When The Bromance Breaks

Rugbypup

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Hello all,

I've recently gone through quite a devastating breakup with a friend and wanted to know if any guys out there have experienced the same and how'd it turn out for you?



I recently helped a friend out who was in a dire situation and over a relativity short period of time, I believed, we became very close friends and while I'm happy to think of it as a bromance, past a little bit of manly hugging and massage, (long story) it wasn't a gay or even a bi thing as he's proper straight.

I was certainly led to believe he felt as close to me as I felt for him. In fact I've never had such a masculine and close male friendship before but in short, we got into an argument over a difference of opinion and the next thing I know, he's gone, and treating me like a pariah.

It was an deeply angry exchange but were as I recovered and wanted to move forward, it seems to of injured him in a way I just don't understand. To the point were I'm growing more convinced he's used the situation to distance himself from me on purpose to change the circumstances around him in his life.

I've gone from feeling loved to immeasurable disgusting him overnight.

I am so truly heart broken, I've been in such pain for weeks.

I was comfortable being accepting to his natural alpha nature and would have done pretty much anything he'd asked of me, I trusted him so implicitly. I have struggled all my life to have close male friendships and the loss of this one has wounded me in a way I just don't know how to recover from. I'm not to be dramatic, just intensely emotional hurt.

I've tried fixing things but as the weeks have progress, it just started to feel like he was being cruel and punishing me with no intention to reconcile, despite how much I tried to appease him. It's not like I fucked his mother's skull in front of him, we just had a difference of opinion.

Recently I lost my shit with him for being emotionally held face down in the dirt and after the ensuing exchange of emotional charged angry discourse, that my self respect and dignity embolden me to express, it seems I've done far more damage then the initial petty argument had as well now being far angrier and hurt by his repressed grievances.

So despite how much I miss him, how much love I have for him, I now have to accept he simply doesn't want me in his life. So much so, it started to fell like he literally want me to beg just so he could say no.

So for the second time in my life, I've lost my best friend, and he's gone for good.

Why don't bromances come with a warning that they can go so horribly bad?
 

masonjames

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Lost several friends during my life. Usually over minor things. Friendships are very fragile, especially when one side is doing all the giving and the other side is doing all the taking. Resentment build over time and finally explodes in angry words, that you can't take back. Once the words have left your mouth you can't take them back. I've made piece with most of them but the relationship is never the same as before.
As I've gotten older, i've learned to guard my heart more closely and to give what I give with a free hand. Don't expect anything in return. Ironically the only way to beclose to another person is to leave your heart unguarded.
I am sorry for your loss and understand the pain and confusion that you are going through.
 

shard38

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Can completely relate to what you are saying. In my case it did turn into a relationship, that ended pretty ugly. I can deal with the loss of the lover, the loss of the friend is still hurting. Especially because of all the resentment that came with it. You might want to read up on narcissism in this case. For me it explained a lot of what happened and why it escalated so damn quick. Feel free to PM me if you want to know/talk more.
 

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Hello all,

I've recently gone through quite a devastating breakup with a friend and wanted to know if any guys out there have experienced the same and how'd it turn out for you?



I recently helped a friend out who was in a dire situation and over a relativity short period of time, I believed, we became very close friends and while I'm happy to think of it as a bromance, past a little bit of manly hugging and massage, (long story) it wasn't a gay or even a bi thing as he's proper straight.

I was certainly led to believe he felt as close to me as I felt for him. In fact I've never had such a masculine and close male friendship before but in short, we got into an argument over a difference of opinion and the next thing I know, he's gone, and treating me like a pariah.

It was an deeply angry exchange but were as I recovered and wanted to move forward, it seems to of injured him in a way I just don't understand. To the point were I'm growing more convinced he's used the situation to distance himself from me on purpose to change the circumstances around him in his life.

I've gone from feeling loved to immeasurable disgusting him overnight.

I am so truly heart broken, I've been in such pain for weeks.

I was comfortable being accepting to his natural alpha nature and would have done pretty much anything he'd asked of me, I trusted him so implicitly. I have struggled all my life to have close male friendships and the loss of this one has wounded me in a way I just don't know how to recover from. I'm not to be dramatic, just intensely emotional hurt.

