I got an email from a pal in England that I've known for yrs. Her dad might be passing soon. Took me days to respond as I had to think about things....did I respond ok?
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I haven't avoided yr email, rather I'm trying to put into words what to say. I have to finish formulating it into real words but I think in my heart it's something you should hear from a friend who probably feels/felt the same way regarding dads. i hope I can kinda convince you, oddly enuf, to go against yr instincts and talk to your dad even for a second and I'll tell you why when I can finish putting it into words. But trust me it it will probably help your soul to do so. Don't let him die w/o talking to him one last time. No matter how it turns out or how you hurt you are or wanna cry or if he's stilla jerk. OK here goes: I felt the same way until the day FINALLY arrived that my dad DID actually die. When I finally got the phone call I was stunned, breathed deep and thot to myself...ahhh it's finally all over. If only that had been true. after talking to Rose and having a mini breakdown my whole body began to shake...uncontrollably...my mind seemed unwired and I didn't know what was going on. This was just inside my bedroom after hearing all this. I was wandering around in circles, saying to myself ooutloud..."OMG it's finally happened, he's gone, he's gone, he's gone!"
The next day after I woke up after not sleeping much. I thot to myself WOW. Am I finally free from all this crap, this junk...a lifetime of it?
After I had coffee and some egg thing I thot to myself.......".it's over, it's really over now that he's gone.BUT I'lll never get THAT I'm sorry now." Why would I feel so bad about this after years of his abuse and you know...you know.
As I mentioned before in one of our MANY father discussions the last time I saw him in RHode Island outside my grandfather's house he came up to me i the driveway and said "I love you. You know I'm a macho and I know you're not but I love you". I was thinking to myself wtf? Who says that and to their son no le ss w/a straight face. And after WHAT he did?! But EVEN still why did I EVEN want an acknowledgment a real praise? That's the question.
At that point I was angry again and was thinking that I better still get my 2 million when he died. I got 2 cents when his sisters moved in.
Either way....in the long run, as evil as they are to you, and you know what my dad did and everything, you can hate them all your life, wish them bad but you prob are feeling kind of like I did that JUST BECAUSE they were your parent that somewhere inside of him, he actually had some dad feeling, somewhere. It all got fucked up for them, our dads, and how it got THAT bad I don't know. All I know is even still, w/all the bad, that EVEN STILL, I had heard the 2 words I'm SOrry pass thru his lips.
Unfort. All I got was all the relatives stealing everything and my thots. My last words from himwere far from what I wanted to hear but maybe you can get something from someone still alive? either way it's a hard decision just remember if you decide not to talk to him one more time, even looking for an apology, that demented question will haunt you forever as it haunts me and i don't want you to have that! There was nothing I could ever do to have a real relatonship esp after...and nothing could undo what had been done to overstep that relationship and it all got even worse when the graverobbers came in and scooped it all up.
Don't let that happen to you, I know emotions are all mixed up w/this...but try to at LEAST get SOME sort of answer.
ME
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I haven't avoided yr email, rather I'm trying to put into words what to say. I have to finish formulating it into real words but I think in my heart it's something you should hear from a friend who probably feels/felt the same way regarding dads. i hope I can kinda convince you, oddly enuf, to go against yr instincts and talk to your dad even for a second and I'll tell you why when I can finish putting it into words. But trust me it it will probably help your soul to do so. Don't let him die w/o talking to him one last time. No matter how it turns out or how you hurt you are or wanna cry or if he's stilla jerk. OK here goes: I felt the same way until the day FINALLY arrived that my dad DID actually die. When I finally got the phone call I was stunned, breathed deep and thot to myself...ahhh it's finally all over. If only that had been true. after talking to Rose and having a mini breakdown my whole body began to shake...uncontrollably...my mind seemed unwired and I didn't know what was going on. This was just inside my bedroom after hearing all this. I was wandering around in circles, saying to myself ooutloud..."OMG it's finally happened, he's gone, he's gone, he's gone!"
The next day after I woke up after not sleeping much. I thot to myself WOW. Am I finally free from all this crap, this junk...a lifetime of it?
After I had coffee and some egg thing I thot to myself.......".it's over, it's really over now that he's gone.BUT I'lll never get THAT I'm sorry now." Why would I feel so bad about this after years of his abuse and you know...you know.
As I mentioned before in one of our MANY father discussions the last time I saw him in RHode Island outside my grandfather's house he came up to me i the driveway and said "I love you. You know I'm a macho and I know you're not but I love you". I was thinking to myself wtf? Who says that and to their son no le ss w/a straight face. And after WHAT he did?! But EVEN still why did I EVEN want an acknowledgment a real praise? That's the question.
At that point I was angry again and was thinking that I better still get my 2 million when he died. I got 2 cents when his sisters moved in.
Either way....in the long run, as evil as they are to you, and you know what my dad did and everything, you can hate them all your life, wish them bad but you prob are feeling kind of like I did that JUST BECAUSE they were your parent that somewhere inside of him, he actually had some dad feeling, somewhere. It all got fucked up for them, our dads, and how it got THAT bad I don't know. All I know is even still, w/all the bad, that EVEN STILL, I had heard the 2 words I'm SOrry pass thru his lips.
Unfort. All I got was all the relatives stealing everything and my thots. My last words from himwere far from what I wanted to hear but maybe you can get something from someone still alive? either way it's a hard decision just remember if you decide not to talk to him one more time, even looking for an apology, that demented question will haunt you forever as it haunts me and i don't want you to have that! There was nothing I could ever do to have a real relatonship esp after...and nothing could undo what had been done to overstep that relationship and it all got even worse when the graverobbers came in and scooped it all up.
Don't let that happen to you, I know emotions are all mixed up w/this...but try to at LEAST get SOME sort of answer.
ME
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