. Compliment her. Stroke her hand. Build her a house(joke). All this will make her warm to you again.

    Sex doesnt have to be about intercourse. If she thinks thats all you are after then it might close her off. But she might be more receptive to gentler forms of sexplay. God knows I know little about pleasing a woman but I do know that they like to be put in the right mood. Go back to romancing her & let her know that full intercourse is not expected at the end. Then she may surprise you...
     
  5. iwishiwasbigger

    iwishiwasbigger New Member

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    Kudos to you for being a good guy though mate. I'm one of those people who believe in being 100% faithful no matter what.
     
  6. kingjf64

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    Thanks for the advise folks as for starters I hope to make things right.

    The hysterectomy & tummy tuck all took place back in early April of this year so I believe the recovery should be full but she still has long scars from the tummy tuck. I recently purchased some K-Y jelly so hopefully that will help as sometimes it seems to take forever to normally give her a full body massage in order to get her fully eroused.

    In the past I've complained about doing too much massage (without much lotion) and often had ended up giving up. Last thing I want now is to get scorned for not being able to get her in the mood at all so to speak.
     
  7. Pinkpnay77

    Pinkpnay77 New Member

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  8. D_Prudence_Admonition_Drightits

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    It would be wise to try to have a conversation with your wife about the issue; but I know that is easier said than done. Food for thought:

    Is your wife suffering from a type of depression?

    Does she still have her ovaries? Sometimes during a hysterectomy the surgeon removes both ovaries, thus hormones go on the decline and so goes the sexual drive. She may need hormone replacement therapy.

    Scar tissue is a bitch. If she has had many surgeries, the scar tissue may be causing internal problems. I have a friend going through a similar issue. She has scar tissue so severe it caused her to have pain sex and intestinal issues.

    Please try your best to talk to her. When is her next OB-GYN visit? You may want to get her to talk to the OB-GYN about her issues and see if she can get some assistance.

    Good luck.
     
  9. kingjf64

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    In retrospect I will have to do my best to talk to her so long as we both have undivided attention. She went through so much with the operation and oftentimes I felt I was too inadequate in being able to emotionally support her during the trying period and she probably hates me for that.

    I don't believe she has her ovaries anymore as she did have lots of internal bleeding before the operation and at times her blood level was dangerously anemic.
     
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