When The Bromance Breaks

[223790]

So here I am, just over four months later and nothing much has really change between my lost bronmance and I. I feel much better about the whole thing then I did initially and while I can safely say I have been through all five stages of grief, I am now left with only resentment and an emotional wound that won't easily heal.

When I think about everything that's happened, I'm still lost for words at how disposable I was to him. Even telling him I loved him like a brother meant nothing to him... when it meant the world to me.

I try hard to not dwell on it, to forgive, forget and move on, but I often find myself still drenched in anger at being abandoned and discarded by him, after he meant so much to me and after he protested that I also meant so much to him.

Sign.

What an utter c*nt.

It's beneath me to wish harm or vengence on him, but I do hope that one day, he feels remorse for what's happened between us and that it stings like a mother f*cking son of a bitch when her realises what he's lost by not having me in his life.

I'm still so very hurt. I just wish I would heal.

24 years since my bromance betrayed me, 16 years since our fight, and 5 years since our reunion dinner that ended up going nowhere, and it still hurts like Hell when I think about what happened. It always will. Whenever my mind starts going in the direction of thinking about what happened, I immediately tell myself to stop, let it go and move on. I count the blessings in my life and realize how truly fortunate I am. Karma catches up with everyone, so your bromance will eventually get what's coming to him. Sadly, I don't think you will ever completely heal. I know I won't. I also know that I will never feel that strongly about another guy again.

I have often wondered what I would do if I heard from him again. Truth of the matter is that too much shit has happened, and too much time has passed for things to ever be made right again between us. The past is the past. Nothing you can do will ever change it no matter how much you think about it. Reliving it in your mind always has the same shitty ending, so you just end up traumatizing yourself all over again. The more I talked about it with other people, the worse I felt, so I stopped talking about what happened. It's harder though to stop the thoughts from entering your head.

Here's a video that helped me deal with my anger towards my bromance and other close friends that betrayed me. I hope it helps you deal with your pain and gain some inner peace.

 

[Rugbypup]

Several things come to mind.
First, it sounds like that you may have been "in love" as opposed to loving him as a friend. And that is perfectly reasonable. Secondly, you mentioned bro hugs and massages. I get the feeling that both of you were wanting more than just being friends.

Perhaps that would explain why he has refused to let you back into his life. My guess is that he's punishing you for disagreeing with him. He felt betrayed by you. Time heals all wounds

I had a bromance that went beyond bromance. When we'd have am argument it would sometimes be bitter wouldn't talk to each other sometimes for months.

I felt a strong affection for him yes, but I've never experienced being in love per se so I can't really say if I was or wasn't. Things were mildly physical, with him initiating it sometimes but if he wanted more, he could of just whipped it out and said get on with it, lol. He never did.

I am being punished for sure, and if that's truely the reason why I can't pretend that I wont me be crushed cos I would have been fine with it. I suspect he may of wanted to but was stressed if not repulsed by the idea in his straighter moments.

I've said I want to repair things, that if he wants to wipe the slate clean and start over, I would but the truth is, he hates me now and I doubt I'll ever hear or see from him again.

Realising that makes me miss him and hate him in the same feeling. it's just pain, but lessening.

 

[Rugbypup]

I was struck reading this thread. I’ve never had that “one” friend that lots of people have experienced. I’ve always had a smallish circle that was overall loyal but at times I wished I had been one of their “persons” in a platonic way (if that makes sense).

The last two years I’ve seen virtually all of my gay and straight friends pair off and go in different directions. It’s the circle of life and while I’m not alone in the cold so to speak it’s changed our group for sure.

Last night I was eating w a bud of mine and was curious if he wanted to go out afterwards just to have a few drinks and see if anyone was out. Literally the entire meal he was texting his hook up for later in the evening, some guy from Grindr.

The moral of the story is I’ve decided 80% of people are so self absorbed it’s tough for them to be good friends or partners to anyone and the ones around them are sometimes only a distraction until something better comes along. Yes I’m bitter and cynical this morning.

