When two homosexual men meet in a bar... how do you know who gets where?

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14600801

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I have a question out of pure curiosity, nothing very important :p
The situation is meeting casually a new person, in a bar for example, and, at some point, decide to spend the night together.

When that happens between hetero male and female, is quite clear what is going to happen, in general terms, in bed: most likely it will end up with the guy penetrating the girl, at least at some point.

But how does it goes between two homosexual males?

I mean, it could be that both prefer to be "active", or that both wish to be the first one getting fucked, for example.
Is there a explicit conversation about it? It is kind of implicitly clear? It is normal to end up in a dissapointing situation where you "have to do" something that you did not wanted to do as much?

Thanks!
 
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Oldcowboy

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Ive hung out in a fair amount of gay bars. Relaxed, interesting envirionment, kinda a curious people watcher anyhow.

For myself, always been a good communicator, have been told i have an open, honest countenance and easy to approach.

If interest is expressed, i jusy say whaat it is---i am not interested- sexually--in men at all.
I DO LOVE having my cock sucked, and believe gay guys should be awarded a patent or nobel . But no recip of any kind. But not really answering your question ---

Used to see this one character at rodeos--- watched him approach many, many women--- almost always briefly with vastly differing responses--- from a slap, jaw drop unbelief, laugh, or leaving with him. Got to know him and asked about it, what he said?

" say, ma'am, do you ' spose i could bum you outa a fuck?"

Ps--- oh, hell---- if m not supposed to post here, please remove and apologies to all!
 

dreambridger

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I think probably the most salient difference between how gay men communicate and how straight males and straight females communicate with each other is the level of openness. So to answer your question, yes, for gay men, there is ALWAYS an explicit conversation about what's wanted before anything happens, and if that conversation doesn't happen, then I'm not interested. I honestly believe this is the reason I'm gay. I'd be much more interested in trying women if they were more upfront about talking about what they like sexually. When I tried women when I was younger, I was so turned off by the flirting, the innuendos, the nonverbal signals, the seduction, the unspoken stuff and them trying to talk with their eyes instead of their mouths. It's like, grow up, girl; you're an adult, use your words. I know that's just what's expected from women, but to me it seems so immature and cowardly. I hear that when women reach their forties they get over their hang-ups and timidity and are more open, so maybe once I get into that age range, I'll try women again. Because if I met a woman who communicated as boldly about sex as a gay man does, I'd probably find that really hot. But my way of life is that if you're not interested in talking about it, then I'm not interested in doing it.
 
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deleted13888921

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I think probably the most salient difference between how gay men communicate and how straight males and straight females communicate with each other is the level of openness. So to answer your question, yes, for gay men, there is ALWAYS an explicit conversation about what's wanted before anything happens, and if that conversation doesn't happen, then I'm not interested. I honestly believe this is the reason I'm gay. I'd be much more interested in trying women if they were more upfront about talking about what they like sexually. When I tried women when I was younger, I was so turned off by the flirting, the innuendos, the nonverbal signals, the seduction, the unspoken stuff and them trying to talk with their eyes instead of their mouths. It's like, grow up, girl; you're an adult, use your words. I know that's just what's expected from women, but to me it seems so immature and cowardly. I hear that when women reach their forties they get over their hang-ups and timidity and are more open, so maybe once I get into that age range, I'll try women again. Because if I met a woman who communicated as boldly about sex as a gay man does, I'd probably find that really hot. But my way of life is that if you're not interested in talking about it, then I'm not interested in doing it.
You are thinking like a man. Women are wired differently. Men are pigs (I mean that in a good way!) we are vocal what we want. Women want the attention, the schmooze, the challenge, the romance. Yes, some women want sex as much (or more) than a man, and will tell you that. Also, FWIW, when you are in a relationship with a women, they are animals in the bedroom. With a man, it's lets fuck, NOW! My experiences.
 
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14600801

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That is something to ask in the "Ask a woman" forum.
I believe that has a lot to do with males being abusive, it is probably scary to be upfront with guys after a bad experience (that will happen fast if you are upfront). Also that could be because we are not used to women being upfront and many guys would chicken out.

But thanks for the reply, it is quite interesting to know!
 

dreambridger

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You are thinking like a man. Women are wired differently. Men are pigs (I mean that in a good way!) we are vocal what we want. Women want the attention, the schmooze, the challenge, the romance. Yes, some women want sex as much (or more) than a man, and will tell you that. Also, FWIW, when you are in a relationship with a women, they are animals in the bedroom. With a man, it's lets fuck, NOW! My experiences.
whether it's cultural or how they're biologically wired, it is a dealbreaking turn off for me. If they need the attention and the challenge and the chasing, my dick's gonna be soft long before I ever arrive where they're at. I don't care how wild they get once they're in bed, if they're timid upfront, they've all ready lost me and it's not worth it.