I've tried fixing things but as the weeks have progress, it just started to feel like he was being cruel and punishing me with no intention to reconcile, despite how much I tried to appease him. It's not like I fucked his mother's skull in front of him, we just had a difference of opinion.

Recently I lost my shit with him for being emotionally held face down in the dirt and after the ensuing exchange of emotional charged angry discourse, that my self respect and dignity embolden me to express, it seems I've done far more damage then the initial petty argument had as well now being far angrier and hurt by his repressed grievances.

So despite how much I miss him, how much love I have for him, I now have to accept he simply doesn't want me in his life. So much so, it started to fell like he literally want me to beg just so he could say no.

So for the second time in my life, I've lost my best friend, and he's gone for good.

Why don't bromances come with a warning that they can go so horribly bad?
I’m sorry for the loss that you are feeling. I hope that you will take this experience and grow from it. When one opens their heart, there is always the risk of pain, but I’ve never become jaded enough to stop taking the risk. However , it appears you may have some opportunities to learn some things about yourself in this experience, especially from the second confrontation. Learning and growing are wonderful things and only make you a better person for the next time you open your heart. Good luck in your healing....it will come to you.
 

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I very recently went through this was a guy at work. Mentioned elsewhere on LPSG. We weren’t outside work friends too much but had lunch in a group for five years. I pulled him out of a fight with another guy that could kick his ass. He has totally dropped me. Won’t even speak to me in the hall. I sent him a heartfelt text etc. it meant nothing. I’m also pissed. Not just hurt. I also think our mutual friends not helping to heal this shows their shortcomings. It’s been very hard in me. I’m gay and he is straight. So I guess it meant more to me than him. OP, if you can, try to connect. Mine is over but I hope yours works out.
 
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CUBE

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The other thing I’d add is that these guys perceived themselves to be alphas and are not. In their mind, we challenged this perception. Turns out, we were the alpha all the time even though we don’t need that distinction.
 
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I went through this with my one and only bromance, and it still hurts like fuck every time I think of what happened. I try not to think about it, but it’s hard. I keep telling myself that he had always been a shitty self centred friend, and that he’ll never change, but I still miss him. I’m pretty sure he’s orbiting me on LinkedIn weekly, but I won’t reach out to him again. I tried about 5 years ago, and it was thrown in my face which proved he hadn’t changed. He was the one that destroyed our friendship 24 years ago, but he takes no responsibility for it, and like the OP said, he seems to want me to chase and beg for forgiveness when it should be the other way around.

All I can suggest is to move on and try to meet new people. I have been doing that, and even though I’ll never have the closeness with another guy that I had with him, it helps me put him out of my mind. I can’t say forget about him because you never will.
 
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Why don't bromances come with a warning that they can go so horribly bad?
You and he had a deep and meaningful relationship. Relationships don't have to involve sex to be valid.

I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty cheese of "time heals all wounds". That's for a Hallmark card. Truth is, this one is going to hurt for a while. You need to reconcile within yourself that it is over, and then begin the process of inching away into a better mental state. But, for now, you are mourning the loss of your friend, and the amazing relationship you had. That is going to take time, and is something that no one can offer advice on as it is so personal.

I had a very close friend for 25 years, a guy that I called a brother, and we fell apart. I treated it like a death. I know some of what you may be feeling.
 

DeclanBrent

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@Rugbypup Been there, and I share your pain very keenly. Friendships, like relationships, are never 50-50; the key to a great friendship is the ability to keep that 50-50 balance as close together as possible, always. Those are the friendships that work best. Now, with a bromance between a straight and a gay or bi guy, there are many hidden dangers. First, if there is any emotional or physical attraction by the bi/gay towards his friend, the straight guy will sense that and it will irretrievably change the power balance. Whether the straight is homophobic or narcisstic or not is irrelevant - what matters is that he knows he has an edge. That doesn't make him a bad person, it's just pure human nature. It's how our species works. When the balance tilts too far in favour of the now dominant friend, the less dominant one becomes increasingly desperate, and this desperation can reveal itself in many forms - oversensitivity, overreaction, clinging behavior, anger, all negative and destined to further weaken the bromance. The emotional investment injected into the friendship by the 'inferior' friend is now poison and invariably the friendship ends bitterly.
I know this because I have lived it several times.
Your unenviable choice is to back off completely. Be the chased, not the chaser, and - with any luck - your friend will return. Yes, the bromance will very likely no longer be a bromance, but you may be able to salvage some sort of a friemdship from the ruins.
 