This feels very true with him. I was just a distraction untill suitable pussy and a holiday came along.

 

[Rugbypup]

Lots of things to consider in this thread.

A good relationship (gay, bro - straight) means we need to know how to treat the other person and they need to know how to treat us so that we both know we are cared for by the other.

Does anyone have a suggestion or a list of bonding behaviors (or measures) that might work for most people, or is this kind of thing going to be unique to every relationship?

I suspect it's quite a unique thing. As far as I knew, all the bonds of close friendship were there, the next thing I know, they weren't.

 

[Gj816]

I felt a strong affection for him yes, but I've never experienced being in love per se so I can't really say if I was or wasn't. Things were mildly physical, with him initiating it sometimes but if he wanted more, he could of just whipped it out and said get on with it, lol. He never did.

I am being punished for sure, and if that's truely the reason why I can't pretend that I wont me be crushed cos I would have been fine with it. I suspect he may of wanted to but was stressed if not repulsed by the idea in his straighter moments.

I've said I want to repair things, that if he wants to wipe the slate clean and start over, I would but the truth is, he hates me now and I doubt I'll ever hear or see from him again.

Realising that makes me miss him and hate him in the same feeling. it's just pain, but lessening.

There is always the possibility that he doesn't hate you. Which I suspect is true. If anything he feels betrayed. I don't know how many months it's been since the two of you had this disagreement?

I'm guessing you know his haunts and hang outs? If you really want to have closure, or something more. You can always show up where he is. Let him see you having fun and getting on with your life. You certainly don't have anything to lose. You might be surprised at how liberating and healthy it can be for you.

Not only can it be healing for you, it gives you the opportunity to make new friends or reacquaint with old ones. Sometimes you have to step up and do what's best for you. Just remember that the worst tasting medicine works best.

Step outside of your comfort zone and help yourself heal from this. Trust me, if he thinks you've moved on and are over him. His power over your feelings will be gone. You'll be stronger for it. And your confidence will get a boost.

 

[223790]

I felt a strong affection for him yes, but I've never experienced being in love per se so I can't really say if I was or wasn't. Things were mildly physical, with him initiating it sometimes but if he wanted more, he could of just whipped it out and said get on with it, lol. He never did.

Exact same with my bromance. We had our minor physical dalliance the night of his stag, but I would have taken it further if he was willing.

I am being punished for sure, and if that's truely the reason why I can't pretend that I wont me be crushed cos I would have been fine with it. I suspect he may of wanted to but was stressed if not repulsed by the idea in his straighter moments.

Same again here. He was punishing me for treating him the way he treated me. He didn't like the taste of his own bitter medicine.

I've said I want to repair things, that if he wants to wipe the slate clean and start over, I would but the truth is, he hates me now and I doubt I'll ever hear or see from him again.

That was what I proposed to my bromance when I reached out to him online about getting together for dinner. He said he wanted to do the same, but obviously he couldn't get over what happened between us and I assume is the reason why he wouldn't get together with me again. Seeing me again either stirred up old intimate feelings in him he didn't want to have, made him feel guilty about what he ultimately started and destroyed our friendship, or he still feels hurt. It's amazing to me that he took what I did so hard despite the fact that he did the same to me 8 years prior. As hurt as I was by what he did, I never wanted to end our friendship forever. I guess he felt it more than I did, and I felt it pretty damn deep. I think though that this showed I was the bigger man.

I don't think I'll ever hear from my bromance again, but I'm pretty sure he's the one still checking on me anonymously every week on LI.

Realising that makes me miss him and hate him in the same feeling. it's just pain, but lessening.

Describes perfectly how I felt. I missed him and hated him at the same time. I don't miss him so much anymore. I don't think I would ever allow him back into my life again. I just couldn't ever go through this again. Too much pain, tears, heartache, and sleepless nights.

 

[Rugbypup]

There is always the possibility that he doesn't hate you. Which I suspect is true. If anything he feels betrayed. I don't know how many months it's been since the two of you had this disagreement?