Oddly enough, this reflects exactly what my mom said when I came out to her. She said, "I've always known; you're way too open for a woman."
 
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deleted13888921

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whether it's cultural or how they're biologically wired, it is a dealbreaking turn off for me. If they need the attention and the challenge and the chasing, my dick's gonna be soft long before I ever arrive where they're at. I don't care how wild they get once they're in bed, if they're timid upfront, they've all ready lost me and it's not worth it.

Oddly enough, this reflects exactly what my mom said when I came out to her. She said, "I've always known; you're way too open for a woman."
Your not into pussy. And thats ok. IF you were, you would be chasing it.
 

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I think probably the most salient difference between how gay men communicate and how straight males and straight females communicate with each other is the level of openness. So to answer your question, yes, for gay men, there is ALWAYS an explicit conversation about what's wanted before anything happens, and if that conversation doesn't happen, then I'm not interested. I honestly believe this is the reason I'm gay. I'd be much more interested in trying women if they were more upfront about talking about what they like sexually. When I tried women when I was younger, I was so turned off by the flirting, the innuendos, the nonverbal signals, the seduction, the unspoken stuff and them trying to talk with their eyes instead of their mouths. It's like, grow up, girl; you're an adult, use your words. I know that's just what's expected from women, but to me it seems so immature and cowardly. I hear that when women reach their forties they get over their hang-ups and timidity and are more open, so maybe once I get into that age range, I'll try women again. Because if I met a woman who communicated as boldly about sex as a gay man does, I'd probably find that really hot. But my way of life is that if you're not interested in talking about it, then I'm not interested in doing it.
Great post and great points! Women dont hit their sexual peak till mabe 40---- and some have the rest together about then, too.

I have read reams about body language, non verbal communication, etc etc etc. Its helped vastly in business and helped introduce me to beaucoup fine pussy.

And im some kinda vastly attractive communicator--- or so ive been told and she wasnt talking about looks---:-(. I can make my way down the aisle of a plane and half the folks will sayhello and smile at me.
 
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bigboaster

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Well I am technically bi (but gay leaning) so I have experience with both realms.

With women it's all about the chase and the lead up. You have to basically read the right signs and you have to project confidence and show that you're "worth" taking back to the bedroom.

With guys. It's much more clear cut. Very openly discussing the sexual aspects, roles etc first. Open about the fact that we are going back for a fuck session, less games. Plain and simple.
 

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That is something to ask in the "Ask a woman" forum.
I believe that has a lot to do with males being abusive, it is probably scary to be upfront with guys after a bad experience (that will happen fast if you are upfront). Also that could be because we are not used to women being upfront and many guys would chicken out.

But thanks for the reply, it is quite interesting to know!
"males being abusive" that seems like an unfair over generalization to me but hmmmkay. Honestly it's on both sexes why this stuff exists and it should be done away with imho.
 
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"males being abusive" that seems like an unfair over generalization to me but hmmmkay. Honestly it's on both sexes why this stuff exists and it should be done away with imho.
yeah, i kind of wanted to correct him too, though I suppose I'm not straight enough for my point to be valid. But doesn't the whole lead-up and chase approach encourage and reward seductive/manipulative and therefore subtly abusive behavior? It's like the woman's message is: you have to be inauthentic and good at manipulating me in order to get laid. It seems to reward abusive men. While the upfront, authentic approach seems to be antidote to that bullshit.
 
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I don't mean to dismiss your opinions on what women expect, but my question is not why they do this or that (I would have post that in ask a women).
Could we go back to the topic, please?
 
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Is there a explicit conversation about it? It is kind of implicitly clear?

It's not always implicitly clear, no. I guess it really depends on how you meet. Obviously meeting from an app, normally your profile will indicate your preferred position for example.

But using your example of a bar... I find it kinda hard to describe how you tell each other. It's not like you introduce yourselves and suddenly say, "right! Who's bumming who later". In my experience it's hinted at through general conversation.

Perhaps he might mention his ex who was a total cock hungry slut bottom which suited him fine because he's a big ass pounding bear oak tree of a man. You know.

It's weird, it's tricky to describe.
 