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Apologies in advance for the long post, but hopefully what I share is helpful for you.

I've been in a similar situation, and it sucks. Last summer I had a falling out with someone I quickly (and very unexpectedly) formed a bromance with. I won't go into a long story about how ours fell apart, but I will say that it wasn't until around January/February of this year that I finally got to a point where a day would pass and I didn't think about him and our falling out. It consumed way too much of my daily mental space and seriously had me feeling down for months on end. I had sent him simply messages of greetings on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve to which he didn't acknowledge or respond.

As far as moving on is concerned, both the good and bad (painful) thing to remember is that the person who has ended the friendship has most likely moved on with their life entirely. They are out going about their daily business, living life, having fun, and we don't even register in their minds as an afterthought. Meanwhile, we are wallowing in sorrows and depression about what happebed. Reflect on that and hopefully it will help "expedite" your reconciling with what has happened.

Interestingly, my former friend and I have remained friends on Instagram. He watches every story I upload and will occasionally even "like" one of the pictures I post. I don't know his purpose behind liking my posts but if nothing else, I view it as him communicating that he has retained some level of respect for me as a person and he doesn't completely hate me.

I say all this to say that yes, it's true: time does heal things. Although we still don't talk, my "friend" has reappeared and is active in my social media world and I know that he's either curious about or likes the things I choose to share. But most importantly, he no longer takes up any mental space at all. Nowadays, he'll only pop into my mind if I hear a particular song on the radio that I know he liked, or if I drive by a venue we used to together.

Since you had a second argument with your friend, my instinct would say that he won't want to have anything to do with you anymore; at least, not anytime in the near future. It would be counterproductive to try and act like he never existed. Enjoy the memories you have with him, and try to identify what purpose you think his brief presence served in your life. (In my case, my friend brought me out of my shell and was the first person that made me feel completely comfortable about myself and my sexuality - and talking about it - so he served an existential purpose in my life. I think that's why it was so hard to come to terms with him no longer being a physical presence.)

BUT, you also need to make a conscious effort to identify some signs he showed throughout your friendship that gave insight into what eventually led up to your falling out. Reflecting on my situation in hindsight, my friend was arrogant and borderline narcissistic. He was/is a young professional, incredibly handsome, and has a very lucrative career (he's a 1%er), so for a lack of a better term, he had pick of the proverbial litter when it came to relationships, situationships, and even "friendships." I was expendable and replaceable, so when something better for him came along, I was the one to go. Obviously, he and I viewed our "friendship" differently. Whereas I saw him as a personal friend, I think he viewed me more as a casual social friend he could do things with when he wanted to get out the house.
 

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I am sorry for your loss and the hurt you are suffering. I went through a male friendship breakup in high school that did more damage to me than I would have ever guessed. My best friend of years walked off and never spoke to me again and never told me why or what it was even about. I finally decided he wasn’t worth near what I thought he was and that he wasn’t worth all the time effort i was wasting trying to fix something I knew nothing about. That’s been about 50 yrs ago and boy have I learned some lessons since that experience. I just use it as an example now in Counseling young people and I don’t give it even a thought in my life. He didn’t deserve me as a friend!
 
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I think that for me the hardest thing to accept was that my bromance wouldn’t be a part of my life again, and that we would never see each other again for the rest of our lives. It took me a long time, but I have finally come to accept this fact. I’m not happy about it, but I have come to accept it. He has never shown any remorse for what he had initially done to destroy our relationship. I tried to forgive him and move past it, but every effort I made hasn’t been reciprocated. I could only tolerate him disrespecting our friendship so many times before accepting that it was over for good. I cut off my last avenue of contact with him on LinkedIn by removing him as a connection a year and a half ago to try to move on with my life. The weekly anonymous views on my profile haven’t stopped since doing so. As much as I want to see him again, I know it’s futile. Attempting to do so will only erode my self esteem. He seems to get a kick out of hurting me, and I refuse to give him that power anymore.