If it's not hate, then he's done his utmost to distance himself and alienate me. You don't got to that extent if you're just pissed at someone. It's been four months, just over, if he feels betrayed, it can only be because we argued and no one has never seemingly said no to him and stood up to him in an argument. We had a disagreement about a potential venture and then boom, im Hitler in his eyes. I fought desperately to restore things, he just doesn't want it. For whatever reason, it was easier to abandon me then fix things.

I'm guessing you know his haunts and hang outs? If you really want to have closure, or something more. You can always show up where he is. Let him see you having fun and getting on with your life. You certainly don't have anything to lose. You might be surprised at how liberating and healthy it can be for you.

We live at opposite ends of a city, me showing up where he's likely to be would be SO obvious that it can only look desperate and bad on my part, lol. It would only give him more satisfaction that i'm suffering his absence. I am trying to get on with life, truth is I was trying to learn to be more confident from him, as he's a very strong alpha male and if nothing else, I truly admire him and wanted to look up to him.

Not only can it be healing for you, it gives you the opportunity to make new friends or reacquaint with old ones. Sometimes you have to step up and do what's best for you. Just remember that the worst tasting medicine works best. Step outside of your comfort zone and help yourself heal from this. Trust me, if he thinks you've moved on and are over him. His power over your feelings will be gone. You'll be stronger for it. And your confidence will get a boost.

I don't make friends easily and certainly not masculine straight guys. I'm seemingly akward and they don't gravitate to me, lol. For him the think or know I've moved on would mean he'd have to, on some level, interact with me and that's not gonna happen as frankly, I don't think he gives a shit. He got whatever he wanted or needed from me and then just threw me under the bus 'with love' when he'd finishined playing bromance with me.

I want him to miss me! For it to hurt as much for him, but then I want to protect him and want him to move on and have all he sought in life.

Even if a reconciliation was brokered, how could I ever trust him the same again.

He broke my heart.

 

[MisterEy]

I've red quite a bit of the thread and this is exactly where I'm at in life... Long story short I'm a bi (leaning gay sexually) 24yo, met a new straight friend about four years ago in college through a middle school acquaintance who went AWOL. New friend and I became your dictionary definition of bromance.

So he and I are quite similar in that were minorities and are pretty much prodigal sons if you're into all that, with well off families and such. Pretty much exact same family dynamic and all and we live like 4 minutes away from eachother. To describe him hes a quite macho but is quite metrosexual, thinner build, likes to dress fancy and etc. Kinda posh, loves to cross his leg when he sits.

Well we've been doing the casual drink and smoke ever since we've met and back in January he just started flipping out on me whenever he gets drunk.

He would basically start up some random political debate or make up something and then get outrageously mad when I have an opinion that doesnt match his.. its embarrassing because I've been over his place met his family and vice versa, been on family outings etc with eachother but this past year every time we drink and ONLY when it's time to part ways he finds a way to blow up on me. Basically the entirety of the people he hangs out with are my friends and it seems like he sucks up to them and shits on me when drunk but outside of drinking theres no problems.

Our most recent argument was about 3 weeks ago and we've met up since then and talked it out alone and spent some time together before he went out of town.

The reason why I'm so confused about this friendship is because he out of nowhere played the "I love you man" card first and it honestly felt genuine

What am I dealing with and how should I approach this? Clearly I have feelings for him but I've never acted on them or expressed them.

.

 

[MisterEy]

And to add.. I am not in any way trying to pursue him beyond being my best friend/wing man. I'm not willing to push any boundaries sexually unless it's the other party first... I just want my friend

 

[shard38]

And to add.. I am not in any way trying to pursue him beyond being my best friend/wing man. I'm not willing to push any boundaries sexually unless it's the other party first... I just want my friend

Your friend sounds like a text book case of narcissism. Flattering you, make you feel special and then suddenly flip on you. Read up on narcissistic behaviour and be aware of the warning signs!

 

[DeclanBrent]

I've red quite a bit of the thread and this is exactly where I'm at in life... Long story short I'm a bi (leaning gay sexually) 24yo, met a new straight friend about four years ago in college through a middle school acquaintance who went AWOL. New friend and I became your dictionary definition of bromance.