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i think it does depend slightly on the venue - in a club the non verbals are probably more to the fore? my experience of clubs is that the bottom guy will normally show that quite clearly by grinding his ass onto your dick whilst dancing, or the top guy does a lot more touching the other guys ass.

in a bar i think its more a mix of verbal/non verbal interactions, where eyes look, comments made etc.

I do also think there is a clear 'vibe' as to what guys are into - every guy who has approached me in a bar has seemed to 'know' i'm the top - whether thats how you hold yourself, dress, act or whatever I've no real idea.

Ultimately though i think as gay guys we are just more obvious, talk about it and are upfront and open about sex in general?
 

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over the years when i would be having sex and noo ne wanted me to top them --it was always them topping me--so for longest time i often wondered while i walked around in my younger days into my older days if there was a invisible sign that only they can see-- a few guys did let me top them and i learned i preferred bottom more anyways


its mostly about communication--men and women still have to communicate about things like does she spit or swallow do anal--like to be spanked and so on
as for two gay men either before start kissing making out or during it gets mentioned-- i was mostly a bottom so when a guy wanted me to top him i just tell him i havent topped much and not to expect the best --and he usually understands--

as for straight men and women---some men dont know that women dont like their tits grabbed and sucked on--a friend of mine did that to a girl he was with and she slapped him across the face near nose and it blackened one of his eyes--

so it doesnt matter straight or gay--everyone should go slow and find out what turns them on or off during sex
 
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Honestly, the vast majority of the bar hook ups I've had didn't involve anal sex, and for the vast majority of those it wasn't requested by either of us, we were too focussed on having fun sex to need to move to that one. The ones that did end with anal, generally it was because once we got naked, I was asked to fuck after we'd started with other forms of sex. The few times I got asked to bottom (which I wouldn't consider for casual sex, it's more of a relationship thing for me), I said no and we kept having a great time with mutual oral, wanking, frotting, making out etc. The one time I did bottom on a hook up was when I lost my virginity and he had initially wanted me to top, I was too drunk and there was a miscommunication, but it was still hot and I had fun.

Do not make a direct correlation between PiV in M/F and PiA in M/M hook ups. In the former, it's expected, in the latter, it's common but often doesn't happen.
 
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This question is very common coming from straight people. The other version is "who's the man and who's the woman in the relationship?"

There is no male role and female role in the way you think.

A straight guy goes into a hookup with the expectation of penetration and most women dutifully comply whether they want it or not.

In a gay hook-up you could have both people being penetrated, you could have neither being penetrated. It could be just oral or hand jobs or fingerings or frotting or not trying to cum etc. We go into a sex situation being open to compromise on what happens.

I think because gay men could easily have sex with several people in one day, there is less investment in doing the one thing we really like because we know we can get that thing the next time.

Where as straight men spend hours and a large volume of alcohol trying to convince a woman that sex is a good idea, it's more of an all or nothing proposition.
 
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This question is very common coming from straight people. The other version is "who's the man and who's the woman in the relationship?"

There is no male role and female role in the way you think.

A straight guy goes into a hookup with the expectation of penetration and most women dutifully comply whether they want it or not.

In a gay hook-up you could have both people being penetrated, you could have neither being penetrated. It could be just oral or hand jobs or fingerings or frotting or not trying to cum etc. We go into a sex situation being open to compromise on what happens.

I think because gay men could easily have sex with several people in one day, there is less investment in doing the one thing we really like because we know we can get that thing the next time.

Where as straight men spend hours and a large volume of alcohol trying to convince a woman that sex is a good idea, it's more of an all or nothing proposition.
That was not my intended question, to me is quite absurd to assume that it has to be a "masculine" and a "femenine" person in a homosexual couple (being it a hook up or a long term relationship), even that "masculine" implies top.
The bottom of the question is related with what you are mentioning exactly: there are way more possibilities than in a "traditional" heterosexual hook-up (it is assumed that if you want to do "something else" with a woman, you will discuss it).

And thanks! :D
 
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I don’t think I’ve hooked up with a single guy in a bar since apps (back in the day like ManHunt, Craigslist, etc.) came out. It’s so much easier coordinating the logistics (top versus bottom, host versus travel) online.

In the 90s, I’d go to the bars almost every Friday and Saturday looking for a hookup. I’m totally versatile so position was rarely a dealbreaker, but the basics (where we’re going to play and who’s getting fucked) were always discussed beforehand. I don’t recall anyone ever being shocked or offended by such a conversation.