For those interested, this topic and my experience has been discussed in one of my groups.

https://www.lpsg.com/groupdiscussions/does-anyone-else-long-for-a-bromance-bud.116463/discussion
 
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DeclanBrent

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Reading the heartfelt posts above, it is remarkable how many of us have had the same experience, almost as if we were the same person making the same mistake in the same bromance, over and over and over again. Pain is all the more bearable for being shared.
The consolation for all of us, I fear, is that even the vast majority of straight-straight bromances and orientation-irrelevant male friendships eventually succumb to over familiarity, competitiveness, jealousy or just plain old distance. It's a sad but necessary part of life.
 
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I think that competitiveness and jealousy played a huge role in the demise of my bromance. I always did better with the ladies than he did, and I knew a lot more people than him. Even when we traveled through Europe together, I ran into 3 friends of mine there. He always said that I knew everyone, and that he lived vicariously through me with my success with the ladies when we were both single.

After I started my career, I did very well - even better than I expected I would. I think this pissed off a lot of my old friends especially my bromance. When we met for our reunion dinner 4.5 years ago, I think he was hoping that I had a “woe is me” tale to tell, but it was exactly the opposite. My life turned out way better than I even thought it would, and my wife and I are on track to be millionaires by the time we retire. My wife and I have an awesome marriage, and truly are each other’s best friend. Also, I have exceeded my own expectations in terms of career, and property ownership. When we showed each other pictures on our phones, I had lots of pictures of my wife and I together to show him vacationing around the world (we don’t have kids). I know how much he loved to travel. Come to think of it, he never showed me any pictures of his wife and kids that he was in, just his wife and kids. It didn’t occur to me until later that it was a little odd. In hindsight, I wonder if they were still together when we met up and even today. Maybe he was hoping that my life would be a disaster, complete with a marriage on the rocks, and was disappointed to hear that it wasn’t. I know a lot of guys that ended up divorced. At first, they were reluctant to tell me their marriage had fallen apart out of embarrassment.
 
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DeclanBrent

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@AG08 It sounds like orientation and attraction was not a factor in your bromance. If you are both straight then your story sounds all too familiar. In bromamces where there was no attraction but plenty of affection in the beginning. I was always surprised and disappointed in how much jealousy I felt for a close friend or vice-versa. This emotion usually came later, however. If this could be overcome, the friendship survives, but not if the friend is a certified narcissist - then there is almost no hope.
 

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I have to say, I'm a bit overwhelmed by people's experiences, well wishes and responses. It's indeed very kind of you and reassuring that as men, we share a pain that's not too easy to explain.

I'm struggling with the loss to be honest.

My logically mind knows just how rough he's been/being with me. It can see and predict clearly all the utter bull shit games and tactics he's deployed and that forges a rage in me for him doing it, when he was the one to of declare a deep bond with me. It's this part of me that has enraged him for calling him out on his bull shit, I'm not sure he ever counted on that because my nature is to be generous and submissive and accommodating. It's clear he took the gentler side of my nature as weakness.

My emotional mind, which is very underdeveloped, is prone to bursting into tears, pining to the point of physical pain and desperate for his company. I have a very natural response to strong heterosexual masculine presences, I put them on a pedestal and submit to them, frankly in very self respect denying ways. He made me feel protected and confided in. I did his washing, cleaned and cooked for him, basically consented to be all but a man wife to him, all while encouraging him to fuck women and trying to help heal his past emotional hurts. And he just took it all.

He even permitted me to massage his feet for him, rub his back for him, at times he would make me sniff his socks, pinch my nipple or sniff his fingers after he had been with a woman. I'm not sure that's shit straight men do or even allow. A friend kept telling me that people know what they're doing, so either he was flirting with his sexuality or using his sexuality to dominate me in a way that was emotional satisfying to a need he had. I never made a move on him! Ever, I swear! For fear of loosing my friendship. That shit is BEYOND confusing and heart breaking. All shit we NEVER talked about, just did and accepted.