So he and I are quite similar in that were minorities and are pretty much prodigal sons if you're into all that, with well off families and such. Pretty much exact same family dynamic and all and we live like 4 minutes away from eachother. To describe him hes a quite macho but is quite metrosexual, thinner build, likes to dress fancy and etc. Kinda posh, loves to cross his leg when he sits.

Well we've been doing the casual drink and smoke ever since we've met and back in January he just started flipping out on me whenever he gets drunk.

He would basically start up some random political debate or make up something and then get outrageously mad when I have an opinion that doesnt match his.. its embarrassing because I've been over his place met his family and vice versa, been on family outings etc with eachother but this past year every time we drink and ONLY when it's time to part ways he finds a way to blow up on me. Basically the entirety of the people he hangs out with are my friends and it seems like he sucks up to them and shits on me when drunk but outside of drinking theres no problems.

Our most recent argument was about 3 weeks ago and we've met up since then and talked it out alone and spent some time together before he went out of town.

The reason why I'm so confused about this friendship is because he out of nowhere played the "I love you man" card first and it honestly felt genuine

What am I dealing with and how should I approach this? Clearly I have feelings for him but I've never acted on them or expressed them.

.

He's a narcissist. Maybe a covert one. You can be friends with these people but you have to be completely clear about who and what they are otherwise they'll feed off your emotions like a parasite feeds off its host's blood. Not being dramatic. Your story sounds like mine, a thousand times over. And trust me, guys like us attract guys like them. Wise up. Don't be the fool.

 

[223790]

Have to agree. The warning signs are there. Thinking back, I don't know how I could have been so foolish to think the guy I considered a bromance was a friend at all. I guess it was the shared history. When I look back, there were PLENTY of warning signs that the guy was not a real friend at all, but I foolishly ignored them. The love I felt for him is now completely gone replaced with contempt. I've been doing some deep thinking about this lately which made me realize this. I don't know how. It was like suddenly the switch just flipped and I realized what a fucking asshole he truly was. It was a blessing to get him out of my life for good. Karma will pay him back. That I'm sure of. People eventually get what they deserve.

 

[Rugbypup]

I've recently had a little bit of contact with my lost bromance, nothing much, and although it was a little bit distance and remote, it wasn't altogether cold and fuck-offish. We are still very much worlds apart with no reconciliation in sight but it's been nice have a little bit of civil contact, though truth be told, I initiated it, again. What can I say, I'm weak for alphas, lol.

A friend of mine has recently educated me to 'victim' psychology in men and I have to say, he fits it very well. He's a self-centred victim and now so much of what happened between us, how our relationship broke apart makes so much more sense. He only displays need and affection for the moment, like a basic animal, if he's hungry, he eats, if he's tired, he sleeps. He's wired to serve only what it is he wants and feels he deserves, there and then. The moment it comes to repaying the emotional investment others have made in him, he plays the victim card after creating a conflict so that he can walk away from a situation with no emotional return and then use the situation to cry sob story victim to the next sympathetic ear. He’s frankly, an emotional parasite!

I miss him so much some days, while others I couldn't give a fuck about him.

Still at that point of wishing one day he realises what he lost in having me at his side, and that he regrets it with burning tears and the wild gnashing of teeth, lol. Fucker

 

[RJ5on1]

I've recently had a little bit of contact with my lost bromance, nothing much, and although it was a little bit distance and remote, it wasn't altogether cold and fuck-offish. We are still very much worlds apart with no reconciliation in sight but it's been nice have a little bit of civil contact, though truth be told, I initiated it, again. What can I say, I'm weak for alphas, lol.

A friend of mine has recently educated me to 'victim' psychology in men and I have to say, he fits it very well. He's a self-centred victim and now so much of what happened between us, how our relationship broke apart makes so much more sense. He only displays need and affection for the moment, like a basic animal, if he's hungry, he eats, if he's tired, he sleeps. He's wired to serve only what it is he wants and feels he deserves, there and then. The moment it comes to repaying the emotional investment others have made in him, he plays the victim card after creating a conflict so that he can walk away from a situation with no emotional return and then use the situation to cry sob story victim to the next sympathetic ear. He’s frankly, an emotional parasite!

I miss him so much some days, while others I couldn't give a fuck about him.

Still at that point of wishing one day he realises what he lost in having me at his side, and that he regrets it with burning tears and the wild gnashing of teeth, lol. Fucker

What a great Life Leaning experience you just related. Congratulations for seeing that!

 

[223790]

I've recently had a little bit of contact with my lost bromance, nothing much, and although it was a little bit distance and remote, it wasn't altogether cold and fuck-offish. We are still very much worlds apart with no reconciliation in sight but it's been nice have a little bit of civil contact, though truth be told, I initiated it, again. What can I say, I'm weak for alphas, lol.

A friend of mine has recently educated me to 'victim' psychology in men and I have to say, he fits it very well. He's a self-centred victim and now so much of what happened between us, how our relationship broke apart makes so much more sense. He only displays need and affection for the moment, like a basic animal, if he's hungry, he eats, if he's tired, he sleeps. He's wired to serve only what it is he wants and feels he deserves, there and then. The moment it comes to repaying the emotional investment others have made in him, he plays the victim card after creating a conflict so that he can walk away from a situation with no emotional return and then use the situation to cry sob story victim to the next sympathetic ear. He’s frankly, an emotional parasite!

I miss him so much some days, while others I couldn't give a fuck about him.

Still at that point of wishing one day he realises what he lost in having me at his side, and that he regrets it with burning tears and the wild gnashing of teeth, lol. Fucker

I swear it’s like we’re talking about the same guy. It must be a certain type of guy that draws people like us to people like them.

I have had the same wish as you, but I now realize that I had put too much hope in him having a conscience and a sense of decency. I used to dream of him contacting me to beg for forgiveness, but it was wishful thinking. He won’t change. I’m pretty sure he got some sort of perverse pleasure in tormenting me. I took that power away from him and restored my dignity by disconnecting from him online. Every time I initiated contact, I felt like a pathetic loser desperate for his attention. As hard as kicking him out of my life was, it was the best thing I ever did. I was finally able to get over him and gain a healthy perspective on the destructive relationship we had.

The anonymous weekly views on my profile continue to this day. This has been going on since I disconnected from him almost 2 years ago. Maybe the tables have turned? I’ll never know, but he seems obsessed with keeping tabs on me. I never check his profile anymore because I truly don’t care and have come to terms with the fact that he’ll never be in my life again.

 

[Ray Black]

Your friend sounds like a text book case of narcissism. Flattering you, make you feel special and then suddenly flip on you. Read up on narcissistic behaviour and be aware of the warning signs!

Took the words right out of my mouth. And the "love bombing" is classic strategy for the narcissist

 

[shard38]

Took the words right out of my mouth. And the "love bombing" is classic strategy for the narcissist

And it’s so difficult not to fall for it.

 

[223790]

I came across this today. “Covert narcissist” describes my old bromance perfectly.

 

[223790]

This video really explains why my old bromance keeps checking up on me on LinkedIn. Fascinating. Thank you to everyone in this thread that brought up the concept of narcissism. It describes my old bromance perfectly. Everything that has happened with him makes sense now that I understand more about this.

 

[223790]

Your friend sounds like a text book case of narcissism. Flattering you, make you feel special and then suddenly flip on you. Read up on narcissistic behaviour and be aware of the warning signs!

I have learned that love bombing (idolize), devalue and discard are the 3 stages of narcissistic abuse and is exactly what I went through with my bromance. I can't believe that all of this time I was dealing with a classic narcissist. I learned that narcissists like to discard but not be discarded, and that they spy anonymously on those that discarded them in hopes of seeing them suffer. This explains the anonymous weekly views I have been getting. It's amazing what I'm learning about narcissistic behavior. I have a much clearer understanding now of what has been going on for the last 24 years.