The argument that we had, that was the straw to break the camels back, was so fucking petty and trivial, I just cant believe it's resulted in this utter abandonment, demonising and shunning. How could I have miss read things so, so badly. Still, he's gone. I did a through job of pulling him up on his shit and it really didn't go down well. It's hurt me immeasurably but it all seams to have been my logically mind protecting my emotional mind, which is only just now catching up to things.

I wrote to him a few days ago, to resolve a few logistical trivialities. He wrote back an initial reply, succinct, pleasant but utterly impersonal and disengaged. I received no further replies.

I might try in six months from now, to extend an olive branch and see if he will repair things then.

I so desperately want my friend back... but I fear I have lost him forever.

I always worried that I'm a monster at heart, seems I might just be.
 

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@Rugbypup Again, I can empathize - truly empathize - with so much of what you're saying. A few observations I'd like to make:
- your anger is understandable and a necessary step to acceptance. Don't deny yourself the opportunity to grieve in anger, it's a crucial emotion/step
- the only way your anger will eventually fade away into acceptance is to keep your distance. Do not be the first to contact him - maintain your self-respect. I cannot emphasize how crucial it is that you are able to look yourself in the mirror and say that you didn't reach out. Not only will he interpret an olive branch as weakness, but it is in fact a very real weakness because it will drag you back to square one and undermine your self-worth.
- if he contacts you first, by all means keep up the dialogue, but you must not show any sign that you are submissive to him in any way. If you truly want to win bavk his respect and friendship, then I'm afraid your only option is to deaden your feelings for him, after the anger has subsided.
- if I've interpreted this correctly, this chap is a narcissist. That doesn't mean the friendship is doomed, but it almost certainly means the bromance is dead. It was always going to die, it was just a matter of time. But if you follow the advice I've given (which has worked brilliantly for me but may not work for everyone) and apply something called 'Gray rock' method, you are giving yourself a good chance of having a reformed, healthier friendship with this guy. Some people will say avoid a narcissist at all costs, but it is possible to have friendships with them - if you know what they're all about and what they're after.
* note, I realize my post contains generalizations and stereotypes that may not conform to most people's views, so just accept this as MY personal opinion on matters, not the holy grail.
 
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I can understand the anger @Rugbypup feels. I was always the one doing the giving by being a good friend, and constantly going out of my way to help my bromance out. I kept forgiving the shitty and disrespectful things he did towards me, our friendship and my wife. It came to a head when I got married. I didn’t ask him to be a part of my wedding because he didn’t include me in his. When I confronted him about not being included (he got married 8 years before me), he said that it wasn’t a reflection of our friendship. At his stag, he kept telling me I was his best friend even though I was the only one there who wasn’t part of the wedding party. I had numerous friends ask me why I wasn’t a part of his wedding, and I honestly didn’t know. It was humiliating for me, but I stupidly attended. In hind sight, I shouldn’t have gone at all. I remember asking him when I confronted him about being excluded how he would feel when I got married if I didn’t want him in my wedding party, and he said he wouldn’t care which actually pissed me off even more. With all of the women I was running around with, he must have known that day would eventually come for me. Fast forward to 8 years later when I did get married. He flipped the fuck out on me over it a month later. I was so angry by the shocking hypocrisy and double standard, that I didn't reply to his very rude email. I think you’re right @DeclanBrent that there is narcissism there on his part.
 

DeclanBrent

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@AG08 The similarities in your story and mine, and in @Rugbypup 's story and mine, and in so many of the above posters' and mine, is truly head spinning. I think there is a certain type of person (all of us) who is attracted to a certain type of other person (our bromances) and that they 'need' us but don't want to be SEEN - either by the,delves or the other prople in their lives - to need us.
I give you a huge thumbs up and a great amount of respect for giving your friend a taste of his own medicine. He clearly took for granted that you valued him far more than he valued you, and he paid the price for that. Brilliant. A bulls-eye for the team!
 

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@Rugbypup - 1st, so sorry about your hurt/loss; 2nd, that shit about making you smell his vag. fingers and socks, not what str8 guys do, sounds to me like he was using it to dominate and feed his alpha ego.
Suggestion - redirect & replace: don't stop socializing, increase your changes of forming a new bro with someone else, let the new bro re-fill the bro whole the other a-hole left...

Best of wishes and luck bro!